~ Happy 24th Birthday to Katelyn Elizabeth Ball ~

Today is a day to remember.  And to be thankful.  And to have hope.  And though I always cry some tears on this day, I feel that joy deep in my soul that I KNOW where she is and where I will go to see her again.

As life can get harder and harder, Heaven gets more and more real.  I am so thankful Jesus came and died for even me so that I can live with Him one day.  His precious and most painful gift is free, and all I had to do was accept it and believe it.  Why would I want to live for anyone else?  I want to live for the One who died for me.  The only One who could.

I am so thankful that I will see this little person again.  I don't know what she will look like, but I know I will know her.

Happy 24th Birthday, Katelyn Elizabeth Ball.  We love you and will see you again.

~~~~~~~~


I cannot believe tomorrow is Katelyn's 22nd birthday. She has celebrated all of her birthdays in Heaven ~ if there is a need to celebrate when in Heaven on just certain days! I got a text this morning from a dear friend/sister. She asked something, and I knew exactly what she was asking about ~ Katelyn. We all come back to this place this time of year. It's sad, but it's so much more than that. The first years were hard because Katelyn was the first baby in the family and for most of our friends. We did not yet know about all of the blessings that would come. So we felt the loss and felt it very acutely.  We still feel the loss, but we can see how God has worked; and that gives us hope and peace.

 November 20th will always be a day of reflection for me. I can still feel that cinder block wall. I still remember having my brother right there with me ~ knowing exactly how I was feeling and sharing that time of sorrow and concern. I can see my mom sitting in the waiting room. I can see my aunt talking to my uncle. The memories are so sharp. I remember Little Caesars in Winston and the chair that a nurse brought outside the NICU for me to sit on while Whitney visited in the nursery. I remember driving my grandfather back to the road to go home in a small rental car. So many memories half my lifetime ago ~ that seem like yesterday.

I know He lives. And I know we will see her and others we have lost. What a blessing and what hope we have. If you don't have that, please ask someone about it now. The gift of eternal life is free and just needs to be accepted.


This is last year's post ~~~~~

I wrote this original post two years ago. I just read it again...and cried. It seems like it could not be 21 years ago, and then it seems like a lifetime ago. The first weeks were the hardest. Then the first months. God was with us. He is still with us even now - He never left. Never will.

I know one of God's tiniest angels
She slipped into our lives one cold night
Not meant to stay for long
This precious little bundle
She taught us love in her short time on earth
And when it was time to go
She slipped out of our lives
But not out of our hearts
Where she will stay
And we will see her again...in Heaven
(a revision of the poem I wrote a year after she died)

Every year is one year closer...

2011 Post This is actually last year's post. I just read it and cried. But it says what I would want to say again. I am adding some song lyrics to the end. So this is a long one.

Happy Birthday this weekend to my precious little tiny Katelyn Elizabeth Ball. Every day is one day closer to seeing her again (and those great grandparents mentioned in this post!). Thinking of the family and friends and praying that her life will still have a strong impact. ~~~~~~~~

I can remember it like it was just last week. I arrived at Forsyth Hospital in Winston where my sister was in labor with her first baby. She had found out about a month before that the baby was not growing and developing. We knew some of what could be, but we did not know much. I found her watching Little House on the Prairie while nurses hovered nearby and lots of doctors were readying to attend the birth. Because Katelyn was my sister's first baby, they really wanted to do everything they could for her and my sister. My dad would check on Whitney periodically, but he would turn a greenish color and have to leave. My aunt was begging my uncle for a cigarette, but he kept reminding her calmly that she had stopped smoking. I remember arriving, checking on Whitney and Dwayne, going to the Hanes Mall to eat (and not even being tempted to shop!) while we waited...and waited.

Then I fast forward to sitting in the hall straight up against a cinder block wall. Katelyn was there, and Whitney was fine. The doctors did not think that tiny baby would make it through the night. One of her pediatricians had mercy on Russell and me and invited us to say hi to Katelyn before they took her to Baptist just a little bit away. She was as long as a newborn because she was term, but she weighed less than three pounds. I remember yellow. Her hair or her skin. And I remember loving her with everything I had. And I remember how my arms ached so badly to hold her. Now I can grab one of the other children to hold when I feel that ache, but then there was no baby to hold. And we could not hold her. I am sure Russell and I prayed for her and over her. And that was one of the only times I was within an arm's length in her whole five weeks.

In the NICU, there are very strict rules with very good reason. Still, I drove to Stuart, VA, every weekend to spend time with Whitney and go with her to the hospital even though it meant sitting on the outside. I got a couple of glimpses, and Dwayne took some pictures. No digital cameras back then! And there is a video. I ached to hold this baby, see her, and get to know her. And somehow through the wall, I was able to do just that - get to know her through pieces of information and pictures. She was supposed to have only part of a kidney. She had more than they thought. She scooted in her tiny bassinet. She scrunched her face and tried to hide from Santa Claus visiting the sick babies. In her little life, she did have personality and fight and determination. And oh was she loved.

My grandparents arrived one day to see her. My grandmother announced to my grandfather that she was going to see the baby - whether he took her or not. They totaled their very large (enormous really) Cadillac on the way to see her - in Cana, VA. It was a multi-car accident where one car stopped suddenly and several cars bumped into the back of each other. My grandparents had to rent a car half the size of theirs and continue on the trip. They got to go in and see her - because they were great grandparents and not just aunts. My grandmother came out and said of my sister, "Well, she has herself a real live baby doll." That meant so much to my sister.

Whitney and I would stop at Little Caesar's in Winston to treat ourselves to Crazy Bread before returning to their home way out in the country. Dwayne worked the night shift a lot, so Whitney appreciated the time I could come. While I was there one weekend with another friend, one of their two dogs came back shot. The other never returned. We searched all over the area where they lived and realized that no one cared if they shot someone else's dog - especially someone with a dying baby. It was a bleak, sad time. I was in charge of cleaning the bathroom when I was there. I put myself in that job. I cleaned that tub so much it's a wonder the finish did not come off. It's hard to know what to do with the energy and feelings and aches sometimes.  

Dwayne and Whitney came to Bristol on Christmas Eve in 1991, intending to spend a little time with family and return to the hospital and Katelyn on Christmas Day. I remember the phone ringing in the wee hours of the morning. It was the hospital - no cell phones back then. They cared enough to know where to find them. Dwayne and Whitney rushed to Baptist. By the time we got there a little later, Katelyn was gone. I still remember every Christmas how that felt. Again, I can grab a child now and hold him or her; and for that, I am so thankful.

I try to go and visit her grave on Christmas Eve so I can tell her I love her - even though I know she is not there. It's just a quiet place for reflection and to thank God for what He has given our family and blessed us with.

That time was a hard time in my life too. I took time off from my life the next few months and returned to school to start on a second degree. Thankfully, God worked out my own situation; and I returned to North Carolina and my own life that had seemed suspended for a few months. I remember people being so kind and helpful and thoughtful and supportive. And I still remember times of being so hurt by something someone said that I did not feel I could stand it. Sometimes I remember to keep my mouth closed. I would not want to cause that same pain and confusion for someone else. I appreciate those who quietly prayed for all of us and were there when we needed them - not just pretending to care but allowing God to use them to minister to and sustain our family.

I know one of God's tiniest angels. She slipped into our lives one cold night not meant to stay for long. And when it was time to go, she slipped out again. But she left us with something so hard to explain. In her short little life, she made such a huge impact. I cannot wait to see her again and hold her. I don't know what she will look like in Heaven, and I don't have to know. I just know I will see her, and I will know who she is!  

Happy 19th Birthday to Katelyn Elizabeth Ball. Thank you for affecting my life in such a wonderful and loving way - even though it is not empty of hurt and pain. I love you so much, and I am so happy to know you are with the One Who loves us the most. ~~~~~ Even though it was indeed scary, her parents loved her without reservation. A lot of us did. And though it has been hard without her here, we have that HOPE that we will see her again. She is worth every falling tear ~ just as they all are!

All of Me (Matt Hammitt)

Afraid to love
Something that could break
Could I move on
If you were torn away
 And I'm so close
To what I can't control
I can't give you half my heart
And pray He makes you whole

You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start

 I won't let sadness
Steal you from my arms
I won't let pain
Keep you from my heart
I dread the fear
Of all that I could lose
For every moment
I'll share with you

You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start

And Heaven brought you to this moment
It's too wonderful to speak
You're worth all of me
You're worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you
Even if I bleed
You're worth all of me
You're worth all of me

You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start

You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start
It's where I'll start

It's November!

I cannot believe we are already in November!  The last few months have flown by.  I am determined to remember this year as one for which to be thankful - instead of being the hardest year in my life!

Pete is still determined to keep moving on with his healing.  And we remain so thankful for the strides he has made, and we try to be patient moving forward.  We went to a PA at Baptist last week.  He wore a heart monitor for a couple of days before it fell off - a great new one from Johns Hopkins that attaches without any wires.  We hope it gave any information needed, if he had anything going on.  I had to just pray about that.  This is the second heart monitor he has had, and they just don't work after a couple of days.  He may or may not get better with the tingling that comes from the brain.  It's called Central Pain Syndrome.  He has started to work out again, after a short break.  He wants US (the two of us!) to tackle a much needed bath renovation over Christmas.  So that is a good sign - that he is looking forward to that and has been planning it out in his mind.  His speech continues to improve, and his limp is still there; but it can get better.  It's only been almost six months.

Andrew is great.  His new medicine seems to be working.  His running is really coming together.  School is good.  He was 6th at the Sun Belt Conference meet in GA on Sunday.  The article (http://www.wataugademocrat.com/sports/asu_sports/vandenberg-helps-mountaineers-to-second-place-finish-in-sun-belt/article_d03d445d-e284-533e-9fac-bd8cc5b62854.html) also mentions his dad who was all conference all four years many years ago.  Coach Curcio did not mention that he was right there with Pete one year!  Sam and I drove to Georgia to watch Andrew and got to enjoy eating breakfast and catching up a little bit with Coach Weaver.  It was a great race to watch, and I am so thankful for what God does in Andrew's life.  His life is a testimony.  His abilities are not his own.  He works so hard, but God brings it all together; because it really should not come together like it does.  I know.  I am his mother and have been there on the really rough days and in the really rough nights.  Instead of being proud, I am just so thankful.  I want others to see how God works.  It's not always like it was Sunday, but I see so many ways and places He works.  In my other boys too.

Peter is good and is working hard.  He and Will (who is a busy person himself) were at the scene of a wreck on the way home from church Sunday.  Peter called me right before we left the meet.  To make a long story short, I was once again thankful; because they could have really been hurt.  Peter was following Will, who was hit by a car after she lost control and hit another car before bouncing off and hitting him.  The important thing was that no one was hurt.  The boys said the other two cars were badly damaged.  We are dealing with a headlight and a bumper - not much compared to what could have happened. 

Sam has had his diabetes check up, and his a1c was down a little bit.  But we still check him a lot and get up and check in the night.  We still find some lows, and some extreme highs.  He has not felt well and has had some vision issues, but his eye check up is Thursday; so we are trying to hold on until then.  We went to a geneticist last week and are waiting for insurance approval to have some lab work done.  I hope it comes before the end of the year.  I get so frustrated when I try to get what my children need, and the insurance makes it so hard sometimes.  But I know God knows all of that.  Sam is my helper and checks on me to see what I might need.  I appreciate his sweet little spirit.

The other week Sam asked Andrew if he thought there would ever be a cure for diabetes.  Andrew said that he hoped so.  Sam said, "Well, I hope it's a pill.  I don't want anyone putting a fake pancreas in my body."  Andrew and I just looked at each other, and before we could react, he said, "Peter told me about that.  I just want a pill."  So we had a good laugh - even though we know some would welcome an artificial (as opposed to "fake") pancreas.  Sam does not want a pump or CGM right now either.  And this would have been the year to try it if he wanted.

I am looking forward to the regional cross country meet in Virginia next week.  I am about done with all my travel.  I have been to Winston and to Charlotte so many times lately, it seems.  But it's good to wrap all this up before the end of the year.

One of my church family members wrote an article about some of our struggles this year and in years past.  The link is http://www.wataugademocrat.com/aaw/features/running-toward-hope-with-wendi-vandenberg/article_1c6350e4-6464-11e5-8596-a3a290c8917d.html.  I hesitated to do the interview, but Pete reminded me that we can always point others to our Help.  And I hope that is what this does.  I can do nothing.  God helps me through.  I just need to keep my eyes on Him.

As we come to the end of the year, it's natural to reflect and look back.  This year, it's been tough; but I know for sure that God is with me.  I have felt Him when I have had my moments of fear and sadness and, even, despair.  I want to keep moving away from the things of this world and looking ahead to eternal life.  And I want others to see someone like me, imperfect and inadequate, and see how much God can help us.  You won't find anyone perfect here, but I hope to be one with a true love for Jesus that shines through in spite of me and my imperfections and ugliness. 

Thanks to all of you who pray for our family.  We love you and appreciate you so much!