In the midst of the chaos, He is right here.

Joshua 1:9 New International Version (NIV)

9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

I am redoing a room upstairs for Sam.  And it will have a Joshua 1:9 theme.  Sam has grown about a foot - just a few inches shorter than his Aunt Whitney, as of yesterday.  He may have passed her today!  We are getting rid of "younger" things and making a peaceful room that will, hopefully, give him a sort of refuge.  He has left his room and bathroom downstairs to Sarah, his grandmother, and now shares my bathroom - preferring it to the one his brothers share. One day, he will understand how something so easy for him to give up was actually very unselfish and made the whole transition much easier.  This mother has moved several rooms of furniture into a home that was pretty full, and I hope to have the excess gone and everything else put up soon.  It's time.

We quote Joshua 1:9 in relation to diabetes.  The 24/7 member of our family that we wish was not here.  We wish it had never invaded our days and nights and schedules and plans - and everything else.  Sam has a CGM now - he got it in October.  He has a new insulin and a new endocrinologist.  His retired, and the new one was not good.  So we just got a new doctor.  And we both really like him, and Sam is doing much better with his numbers after one visit.  He is running some, growing a ton, and getting ready for high school next year - eek!  His getting ready is more difficult than most.  We have to plan for special help, work around his reading classes at ASU, and make sure he is comfortable in the high school his brothers attended not long ago.  He is running middle school track.  The first few practices were nothing less than painful - physically for him - but also for me to watch him with so many children who ignored him.  It's hard.  But he has really been hanging in there and not asking to miss practice.  I am so thankful for his attitude and that the other day he allowed me to walk with him at the high school during warm up instead of him walking alone...again.  And I talked the whole time and told stories, and he laughed.  His blood sugar was too high or too low, and I had told his coach I was waiting to see what he needed anyway.  So with his diabetes and learning disabilities and social difficulties right now, he is doing remarkably well.  And I am thankful God shows me things and encourages me.

When Sam graduates in June, we will end our time at Hardin Park.  Andrew started there in 1999.  20 years.  Lots of great memories.  Lots of challenges.  I will miss the school.  I will miss a lot of people there.  But it will be time to move on; and, for Sam's sake, I am ready.  I am ready for Sam to be in a new place (as big and scary as our one high school can be) and to grow and flourish.  His difficulties will be used in his life somehow, I am sure.  It's been hard not to be able to drop him off and let him go and do his work.  It's been hard to go to meetings and leave feeling so discouraged and biting the inside of my cheek so I would not cry.  It's been hard to watch friends abandon him.  But God will use all of that.  I would not trade him for anything and constantly pray for him.  He is the sweetest, most thoughtful young man.  He is quiet and shy, but he is so funny and loving at home.  He sees things most of us miss.  And he helps me before I have realized I need his help.  When I start to wish things were different, I remember that MRI that shows some things that should not be there.  And I am so very thankful it affects his learning and has not yet caused seizures.

Which brings us to Andrew.  He just got his license back!  After almost two years!  He has had to not drive before, but it has never been this long.  He has his car registered (as his truck was destroyed in a wreck with his dad in April) and his insurance and is ready to go.  And has already gone.  To Bristol.  To church.  To work.  To hike.  Out to eat.  We are so tickled for him.  We hope this will take away some of the closed in feelings he's had since last year.  To be so limited and then to stay in that tiny little room for two weeks (the length of which may or may not have been partially a medication oversight by Duke) would be enough to push anyone over the edge - especially one taking so much medication.  He seems more and more himself.  No seizures.  He is working 40 hours a week at ASU in food services and hopes to hear from graduate school soon.  He is ready to get out and do things, and I pray for him constantly too and have started a couple of Rubbermaid boxes with bedding and towels and extra kitchen things.  I know it will be hard not having him around (because he's always been one of my favorite people), but I would not wish for him to stay with us; especially when he is 25 and wants to get out on his own.  

Peter is out on his own still, in Charlotte.  He does not call every day, but he takes time to call me and Sam a few times a week.  He works hard and has been helping Julianna some with her dog Rigby during tax season.  We miss him, but we are happy he is working hard and being helpful.  I will never ever forget the time he spent with me taking care of Pop during his last week of life last February.  Peter stepped up and did whatever needed to be done - and did it lovingly and well.  One of my favorite things Pop said that week was, "Get Peter over here to do it.  He'll do it right."  Pop was trying to sound gruff, but he gave Peter a high compliment.  And Peter will never forget that time he spent and how God helped him do whatever needed to be done.  He would gently pull the velcro on Pop's neck brace, so Pop would feel some relief - even though he did not move the brace.  When he comes home, we are all excited to see him, especially the dogs who can barely contain their excitement.  

Will is home and works with Solid Ground Grading still.  He has had some challenges this year too.  But he has taken responsibility in certain places and not whined or blamed things on others.  And that shows a lot!  He went with us to visit Grandmother before she died in October.  She loved that he reminded her so much of her brothers.  He saved the day on her funeral day by bringing Sam's extra insulin pen that we had somehow left earlier without.  He also was there, with his brothers and cousins and uncle, to carry Grandmother's casket at her funeral.  She would have loved to have seen that.  Will sleeps in the big bed that Pop made, patterned after a Restoration Hardware bed.  His room is huge, and the queen bed fits in there easily.  I hope one day that he will have the patience to try to build some furniture.  I know he could do it - if he wanted!

Pete and I appreciate all of our friends and family and helpers.  We appreciate our church family and friends.  It's been a tough bit, and we have had people help in ways we could not have imagined.  We have also had to team up and help each other through what I call "the complaint department" ~ which he is better at managing than I am.  It was so hard to be away from home stuck in a hospital with some pretty serious stuff and continue to manage that department.  And we have had to have some little talks to get back on track and not get bogged down in feeling left out or let down or discouraged.  We can only really count on God.  And of course it hurts when someone lets us down or hurts our feelings, especially when we are in a storm.  But it's also something that brings us closer to God, our constant, the One Who never changes.  And Pete always reminds me that we have done the same to our friends and loved ones, even if we did not realize it.  I pray I have grown more in this area and don't dwell on things too long.  Things that don't really matter in the long run.

Pete takes care of his mom and takes her to Winston every Friday to eat lunch with Meg and, sometimes, Charlie.  Sparing details, she is much worse but is safe and probably the calmest she can be right now with him (us).  She does not know Pete is her son, but she knows he is always around and helps her with whatever.  But I cannot count the times that he tells her to "ask Meg" who handles most of her affairs.  I still don't thing we will be able to truly grieve for Pop until later.  Maybe others in our situation understand.  So we pray a lot.  Because it's just hard.

Next February, we are planning on a Holy Land Tour.  We have several people signed up and a few more coming on board.  We hope to have 25-30 in our group.  A smaller group would be fine, but Pete has worked so hard to get the cost down as cheap as he could get it that he would love more people to be able to go.  I am so excited to go walk where Jesus walked.  

We have lots going on in our extended family and with our friends.  This looks to be an exciting year.  We look back on last year and see how tough it was.  And this year has already had some challenges.  But we are still able to laugh - only because we know we can turn it all over to God.  Oh, I have to turn it all over again and again.  I know it's not as easy as it sounds!  But I know God is with me.  He does not want me to fear but to charge ahead knowing He is with me wherever I go.  That brings such comfort.

And as I have felt so bogged down by life and some of its heavy and dark and depressing weights, I have tried to climb out of the dark by reading and studying my Bible more.  And I am behind.  But I know the days I read are better days.  I pray constantly.  Being still and reading and having that quiet time is hard for me right now.  But I keep trying.  And there is nothing like it.  Sometimes it's best at 2:00 am with low blood sugars and alarms going off (what did we do without the CGM???).  Sometimes it's best on a Sunday afternoon.  But any day with special quiet time with the Lord is a much better day.  

I've also felt such a burden for lost people.  We watched American Gospel, Christ Alone at church.  It's a little over two hours, and you can rent it on a lot of sites for $4.99.  There is a lot of "stuff" out there that is not the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  It's not just ~ Jesus loves you, so live however you want.  NO!  It's that Jesus loves us so much that He died for our sins.  If we don't need to repent of our sins to make a way back to God, why did He have to die???  That Jesus is God, lived as a sinless man on this earth, went to a cross to die for ALL of our sins, and then He rose from the grave.  That is the Gospel.  And I feel such a burden to share it.  We have ways at church that we share.  And we have some great events coming up.  But I pray for people all of the time, individually and collectively, that they will hear the truth and be saved.  I am so grateful that Jesus died for me.  And that is enough.  BUT, He cares about all of the above, and that makes life so much different.  Because a life full of difficulties can also be a life full of Hope ~ that's only found in Jesus.  And what He did.  

I pray for our country, our leaders and their families, our military men and women and their families, and lots more every day on our way to school in the car.  I know a lot of our problems right now stem from untruths.  It's hard to watch.  And it's hard to be silent.  But I hope that God will help me be still until it is time to speak up.  I try to pray instead of responding to people or even starting something in anger.  And sometimes I fail.  But praying is one of the best, most effective, and, sometimes, only things I can do.  So I do it.

Thanks for reading this.  I will end with a Mercy Me song.  Best News Ever.

"Best News Ever"  Mercy Me

Some say, "Don't give up"
And hope that your good is good enough
Head down, keep on working
If you can earn it, you deserve it
Some say, "Push on through"
After all, it's the least that you can do
But don't buy what they're selling
It couldn't be further from the truth

What if I were the one to tell you
That the fight's already been won
Well, I think your day's about to get better
What if I were the one to tell you
That the work's already been done
It's not good news
It's the best news ever

Some say, "Don't ask for help"
God helps the ones who help themselves
So press on, get it right
Otherwise, get left behind
Some say "He's keeping score"
"So try hard, then try a little more"
But hold up, if this were true
Explain to me what the cross is for!

What if I were the one to tell you
That the fight's already been won
Well, I think your day's about to get better
What if I were the one to tell you
That the work's already been done
It's not good news
It's the best news ever
Best news ever

So won't you, come
Come all you weary and you burdened
You heavy-laden and you hurting
For all of you with nothing left
Come and find rest!

What if I were the one to tell you
That the fight's already been won
Well, I think your day's about to get better
What if I were the one to tell you
That the work's already been done
It's not good news
It's the best news ever!
Best news ever...

It's not good news
It's the best news ever
Best news ever
It's not good news
It's the best news ever