One of God's tiniest Angels ~ Happy 29th Birthday Katelyn Elizabeth Ball (November 20, 1991 ~ December 25, 1991)

 I know one of God's tiniest angels.  She slipped into our lives one cold night and showed us so much in the five short, but precious, weeks she was with us.  Then she slipped away to Heaven on Christmas Day.  We think about her often.  We celebrate her birth in November and pray quietly on Christmas.  We remember her.  We love her.  And we cannot wait to see her again!  This is the HOPE we have in Jesus.  

This year, as I remember little tiny Katelyn, I give thanks for the time we had with her.  For knowing her.  For how God has used her life to teach me and remind me of so many things.  

I always pray for her parents, her younger siblings, her grandparents, and all of our other family and friends who are remembering her too!

I am going to cut and paste some past blog entries I wrote about Katelyn.  I always pray I will learn something that will help me be a better light for Jesus in this world.  

~~~~~~~~~~~

Today is a day to remember.  And to be thankful.  And to have hope.  And though I always cry some tears on this day, I feel that joy deep in my soul that I KNOW where she is and where I will go to see her again.

As life can get harder and harder, Heaven gets more and more real.  I am so thankful Jesus came and died for even me so that I can live with Him one day.  His precious and most painful gift is free, and all I had to do was accept it and believe it.  Why would I want to live for anyone else?  I want to live for the One who died for me.  The only One who could.

I am so thankful that I will see this little person again.  I don't know what she will look like, but I know I will know her.

Happy 24th Birthday, Katelyn Elizabeth Ball.  We love you and will see you again.

~~~~~~~~


I cannot believe tomorrow is Katelyn's 22nd birthday. She has celebrated all of her birthdays in Heaven ~ if there is a need to celebrate when in Heaven on just certain days! I got a text this morning from a dear friend/sister. She asked something, and I knew exactly what she was asking about ~ Katelyn. We all come back to this place this time of year. It's sad, but it's so much more than that. The first years were hard because Katelyn was the first baby in the family and for most of our friends. We did not yet know about all of the blessings that would come. So we felt the loss and felt it very acutely.  We still feel the loss, but we can see how God has worked; and that gives us hope and peace.

 November 20th will always be a day of reflection for me. I can still feel that cinder block wall. I still remember having my brother right there with me ~ knowing exactly how I was feeling and sharing that time of sorrow and concern. I can see my mom sitting in the waiting room. I can see my aunt talking to my uncle. The memories are so sharp. I remember Little Caesars in Winston and the chair that a nurse brought outside the NICU for me to sit on while Whitney visited in the nursery. I remember driving my grandfather back to the road to go home in a small rental car. So many memories half my lifetime ago ~ that seem like yesterday.

I know He lives. And I know we will see her and others we have lost. What a blessing and what hope we have. If you don't have that, please ask someone about it now. The gift of eternal life is free and just needs to be accepted.


This is last year's post ~~~~~

I wrote this original post two years ago. I just read it again...and cried. It seems like it could not be 21 years ago, and then it seems like a lifetime ago. The first weeks were the hardest. Then the first months. God was with us. He is still with us even now - He never left. Never will.

I know one of God's tiniest angels
She slipped into our lives one cold night
Not meant to stay for long
This precious little bundle
She taught us love in her short time on earth
And when it was time to go
She slipped out of our lives
But not out of our hearts
Where she will stay
And we will see her again...in Heaven
(a revision of the poem I wrote a year after she died)

Every year is one year closer...

2011 Post This is actually last year's post. I just read it and cried. But it says what I would want to say again. I am adding some song lyrics to the end. So this is a long one.

Happy Birthday this weekend to my precious little tiny Katelyn Elizabeth Ball. Every day is one day closer to seeing her again (and those great grandparents mentioned in this post!). Thinking of the family and friends and praying that her life will still have a strong impact. ~~~~~~~~

I can remember it like it was just last week. I arrived at Forsyth Hospital in Winston where my sister was in labor with her first baby. She had found out about a month before that the baby was not growing and developing. We knew some of what could be, but we did not know much. I found her watching Little House on the Prairie while nurses hovered nearby and lots of doctors were readying to attend the birth. Because Katelyn was my sister's first baby, they really wanted to do everything they could for her and my sister. My dad would check on Whitney periodically, but he would turn a greenish color and have to leave. My aunt was begging my uncle for a cigarette, but he kept reminding her calmly that she had stopped smoking. I remember arriving, checking on Whitney and Dwayne, going to the Hanes Mall to eat (and not even being tempted to shop!) while we waited...and waited.

Then I fast forward to sitting in the hall straight up against a cinder block wall. Katelyn was there, and Whitney was fine. The doctors did not think that tiny baby would make it through the night. One of her pediatricians had mercy on Russell and me and invited us to say hi to Katelyn before they took her to Baptist just a little bit away. She was as long as a newborn because she was term, but she weighed less than three pounds. I remember yellow. Her hair or her skin. And I remember loving her with everything I had. And I remember how my arms ached so badly to hold her. Now I can grab one of the other children to hold when I feel that ache, but then there was no baby to hold. And we could not hold her. I am sure Russell and I prayed for her and over her. And that was one of the only times I was within an arm's length in her whole five weeks.

In the NICU, there are very strict rules with very good reason. Still, I drove to Stuart, VA, every weekend to spend time with Whitney and go with her to the hospital even though it meant sitting on the outside. I got a couple of glimpses, and Dwayne took some pictures. No digital cameras back then! And there is a video. I ached to hold this baby, see her, and get to know her. And somehow through the wall, I was able to do just that - get to know her through pieces of information and pictures. She was supposed to have only part of a kidney. She had more than they thought. She scooted in her tiny bassinet. She scrunched her face and tried to hide from Santa Claus visiting the sick babies. In her little life, she did have personality and fight and determination. And oh was she loved.

My grandparents arrived one day to see her. My grandmother announced to my grandfather that she was going to see the baby - whether he took her or not. They totaled their very large (enormous really) Cadillac on the way to see her - in Cana, VA. It was a multi-car accident where one car stopped suddenly and several cars bumped into the back of each other. My grandparents had to rent a car half the size of theirs and continue on the trip. They got to go in and see her - because they were great grandparents and not just aunts. My grandmother came out and said of my sister, "Well, she has herself a real live baby doll." That meant so much to my sister.

Whitney and I would stop at Little Caesar's in Winston to treat ourselves to Crazy Bread before returning to their home way out in the country. Dwayne worked the night shift a lot, so Whitney appreciated the time I could come. While I was there one weekend with another friend, one of their two dogs came back shot. The other never returned. We searched all over the area where they lived and realized that no one cared if they shot someone else's dog - especially someone with a dying baby. It was a bleak, sad time. I was in charge of cleaning the bathroom when I was there. I put myself in that job. I cleaned that tub so much it's a wonder the finish did not come off. It's hard to know what to do with the energy and feelings and aches sometimes.  

Dwayne and Whitney came to Bristol on Christmas Eve in 1991, intending to spend a little time with family and return to the hospital and Katelyn on Christmas Day. I remember the phone ringing in the wee hours of the morning. It was the hospital - no cell phones back then. They cared enough to know where to find them. Dwayne and Whitney rushed to Baptist. By the time we got there a little later, Katelyn was gone. I still remember every Christmas how that felt. Again, I can grab a child now and hold him or her; and for that, I am so thankful.

I try to go and visit her grave on Christmas Eve so I can tell her I love her - even though I know she is not there. It's just a quiet place for reflection and to thank God for what He has given our family and blessed us with.

That time was a hard time in my life too. I took time off from my life the next few months and returned to school to start on a second degree. Thankfully, God worked out my own situation; and I returned to North Carolina and my own life that had seemed suspended for a few months. I remember people being so kind and helpful and thoughtful and supportive. And I still remember times of being so hurt by something someone said that I did not feel I could stand it. Sometimes I remember to keep my mouth closed. I would not want to cause that same pain and confusion for someone else. I appreciate those who quietly prayed for all of us and were there when we needed them - not just pretending to care but allowing God to use them to minister to and sustain our family.

I know one of God's tiniest angels. She slipped into our lives one cold night not meant to stay for long. And when it was time to go, she slipped out again. But she left us with something so hard to explain. In her short little life, she made such a huge impact. I cannot wait to see her again and hold her. I don't know what she will look like in Heaven, and I don't have to know. I just know I will see her, and I will know who she is!  

Happy 19th Birthday to Katelyn Elizabeth Ball. Thank you for affecting my life in such a wonderful and loving way - even though it is not empty of hurt and pain. I love you so much, and I am so happy to know you are with the One Who loves us the most. ~~~~~ Even though it was indeed scary, her parents loved her without reservation. A lot of us did. And though it has been hard without her here, we have that HOPE that we will see her again. She is worth every falling tear ~ just as they all are!

All of Me (Matt Hammitt)

Afraid to love
Something that could break
Could I move on
If you were torn away
 And I'm so close
To what I can't control
I can't give you half my heart
And pray He makes you whole

You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start

 I won't let sadness
Steal you from my arms
I won't let pain
Keep you from my heart
I dread the fear
Of all that I could lose
For every moment
I'll share with you

You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start

And Heaven brought you to this moment
It's too wonderful to speak
You're worth all of me
You're worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you
Even if I bleed
You're worth all of me
You're worth all of me

You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start

You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start
It's where I'll start

A long long time ago...

A long long time ago, I started sending emails asking for prayer.  I had a computer in an extra bedroom in my house across from Hardin Park.  I was scared and asked people to pray for Andrew.  I remember sitting in the chair at the computer not afraid to send a message asking everyone I knew to pray for him.  He had so many issues.  I was so ill-equipped to take care of him.  I believe it was the best thing I ever did.  Then later, I started a blog.  My email had been changed, and I had difficulties setting it back up.  But for years, I know people prayed when they got an email from me.  With a blog, it's not always read.  But I still believe that the people who have read it through strokes and surgeries and a bad diagnosis or two have prayed.  And we are so thankful for each and every prayer.  Sometimes I share on Facebook.  But for a long time, it's been difficult to write.  So I've decided to take the advice of some who have been so dear over the years and start again. 

I had about a year to prepare for our Holy Land trip in February.  I was on a roll getting into good walking shape, eating well, and reading about the places we would go.  Then everything fell apart again, and I was stressed getting ready, getting everything I left in place, and just not feeling as ready, prepared, and organized as I meant to be!  But God worked it all out.  He gave me my sister to take care of ALL of Sam's stuff.  And she did a great job.  She had Andrew and Will to help some, but she had to learn to change his new insulin pump site and wake up to give him something to eat when he got low at night.  She was up a lot one night when Lucy, our Golden Retriever, decided that thunderstorms were just not her thing.  She took on organizing projects and cleaned, of course, while she was at my house!  And I did not worry about Sam one bit like I thought I would.  I only talked to them a little and texted a little.  And they were great.  The others were all fine too.  I had lots of other help in many different ways, and I appreciated it all!

The trip to Charlotte was great.  I did well on the long flight, once I figured out how to open the bathroom door!  And we had the very best group of people.  We only had 17, which ended up being a great number to get in and out of places pretty quickly.  We had a wonderful guide, and we could not have had a better bus driver. I got quite attached to everyone and cried when I left them!

One of the first few days, we were on the Sea of Galilee; and I sat by myself in the middle of a pretty good sized boat.  We thought that would lessen my chance of being sea sick.  So I sat still and enjoyed the boat ride and watched the others.  I was listening to the music being played, and a song I knew came on.  I knew when I got home, I would have things to deal with.  I just didn't know exactly what.  But I felt like God was giving me that time to be still.  Not only to be still, but to be still in the place of the storm on the sea.  Where Jesus walked on water.  Where Peter did until he took his eyes off Jesus.  Where Jesus calmed the storm.  What a blessing that be still time was on the Sea of Galilee.

While most of my trip was documented on my Facebook to help me organize and remember my pictures when I got home, I am still working on my photo book.  I am excited to get it done.  The pictures are all of the trip through my eyes. 

I wasn't sure what Pete was talking about when he talked about going HOME.  But the minute we got to Israel, I felt at home.  I felt at peace.   I was not worried or concerned and never felt unsafe.  We walked around at night in Jerusalem in groups, and it felt safer than downtown Boone!  It was special to be in the land of God's chosen people, the Jews.  And to be where my Lord and Savior walked on this earth.  He is a Jew.  And it's hard to understand why there are so few Christ followers there.  So hard to understand.  But then, I look at myself.  And all around me.  I stick to what I know and have been taught to some extent at least.  And that's what they do.  So I should not be too hard on them, when I do the same with other things.  And people around me do too!

Going to Bethlehem with a special guide, George, was one of my favorite days.  I did not plan to buy many gifts for people - I just did not want to be caught up in that - not knowing how my time would be.  But we did have time to go into shops and the market (multiple times!), so I made a point to look for the most primitive Nativity sets.  I found some simple ones for some of my special people.  There is just something about having a simple Nativity set from Bethlehem or Jerusalem.  It just takes me back.  So we went down under a big church to the place where a star is there to represent where Jesus could have been born.  We are in Bethlehem at a site, and it's representing Jesus' birth.  And I was overcome with thankfulness for the birth of my Savior.  It's hard to describe.  That Mark Schultz song "When Love Was Born" kept running through my head.  We went in a small door to enter the church - not the big front door.  It was the line that says, "Bethlehem, through your small door, came the Hope we've waited for.  The world was changed forevermore, when Love was born."  Chills!

Another day, we saw this beautiful rainbow over Jerusalem.  We saw so many rainbows on this trip.  A lot of them were while we were in a moving bus.  They were extra spectacular and are always such great reminders that God keeps His promises.  Every single one.

On the last day, we went to the Garden of Gethsemane.  I brought home olive branches from there to make something special for my boys.  That is where Jesus prayed in anguish before He was arrested.  It was hard to imagine him arrested at night and lowered into a hole into a stone cave at Caiaphas' house to be held as a prisoner.  It was hard to be the place where He was beaten and scourged.  It was hard to imagine what we've seen on TV and seen in our minds - that we were standing in those places.  It was so real.  We don't have to go to Israel to know that and be thankful for it.  But to be there was a gift of remembrance.  He did all that for me.  And you.

And then, Golgotha (Calvary, Place of the Skull) where our special guide Allison from Scotland talked to us about "her" Savior Jesus.  And I wanted to come home and talk about Jesus like she does.  She told us how He would have been more at a crossroads instead of up on a hill, for the utmost humiliation and suffering.  She got tears in her eyes talking about Jesus.  She then took us to the EMPTY tomb.  Then we had communion and sang some praise songs.  What a special gift to be there and experience what we did.  I got a special gift or two in that gift shop just because of where it was and a prayer shawl right outside.  It was the hardest place and the most special, where my Lord and Savior laid down His perfect life for me.  And everyone else.

The last night, I took this picture out of our hotel window.  We stayed in nice, safe hotels.  The air, the calm, the atmosphere was something I was not ready to leave.  It's hard to explain, because I was ready to get home; but in some ways I wanted to stay.  I think that's the pull of the Holy Land.  Being where Jesus was while on this earth was an amazing gift and experience.  And I am forever thankful and changed because of it.  I don't know if I'll get to go back, but I would never go on a big trip anywhere else.  I would choose Israel first!  I know the second trip would be just as wonderful - even though it's hard to imagine a better guide, special guides, or bus driver.

So we came home and got caught back up in life pretty quickly.  And things were going on that I did not know about.  And then the COVID-19 came and is still here.  I still work three days a week at the Peds office.  I still clean at a church and just spring clean in place of things I don't clean while we don't have church.  I help sometimes pack the meals to be delivered twice a week to church and community members.  I had to cancel our Easter Egg Hunt but sent our gifts and prizes to another place for children to have before Easter.  I've had the hardest time not seeing baby Emma as she grows faster and faster.  And I've been sad for the weddings that have been "changed" by some of my favorite young people.  I miss Peter in Charlotte.  I miss so many.  But in some ways, this unexpected change has been a break.  It's been a time to spend more time with Sam and his school work.  We walk/run some days and get to talk and work on his running form.  We've worked on some things that are always on the back burner.  We finally got the training and code to update his insulin pump. 

It's been a time to stop and look back.  I don't want to lose that special feeling that I had in Israel.  I don't want to forget how Allison talked about her Savior Jesus, who is my Savior too.  I don't want to forget the horrible imaginings of what Jesus endured for me.  I want to be bold like the Peter who taught about Jesus until his last day.  I want to be strong and courageous like Joshua at Jericho.  And while I am always busy during this time it seems, it has been a good little break in the midst of the unknown.  It's so stressful for some because of their jobs or because they cannot work or open their businesses.  So I pray a lot for our country.  And I pray God will show me when and what I need to do.  Because no matter how hard it gets, God is still in control.  He is still with us.  And He wants us to turn to Him.  What a load off my shoulders that is.

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."  I Peter 5:7