One of God's tiniest Angels ~ Happy 29th Birthday Katelyn Elizabeth Ball (November 20, 1991 ~ December 25, 1991)

 I know one of God's tiniest angels.  She slipped into our lives one cold night and showed us so much in the five short, but precious, weeks she was with us.  Then she slipped away to Heaven on Christmas Day.  We think about her often.  We celebrate her birth in November and pray quietly on Christmas.  We remember her.  We love her.  And we cannot wait to see her again!  This is the HOPE we have in Jesus.  

This year, as I remember little tiny Katelyn, I give thanks for the time we had with her.  For knowing her.  For how God has used her life to teach me and remind me of so many things.  

I always pray for her parents, her younger siblings, her grandparents, and all of our other family and friends who are remembering her too!

I am going to cut and paste some past blog entries I wrote about Katelyn.  I always pray I will learn something that will help me be a better light for Jesus in this world.  

~~~~~~~~~~~

Today is a day to remember.  And to be thankful.  And to have hope.  And though I always cry some tears on this day, I feel that joy deep in my soul that I KNOW where she is and where I will go to see her again.

As life can get harder and harder, Heaven gets more and more real.  I am so thankful Jesus came and died for even me so that I can live with Him one day.  His precious and most painful gift is free, and all I had to do was accept it and believe it.  Why would I want to live for anyone else?  I want to live for the One who died for me.  The only One who could.

I am so thankful that I will see this little person again.  I don't know what she will look like, but I know I will know her.

Happy 24th Birthday, Katelyn Elizabeth Ball.  We love you and will see you again.

~~~~~~~~


I cannot believe tomorrow is Katelyn's 22nd birthday. She has celebrated all of her birthdays in Heaven ~ if there is a need to celebrate when in Heaven on just certain days! I got a text this morning from a dear friend/sister. She asked something, and I knew exactly what she was asking about ~ Katelyn. We all come back to this place this time of year. It's sad, but it's so much more than that. The first years were hard because Katelyn was the first baby in the family and for most of our friends. We did not yet know about all of the blessings that would come. So we felt the loss and felt it very acutely.  We still feel the loss, but we can see how God has worked; and that gives us hope and peace.

 November 20th will always be a day of reflection for me. I can still feel that cinder block wall. I still remember having my brother right there with me ~ knowing exactly how I was feeling and sharing that time of sorrow and concern. I can see my mom sitting in the waiting room. I can see my aunt talking to my uncle. The memories are so sharp. I remember Little Caesars in Winston and the chair that a nurse brought outside the NICU for me to sit on while Whitney visited in the nursery. I remember driving my grandfather back to the road to go home in a small rental car. So many memories half my lifetime ago ~ that seem like yesterday.

I know He lives. And I know we will see her and others we have lost. What a blessing and what hope we have. If you don't have that, please ask someone about it now. The gift of eternal life is free and just needs to be accepted.


This is last year's post ~~~~~

I wrote this original post two years ago. I just read it again...and cried. It seems like it could not be 21 years ago, and then it seems like a lifetime ago. The first weeks were the hardest. Then the first months. God was with us. He is still with us even now - He never left. Never will.

I know one of God's tiniest angels
She slipped into our lives one cold night
Not meant to stay for long
This precious little bundle
She taught us love in her short time on earth
And when it was time to go
She slipped out of our lives
But not out of our hearts
Where she will stay
And we will see her again...in Heaven
(a revision of the poem I wrote a year after she died)

Every year is one year closer...

2011 Post This is actually last year's post. I just read it and cried. But it says what I would want to say again. I am adding some song lyrics to the end. So this is a long one.

Happy Birthday this weekend to my precious little tiny Katelyn Elizabeth Ball. Every day is one day closer to seeing her again (and those great grandparents mentioned in this post!). Thinking of the family and friends and praying that her life will still have a strong impact. ~~~~~~~~

I can remember it like it was just last week. I arrived at Forsyth Hospital in Winston where my sister was in labor with her first baby. She had found out about a month before that the baby was not growing and developing. We knew some of what could be, but we did not know much. I found her watching Little House on the Prairie while nurses hovered nearby and lots of doctors were readying to attend the birth. Because Katelyn was my sister's first baby, they really wanted to do everything they could for her and my sister. My dad would check on Whitney periodically, but he would turn a greenish color and have to leave. My aunt was begging my uncle for a cigarette, but he kept reminding her calmly that she had stopped smoking. I remember arriving, checking on Whitney and Dwayne, going to the Hanes Mall to eat (and not even being tempted to shop!) while we waited...and waited.

Then I fast forward to sitting in the hall straight up against a cinder block wall. Katelyn was there, and Whitney was fine. The doctors did not think that tiny baby would make it through the night. One of her pediatricians had mercy on Russell and me and invited us to say hi to Katelyn before they took her to Baptist just a little bit away. She was as long as a newborn because she was term, but she weighed less than three pounds. I remember yellow. Her hair or her skin. And I remember loving her with everything I had. And I remember how my arms ached so badly to hold her. Now I can grab one of the other children to hold when I feel that ache, but then there was no baby to hold. And we could not hold her. I am sure Russell and I prayed for her and over her. And that was one of the only times I was within an arm's length in her whole five weeks.

In the NICU, there are very strict rules with very good reason. Still, I drove to Stuart, VA, every weekend to spend time with Whitney and go with her to the hospital even though it meant sitting on the outside. I got a couple of glimpses, and Dwayne took some pictures. No digital cameras back then! And there is a video. I ached to hold this baby, see her, and get to know her. And somehow through the wall, I was able to do just that - get to know her through pieces of information and pictures. She was supposed to have only part of a kidney. She had more than they thought. She scooted in her tiny bassinet. She scrunched her face and tried to hide from Santa Claus visiting the sick babies. In her little life, she did have personality and fight and determination. And oh was she loved.

My grandparents arrived one day to see her. My grandmother announced to my grandfather that she was going to see the baby - whether he took her or not. They totaled their very large (enormous really) Cadillac on the way to see her - in Cana, VA. It was a multi-car accident where one car stopped suddenly and several cars bumped into the back of each other. My grandparents had to rent a car half the size of theirs and continue on the trip. They got to go in and see her - because they were great grandparents and not just aunts. My grandmother came out and said of my sister, "Well, she has herself a real live baby doll." That meant so much to my sister.

Whitney and I would stop at Little Caesar's in Winston to treat ourselves to Crazy Bread before returning to their home way out in the country. Dwayne worked the night shift a lot, so Whitney appreciated the time I could come. While I was there one weekend with another friend, one of their two dogs came back shot. The other never returned. We searched all over the area where they lived and realized that no one cared if they shot someone else's dog - especially someone with a dying baby. It was a bleak, sad time. I was in charge of cleaning the bathroom when I was there. I put myself in that job. I cleaned that tub so much it's a wonder the finish did not come off. It's hard to know what to do with the energy and feelings and aches sometimes.  

Dwayne and Whitney came to Bristol on Christmas Eve in 1991, intending to spend a little time with family and return to the hospital and Katelyn on Christmas Day. I remember the phone ringing in the wee hours of the morning. It was the hospital - no cell phones back then. They cared enough to know where to find them. Dwayne and Whitney rushed to Baptist. By the time we got there a little later, Katelyn was gone. I still remember every Christmas how that felt. Again, I can grab a child now and hold him or her; and for that, I am so thankful.

I try to go and visit her grave on Christmas Eve so I can tell her I love her - even though I know she is not there. It's just a quiet place for reflection and to thank God for what He has given our family and blessed us with.

That time was a hard time in my life too. I took time off from my life the next few months and returned to school to start on a second degree. Thankfully, God worked out my own situation; and I returned to North Carolina and my own life that had seemed suspended for a few months. I remember people being so kind and helpful and thoughtful and supportive. And I still remember times of being so hurt by something someone said that I did not feel I could stand it. Sometimes I remember to keep my mouth closed. I would not want to cause that same pain and confusion for someone else. I appreciate those who quietly prayed for all of us and were there when we needed them - not just pretending to care but allowing God to use them to minister to and sustain our family.

I know one of God's tiniest angels. She slipped into our lives one cold night not meant to stay for long. And when it was time to go, she slipped out again. But she left us with something so hard to explain. In her short little life, she made such a huge impact. I cannot wait to see her again and hold her. I don't know what she will look like in Heaven, and I don't have to know. I just know I will see her, and I will know who she is!  

Happy 19th Birthday to Katelyn Elizabeth Ball. Thank you for affecting my life in such a wonderful and loving way - even though it is not empty of hurt and pain. I love you so much, and I am so happy to know you are with the One Who loves us the most. ~~~~~ Even though it was indeed scary, her parents loved her without reservation. A lot of us did. And though it has been hard without her here, we have that HOPE that we will see her again. She is worth every falling tear ~ just as they all are!

All of Me (Matt Hammitt)

Afraid to love
Something that could break
Could I move on
If you were torn away
 And I'm so close
To what I can't control
I can't give you half my heart
And pray He makes you whole

You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start

 I won't let sadness
Steal you from my arms
I won't let pain
Keep you from my heart
I dread the fear
Of all that I could lose
For every moment
I'll share with you

You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start

And Heaven brought you to this moment
It's too wonderful to speak
You're worth all of me
You're worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you
Even if I bleed
You're worth all of me
You're worth all of me

You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start

You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start
It's where I'll start

A long long time ago...

A long long time ago, I started sending emails asking for prayer.  I had a computer in an extra bedroom in my house across from Hardin Park.  I was scared and asked people to pray for Andrew.  I remember sitting in the chair at the computer not afraid to send a message asking everyone I knew to pray for him.  He had so many issues.  I was so ill-equipped to take care of him.  I believe it was the best thing I ever did.  Then later, I started a blog.  My email had been changed, and I had difficulties setting it back up.  But for years, I know people prayed when they got an email from me.  With a blog, it's not always read.  But I still believe that the people who have read it through strokes and surgeries and a bad diagnosis or two have prayed.  And we are so thankful for each and every prayer.  Sometimes I share on Facebook.  But for a long time, it's been difficult to write.  So I've decided to take the advice of some who have been so dear over the years and start again. 

I had about a year to prepare for our Holy Land trip in February.  I was on a roll getting into good walking shape, eating well, and reading about the places we would go.  Then everything fell apart again, and I was stressed getting ready, getting everything I left in place, and just not feeling as ready, prepared, and organized as I meant to be!  But God worked it all out.  He gave me my sister to take care of ALL of Sam's stuff.  And she did a great job.  She had Andrew and Will to help some, but she had to learn to change his new insulin pump site and wake up to give him something to eat when he got low at night.  She was up a lot one night when Lucy, our Golden Retriever, decided that thunderstorms were just not her thing.  She took on organizing projects and cleaned, of course, while she was at my house!  And I did not worry about Sam one bit like I thought I would.  I only talked to them a little and texted a little.  And they were great.  The others were all fine too.  I had lots of other help in many different ways, and I appreciated it all!

The trip to Charlotte was great.  I did well on the long flight, once I figured out how to open the bathroom door!  And we had the very best group of people.  We only had 17, which ended up being a great number to get in and out of places pretty quickly.  We had a wonderful guide, and we could not have had a better bus driver. I got quite attached to everyone and cried when I left them!

One of the first few days, we were on the Sea of Galilee; and I sat by myself in the middle of a pretty good sized boat.  We thought that would lessen my chance of being sea sick.  So I sat still and enjoyed the boat ride and watched the others.  I was listening to the music being played, and a song I knew came on.  I knew when I got home, I would have things to deal with.  I just didn't know exactly what.  But I felt like God was giving me that time to be still.  Not only to be still, but to be still in the place of the storm on the sea.  Where Jesus walked on water.  Where Peter did until he took his eyes off Jesus.  Where Jesus calmed the storm.  What a blessing that be still time was on the Sea of Galilee.

While most of my trip was documented on my Facebook to help me organize and remember my pictures when I got home, I am still working on my photo book.  I am excited to get it done.  The pictures are all of the trip through my eyes. 

I wasn't sure what Pete was talking about when he talked about going HOME.  But the minute we got to Israel, I felt at home.  I felt at peace.   I was not worried or concerned and never felt unsafe.  We walked around at night in Jerusalem in groups, and it felt safer than downtown Boone!  It was special to be in the land of God's chosen people, the Jews.  And to be where my Lord and Savior walked on this earth.  He is a Jew.  And it's hard to understand why there are so few Christ followers there.  So hard to understand.  But then, I look at myself.  And all around me.  I stick to what I know and have been taught to some extent at least.  And that's what they do.  So I should not be too hard on them, when I do the same with other things.  And people around me do too!

Going to Bethlehem with a special guide, George, was one of my favorite days.  I did not plan to buy many gifts for people - I just did not want to be caught up in that - not knowing how my time would be.  But we did have time to go into shops and the market (multiple times!), so I made a point to look for the most primitive Nativity sets.  I found some simple ones for some of my special people.  There is just something about having a simple Nativity set from Bethlehem or Jerusalem.  It just takes me back.  So we went down under a big church to the place where a star is there to represent where Jesus could have been born.  We are in Bethlehem at a site, and it's representing Jesus' birth.  And I was overcome with thankfulness for the birth of my Savior.  It's hard to describe.  That Mark Schultz song "When Love Was Born" kept running through my head.  We went in a small door to enter the church - not the big front door.  It was the line that says, "Bethlehem, through your small door, came the Hope we've waited for.  The world was changed forevermore, when Love was born."  Chills!

Another day, we saw this beautiful rainbow over Jerusalem.  We saw so many rainbows on this trip.  A lot of them were while we were in a moving bus.  They were extra spectacular and are always such great reminders that God keeps His promises.  Every single one.

On the last day, we went to the Garden of Gethsemane.  I brought home olive branches from there to make something special for my boys.  That is where Jesus prayed in anguish before He was arrested.  It was hard to imagine him arrested at night and lowered into a hole into a stone cave at Caiaphas' house to be held as a prisoner.  It was hard to be the place where He was beaten and scourged.  It was hard to imagine what we've seen on TV and seen in our minds - that we were standing in those places.  It was so real.  We don't have to go to Israel to know that and be thankful for it.  But to be there was a gift of remembrance.  He did all that for me.  And you.

And then, Golgotha (Calvary, Place of the Skull) where our special guide Allison from Scotland talked to us about "her" Savior Jesus.  And I wanted to come home and talk about Jesus like she does.  She told us how He would have been more at a crossroads instead of up on a hill, for the utmost humiliation and suffering.  She got tears in her eyes talking about Jesus.  She then took us to the EMPTY tomb.  Then we had communion and sang some praise songs.  What a special gift to be there and experience what we did.  I got a special gift or two in that gift shop just because of where it was and a prayer shawl right outside.  It was the hardest place and the most special, where my Lord and Savior laid down His perfect life for me.  And everyone else.

The last night, I took this picture out of our hotel window.  We stayed in nice, safe hotels.  The air, the calm, the atmosphere was something I was not ready to leave.  It's hard to explain, because I was ready to get home; but in some ways I wanted to stay.  I think that's the pull of the Holy Land.  Being where Jesus was while on this earth was an amazing gift and experience.  And I am forever thankful and changed because of it.  I don't know if I'll get to go back, but I would never go on a big trip anywhere else.  I would choose Israel first!  I know the second trip would be just as wonderful - even though it's hard to imagine a better guide, special guides, or bus driver.

So we came home and got caught back up in life pretty quickly.  And things were going on that I did not know about.  And then the COVID-19 came and is still here.  I still work three days a week at the Peds office.  I still clean at a church and just spring clean in place of things I don't clean while we don't have church.  I help sometimes pack the meals to be delivered twice a week to church and community members.  I had to cancel our Easter Egg Hunt but sent our gifts and prizes to another place for children to have before Easter.  I've had the hardest time not seeing baby Emma as she grows faster and faster.  And I've been sad for the weddings that have been "changed" by some of my favorite young people.  I miss Peter in Charlotte.  I miss so many.  But in some ways, this unexpected change has been a break.  It's been a time to spend more time with Sam and his school work.  We walk/run some days and get to talk and work on his running form.  We've worked on some things that are always on the back burner.  We finally got the training and code to update his insulin pump. 

It's been a time to stop and look back.  I don't want to lose that special feeling that I had in Israel.  I don't want to forget how Allison talked about her Savior Jesus, who is my Savior too.  I don't want to forget the horrible imaginings of what Jesus endured for me.  I want to be bold like the Peter who taught about Jesus until his last day.  I want to be strong and courageous like Joshua at Jericho.  And while I am always busy during this time it seems, it has been a good little break in the midst of the unknown.  It's so stressful for some because of their jobs or because they cannot work or open their businesses.  So I pray a lot for our country.  And I pray God will show me when and what I need to do.  Because no matter how hard it gets, God is still in control.  He is still with us.  And He wants us to turn to Him.  What a load off my shoulders that is.

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."  I Peter 5:7

Merry Christmas ~ 2019

Sam and I just got back from little Emma Kate's baby dedication in Abingdon.  It was beautiful and special, and we were so happy and thankful to be there.  We got to see lots of people we missed on Thanksgiving - because Sam ended up sick at school on that Wednesday!  You cannot be around new babies and older people when you throw up and have a fever!  So Pete went one way with his mom to Winston on Thanksgiving Day.  The older boys went the other way to Bristol.  And Sam and I stayed home.  I needed to be around family and had looked forward to Thanksgiving for months.  We were going to Bristol - all of us - and then were going to host Pete's family on Friday.  When those plans fell apart, Pete told me to go on to Bristol, and he would take his mom to Winston with his family.  I did not want to be separated again for the third year, but I agreed.  Then Sam got sick...

It took until that Wednesday evening to start getting him back on track, trying to miss the ER and fluids to get his blood sugar back under control.  Then at 10:00 pm, he turned around; but we knew we could not go to Bristol.  I appreciated those who called to check on me and to remind me that there is a lot to say for solitude.  And there is.  I am one who needs time alone.  And I rarely get it right now.  So I cried a little with disappointment, but then I set Sam up with Christmas movies and cleaned my white kitchen cabinets inside and out for most of the day.  God used that task to keep me busy and occupied.  I also scrubbed the baseboards and wood floors.  I was tired at the end of the day, but I did not sit home and cry!  And so today was so much sweeter, because I got to see most of the same people and hold little Emma.  As a bonus, I got to hold Buddy, Luke's new Beagle puppy, who is adorable.  That family cannot handle much more cuteness!  Babies and puppies are good for people like me!  (And P.S.  I did go the day after Thanksgiving and got to hold Emma a lot!)

In his sermon today, Stan talked about the Christmas story and peace.  His message was from Luke, but he also talked about the peace that only comes from Jesus.  He asked if there was ever a time when we realized we sinned - whatever sin it is - and we needed a Savior.  We can repent of that sin and accept the gift of salvation that only God can give through His Son Jesus.  What a glorious and wondrous time we celebrate at Christmas!  We celebrate the birth of our one and only Savior of the World.  I am so thankful to know Him!  I pray that all of my family and friends will realize the simple truth that we all sin (Romans 3:23), we are all separated from God because of one sin (Romans 6:23), and Jesus is that only bridge back to God (John 3:16, John 14:6)!  We sure don't want to stand alone without Jesus when we have to answer for our sins.  I pray that for people I don't know!  And I pray that those of us who know it will SHARE it (Mark 16:15)!

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We are sending Christmas cards, but they will be late!!!!  It's beyond my control, so I am sending them when I can!  We love getting Christmas cards and thanks to those who send them to us.  And for those who don't, we totally understand!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Andrew can drive again tomorrow!  He's had one seizure since surgery.  We are hoping he will get on a good schedule soon, and that it will help.  He has worked physically hard for many months saving money to go back to school.  And he has been too exhausted to even run - and running helps keep him even.  He also takes way too much medication, and I hope his neurologist at Duke will work on that harder in the near future.  He still needs lots of prayers.  So please don't stop.  I keep handing him over to God.  It's all I can do.  And the more I realize that, the more peace I have.  He will be 26 next week, so he is in charge of his medical stuff.  I am his "consultant" and have taken a back seat.  We did have a great visit to his immunologist/infectious disease doctor the other week, where he acknowledged how hard he has been on his body the past several months, with his work and schedule.  So that's a start!  I hope he will realize his life will have to have good balance, starting with his time with God.  And I pray that same thing for all of my boys.

The other boys are good.  One will be home soon.  One will drive again soon too (long story, but God works in bad circumstances I have seen firsthand) and works really hard every day with great bosses.  And another needs to be reading better before he can drive, but we are working on that!  He is doing better with his new diabetes pump, and I would rather have learning disabilities with brain problems instead of seizures for him.  God is showing me the good in all of the seeming "bad" situations.  If it were up to me, I would probably (foolishly) try to choose an easier path, but I would not trade these boys for anything.  At least they have a mom who prays for them constantly, and they know I have limits ~ which will help them see even better how God works!  I want them to see parents who pray for them and keep handing them to God, the One who loves them the most.

I look at all my "lists" of things I can (and do - sorry to say) worry about.  And I cannot check anything off!!!!  So I know part of what I am learning is to give it to God.  Not check off the lists but to give it to Him and keep on going.  I learn every single day.  And I fail and worry every day too.  I am telling you, because maybe you feel the same.  It used to be Christmas letters that could make some of us feel so inadequate and like failures.  And I know I have written things in a way to "show" certain people that they did not bother me with all of their information!  Duh!  I would totally give away that it did indeed bother me!  Now Facebook can do it all year!  But we have to remember that we are in God's hand.  He hears us.  He loves us beyond what we can comprehend.  And we wonder where we went wrong or why everything has to be so hard or so difficult.  And I've learned, and still have to remind myself, that I need to be happy for others and then step away and look for the blessings I can see in my own life.  I can start with so many things - the first being Jesus.  Tonight I want to be at the Point of Grace Christmas concert with my family.  But I had to get home to be the evening sitter for Pete's mom.  And I told my sister-in-law as hard as they tried to work it out for me, it just wouldn't work out this time.  And I need to accept this is life right now.  But I do get to go to The Cove tomorrow and spend the night with some of the people I love the most.  And God did work that out.  For Andrew to be able to drive tomorrow and take care of Sarah.  And for Laura and Emma to take care of Sam with his diabetes AND new pump.  Sometimes there is not a good substitute that we can see right away, but I am seeing and thankful for this one!  I know so many have worse trials, and it's certainly not a contest.  But whatever we are in, we can give thanks; because God loves us, each and every one, and is working in each of our lives.  ("In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you"  1 Thessalonians 5:18) 

So take it from the person no one would trade places with 99% of the time ~ God is here.  He is working.  I just need to be still and listen and trust.  (“Be still, and know that I am God” Psalm 46:10) 

Another great verse that a friend sent me is Exodus 14:14 ~ "The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We wish you a Merry Christmas!  We hope you rest in the peace that can only come from knowing the one true Hope of the world ~ Jesus Christ!

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."   Romans 15:13

May Update for 2019

 "But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."  Isaiah 40:31



This has been my "go to" verse, since high school.  I thought I knew what it meant then, but now I know even more.  It's assurance.  It's encouragement.  It's telling me to be still more often - and wait on the Lord.  I tend to run ahead and try to figure it ALL out.  I want to make a way or at least know the way.  I get terrible headaches rolling things around in my head.  And I have had to work really hard to remember HE is in charge - not me.  I am not.  He is.  What wonderful news to remember.

I have not been able to write.  It is slowly coming back.  I have been in survival mode and trying to do all of the things I mentioned in March.  Now it's almost June, and I am still struggling to get by most days.  But God promised He would not leave me.  And I keep praying.  A lot.

Andrew continues to do well physically.  He is running and working and has not had any seizures!  We are well past the six month mark!  He is still looking at grad school in the fall and continues to plan.  I have stepped way back and try not to help unless he asks me.  I don't think I have been an overbearing mother, but he had to depend on me longer than most; so he is enjoying his independence, and I am getting used to it.  I pray for him more than ever - really, for all my boys.

Peter and Will continue to work.  We don't see either of them nearly enough, even though Will still lives here, but we have fun when we are together.  And I love and appreciate them more than they know.  Right now, Peter is fun but a voice of reason and understanding to me.  And Will is mostly fun and comic relief when I really really need it.  

Sam graduates soon from Hardin Park.  He has grown even more, since I posted in March.  We were able to go to Disney World and Sea World on a short trip a few weeks ago.  It all started when Cindy wanted to take Karen to Sea World on a special vacation (I know some of you don't know who these family and friends are, but that is okay!).  I told her I was in if we could go to Disney World too - since I wanted to take Sam - and she and Karen worked there in college.  So we added Whitney (and tried to add another, but she could not go!) and took off!  We pooled all of our gift cards, bonus points, and birthday money and had a very wonderful few days for a very little cost.  The resort where we stayed could not have been nicer - the people and the place.  We had a wheelchair, and people could not have been more accommodating.  I would have handed out a hundred awards for people who helped us in so many ways at the parks, gas stations, restaurants, etc.  And I would have only given out two or three complaints.  Sam was a huge help, and he had a wonderful time, despite some diabetes issues.  We had help from our own doctor and nurse and friends.  God provides even when things we think are in place fail.  And really, it gives us a chance to see Him work.  He has done it for my family in many ways that I've seen and tons more that I haven't.

We have continued to help my parents with their downsizing.  It's so wonderful to lighten the load.  And I continue to do that, even though it's taking forever it seems, at my own home.  Their home has had quite a few things changed - floors, walls, etc.  And I was quite insistent that they needed an island in their kitchen.  It came last week, and it looks beautiful and will make storage so much easier for my mom.  I'm so glad they listened to my idea!  That was my only one.  But one level living is so much easier on both of them, and we are thankful they are settling in well.

Pete is preaching a revival tonight.  And I am still at home writing this.  I'll have to tell him how James does on Jeopardy!  We have wonderful help coming to our home almost every day now - except for Fridays and Sundays.  It has been such a blessing to have help with Sarah - for her too.  We are still just trying to keep things safe and calm.  And one night, I could not get two of the boys where they needed to be and be at home.  And that night we found out we cannot be gone - just like that everything changed again.  So we are so very thankful for those who recommended extra special help.  And we are getting more soon, as things get worse.  I don't go to church very often at all, and I was offered a name tag not long ago.  But I did get to go at Easter and Mother's Day.  And it's no fun, when that's the only time you can go!

So I was thinking about people who only go at Christmas and Easter but COULD go the rest of the time but choose not to.  It's easy to find things to do on Sunday morning.  It's like bonus time!  But I also feel very depleted, because I don't have what I get at church.  It's more than the singing.  It's more than the sermon or the interaction with others.  It's ALL of of it.  And I cannot wait to get back.  We are praying about it, because I don't want someone else to have to miss so that I can go.  So I listened to Greg Laurie this week during church time.

This is a quick - but not short - update.  I feel the burden lifting some, and I think that is why I could write.  I have talked to God a lot about my burdens, and I am having trouble just laying some down.  And I know He knows.  And the home situation is wearing at best.  And I can see where He is working in all of that.  

I will update again, but we appreciate all of those who pray for our family.  And I wanted you to know we are still here and praising Him still.  We praise Him for who He is AND for all He has done.  And that "all"  should be ALL ~ because giving us salvation through Jesus Christ was enough.  And He still walks with us in our time here.  I hope in all of the real struggles I share, that I make it clear that He is always here and always provides.  I can do nothing without Him.  And I want others to see that He is there to help them too.  And then maybe they will accept His gift of salvation through Jesus. 

Pete said that God has laid it on his heart to preach the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  Jesus came as a man, lived a perfect and sinless life, died on the cross for our sins, and ROSE from the dead.  That is the Gospel - the good news, the best news ever.  All we have to do is believe it and accept the gift.

We can accept His gift of salvation by believing that we sinned and are in need of a Savior; and Jesus is the ONLY One who can save us.  I hope you have found forgiveness and peace in Jesus.  It's the only way I get through.  I still have a tough time, because I live in a fallen world.  But no matter what, I have the hope that only comes in knowing Jesus.

Thanks for reading.  And thanks for praying for our family. 

In the midst of the chaos, He is right here.

Joshua 1:9 New International Version (NIV)

9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

I am redoing a room upstairs for Sam.  And it will have a Joshua 1:9 theme.  Sam has grown about a foot - just a few inches shorter than his Aunt Whitney, as of yesterday.  He may have passed her today!  We are getting rid of "younger" things and making a peaceful room that will, hopefully, give him a sort of refuge.  He has left his room and bathroom downstairs to Sarah, his grandmother, and now shares my bathroom - preferring it to the one his brothers share. One day, he will understand how something so easy for him to give up was actually very unselfish and made the whole transition much easier.  This mother has moved several rooms of furniture into a home that was pretty full, and I hope to have the excess gone and everything else put up soon.  It's time.

We quote Joshua 1:9 in relation to diabetes.  The 24/7 member of our family that we wish was not here.  We wish it had never invaded our days and nights and schedules and plans - and everything else.  Sam has a CGM now - he got it in October.  He has a new insulin and a new endocrinologist.  His retired, and the new one was not good.  So we just got a new doctor.  And we both really like him, and Sam is doing much better with his numbers after one visit.  He is running some, growing a ton, and getting ready for high school next year - eek!  His getting ready is more difficult than most.  We have to plan for special help, work around his reading classes at ASU, and make sure he is comfortable in the high school his brothers attended not long ago.  He is running middle school track.  The first few practices were nothing less than painful - physically for him - but also for me to watch him with so many children who ignored him.  It's hard.  But he has really been hanging in there and not asking to miss practice.  I am so thankful for his attitude and that the other day he allowed me to walk with him at the high school during warm up instead of him walking alone...again.  And I talked the whole time and told stories, and he laughed.  His blood sugar was too high or too low, and I had told his coach I was waiting to see what he needed anyway.  So with his diabetes and learning disabilities and social difficulties right now, he is doing remarkably well.  And I am thankful God shows me things and encourages me.

When Sam graduates in June, we will end our time at Hardin Park.  Andrew started there in 1999.  20 years.  Lots of great memories.  Lots of challenges.  I will miss the school.  I will miss a lot of people there.  But it will be time to move on; and, for Sam's sake, I am ready.  I am ready for Sam to be in a new place (as big and scary as our one high school can be) and to grow and flourish.  His difficulties will be used in his life somehow, I am sure.  It's been hard not to be able to drop him off and let him go and do his work.  It's been hard to go to meetings and leave feeling so discouraged and biting the inside of my cheek so I would not cry.  It's been hard to watch friends abandon him.  But God will use all of that.  I would not trade him for anything and constantly pray for him.  He is the sweetest, most thoughtful young man.  He is quiet and shy, but he is so funny and loving at home.  He sees things most of us miss.  And he helps me before I have realized I need his help.  When I start to wish things were different, I remember that MRI that shows some things that should not be there.  And I am so very thankful it affects his learning and has not yet caused seizures.

Which brings us to Andrew.  He just got his license back!  After almost two years!  He has had to not drive before, but it has never been this long.  He has his car registered (as his truck was destroyed in a wreck with his dad in April) and his insurance and is ready to go.  And has already gone.  To Bristol.  To church.  To work.  To hike.  Out to eat.  We are so tickled for him.  We hope this will take away some of the closed in feelings he's had since last year.  To be so limited and then to stay in that tiny little room for two weeks (the length of which may or may not have been partially a medication oversight by Duke) would be enough to push anyone over the edge - especially one taking so much medication.  He seems more and more himself.  No seizures.  He is working 40 hours a week at ASU in food services and hopes to hear from graduate school soon.  He is ready to get out and do things, and I pray for him constantly too and have started a couple of Rubbermaid boxes with bedding and towels and extra kitchen things.  I know it will be hard not having him around (because he's always been one of my favorite people), but I would not wish for him to stay with us; especially when he is 25 and wants to get out on his own.  

Peter is out on his own still, in Charlotte.  He does not call every day, but he takes time to call me and Sam a few times a week.  He works hard and has been helping Julianna some with her dog Rigby during tax season.  We miss him, but we are happy he is working hard and being helpful.  I will never ever forget the time he spent with me taking care of Pop during his last week of life last February.  Peter stepped up and did whatever needed to be done - and did it lovingly and well.  One of my favorite things Pop said that week was, "Get Peter over here to do it.  He'll do it right."  Pop was trying to sound gruff, but he gave Peter a high compliment.  And Peter will never forget that time he spent and how God helped him do whatever needed to be done.  He would gently pull the velcro on Pop's neck brace, so Pop would feel some relief - even though he did not move the brace.  When he comes home, we are all excited to see him, especially the dogs who can barely contain their excitement.  

Will is home and works with Solid Ground Grading still.  He has had some challenges this year too.  But he has taken responsibility in certain places and not whined or blamed things on others.  And that shows a lot!  He went with us to visit Grandmother before she died in October.  She loved that he reminded her so much of her brothers.  He saved the day on her funeral day by bringing Sam's extra insulin pen that we had somehow left earlier without.  He also was there, with his brothers and cousins and uncle, to carry Grandmother's casket at her funeral.  She would have loved to have seen that.  Will sleeps in the big bed that Pop made, patterned after a Restoration Hardware bed.  His room is huge, and the queen bed fits in there easily.  I hope one day that he will have the patience to try to build some furniture.  I know he could do it - if he wanted!

Pete and I appreciate all of our friends and family and helpers.  We appreciate our church family and friends.  It's been a tough bit, and we have had people help in ways we could not have imagined.  We have also had to team up and help each other through what I call "the complaint department" ~ which he is better at managing than I am.  It was so hard to be away from home stuck in a hospital with some pretty serious stuff and continue to manage that department.  And we have had to have some little talks to get back on track and not get bogged down in feeling left out or let down or discouraged.  We can only really count on God.  And of course it hurts when someone lets us down or hurts our feelings, especially when we are in a storm.  But it's also something that brings us closer to God, our constant, the One Who never changes.  And Pete always reminds me that we have done the same to our friends and loved ones, even if we did not realize it.  I pray I have grown more in this area and don't dwell on things too long.  Things that don't really matter in the long run.

Pete takes care of his mom and takes her to Winston every Friday to eat lunch with Meg and, sometimes, Charlie.  Sparing details, she is much worse but is safe and probably the calmest she can be right now with him (us).  She does not know Pete is her son, but she knows he is always around and helps her with whatever.  But I cannot count the times that he tells her to "ask Meg" who handles most of her affairs.  I still don't thing we will be able to truly grieve for Pop until later.  Maybe others in our situation understand.  So we pray a lot.  Because it's just hard.

Next February, we are planning on a Holy Land Tour.  We have several people signed up and a few more coming on board.  We hope to have 25-30 in our group.  A smaller group would be fine, but Pete has worked so hard to get the cost down as cheap as he could get it that he would love more people to be able to go.  I am so excited to go walk where Jesus walked.  

We have lots going on in our extended family and with our friends.  This looks to be an exciting year.  We look back on last year and see how tough it was.  And this year has already had some challenges.  But we are still able to laugh - only because we know we can turn it all over to God.  Oh, I have to turn it all over again and again.  I know it's not as easy as it sounds!  But I know God is with me.  He does not want me to fear but to charge ahead knowing He is with me wherever I go.  That brings such comfort.

And as I have felt so bogged down by life and some of its heavy and dark and depressing weights, I have tried to climb out of the dark by reading and studying my Bible more.  And I am behind.  But I know the days I read are better days.  I pray constantly.  Being still and reading and having that quiet time is hard for me right now.  But I keep trying.  And there is nothing like it.  Sometimes it's best at 2:00 am with low blood sugars and alarms going off (what did we do without the CGM???).  Sometimes it's best on a Sunday afternoon.  But any day with special quiet time with the Lord is a much better day.  

I've also felt such a burden for lost people.  We watched American Gospel, Christ Alone at church.  It's a little over two hours, and you can rent it on a lot of sites for $4.99.  There is a lot of "stuff" out there that is not the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  It's not just ~ Jesus loves you, so live however you want.  NO!  It's that Jesus loves us so much that He died for our sins.  If we don't need to repent of our sins to make a way back to God, why did He have to die???  That Jesus is God, lived as a sinless man on this earth, went to a cross to die for ALL of our sins, and then He rose from the grave.  That is the Gospel.  And I feel such a burden to share it.  We have ways at church that we share.  And we have some great events coming up.  But I pray for people all of the time, individually and collectively, that they will hear the truth and be saved.  I am so grateful that Jesus died for me.  And that is enough.  BUT, He cares about all of the above, and that makes life so much different.  Because a life full of difficulties can also be a life full of Hope ~ that's only found in Jesus.  And what He did.  

I pray for our country, our leaders and their families, our military men and women and their families, and lots more every day on our way to school in the car.  I know a lot of our problems right now stem from untruths.  It's hard to watch.  And it's hard to be silent.  But I hope that God will help me be still until it is time to speak up.  I try to pray instead of responding to people or even starting something in anger.  And sometimes I fail.  But praying is one of the best, most effective, and, sometimes, only things I can do.  So I do it.

Thanks for reading this.  I will end with a Mercy Me song.  Best News Ever.

"Best News Ever"  Mercy Me

Some say, "Don't give up"
And hope that your good is good enough
Head down, keep on working
If you can earn it, you deserve it
Some say, "Push on through"
After all, it's the least that you can do
But don't buy what they're selling
It couldn't be further from the truth

What if I were the one to tell you
That the fight's already been won
Well, I think your day's about to get better
What if I were the one to tell you
That the work's already been done
It's not good news
It's the best news ever

Some say, "Don't ask for help"
God helps the ones who help themselves
So press on, get it right
Otherwise, get left behind
Some say "He's keeping score"
"So try hard, then try a little more"
But hold up, if this were true
Explain to me what the cross is for!

What if I were the one to tell you
That the fight's already been won
Well, I think your day's about to get better
What if I were the one to tell you
That the work's already been done
It's not good news
It's the best news ever
Best news ever

So won't you, come
Come all you weary and you burdened
You heavy-laden and you hurting
For all of you with nothing left
Come and find rest!

What if I were the one to tell you
That the fight's already been won
Well, I think your day's about to get better
What if I were the one to tell you
That the work's already been done
It's not good news
It's the best news ever!
Best news ever...

It's not good news
It's the best news ever
Best news ever
It's not good news
It's the best news ever