A "Normal" Christmas

On Christmas Eve, my dad and I delivered gifts like we try to do every Christmas Eve.  Sometimes we are joined by my sister for at least part of our deliveries.  In the past, we have taken little people who did not want to be away from Mommy for a few hours.  But most of the time, it's my dad and me.  The one time each year that we spend time together delivering presents, visiting with dear people, and goofing off a little (and making pacts not to tell my mom some things that my dad always ends up telling her - like where we leave some presents when people are not home!).  This Christmas Eve was no exception.  This year, we delivered gifts in Abingdon - a first for us.  We got to see some of the decorations in downtown historic Abingdon which was a treat for me.  We were right near the old hospital where Andrew and Peter were born.  We went out in the country some but also got to see some of the beautiful historic homes.  If I don't move to Maine when I get older and become like Jessica Fletcher, I may just move to Abingdon and live near Main Street so I can walk to the Barter and the Martha Washington.

Anyway, as we delivered gifts, it struck me that this is a "normal" Christmas.  It was a little sad because we did not take gifts to some we went to last year.  They are celebrating their first Christmas in Heaven - so we are a little sad but they are not!  We took stuff to sick people.  We took gifts to people who no longer go out much.  We visited dear people, and I felt a little tear eyed at some because I was so thankful to get to see them and spend time with them.  No one in our family was sick or in the hospital, so my dad and I were free to deliver gifts and visit until time to spend time with our own family.

I thought of so many I know spending their first Christmas without loved ones for the first time.  And I know they must have wanted a "normal" Christmas.  They wanted one like so many others that maybe were even taken for granted just a little bit.  They wanted to be delivering gifts and visiting and feeling free to act silly with their closest family.

We had one of those Christmases 21 years ago.  I remember waking up so early hearing my brother-in-law Dwayne on the phone.  He and Whitney took off for Winston-Salem as fast as we could get them in my brother's car.  By the time we got to Winston a little bit after they did, our sweet little five week old Katelyn was gone to Heaven.  We made the long drive home and slept and it did not feel like Christmas.  We knew it was the day we celebrate Jesus' birth, and we did not forget that.  In fact, we were even closer to Him and more thankful than ever that little Katelyn was with Him.  We knew that.  But we did not feel like celebrating and opening gifts and being silly and funny.

The next day, I went to work with my dad at the family business while plans were being made for Katelyn's funeral.  It was hard to be there and not with them, but he needed me to help - there was no one else.  So I was helping where I could and remembered feeling so alone even with all of the sympathy and concern of friends and family.  It was just plain...hard.  And sad. 

I had to go do some errands to get ready for the funeral, and I ran into some friends who had not yet heard about Katelyn.  They talked of their fun and silly Christmas together as a family, and, for a moment, I felt a little envious.  I felt they had a "normal" Christmas, but none of our Christmases would ever be normal again.  That's how it felt.  And I felt so so empty.  I really needed to hold that baby.  But now she was not coming home at all but being buried.  And I would never ever hold her.  And that hurt.  It made my arms hurt.  I could only imagine how my sister and brother-in-law felt if that was the way I felt. 

Looking back, I can still feel that.  So I know what God has done.  He has blessed us beyond measure.  There will be more losses.  There will be more sadness.  But there is always HOPE.  So the hopelessness may be there for a while, but there is always hope.  Always.

We have had so many Christmases.  When Andrew was born a few days before Christmas, he had to stay in the hospital for a week.  When our families gathered for Christmas Eve, I was there with empty arms and had just gotten out of the hospital.  I remember feeling so bad and so sick.  Pete had to stop and get me some peanut butter to make a sandwich because that was all I wanted.  I had a new Peanuts sweatshirt to wear with my knit pants, and I can remember it like yesterday.  I even remember Pete running into the room where I was to tell me that my friend's husband just announced they were expecting.  That helped, but I was still afraid of my baby.  I was afraid of his seizures and medicine - just so afraid.  It was a hard Christmas, but we were all close to being together.  And I could go to the NICU to hold my precious baby.

Driving to see him not long after, I decided in the car that I was his mother; and God gave him to me to love and care for.  So I have tried to care for him, and I have loved him with my whole heart.  He just turned 19. 

So even if an ice storm keeps us at home on Christmas or we go away together as a family on a much-needed vacation getaway, a "normal" Christmas is one with family together.  And even though I have wished that my family could have more normal times when times are tough, I would not trade my story for another.  My story has all of the characters in it that I love - even that little Katelyn Elizabeth Ball.  The best part is that I will get to see her again.  Every day is one day closer. 

"Normal" does not a Christmas make.  Jesus makes Christmas.  And He has been with me through every single one.  He is the One Who matters. 

Merry Christmas 2012

Merry Christmas from the Vandenbergs 2012

Merry Christmas! We hope you all are well and have a wonderful Christmas celebrating Jesus’ birth and why He was born and what He did for all of us. God loves us so much that He gave his only begotten Son. (John 3:16) All we have to do is believe in Him and that He died for all of our sins ~ making a way to the Father for us. All we have to do is believe and accept that most precious gift of all! Christmas is one of the best times to remember and reflect on that Gift ~ for me.


We are thankful in our family for that Gift and the promises He has given. He has promised to be with us, and He is. In the good times and the bad, He is here. We may not understand the big picture, but we believe He is here all of the time. What a blessing that is ~ that hope.


We have had many changes this year. Pete has taken two trips to the Holy Land with his new job. I cannot imagine what it is like to be where Jesus was – to walk where He walked and sit where He sat. It would be amazing to see places we read about in the Bible. And he got to do it twice this year! From our point of view, it was scary to be there; but what he saw overshadowed any fear.


Andrew is a freshman at Appalachian. His plans changed at the last minute due to illness, but he is where he should be. It has been a blessing – from the people who helped him get where he needed to be to his professors, his advisor, his coaches, staff, and even ASU Police. His road is still far from easy, but he is flourishing; and we are so thankful for all of the people who help him and encourage him.


Peter is a senior and looking at colleges. He continues to be a big help to us in so many ways. He has battled some injuries, but he is determined to get back on track, literally. He works hard in school and is sweet and respectful. Those teenager hugs and thank you’s are a blessing from Peter!


Will is back on his bike after breaking a hand this summer at Rocky Knob – a new mountain bike park. He ran cross country and PR’d a few times and even won some small races. He is building a dog house, and I have a few things for him to do at home when he is ready!


Sam is doing well. His last endo appointment showed his a1c down a bit, and we are so thankful (and a little surprised!). He is getting more and more independent about checking his blood sugars and what to do when he is low. We hope he will feel good about giving himself shots in the next 2-3 years. He loves his brothers and likes to have one of his parents within earshot at all times. He had a low blood sugar scare one summer morning, and it threw us for a loop. But we look back and see how provisions were made before a scary situation when seconds counted. We also see clearly that God literally gives us extra hands when we need them to do what seems scary or impossible.


I have been learning that it’s okay to be where I am. It’s okay to be in a tough spot or a storm. And I am old enough to know they don’t, and won’t, last forever. I read something that said when we are at our weakest, we can see God’s work more clearly and His strength. Sometimes the bad things are not the worst things. I am still “learning to lean” and remembering to lean and not try to work everything out myself. It makes breathing much easier (when I do remember!).


So at the end of another year… Merry Christmas. We are one year closer to the best God has for us!


Still my favorite verse ~ “But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31

The good thing about being sick?

I am sick.  I got sick this weekend, and it has not gotten much better.  Usually I can just coast right through and maybe take a nap on the weekend or go to bed early during the week.  I try to save "sick" days for my boys.  I am not brave.  I am sometimes a wimp.  And sometimes I bring it on myself by not slowing down right when I should.  Sometimes I get myself in a bad way!

This weekend, I was going on a girls weekend.  We were going to Susan's fishing lodge on the river near Nashville.  On the way to Bristol to meet the girls, after cleaning up and packing as fast as I could, I got a really sick headache.  Then my ear stopped up.  On the way, I got so sick that I was having Whitney and Lisa dig through my pocketbook for medicine while Cindy drove.  They gave me ibuprofen and a Benadryl that they had.  We stopped to eat and give me a break.  I almost fell asleep eating a baked potato at Cracker Barrel!  Then, after assuring them I did not need to turn around, I fell asleep and felt better once I woke up and we were almost there. 

The next morning, my ear was still stopped up; but I got up and walked for over an hour up and down a gravel road on the property.  I covered up my ear and felt much better after a hot shower in that beautiful stone bathroom I like so much!  We kayaked for over 3 1/2 hours on the river, and I felt so peaceful and a little like I was on Survivor at the same time.  We pulled over to eat a delicious lunch of chicken salad croissants, chips, and soft drinks.  Everything tastes even better when you are outside and have worked up a good appetite doing something fun.  We even passed food to each other (eating in our kayaks) with our paddles!  That was really Survivor-like.  When we got back, we went and did a little Christmas shopping and passed a small town Christmas parade with the real Santa and Mrs. Claus.  Sometimes you can just tell when they are real.  We came back and ate a great dinner of grilled pork chops, baked potatoes, and corn.  Both nights, I slept great.  I did not hear a thing and trusted that Lisa would be the first to awaken me if anything went on (she did not sleep as deeply as some of us out there near the river!).

But coming back, it hit me again.  I felt so bad.  Bad turned to worse which has turned into two days at home!  I never do this!  But I have watched a movie I have wanted to watch for a long time - after sleeping through a few Murder, She Wrote episodes.

Sam took care of me yesterday.  He got an ice pack for my head.  He tucked me in on the couch.  He kissed my forehead and said, "Who do I love?  Who do I love?"  He also brought me his food and his insulin pen if he was hungry.  I got a couple of "I hope you feel better" comments last night and even a teenager kiss!  I got my medicine and something for dinner that cost a lot more at the grocery store near the pharmacy than what it would have cost at Walmart - from my dear husband. I have had calls and texts to check on me.   All of these are good things about being sick. 

Another good thing is to slow down and be able to think without doing many things at one time.  I put things on hold, because I cannot do them right now anyway.  So I have been able to think about things I am looking forward to and about things for which I am thankful.  They have brought tears this morning - letting me know for sure that I need more quiet time with Him. 

I have been so overwhelmed, and even anxious, for months.  I don't think I realized it until recently.  But I feel myself climbing out and being pulled out of yet another pit.  I am so thankful for that too.

So when I am sick, I need to remember it's not all bad.  I feel terrible.  I don't like the sick feelings and the headaches and all that comes with it, but there are some good things too.  For those things, I am so very thankful.  What a great time, right before Christmas, to be reminded and assured and reassured.