A "Normal" Christmas

On Christmas Eve, my dad and I delivered gifts like we try to do every Christmas Eve.  Sometimes we are joined by my sister for at least part of our deliveries.  In the past, we have taken little people who did not want to be away from Mommy for a few hours.  But most of the time, it's my dad and me.  The one time each year that we spend time together delivering presents, visiting with dear people, and goofing off a little (and making pacts not to tell my mom some things that my dad always ends up telling her - like where we leave some presents when people are not home!).  This Christmas Eve was no exception.  This year, we delivered gifts in Abingdon - a first for us.  We got to see some of the decorations in downtown historic Abingdon which was a treat for me.  We were right near the old hospital where Andrew and Peter were born.  We went out in the country some but also got to see some of the beautiful historic homes.  If I don't move to Maine when I get older and become like Jessica Fletcher, I may just move to Abingdon and live near Main Street so I can walk to the Barter and the Martha Washington.

Anyway, as we delivered gifts, it struck me that this is a "normal" Christmas.  It was a little sad because we did not take gifts to some we went to last year.  They are celebrating their first Christmas in Heaven - so we are a little sad but they are not!  We took stuff to sick people.  We took gifts to people who no longer go out much.  We visited dear people, and I felt a little tear eyed at some because I was so thankful to get to see them and spend time with them.  No one in our family was sick or in the hospital, so my dad and I were free to deliver gifts and visit until time to spend time with our own family.

I thought of so many I know spending their first Christmas without loved ones for the first time.  And I know they must have wanted a "normal" Christmas.  They wanted one like so many others that maybe were even taken for granted just a little bit.  They wanted to be delivering gifts and visiting and feeling free to act silly with their closest family.

We had one of those Christmases 21 years ago.  I remember waking up so early hearing my brother-in-law Dwayne on the phone.  He and Whitney took off for Winston-Salem as fast as we could get them in my brother's car.  By the time we got to Winston a little bit after they did, our sweet little five week old Katelyn was gone to Heaven.  We made the long drive home and slept and it did not feel like Christmas.  We knew it was the day we celebrate Jesus' birth, and we did not forget that.  In fact, we were even closer to Him and more thankful than ever that little Katelyn was with Him.  We knew that.  But we did not feel like celebrating and opening gifts and being silly and funny.

The next day, I went to work with my dad at the family business while plans were being made for Katelyn's funeral.  It was hard to be there and not with them, but he needed me to help - there was no one else.  So I was helping where I could and remembered feeling so alone even with all of the sympathy and concern of friends and family.  It was just plain...hard.  And sad. 

I had to go do some errands to get ready for the funeral, and I ran into some friends who had not yet heard about Katelyn.  They talked of their fun and silly Christmas together as a family, and, for a moment, I felt a little envious.  I felt they had a "normal" Christmas, but none of our Christmases would ever be normal again.  That's how it felt.  And I felt so so empty.  I really needed to hold that baby.  But now she was not coming home at all but being buried.  And I would never ever hold her.  And that hurt.  It made my arms hurt.  I could only imagine how my sister and brother-in-law felt if that was the way I felt. 

Looking back, I can still feel that.  So I know what God has done.  He has blessed us beyond measure.  There will be more losses.  There will be more sadness.  But there is always HOPE.  So the hopelessness may be there for a while, but there is always hope.  Always.

We have had so many Christmases.  When Andrew was born a few days before Christmas, he had to stay in the hospital for a week.  When our families gathered for Christmas Eve, I was there with empty arms and had just gotten out of the hospital.  I remember feeling so bad and so sick.  Pete had to stop and get me some peanut butter to make a sandwich because that was all I wanted.  I had a new Peanuts sweatshirt to wear with my knit pants, and I can remember it like yesterday.  I even remember Pete running into the room where I was to tell me that my friend's husband just announced they were expecting.  That helped, but I was still afraid of my baby.  I was afraid of his seizures and medicine - just so afraid.  It was a hard Christmas, but we were all close to being together.  And I could go to the NICU to hold my precious baby.

Driving to see him not long after, I decided in the car that I was his mother; and God gave him to me to love and care for.  So I have tried to care for him, and I have loved him with my whole heart.  He just turned 19. 

So even if an ice storm keeps us at home on Christmas or we go away together as a family on a much-needed vacation getaway, a "normal" Christmas is one with family together.  And even though I have wished that my family could have more normal times when times are tough, I would not trade my story for another.  My story has all of the characters in it that I love - even that little Katelyn Elizabeth Ball.  The best part is that I will get to see her again.  Every day is one day closer. 

"Normal" does not a Christmas make.  Jesus makes Christmas.  And He has been with me through every single one.  He is the One Who matters.