We HOPE

This has been a rough week.  Really really rough.  Pete spoke last night in the Wednesday night Bible study at church.  I told him in the car that he could have helped my week if he had practiced on me earlier in the week ~ I needed to hear what he was sharing!  He talked about the ONE name above all names.  And the ONE person who can save us.  He told some funny stories to illustrate, but he spoke from Philippians and reminded us to give our burdens over to Him.

Monday night was one of those bad nights.  Andrew had a short but terrible seizure.  He was so locked up that he trembled badly coming out of everything.  When he is lying there not able to yet move, but his eyes are looking at me telling me he is okay, I am relieved but trying to figure it all out.  I am thankful yet dreading another time?  When will it end?  Will it?  Will he be okay?  Will he have a seizure at night and get sick and die without me waking up?

One time I shared that I was nudged awake.  I was.  I have NO doubts.  And I know Who nudged me.  I have felt fear, frustration, despair, and many other things over this.  I dread seeing my phone light up when Andrew is away from me (which is a lot).  Is he okay?  Is someone calling from the college or the track meet again?

I try not to baby him.  But we drive him around when we need to.  We turn up the ringers on our phones some days and hope they don't ring with an emergency.  I have hovered around buildings on campus waiting for him just in case.

We take him to doctors.  We get his medicine - even if we have to fight or beg for it.  And most of all, we love him.  We are his biggest fans and supporters - his family.  We cheer him on.  We are proud of him.  We are inspired by him.  We enjoy being around him.  We love laughing with him.

Yet...he scares me so badly sometimes I am not sure if I can take any more.  That is this week.  I had a tough night with Andrew in a lot of ways.  He had the seizure.  I felt the effects.  I hated the seizure.  I was scared that 911 would  not send someone in time.  I was afraid he may have another.  I did not sleep that well on the couch.  Instead of waking up feeling better and thankful, I woke up the next morning crying.  Uh oh.  That was not good.  I felt defeated and sad - in a lot of ways.

I have prayed.  Others have prayed.  Pete and I prayed over Andrew after the trauma passed that night.  But the dread had set in again.  I hated that Sam sat on the couch not moving while EMS came into our home to check on Andrew.  I could not seem to stand any of it.  And have no doubts, we prayed a lot, loudly, while all of this was going on.

My nerves felt shot.  We all get to that point when we feel we have been put through the wringer.  I told Pete that the least little thing seemed huge.  I felt so weary.  I wanted to crawl in a hole and only let a few people get close.  I just felt detached even though I knew better.

That was a lot for Tuesday.  Then Wednesday I woke up not crying but with an idea.  The idea that I thought maybe we could try this summer started tonight.  Andrew saw his neurologist today - even when he did not have an appointment yesterday morning.  It went so fast.  The doctors I talked with were on board and thought the idea was reasonable.  The negative is that if it does not work, options are running out.  But I cannot dwell on that right now.  I am too busy praying this will work.

Sometimes I get answers correct on Jeopardy because I don't have more information on a subject to confuse me.  So it's the answer I know, or I don't know the answer (not a clue).  I told Andrew's doctor that my limited knowledge made things simpler for me sometimes - even in his complex medical conditions.  That is why I understood the idea that did NOT come from me.  God sent it. I know He did.  He worked it out.  I had this idea over two years ago.  I did not think it up myself then either.  And I was so upset this week that I would not have remembered easily - I was trying to take a break from thinking too much or too hard.  So the idea replaced the tears of the day before.

Andrew started a third medication tonight.  He will take it for a few weeks.  We will do some labs and hopefully start taking away the other medicine.  We need TWO big things.  We need his liver to be okay.  And we need this old drug that we stopped using when he was in the 6th grade to control his seizures.  That is the simple part.

With all of his health issues, who knows why anything happens.  He does not follow a textbook case in anything he has.  So this is a good time for him to take something unlikely to work and let it work anyway.

Tough week.  But it's a week when I have felt my arms being held up to keep the waters from overflowing.  Maybe this week was harder so I would listen to the idea whispered in my ear.  Maybe being brought down allowed me to be still.

Thanks for praying for Andrew.  Please keep on.  We HOPE and pray this will work.