I love looking at pictures of college drop offs. I love seeing the transformed rooms. And I remember how I felt when I was dropped off. The first day was hard, but it got easier as new friendships were made and new independence was found. Pete remembers too, and we laugh because we both cried when our parents left! I tell him (even though he did not know me yet!) that he should have called, and we would have cried together.
I always dreaded thinking of college drop off for my boys! I knew I wanted to have the kind of relationship with them that they always knew they were welcome at home! I have tried to make sure they know when they grow up and out that we want them to visit often!
But that's not how it has worked out.
Andrew went to talk to a school about 1 1/2 hours away with Pete. He was so excited that they wanted him to run and would give him a scholarship. The scholarships, athletic and academic, would help; but the school was very expensive. But Pete was determined he could go wherever he wanted, because he'd worked so hard. And he said we'd find a way to pay for it.
I was the one who took him to orientation and got a completely different feel from the feeling they described. I could not shake it and remember talking to the "very animated during the presentation" school leaders about a couple of concerns about Andrew's safety while in a residence hall. I felt like I got the eye roll and looks to each other of "helicopter mom" which I totally did not appreciate. So I kept praying for peace about it, but peace would not come. I tried to chalk it up to lack of faith or just ongoing concern I've always had for Andrew and his health.
We shopped for his college stuff. He's a minimalist, so it did not take long! We found a great Tommy Hilfiger preppy comforter set and cotton sheets at TJ Maxx. We got some navy blue towels and wash cloths at Walmart. We bought a few dishes and a plastic box to put under his bed. And I think we were done!!! I wanted to enjoy picking those things out. But I could not get peace.
One night, about a month before he was to leave, Andrew had a terrible seizure. It was one of the worst, and we sat at the kitchen island late into the night after he needed to get up and get something to drink. And we talked. And he told me he was afraid. He was afraid something would happen, and no one would be there to help him. He had never talked like that before.
And there was the email from my aunt. My aunt can tell you what she thinks, but she had never really told me what she thought I should do about anything! But she sent an email and told me that sometimes when we are trying to follow what God wants us to do and have faith, that we are missing His direction. The reason I could not have peace was not because I was overprotective. It was because Andrew was not supposed to go there!
But Andrew did have to decide. And he did. And fast forward to Plan B. Plan B was the best plan all along, and God knew it.
Andrew has been able to run at Appalachian most of five years - figuring in some injured seasons. He joined his dad as an all conference cross country runner - the first father-son duo to do that. And he did it in the very difficult Sun Belt Conference - had one of the best races of his life at the best time! He was coached by coaches who knew him from birth and knew us since college. He won The Bear in 2015 which is organized by his coaches and people who work with him at school. He has had professors who have watched him grow up. My friends have observed him over the years and reported back to me things that other parents would never find out (nothing private!) - because their children didn't get to go to school with friends and family. I know some do, but Andrew's experience has been so unique. Even more than Peter's who goes to Appalachian too. Because (good for Peter but not for Andrew) some people remember Andrew because of his struggles. But they have also had a front seat to those successes that come. And they cheer him on, because they are not luck or flukes. They are the work of the Lord in Andrew's life. He has done things he should never have been able to do.
When Andrew first went to Dr. Patel in Charlotte and found out his immune system was pretty much null and void, he was going about his everyday life. And he should not have been able to live like that! His numbers were so low he should have been in a hospital! He is a walking/running miracle!
Andrew never moved in the residence hall at Appalachian. He had to live at home. Thankfully, we all like living with each other! He is a joy to have around, and we appreciate his help. For him, we know he does not want to live with us forever but doesn't seem to mind it right now!
Sometimes I feel a little twinge when I see the pictures. And I wish Andrew could have moved into whatever residence hall and whatever college he wanted. But he would never change his time at Appalachian, so it's easy to accept and be thankful. Now, we want him to be able to move into his own place at some point soon and be independent. That's why we are helping him pursue this neurological testing. And if that does not work out, the seizure alert dog and tiny house in the backyard are on the list of things to check on.
But maybe you feel that twinge too. Maybe your child did not get into college. Maybe they procrastinated or did not work hard in high school. Maybe they have left home to be independent a little too early. Maybe they will never have a chance to live away from you because of other reasons.
God knows. He knows how you feel. And you can feel overwhelmed and wonder why your life or your child's life could not be easier.
And it doesn't have to be college! I wish with all my heart that I could drop off my seventh grader and trust that he could read directions and would be able to do his homework and assignments and be successful and love school. But he cannot read! And he is almost 13! And though we are working on that with ASU and making progress, it is so painfully slow when I keep seeing 13 next week. And high school is looming. And parents lament their children going to high school, and a panic rises up in me; because my own child is no where ready. And I have stop and pray about it. I have prayed for this ever since Sam was four, and I knew something was wrong. And I was put off a lot - by everyone. So here we are. And I am his mother. So no matter who put me off or misdirected me, I am the one (Pete too) who wants him to read and be able to "do school" normally.
So drop off at middle school will be hard. It's hard to sit in a meeting with people wondering out loud what Sam will be able to do. Will he drive? Ever live alone? I am wondering how they see him! And that panic rises again. And I have to bite my lip not to cry and pray even more.
Or maybe your child dropped out of school. I had one who did - twice. And I can be ashamed and think I did not do a good enough job when Satan was sneaking around and got by me. But that child would not have had a mother who prayed more for him. And God helped him get his diploma. It took a lot of help from a very select group of people. But it happened. And it was all God. And looking back, school was not easy for him a lot. And college was not something he wanted. And so now praying he will be a good, responsible worker in whatever he chooses is what I pray. If he had moved into a residence hall, they would have sent him home after he moved some walls around and drove his truck around campus too loudly.
God knows what we want and hope for our children. We just have to pray our children find the way God has for them - the best way. And not all of those ways look the same.
I appreciate so much when someone compliments one of my boys. I have had times when I was convinced that people went out of their way to make sure that I knew my boys were not perfect. And I heard other children praised and getting awards and wondered if I was good enough as a mother. But it's not about other people and their praise and approval. It's about God. So if my child did not get recognized for something, God will let me know (somehow) if they did something responsible or tenderhearted or thoughtful or Christ-like. And those things are most important to me.
I look at young people who struggle in other families. Some of them have all of the support they need, and they struggle. And I pray for them. And I know their parents wonder what happened too. So the only thing I can be sure of to tell them is that God knows. He knows. I don't have answers but must trust that these young people will be ready to answer God's call when it comes ~ some because of their experiences and some in spite of them.
As school starts tomorrow, Sam and I will pick up our morning prayers on the way to school. We have been thrilled to hear from a couple of people we have prayed for for so long. They told us in one way or another that they felt those prayers. We always pray for the missing student from ASU and hope he is found soon. We count it a privilege to pray.
I did get to take one child to college, Peter. We got his few things ready, and he moved in one day without us! It worked out for him that he moved into his dad's old residence hall at a non-busy time. And just like that, it was done! So God let me have that one "normal" drop off. And I did not seem to miss much, because Peter certainly did not need me! He knew we were here, and that was enough for Peter.
I find myself praying harder and more often for my boys every day. And I prayed a lot before. Each has a lot going on. And it's overwhelming. And I pray for others too. I have a heart to pray for young people. Life is tough, and I pray for God to give them what they need. And then I try to keep my eyes and ears open for those opportunities to be an encouragement or a light or a voice of truth to them. I want to be salt and light in a world full of junk cleverly disguised as something else that a lot of times seems good. I pray I don't miss those opportunities while doing something else - like thinking too much of myself or how hard things can be.
I leave with the words to one song I love. A high school friend posted this on Facebook a year or two ago. I want my children to know I pray and love them and that God is their constant, not me. And a favorite verse, because God is not a mean father waiting for us to mess up. He wants what is best for us. And He loves our children even more than we do.
"
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
"When I Leave the Room" Natalie Grant
Good night
Looks like we made it through the day
The moon sighs
And I know that we're okay
Sleep tight
I love to watch you drift away
I would come with you but on my knees I'll stay
Good night
Five little fingers holding mine
Take flight
Into your dreams and lullabies
There's nothing more that I can do
But just fall more in love with you
And ask the angel armies to stand by
When I leave the room
I'm gonna fail you
I already have
Ten thousand times
I will fall down flat
You'll have a seat in the front row
Of everything I don't know
And all I'm trying to be
You'll see
Good night
There will be storms that we come through
In time
We will slay dragons me and you
I'll always wanna hold you tight
Keep you safe with all my might
So I will leave Jesus next to you
When I leave the room
And you will run ahead
As if you know the way
And I will pray more
Then one should have to pray
There will be words we can't take back
Silences too
And I'll be on my knees
You'll see
One night
When I am old and unsteady
You'll want me to fight
But I'll tell you that I'm ready
When there's nothing left to do
I will still be loving you
Then you'll fold your fingers into mine
And I will let Jesus hold you tight
When I leave the room