Saturday, September 29, 2012

More cheers, more tears

Well, I guess maybe I should not plan on getting to a cross country meet without crying this season! Sam and I were on our way this morning - everyone else took different vehicles - and it hit me again.  I think today it was because I am tired from Thursday night.  I thought I would be up checking on Sam whose blood sugar was a little off earlier in the afternoon.  But I slept on the couch after an eventful night with Andrew at the doctor's office.  He had spiked a 103 fever suddenly and probably has a touch of pneumonia (which, don't think I won't ponder on why he has that later) and then he had a seizure in the office.  He had me, Dr. Zimmerman, and two precious nurses to help him; and it was still hard.  But I slept okay and kept going the next day - to work and to take Andrew to what he had to do Friday.  I think once I am still for a little while things hit me - the scary things and frustrating things.

I was also worried about Peter.  I kept handing him over to God and taking him back like I know I am not supposed to do!  He has tried to be easy on his leg, and I know he has a lot going on.  So we had prayed this morning before we all left, and I felt better.  But then on the way there...

But fortunately, I work with a lot of great people at the meets.  I learned of a terrible illness in one family and resolved to pray diligently for them.  I saw people who asked about Andrew.  I saw people who had their own tough times with their children too.  We are all in this together, so it's best to encourage and pray.

And I think I felt knocked down some this week.  Don't ask me why I let some silly stuff get to me.  But sometimes it does.  People can be so mean for no reason.  But I don't have to let them bother me.  Sometimes I do though.  I felt mean Thursday night.  I ran into Walmart to get Andrew a couple of things and some girls were being silly and getting in the carts - which is probably one reason the carts don't work well sometimes.  They were totally oblivious to anyone else needing a cart and needing to hurry!  Even though they did get on my nerves I was not mean.  So I told God I was sorry for my attitude - I was tired and worried and in a hurry.  But still...I should not be mean or feel like being mean.  And for those who are mean, I will try harder to not let them win. 

We have homecoming at church tomorrow.  Then Andrew and I are going to a music performance for one of his classes.  I have spent a little time on the Appalachian campus the last couple of days with him.  I am so thankful he is here, and I can be here to spend that time with him.  Maybe we will get to go to a play soon!  I am not overly worried, but I always liked to go for my classes; so I will just go with him!

Today I thought how fortunate I am to live in such a beautiful place and how fortunate I am to enjoy this time with my family.  Will won the JV race today, and it was so fun to watch him run that fast.  I was not expecting that, and I hope it was a boost for him.  He is rearranging his room right now.  Such a funny boy sometimes.  His room is huge - actually like two rooms together, so he has a lot of ways to arrange it!  It needs to be painted, so that will be a huge undertaking; but he knows how to paint and wants to do it too!  One more thing on my list for him to help me do!

I know one thing for sure.  I need to keep my eyes on Him.  When I don't, I get into trouble immediately.  I will keep working on that!!!!

I Look To You (Selah)

 
As I lay me down,
Heaven hear me now.
I'm lost without a cause
After giving it my all.

Winter storms have come
And darkened my sun.
After all that I've been through
Who on earth can I turn to?

I look to you.
I look to you.
After all my strength is gone,
In you I can be strong
I look to you.
I look to you.
And when melodies are gone,
In you I hear a song.
I look to you.

About to lose my breathe,
There's no more fighting left,
Sinking to rise no more,
Searching for that open door.

And every road that I've taken
Lead to my regret.
And I don't know if I'm going to make it.
Nothing to do but lift my head

I look to you.
I look to you.
After all my strength is gone,
In you I can be strong
I look to you.
I look to you.
And when melodies are gone,
In you I hear a song.
I look to you.

My levees are broken
My walls have come
Tumbling down on me

The rain is falling.
Defeat is calling.
I need you to set me free.

Take me far away from the battle.
I need you.
Shine on me.

I look to you.
I look to you.
After all my strength is gone,
In you I can be strong
I look to you.
I look to you.
And when melodies are gone,
In you I hear a song.
I look to you.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Peter is 17!

I remember hurrying to the OR for Peter's birth - a semi-emergency c-section.  I was talking to a med student (who I am sure decided against obstetrics after this experience!) when my alarm started sounding on the baby monitor.  The nurse hopped off her stool and slid an oxygen mask over my face.  They hurried to get me in the OR before someone having hand surgery.  We were in Abingdon in a smaller, but good, hospital.

My sister got to go in since everyone was hurrying.  She really was not supposed to!  But I was so glad she was there.  I was a little panicky with some things going on with the anesthesia, but it started wearing off by the time Peter arrived.

I kept asking, "What is it?"  I meant, boy or girl?  No one would answer, but finally Pete came over and said, "It's a boy, and he looks just like Andrew!"  Well, once I got a good look at this second little boy, I could tell he did not look like Andrew to me!  He was adorable like Andrew, but his little head was not bruised like Andrew's had been.  He had big eyes and long eye lashes.  I never could figure out his hair when he was tiny.  I would comb it neatly, and it always escaped.  I did not know it was curly!  Peter finally looked like Peter when I stopped trying to slick his hair down!

Peter slept so much on the way home that I kept poking him gently to make sure he was breathing!  Pete took me to the Red Lobster before we came back to Boone, and I remember him sleeping through the whole meal!  Andrew was such a good little person, and so he was no trouble in the restaurant.  And I remember going to baby Gap at the Johnson City Mall.  That was a real treat back then, and I loved to dress up my little boys.  They had some of the cutest "bargain" outfits!

Peter taught Andrew to climb on the couch.  He and Andrew would ask if they could splash in the tub.  They were best friends and were always there for each other.  For years and years, they shared a room.  They still just have a thin wall between them now.  They are not the same, but they are true brothers.  They have welcomed two more brothers, but I will always remember how well they complemented each other and how they have been there for each other.

As Peter turned 17 today in his senior year, I just love to look back at his sweet little pictures and that precious little face and be reminded of the fun we have had.  He makes me laugh.  He is such a good boy. 

Happy Birthday, Peter!  We are so thankful for you.  We hope your year is exciting and fun as you grow into new territory soon!  We know God has a plan for you, and we will be here to see it and help and encourage you!

Friday, September 21, 2012

The end of me ~ a great place to be?

Greg Laurie talked to me the other morning on the way to Charlotte as Sam happily watched a new movie in the seat behind me.  I tried not to cry off all of my make-up, but I knew he was talking to me.  His message was "The Perfect Storm", and he referred to a lot of what I already knew - and what Toby talked about in one of his sermons not long ago.  We are in a storm, coming out of one, or starting to go into another.  We are in one of those places.  There are storms in life.  Then he kept on going.  I think he was on the Sea of Galilee when doing this message.  He talked about how quickly a storm can whip up there.  Pete had told me that in the spring when he went - how quickly the calm waters can start churning and become scary.

As he kept talking, he was assuring me that Jesus is right with me - all of the time, even during the storm.  He caught my attention when he said at the end of me is not a bad place to be.  He said, "When you tell God you cannot get through this without Him, that's not a bad thing."  That's not a direct quote but pretty close.  He said when we are at the end of ourselves, we have to look to Him.  Fortunately, He is patient as we go through all of our resources and reserves first.  I know I do.  He also said that Jesus will come through for us when we need Him with what we need.  He said it may seem last minute, but it will be when we need it.  It's not really last minute.  I just need to trust more that He will come through.  He won't leave me hanging.

So this week when the overwhelming things have come, I did not do so well at first.  I got my feelings hurt.  I cried when I got a letter from someone I expressed concern to who blamed me and discounted my concern until it really hurt.  I let things bother me that should not have.  I lost focus.  I did not read my devotional for a couple of days and really really needed it. 

Sometimes I work better in distress - bad distress or in crisis mode.  When things calm down, I sometimes fall apart.  It does not make sense except in crisis mode I don't have time to notice the little things that may bother me on a normal day.  I would not notice feeling left out - I would not care!  I would not notice the jab - I would not hear it!  I would not worry about the person not doing his or her job - I would just make sure I did what I should!  I would not let those things bother me!  They would not have a place.

I guess when I take my eyes off of Him, like Peter did while walking on water, I see too many things that distract me from what I should be doing or what I should be focused on.  Well, guess nothing.  I know I do.

I am thankful for Greg Laurie's ministry.  I am thankful that he was on the radio while I was going up I-85.  I know it was not a coincidence that that message was on at that time.  I heard it.  I heard God speaking to me.  I am trying to be a better listener!

I have given over Andrew's pulled muscle and my concerns over his health.  And this week we did get some good labs on him. 

I have given over Peter's tendonitis right in the middle of his senior year of cross country.  And he is taking care of it and has talked to a couple of coaches this week.  And I am trying not to look ahead too much to June!

I am giving over Will's difficulties that he is having right now.  God knows what they are.  He is a good boy, and he can get through this. 

I am giving over Sam's difficulties in school and being thankful for better blood sugar numbers this week. 

I am giving over my anxiety that tries to creep through every once in a while as Pete plans another overseas trip soon.

I keep giving and giving and trying not to forget Who loves them most.  Who also loves ME most.

I am thankful He takes the time to remind me in a Joni devotional or a radio broadcast or in a song or in a verse that hits home.  I am so thankful He loves me.  Oh how He loves me.

Monday, September 3, 2012

Andrew's first college meet!

Andrew ran his first Appalachian cross country meet Friday evening at the Greenway!  We were so happy to go and see him.  In true Andrew fashion, he was probably in the last 10 as they started and then moved up a bit before they went out of sight for a while.  When they came back into sight on the other side of the covered bridge, he had moved up - way up!  He ended up running a 25:59 8K (5 miles) and was 15th overall and 6th on the team and only a few seconds from 5th!  It was his first 8K race (unless he had run a road race - and I don't think The Bear counts!).  He looked so good - so smooth and so strong. 

Of course Pete is running around all excited and happy during the race.  I was excited too, but I tend to ponder more.  I know more on which to ponder too.  So sometimes I have more for which to be thankful.  And I am thankful.  I want Andrew to do well.  I want him to be healthy.  I want him to overcome this stuff that gets in his way.  But I know what is most important is what points to God.  I need to be willing to know that sometimes things won't go our way or be understood by us.  I will know without a doubt how I wish things could go and how I want them to go.  But I need to be more willing to trust that things will go the way they need to for HIS glory.  Friday, I was pondering on whether he could keep the pace.  I know things others don't know.  I know what we are working on medically.  I should have just enjoyed watching!

I have talked of my grandfather who prayed and prayed for Andrew when he was still alive.  He had a limited education, helped support his family of four boys during the depression, lost his father in the coal mines when he was seven, built his own business from scratch, worked six days a week most of his life, and was more generous than most people would ever be willing to be.  While he was not perfect (none of us are!), he knew where to go when he could not help Andrew in the way he would like.  He still tried to slide me money to help pay for travel expenses to the doctor and for medical bills.  And he called to check on us on a regular basis even when it was hard for him to find my number (until Whitney put it right next to his phone).  For years after he died, I would start to pick up the phone and call my special grandfather to share something with him.  I go to visit his grave sometimes - my grandmother is there and my little niece and other loved family members.  I know he is not there, but it is a place to be still and remember him and appreciate him.  Because he knew he had to get on his knees when he could not take care of something for me - or for Andrew.  And for someone who tried to be self-sufficient all of his life, that was a big deal to know he knew that and acknowledged it.

My grandfather was not on the front page of the newspaper.  He was not the wealthiest man in the town where he lived and worked for most of his life.  But he was a very hard worker, and he was very well loved.  When he died, people who worked for him came to tell stories of how he had helped them.  Friends told how he had paid the bill at the restaurant for them before he left ahead of them.  He helped people out of jams.  He was remembered for his hard work and work ethic.  All of these people knew he was not perfect, but they loved and appreciated him just as we did.  The point is that we don't have to be famous or out front to make a difference.  His difference was that he lived what he believed about hard work.  And as he got older and found out firsthand that he could not work things out himself, he knew to get on those knees.  He, like a lot of us, had to learn that over years and through experiences; but it still speaks to me greatly.

My grandfather would be so proud of Andrew - for his hard work and determination.  As my dad gets older, it is clear to see some of the same traits in him as my grandfather - sometimes in different ways.  I won't share that with him yet - that observation!  So Andrew is not out front, but he is out there and working hard and showing us what miracles are.  And when other things may come his way, he will just keep going the same way he is now.  And as his mom, I think it's okay - even great - to enjoy the good days and great races as long as I give credit where credit is due. 

Cannot wait to see what else is ahead for this boy.  I was so happy to see Peter bragging about Andrew on Facebook and saying he knows God has a plan for Andrew.  God has a plan for everyone.  The ones whose lives seem toughest right now and those who seem to be on easy street.  We need to be willing to watch and wait and listen so we can go in the direction He would have us to go.  So many things have worked out for Andrew in the past several weeks that could have just been disappointment and potential disaster.  So I am thankful for all of those things.  All of them.  And, again, I know I don't know the half of it!