I read somewhere once that it takes at least 13 positive things to even out one negative. I think maybe it may be more than 13!
I have been so happy and thankful all weekend for a huge praise. Will got his diploma. He did not walk at graduation, but he finished. I was doubtful at this time last year. And though I am happy to have that checked off, I am looking at a clear answer to many prayers prayed by people who care about him.
But...as wonderful as that is. I was knocked down last night and am still struggling with the situation. I have (wrongly) thought it was my best bet to withdraw when others were ugly to me. I have thought if I just keep to myself that I can protect myself from mean things. But then a part of me wants them to know they did not bother me - showing them that they really did!
So, after such an ugly thing, I told Pete I would just withdraw and not put myself in that position. And he told me that would not show the love of Christ. He told me I should love with the love of Christ. Not kill with kindness. He said that is revenge. He said to be aware and wait patiently for a chance to be kind or show the love of Jesus. I sighed and told him that I would probably be waiting a long time for a chance - some people seem so self-sufficient and would not want help from someone like me anyway.
And he told me that I was wrong. And I am. It's more hurtful to be treated so by Christians. So what do I do?
I show the love of Christ. I stop the hurt already eating me up inside. I don't nurture the "I'll show them" attitude that is trying to form.
I will try (and try and try) to put myself and my hurt aside and make it about Jesus. I will not let it get the best of me. And I will pray that I will be a wonderful example of Christ's love even when I feel so unloved by what happened.
I think that is what I have been trying to learn more and more. It's not about me. ME. me. It's about Him.
How would He want me to react? I am trying to remember to keep my focus on Him. He loves me best. He knows me best and still loves me. He offers grace and mercy. I need to do the same.
Wednesday, June 15, 2016
Sunday, June 5, 2016
Graduation Time
This post is for me last year. The year that my child should have graduated from high school. The year that was the hardest I had ever experienced. The one where I would wake up several times a night not being able to breathe. Feeling like I was in a dark hole. Crying out to God to help me. Waking my husband in the worst ones asking him to pray. Shedding more tears in months than I had cried in a lifetime (and I am a cryer).
Graduating from high school was not my only concern. Our only concern. We went months without seeing our child or hearing from him. We heard about him from some, and that helped. But our hearts were broken. He was gone. We could only pray. And pray we did. Pete always said the best prayers. My prayer was to bring him home. Pete's was to let his eyes be open to what God showed him, so he would want to come home.
When Pete was in the hospital after one of his four strokes last spring, I was scared being in the ER with him. But I was standing only feet from my child that I rarely saw and could only see that part as a blessing. But then others did not talk to him, and that caused more hurt in my heart. It's not up to us to be ugly for someone else's sake. Sometimes that causes more heartbreak. Even though we feel justified, we are wrong. Just plain wrong. That day was the beginning of some scary weeks with Pete. And that added to my stress and burdens. I know God carried me through that. I was constantly crying out to Him.
He did come home last fall. And he finished his requirements in December. And he won't walk this year, but he will get his high school diploma. And I am so happy inside, because of what God has done and what He will continue to do. I know He is not finished. He is not finished with any of us. The ones of us who seem to be doing well. And those of us who are not. He will continue to work on us.
"Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:" Philippians 1:6
So for the parent this year whose heart may be broken, I encourage you to just keep praying. If you don't know what to pray, just ask God to give that child (or person) what he needs to see God's way. Step back from emails and facebook and other places that make you shrink back in sadness or shame. Where you wonder why ALL of the other children turned out so well. Why did yours have to falter? Would he still be here if I got him that vehicle that someone else got their child? Would he still be here if I took him on better vacations all year? Like others do? Ask God to put people in your path to help you through - and it's not always who you would think. Try to limit time with those who ask questions to feed gossip or satisfy their curiosity. It's okay not to share. In fact, it's okay to protect your child's privacy. Don't be afraid to ask for prayer from people you know will pray - even without knowing all of the details. Because those people already know that God knows - and that is what is important. And God will give them what to say if they run into that child. I know, because it happened in our situation. Be brave when you receive others' announcements in the mail. Be gracious, but don't feel you have to join in all of the festivities or celebrations when your heart is broken. Instead, take that time and energy to pray and pray some more. Buy cards for other graduates that have a good Christian message so you can just sign your names and not have to come up with something to write during this time. Be thankful for those who text or call on tough days just to say they are praying for you. Even on graduation day. And they don't expect a response or a call back, because they know you are overwhelmed: and they are not going to add to that.
My experience was out there for people to see. I knew people talked about our family and my child. Others told me what they said, because they had some questions themselves! For information only. I don't think they were planning on praying. And that hurt. A lot. I avoided Walmart and other places as much as I could for a while. I did not hear from some people, and that hurt too. I was relying too much on people. That burden became too much, and I was able to give it to God and leave it with Him. And one person told me as hard as it was for it to be out there, that maybe that was better than hidden things. And I could finally, after a long time, see that as a blessing. I was not living a lie or living in the dark (about what was going on) during that time. It was out in the open, and that allowed lots of precious people to pray about it. And the situation needed lots of prayer.
I ran into people last year I had not seen in years. And they knew what I was going through without me even telling them. I met people I had never met before, and God used them to encourage me- because they knew how I felt.
I would not wish that time on myself again, but I do know without a doubt that God got me through. My husband knows how hard I cried every day and every night for a long time. He knew how low I had gotten, and he saw how God pulled me up out of that pit. And he saw firsthand how God worked in the life of our child.
If you have a child who is causing you to cry, I can only say to constantly turn him or her over to the Lord - Who loves them more than we do. And if you know someone who has a wayward child, pray for their child and for them. And don't add to their burden - by gossiping or being judgmental or too righteous. Try to remember that we are ALL saved by grace. Our children are not saved by their parents. They need to be pointed to the only One Who can save them - Jesus Christ Who died for their sins, for all of our sins. Then they have to make that decision for themselves - because they want to and not because they are expected to.
I remember one friend who went through a tough time, and her heart was broken. During that time, my friend asked someone for a little help. And that person felt righteous enough to knock my friend down even more. And probably in the name of Jesus. I am thankful my friend had friends who helped her through those dark days and showed her the real love of Jesus - instead of the righteousness of the Pharisees. That taught me more about trying to be less judgmental (because in some things that is easy for us, but in others it is not). Jesus would never knock me down lower, and He would not want me to do that to someone else. He would want me to love and encourage.
When I went through my months of darkness, I had to pray constantly. It was the only way I could function. And some people did not understand why I could not do more than what I was doing. And I had to give that to the Lord too. I did not want my bad time to be an excuse to be ugly to others or not do what I needed to do each day. And He walked with me through each day. Sometimes I called on Him a few times in an hour to help me. And He did.
I have had to remember that God is my only constant. He is always there. When others disappoint (because I know I do) or say hurtful things (because I know I do even if I don't mean to - my dear husband reminded me), God is not like that. He is always there. And He is always there to help me. Not get my way but to get me through.
So, this year I can enjoy pictures more that I see of graduation. I can breathe easier and not feel that crushing weight that I felt last year. I know it's not because my child will get his diploma. It's because God is faithful, and I can see where He walked me through the darkest days. And we are on the other side. And I love Him more and depend on Him more than ever. And that is a blessing.
On to the next phase of life ~keep praying for my children as they continue on. Pray for their personal relationships with Jesus Christ. Pray for them to go on and be servants of God without my help. I still want to be a good witness and model for them. But I want their choices to be to please God and do what He has for them - not for their parents. I love them so much and want them to grow up to be men for God. And I want them to point others to Christ. So I will keep on praying. I want that to be who they are - not what they seem to be. And some of what we have gone through can lead to that. And then it will be worth it. We want God glorified in our lives - through the good and the bad.
Graduating from high school was not my only concern. Our only concern. We went months without seeing our child or hearing from him. We heard about him from some, and that helped. But our hearts were broken. He was gone. We could only pray. And pray we did. Pete always said the best prayers. My prayer was to bring him home. Pete's was to let his eyes be open to what God showed him, so he would want to come home.
When Pete was in the hospital after one of his four strokes last spring, I was scared being in the ER with him. But I was standing only feet from my child that I rarely saw and could only see that part as a blessing. But then others did not talk to him, and that caused more hurt in my heart. It's not up to us to be ugly for someone else's sake. Sometimes that causes more heartbreak. Even though we feel justified, we are wrong. Just plain wrong. That day was the beginning of some scary weeks with Pete. And that added to my stress and burdens. I know God carried me through that. I was constantly crying out to Him.
He did come home last fall. And he finished his requirements in December. And he won't walk this year, but he will get his high school diploma. And I am so happy inside, because of what God has done and what He will continue to do. I know He is not finished. He is not finished with any of us. The ones of us who seem to be doing well. And those of us who are not. He will continue to work on us.
"Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:" Philippians 1:6
So for the parent this year whose heart may be broken, I encourage you to just keep praying. If you don't know what to pray, just ask God to give that child (or person) what he needs to see God's way. Step back from emails and facebook and other places that make you shrink back in sadness or shame. Where you wonder why ALL of the other children turned out so well. Why did yours have to falter? Would he still be here if I got him that vehicle that someone else got their child? Would he still be here if I took him on better vacations all year? Like others do? Ask God to put people in your path to help you through - and it's not always who you would think. Try to limit time with those who ask questions to feed gossip or satisfy their curiosity. It's okay not to share. In fact, it's okay to protect your child's privacy. Don't be afraid to ask for prayer from people you know will pray - even without knowing all of the details. Because those people already know that God knows - and that is what is important. And God will give them what to say if they run into that child. I know, because it happened in our situation. Be brave when you receive others' announcements in the mail. Be gracious, but don't feel you have to join in all of the festivities or celebrations when your heart is broken. Instead, take that time and energy to pray and pray some more. Buy cards for other graduates that have a good Christian message so you can just sign your names and not have to come up with something to write during this time. Be thankful for those who text or call on tough days just to say they are praying for you. Even on graduation day. And they don't expect a response or a call back, because they know you are overwhelmed: and they are not going to add to that.
My experience was out there for people to see. I knew people talked about our family and my child. Others told me what they said, because they had some questions themselves! For information only. I don't think they were planning on praying. And that hurt. A lot. I avoided Walmart and other places as much as I could for a while. I did not hear from some people, and that hurt too. I was relying too much on people. That burden became too much, and I was able to give it to God and leave it with Him. And one person told me as hard as it was for it to be out there, that maybe that was better than hidden things. And I could finally, after a long time, see that as a blessing. I was not living a lie or living in the dark (about what was going on) during that time. It was out in the open, and that allowed lots of precious people to pray about it. And the situation needed lots of prayer.
I would not wish that time on myself again, but I do know without a doubt that God got me through. My husband knows how hard I cried every day and every night for a long time. He knew how low I had gotten, and he saw how God pulled me up out of that pit. And he saw firsthand how God worked in the life of our child.
If you have a child who is causing you to cry, I can only say to constantly turn him or her over to the Lord - Who loves them more than we do. And if you know someone who has a wayward child, pray for their child and for them. And don't add to their burden - by gossiping or being judgmental or too righteous. Try to remember that we are ALL saved by grace. Our children are not saved by their parents. They need to be pointed to the only One Who can save them - Jesus Christ Who died for their sins, for all of our sins. Then they have to make that decision for themselves - because they want to and not because they are expected to.
I remember one friend who went through a tough time, and her heart was broken. During that time, my friend asked someone for a little help. And that person felt righteous enough to knock my friend down even more. And probably in the name of Jesus. I am thankful my friend had friends who helped her through those dark days and showed her the real love of Jesus - instead of the righteousness of the Pharisees. That taught me more about trying to be less judgmental (because in some things that is easy for us, but in others it is not). Jesus would never knock me down lower, and He would not want me to do that to someone else. He would want me to love and encourage.
When I went through my months of darkness, I had to pray constantly. It was the only way I could function. And some people did not understand why I could not do more than what I was doing. And I had to give that to the Lord too. I did not want my bad time to be an excuse to be ugly to others or not do what I needed to do each day. And He walked with me through each day. Sometimes I called on Him a few times in an hour to help me. And He did.
I have had to remember that God is my only constant. He is always there. When others disappoint (because I know I do) or say hurtful things (because I know I do even if I don't mean to - my dear husband reminded me), God is not like that. He is always there. And He is always there to help me. Not get my way but to get me through.
So, this year I can enjoy pictures more that I see of graduation. I can breathe easier and not feel that crushing weight that I felt last year. I know it's not because my child will get his diploma. It's because God is faithful, and I can see where He walked me through the darkest days. And we are on the other side. And I love Him more and depend on Him more than ever. And that is a blessing.
On to the next phase of life ~keep praying for my children as they continue on. Pray for their personal relationships with Jesus Christ. Pray for them to go on and be servants of God without my help. I still want to be a good witness and model for them. But I want their choices to be to please God and do what He has for them - not for their parents. I love them so much and want them to grow up to be men for God. And I want them to point others to Christ. So I will keep on praying. I want that to be who they are - not what they seem to be. And some of what we have gone through can lead to that. And then it will be worth it. We want God glorified in our lives - through the good and the bad.
All of those Trophies ~ I don't need them anymore!
Sam came downstairs with his arms full ~ of trophies and medals. He asked, "Mommy, can I keep these? Andrew said he doesn't want them anymore." I have not looked through each one, but there are lots and lots of running awards. We got rid of the soccer and other ball trophies years ago in one of our moves. Andrew kept his Bear stuff - the mugs and medals but did not feel a need to keep anything else. He is a minimalist, but I can also learn something from him. He does not need to keep "stuff" to remind him of those good old race days. He knows what he did and sees no need to advertise it! And keeping some of the most memorable ones and letting go of the rest made sense to him.
Now, Sam has not accumulated many trophies. We tried some sports when he was younger, but it was too hard with high or low blood sugars. We did not want to commit and then not be there. So he has not had much experience getting many ribbons or medals or trophies. So Andrew just handed him a treasure. And he does not care if he (Sam) earned them. He just likes to have them. Maybe to build confidence or feel important. We will put them on a shelf in his room, and one day, hopefully soon, he will not have a need for them. But right now he is in awe of his big brother's many awards. And I appreciate the fact that he may want to be like his brother - in the way of working hard and being diligent - but not clinging too tightly to the things of this world - and that includes awards and trophies. We can be the biggest thing in this world (like Muhammad Ali) but not point others to Christ. And that is a waste of our time and efforts. A big waste.
I hope and pray that anything that my family does points to Christ. That we don't get caught up in taking credit and thinking that we are the best thing or the biggest thing. We don't want to get caught up at all, but we should want to be vessels - willing to let Christ shine through us. For God to be glorified in our lives.
We have been cleaning out and getting rid of stuff. Someone has way too many toys and Legos. We watched Madame Blueberry in Veggie Tales, and it is so funny to see how much we depend on stuff - in little or big ways - to make us happy. We can all improve on the stuff we collect. Sam is still young, but I want him to see that we need to be satisfied with what we have. Thankful. So we can have happy hearts.
My yard sale yesterday was a lot of hard work. Even having "stuff" right inside the front door and carrying it all out is quite an effort! I sold things for almost nothing - some to help people out and some because I did not want to have to bring it back into my house! Will took a good truck load to donate. And I have been sorting some of what is left for another yard sale with friends next week. I love getting rid of stuff. I love making a little money. But I also love giving things away. I have some friends who want to pay too much to bless me. But I want them to get a lot of stuff they may need so I can bless them. That is a great problem to have!
So for right now, I will let Sam enjoy his big brother's trophies. And I will keep teaching him and trying to show him how to be content with what we have. And to trust God to provide what we need. I was just talking about how nice it would be to have plenty of money and not have to worry about bills - mostly medicine and medical in our family. But then, I have to trust God more when the numbers don't all add up in our favor. And He provides every time. Every single time. And that is a blessing to know and experience.
"But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:19
Now, Sam has not accumulated many trophies. We tried some sports when he was younger, but it was too hard with high or low blood sugars. We did not want to commit and then not be there. So he has not had much experience getting many ribbons or medals or trophies. So Andrew just handed him a treasure. And he does not care if he (Sam) earned them. He just likes to have them. Maybe to build confidence or feel important. We will put them on a shelf in his room, and one day, hopefully soon, he will not have a need for them. But right now he is in awe of his big brother's many awards. And I appreciate the fact that he may want to be like his brother - in the way of working hard and being diligent - but not clinging too tightly to the things of this world - and that includes awards and trophies. We can be the biggest thing in this world (like Muhammad Ali) but not point others to Christ. And that is a waste of our time and efforts. A big waste.
I hope and pray that anything that my family does points to Christ. That we don't get caught up in taking credit and thinking that we are the best thing or the biggest thing. We don't want to get caught up at all, but we should want to be vessels - willing to let Christ shine through us. For God to be glorified in our lives.
We have been cleaning out and getting rid of stuff. Someone has way too many toys and Legos. We watched Madame Blueberry in Veggie Tales, and it is so funny to see how much we depend on stuff - in little or big ways - to make us happy. We can all improve on the stuff we collect. Sam is still young, but I want him to see that we need to be satisfied with what we have. Thankful. So we can have happy hearts.
My yard sale yesterday was a lot of hard work. Even having "stuff" right inside the front door and carrying it all out is quite an effort! I sold things for almost nothing - some to help people out and some because I did not want to have to bring it back into my house! Will took a good truck load to donate. And I have been sorting some of what is left for another yard sale with friends next week. I love getting rid of stuff. I love making a little money. But I also love giving things away. I have some friends who want to pay too much to bless me. But I want them to get a lot of stuff they may need so I can bless them. That is a great problem to have!
So for right now, I will let Sam enjoy his big brother's trophies. And I will keep teaching him and trying to show him how to be content with what we have. And to trust God to provide what we need. I was just talking about how nice it would be to have plenty of money and not have to worry about bills - mostly medicine and medical in our family. But then, I have to trust God more when the numbers don't all add up in our favor. And He provides every time. Every single time. And that is a blessing to know and experience.
"But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:19
He certainly will provide all of our needs. And that will keep us closer to Him and not as dependent on anything in this world. That we are just passing through. I want to lay up treasures in Heaven. And that does not mean things. That means being a light so other people will learn about Him and know Him and accept Him as the Savior of the world. I keep trying to get to the place where I say confidently, "Whatever it takes, Lord. Please use me."
Thanks for reading!
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