Graduating from high school was not my only concern. Our only concern. We went months without seeing our child or hearing from him. We heard about him from some, and that helped. But our hearts were broken. He was gone. We could only pray. And pray we did. Pete always said the best prayers. My prayer was to bring him home. Pete's was to let his eyes be open to what God showed him, so he would want to come home.
When Pete was in the hospital after one of his four strokes last spring, I was scared being in the ER with him. But I was standing only feet from my child that I rarely saw and could only see that part as a blessing. But then others did not talk to him, and that caused more hurt in my heart. It's not up to us to be ugly for someone else's sake. Sometimes that causes more heartbreak. Even though we feel justified, we are wrong. Just plain wrong. That day was the beginning of some scary weeks with Pete. And that added to my stress and burdens. I know God carried me through that. I was constantly crying out to Him.
He did come home last fall. And he finished his requirements in December. And he won't walk this year, but he will get his high school diploma. And I am so happy inside, because of what God has done and what He will continue to do. I know He is not finished. He is not finished with any of us. The ones of us who seem to be doing well. And those of us who are not. He will continue to work on us.
"Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:" Philippians 1:6
So for the parent this year whose heart may be broken, I encourage you to just keep praying. If you don't know what to pray, just ask God to give that child (or person) what he needs to see God's way. Step back from emails and facebook and other places that make you shrink back in sadness or shame. Where you wonder why ALL of the other children turned out so well. Why did yours have to falter? Would he still be here if I got him that vehicle that someone else got their child? Would he still be here if I took him on better vacations all year? Like others do? Ask God to put people in your path to help you through - and it's not always who you would think. Try to limit time with those who ask questions to feed gossip or satisfy their curiosity. It's okay not to share. In fact, it's okay to protect your child's privacy. Don't be afraid to ask for prayer from people you know will pray - even without knowing all of the details. Because those people already know that God knows - and that is what is important. And God will give them what to say if they run into that child. I know, because it happened in our situation. Be brave when you receive others' announcements in the mail. Be gracious, but don't feel you have to join in all of the festivities or celebrations when your heart is broken. Instead, take that time and energy to pray and pray some more. Buy cards for other graduates that have a good Christian message so you can just sign your names and not have to come up with something to write during this time. Be thankful for those who text or call on tough days just to say they are praying for you. Even on graduation day. And they don't expect a response or a call back, because they know you are overwhelmed: and they are not going to add to that.
My experience was out there for people to see. I knew people talked about our family and my child. Others told me what they said, because they had some questions themselves! For information only. I don't think they were planning on praying. And that hurt. A lot. I avoided Walmart and other places as much as I could for a while. I did not hear from some people, and that hurt too. I was relying too much on people. That burden became too much, and I was able to give it to God and leave it with Him. And one person told me as hard as it was for it to be out there, that maybe that was better than hidden things. And I could finally, after a long time, see that as a blessing. I was not living a lie or living in the dark (about what was going on) during that time. It was out in the open, and that allowed lots of precious people to pray about it. And the situation needed lots of prayer.
I would not wish that time on myself again, but I do know without a doubt that God got me through. My husband knows how hard I cried every day and every night for a long time. He knew how low I had gotten, and he saw how God pulled me up out of that pit. And he saw firsthand how God worked in the life of our child.
If you have a child who is causing you to cry, I can only say to constantly turn him or her over to the Lord - Who loves them more than we do. And if you know someone who has a wayward child, pray for their child and for them. And don't add to their burden - by gossiping or being judgmental or too righteous. Try to remember that we are ALL saved by grace. Our children are not saved by their parents. They need to be pointed to the only One Who can save them - Jesus Christ Who died for their sins, for all of our sins. Then they have to make that decision for themselves - because they want to and not because they are expected to.
I remember one friend who went through a tough time, and her heart was broken. During that time, my friend asked someone for a little help. And that person felt righteous enough to knock my friend down even more. And probably in the name of Jesus. I am thankful my friend had friends who helped her through those dark days and showed her the real love of Jesus - instead of the righteousness of the Pharisees. That taught me more about trying to be less judgmental (because in some things that is easy for us, but in others it is not). Jesus would never knock me down lower, and He would not want me to do that to someone else. He would want me to love and encourage.
When I went through my months of darkness, I had to pray constantly. It was the only way I could function. And some people did not understand why I could not do more than what I was doing. And I had to give that to the Lord too. I did not want my bad time to be an excuse to be ugly to others or not do what I needed to do each day. And He walked with me through each day. Sometimes I called on Him a few times in an hour to help me. And He did.
I have had to remember that God is my only constant. He is always there. When others disappoint (because I know I do) or say hurtful things (because I know I do even if I don't mean to - my dear husband reminded me), God is not like that. He is always there. And He is always there to help me. Not get my way but to get me through.
So, this year I can enjoy pictures more that I see of graduation. I can breathe easier and not feel that crushing weight that I felt last year. I know it's not because my child will get his diploma. It's because God is faithful, and I can see where He walked me through the darkest days. And we are on the other side. And I love Him more and depend on Him more than ever. And that is a blessing.
On to the next phase of life ~keep praying for my children as they continue on. Pray for their personal relationships with Jesus Christ. Pray for them to go on and be servants of God without my help. I still want to be a good witness and model for them. But I want their choices to be to please God and do what He has for them - not for their parents. I love them so much and want them to grow up to be men for God. And I want them to point others to Christ. So I will keep on praying. I want that to be who they are - not what they seem to be. And some of what we have gone through can lead to that. And then it will be worth it. We want God glorified in our lives - through the good and the bad.
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