Our Type 1 Diabetes Story

In anticipation of our Road Race/Walk on October 1, I wanted to share our family's Type 1 diabetes story.

Just after Sam turned five, he started having some weird symptoms.  He had some similar symptoms a whole year before, so we were treating him the same way and thought he was doing better!  He never had accidents in the day or night after he was potty trained, so when he had them both times, we made sure to take him to the bathroom every hour on the hour in case he was having spasms or something - like we'd done a year earlier.  And he never said he was thirsty but kept asking for milk.

I was gone almost the whole week before he was diagnosed.  I spent the week in Chattanooga going to schools recruiting for the Office of Admissions at Appalachian.  It was so hard for me to be away from my family for that long, but I only traveled 3-4 whole weeks at a time and then had some short trips.  I remember calling Pete crying about something someone had said to me (in a message) that had really hurt my feelings.  I remember talking to my friend Paula about it.  I had let it pretty much ruin my week.  I was so upset.  Little did I know that "worry" would become the least of my worries soon.  And I don't remember all of the details, but I try to remember that what was so important and bothering me so much earlier that week was not really important.  And I try to not let those things overwhelm me now.  It can be a battle!

I remember leaving a school that afternoon and stopping at a McDonalds to change from my suit into my traveling clothes.  It was going to be a long trip home, and I was ready to get there.  I remember being in the office late that night returning my materials and cleaning out my state car.  I cannot remember if it was Thursday or Friday.

Saturday, Sam threw up.  He did not seem that sick, but we were supposed to go to Winston Salem the next morning to be at church where our niece was getting baptized.  I remember telling Pete if he threw up again that I could not take him.  He seemed fine when he went to bed.

Will got me up the next morning and told me Sam was sick.  He had gotten sick another time, but Will got him and cleaned him up and put him in bed with him - what good big brothers do.  They went back to sleep until Sam got up sick again.  I put him in the bathtub and gasped.  I called for Pete.  He looked like a little gray skeleton.  Pete said we absolutely had to take him to the ER - that he must have a bug and be dehydrated.  He did not look like that the night before.  That tells us how fast they can go downhill when they are so sick.  That is why we MUST get those symptoms out there.  What if Sam had not been at home?  What if we had not noticed?

Pete and Andrew had gone to a movie the night before, and our old car would not start; so I had gone to get them.  Which meant we only had one car that morning!

We all got ready to go, and Pete dropped Sam and me off at the ER and planned to take the boys on to Winston.  We knew he had to get fluids, and I could call someone after church to take us home.

Will begged to stay with me.  I wanted him to go to the baptism, because I felt bad about not being able to go.  Pete told him he could if he would help me.  And help me he did...

We took Sam in and saw someone we knew from church in Admissions.  They got us right back.  It was not crowded that early on a Sunday morning.  The nurse asked a lot of questions, and I was shocked to see that Sam had lost about six of his 35 (or less) pounds.  He was crying and asking for water and complaining that his stomach hurt.

The doctor came in, and I saw his name tag.  I did not recognize him, but I knew his name.  He was a doctor who had been so mean and hateful to me when I brought Andrew in in the second grade with a bad seizure - the first he'd had since he was first born.  He was so ugly and scared me and refused to check on Andrew.  He had also refused to call our pediatricians.  I immediately told God that I could not handle him.

But God knew what He was doing.  The doctor was loud and dramatic, but he was caring and got right to work on Sam.  He asked if anyone in our family had diabetes.  He said Sam had diabetes or pancreatitis.  And then puzzle pieces came flying together in my brain.

I am like a lot of people.  I had heard of diabetes.  I knew to be sorry for people who had it.  I even knew some symptoms.  But they did not present in a clear fashion.

I noticed Will sitting on the floor over in the corner listening.  When the doctor left, he had tears in his eyes and asked, "Will Sam be okay?"  I hugged him and told him that we would find out all we needed to know and take care of him.  And that he would be okay.

Sam was begging for water from the "water hose" (water fountain) in the hall.  He was pointing to his IV and then to his mouth just in case we were not understanding that he was dying of thirst.

My little gray skeleton was so strong that five people could not hold him down and get blood out of his arm.  I was so thankful Dr. St. Clair was on his way at that point and told them to just wait.  Dr. St. Clair took over, but the other doctor still came in to check on Sam.  He knew he was very sick, and he showed he cared.

Will had my phone and was texting people - I did not know it until I started getting calls.  Pete called from the church in Winston.  He said he would come on after lunch - because we still did not know how serious this was.  And Carla came right on from Sunday School.  Other friends were out of town, but Will covered a lot before I knew what he was doing.  He was able to get in touch with my sister and niece who were coming back from camping and should not have had service.

On the way up to ICU, Sam was allowed to have ice chips.  There was never a cuter little boy in a huge white bed sitting up shoveling ice into his mouth as he was wheeled to the elevator.  If he did not look so terrible, it would have been sweet.

I asked Carla if she thought we'd have to stay overnight - when we were still down in the ER.  Bless her heart, she and Dr. St. Clair spoon fed information to me until I could comprehend what was going on.

We got settled, and Pete sent me home with the boys while he spent the night.  We are the only ones we know who stayed at Watauga and were not sent off the mountain to Winston or Charlotte.  We had the room right at the nurses' station.

The next morning, I returned with a notebook and folder ready to learn what we needed to learn.  Pete went on to work.  Still no clue...

They checked Sam's blood sugar, and he was in the 40's.  So they gave him a snack in a hurry.

I remember that day was a blur.  We had lots of great visitors, and I had a lot of education.  But I knew I would never be able to give my child a shot, so I wondered how we could take him home.

But the biggest thing I remember about that day was that soon after Pete left, Sam started screaming and crying.  He screamed and cried but let me hold him for a solid 15 minutes - which seemed much longer.  The nurses kept peeking in but did not bother us.  I think he needed to get that out of his system, and he has never done it again.  I knew how he felt.  I wanted to scream and cry too.  A lot in the next few days, weeks, and months.  I mean, we could not feed him or let him sleep or go to sleep ourselves until we did all of these awful tedious things.  I wanted to go back to last week when we did not have this.

I remember sitting and watching Disney with him (we did not have that at home!) after we checked his blood sugar, and he'd cried.  I remember when he was sleeping, and I sat down to close my eyes; and the diabetes educator would show up to "teach" me more.  She did a great job.  I was just tired and overwhelmed.  And I knew I could never do this.

Reverend and Mrs. Thrasher called on the hospital phone.  They gave me tons of scripture and encouragement in about five minutes.  Then they asked to pray.  I remember stretching that phone cord and grasping the foot of my sick, sleeping baby and weeping as they prayed over us.  And I felt something rise up and renew inside me.  I knew God was with us.  I knew He would help us.  I had known that, but I was soooo tired.

Pete brought the boys by after practice.  Some of their friends who were Type 1 had talked to them.  And boy, they felt better.  They saw their friends were "fine" and knew Sam would be too.   I had moms come to see me.  One drove in the pouring rain to get us the JDRF backpack.  She was determined that we would have that information.  People came by and prayed and brought gifts.  One teacher pulled one of the boys out of class and told him that he knew all about diabetes if he had any questions or worries.

We had become members of this club, and it was awful but God provided so much at the same time.

I specifically prayed that week that Andrew would not have a seizure while Sam was in the hospital.  Fall was typically a tough time for him, and Sam was in the hospital on September 20th.  On Tuesday night, September 22, Pete and Sam were asleep on the pediatric floor after we had been moved from ICU.  Andrew did not feel well, and I put him in bed with me.  Around midnight, he started talking about geometry.  I flipped on the light as he went into a seizure and then it seemed another.  I called 911 and got a man on the phone (as opposed to some women who were awful to deal with in the past).  I told him I could not handle this and that my husband was at the hospital with another son.  He gave me information while he had the ambulance to our house in record time.  He had that ambulance here in the time that I would have still been giving someone else my address.  Andrew was not breathing, and they picked him up and ran out - not even bringing in the stretcher.  One of them, or a fireman, told me I had to calm down before I could drive to the hospital, and I remember thinking that they must think I was crazy.  But I was yelling at Andrew to breathe and for God to please save him.  I guess to them I looked crazy, while I prayed to God as loudly as I could.

I ran inside and jumped into clothes.  I asked Peter and Will to call Carla while I called Pete on my cell on the way there.  As I drove away, I saw Peter and Will sitting on the front steps of our house in the middle of the night without their parents.  They were only 12 and 14.  But I was certain Andrew was not okay, and I was crying and praying the whole time in the few minutes to the ER.  Pete called me back as I pulled into the hospital parking lot, right behind the firetruck who probably had waited to see me leave to make sure I was okay.  He told me he was down in the ER with Andrew and that he was breathing and okay.  I felt such relief.  Carla had come and stayed with Sam until Pete got back.

My parents came to help us get settled back in.  When I went to sleep again that night, I could hardly believe it.  I had warm wet tears and told God I just could not do this.  But instead of being hopeless, I felt reassured.  I knew He would have to take care of ALL of this.  And I knew He could.  And I have to still remember to trust Him and let Him work.  That's the only way.

After that eventful night, they hurried our education so we could bring Sam home.  We had our own glucose monitor but came home with two vials and syringes.  Two different insulins.  We had to draw up the medicine like you see on TV.  And we were not good at it.  And we had to give Sam a shot with a long needle at a 45 degree angle in one of the skinniest little legs you ever saw.  It makes me cry to remember.

Sam in the hospital at age 5

I remember a friend from work was there the first time I checked Sam's blood sugar on my own.  We (Sam and I) both cried, and she wiped tears too.  I remember when Pete called me late Tuesday night (before the other events) to tell me he had given Sam a shot.  I asked how it was, and he told me it was so hard.

Though more hard days were coming, I can say that by the end of that week, on Saturday, we were cheering on Andrew and Peter at their home cross country meet.  It did us all good to have a "normal" day.  A new normal but a good day with people coming up and encouraging us and introducing themselves to us as Type 1 parents.  Andrew did amazingly well and was his usual miracle self.

Mealtimes, night, mornings were all still hard.  We took Andrew to a neurologist the next week at Duke.  My mom had to watch Sam while I took Andrew in to see the doctor (who was hateful and had no clue about us or our family and seemed to just resent that we were a work in).  He got thirsty, and she did not know what to give him.  It was a miserable trip, and I was about beside myself.  I remember only being able to pray and ask God to help me.

We went to an endocrinologist a few weeks later and got insulin pens - which were the best thing ever.  We learned a lot and still keep on learning today.

Will was able to help me a lot at school - checking Sam's blood sugar before lunch.  All of the boys learned to count carbs and give insulin shots and check blood sugars.  My boys know more about ratios than they even know they know.  They know more about responsibility than they know they know.

I tried to go back to work.  I had to leave a lot.  They were gracious to take the rest of my travel and reassign it.  I finally resigned at the end of the year and took a part time job in the back at our pediatrician's office.  It has been a blessing as I can come and go as I need to to take care of Sam.  He does not have many people who can do it.

Sam  has never been hospitalized after that initial time at diagnosis.  We had one morning when he jumped on me and screamed and cried that he did not want to die and could see things crawling on his arms.  He was at 42 but must have been there for a while.  He had just gotten up, and I was getting ready to check him before I went to work.  It was scary, and the ambulance came but did not have to take him as we had already gotten him up in the 80's while the 911 dispatcher was still asking Andrew questions.  It took over 15-20 minutes for them to send someone, so God gave me an extra arm to put icing on Sam's gums, get a glass and pour orange juice, and sit in the floor and slosh the juice in his mouth until he had enough to make him stop jerking like he was having a seizure.  Then the boys woke up.  We are thankful that is the only extreme he has had even though there have been many close calls.  We have only "lost" his diabetes kit twice - once during a bomb threat at school (those people don't realize what danger they put people in) and when he left it on a sidewalk one time.  We got it back pretty quickly both times as it's his lifeline.

Sam doesn't go to camp.  He doesn't go spend a week with his grandparents.  He can't right now.  But he is fortunate that he has three big brothers who love him.  He loves them too.  And he does not have an alert dog, but we have a white golden retriever (with brown spots) who has gotten me up to check him before.  Lucy did not know that's what she was doing, but God used her.  And Sam loves Lucy and Will's puppy Sadie and loves playing with them.

We continue to use insulin pens, as he did not want a pump yet.  We deal with learning issues that are made tougher by high and low blood sugars.  We found out last year that Sam probably had a stroke (at least some sort of event like Andrew had) before he was born, and that has affected his learning.  So we deal with anxiety and other issues that arise from other things.

But we are so thankful for those who help us on this journey.  There are lots of tough nights, but we are determined to do our best with this.  Just this morning I woke up almost panicked thinking I had slept too long and had missed checking Sam in the middle of the night.  My biggest fear is that he will get too low at night and die in his sleep.  Next, I worry if I don't keep his blood sugars under control that I am ruining his organs.  It's always something.  And then if he is doing okay, the insurance part is a pain.  Or his pens malfunction.  Or something else.

We are thankful for the staff at school who take care of him.  We are thankful for doctors and nurses.  We thank God for all He provides.

Sam was baptized last year - overcoming his fear of doing it in front of people.  I want Sam to always know Jesus is with him and will take care of him.  I want him to learn good habits and how to take care of himself.  And though I would give the diabetes back in a heartbeat, I am thankful for what God shows us during these difficult times.

I am hopeful for a cure.  Sam told Andrew months ago that he hoped the cure was a pill, because he did not want anyone putting anything in his body.  Evidently, Peter had told him they were working on an artificial pancreas.  Pete said he hated that Sam was diagnosed at such an early age, because it's hard on his body.  But then he said Sam won't remember life before diabetes.  I don't think any of us do.

As we prepare for our first JDRF Road Race, I am overwhelmed by the support we have already seen.  My friend Paula gave us her fall road race spot, and she is helping get us organized.  We have had tons of help and offers of help.  We have two main objectives.  We want to raise money for JDRF, as they have proven to want to find a cure as well as better ways to deal with this disease.  And to raise awareness.  Too many die because they are diagnosed too late.  We want those signs out there on the radar more than they are at this moment.  And we claim the verse Joshua 1:9 ~ "Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."  

I have often felt dismayed, but I just have to remember that God knows all and will provide.  We just need to keep trusting Him.  And I do - with all of my heart.


I'll add the online application link soon.  Or you can register at JDRF if you want to walk or run or form a team!  Thanks in advance!

http://www2.jdrf.org/site/TR?fr_id=6487&pg=entry

Sam, age 11

Sam, age 11

The day we got Lucy!

Before Type 1

Sweet boy

Type 1 looks like me!

Before we knew about diabetes

Tweetsie Railroad

A summer wedding in Virginia

Lucy, the best dog!

Another hospital pic with George

Pop's tractor in Virginia

Loved running a cross country meet!

My precious boy

At the new house

Sweetest little brother

So worn out

One of the very best patients ever!

Update 7/24/16

I hope you are getting along okay in the heat.  At church and home, it's been a hot weekend.  I ran to Cook Out today and got milkshakes - and have never really felt the need to do that before!  We got a small plastic pool for the dogs, and it can still be filled almost all of the way even if Will's puppy has already chewed two holes in it!

Andrew's appointment went well last week with Dr. Patel, his immunologist/infectious disease doctor.  We were in and out quickly as the doctor had a new resident and a new patient.  But we went over all of Andrew's information and found out he was not the only one who had trouble getting his infusion meds this year.  Andrew opted to give a lot of blood for genetic testing.  We won't get those results back for months, but it's for research; and his case is particularly interesting because of his autoimmune problems.  We may find something in that that will help treat him in the future, and hopefully it will help others.  We did get back Andrew's two other labs and found his B12 (that we should have gotten late last year) to be on the lower end of normal.  So we will check his diet on that.  His IgG that was around 600 right before he started back on his meds after Easter was still down in the high 700's.  But he was due an infusion soon, so we hope the number is really higher on average.  I am now a little nervous that they will kick us out of these practices, since Andrew is 22.  I just don't have it in me right now to break in a bunch of new doctor offices!  He also has an appointment in August with a new endocrinologist.  The short story is that I switched him to Charlotte to Sam's doctor in 2009 when Sam was diagnosed with Type 1.  The doctor saw him a couple of times and seemed intimidated by his medical record and released him.  Soon after, his thyroid numbers were messed up; and one of his pediatricians has been kind enough to look at his labs and refill his meds.  I am finally taking that pressure away from him and taking Andrew to a new doctor in Winston.  They took him even after seeing part of his medical record.  I really should have left him at Chapel Hill where he went for 13 years.  His doctor there just died a year or so ago but had been retired for a while.  I credit him for helping Andrew the minute he saw him, and we had already lost precious time.  I am sure they still have pictures of Andrew and Peter somewhere in their files when they were so little.

Sam has been running high all weekend, and I am frustrated as I don't have a lot of extra pens for his newer insulin.  I think it's hit or miss- whether or not he is getting his insulin.  So I will have to go order another pen tomorrow.  Going without his insulin is not an option, but we are limited since Blue Cross changed his insulin last year and did not give us any warning or time to try to keep the old one.  I have been up many nights in the past two weeks with bad lows - sometimes up to two hours.  So the insurance part is so frustrating, because I am too tired to deal with them.

He loved the rest of his camp.  He got to do the behind the scenes tour at the stadium and had Coach Weaver's son, Mr. Jay, show them around.  He was excited to tell us all about it.  He even saw Coach Curcio there and was able to tell his friends that he had just been to the underwater treadmill with Andrew.  

Peter is working and getting through his tough on-line class.  I was thankful for his girlfriend today who was helping him over the internet with his long paper preparation.  Will is working, and I watched in amazement yesterday as he picked up a truck in our driveway with a teletruck (or whatever it was!) and placed it on a flatbed trailer.  I told him it was all of those Tonka trucks we bought him when he was young that taught him to do that.  That freed up most of my basement for a couple of hours until Peter filled it with furniture and stuff for his friends for their few days in between apartments!  That is still on the summer list to clean.

Pete is still working away on the bathroom, and the floor looks great.  He uses bringing in and stacking wood (from trees that came down during a storm that a friend cut and brought) as his physical therapy and then runs up the neighbor's driveway which is a small but long incline.  He usually has a dog or two or three helping and sometimes a little blond haired boy.

We don't have any doctor appointments until Sam goes back in September, I believe.  So we have a little break from all of that, so I can hopefully catch up and get organized.  I am making notebooks for everyone about what they have and the doctors who help them.  Andrew wanted one.  He has done well taking over some of his own things, but he still feels better with me going along.   I almost broke down and bought the favorite planner of many I know.  But I couldn't do it!  So I bought a new one at TJ Maxx yesterday for under $8 and hope to get it filled with my much needed information.

When Blue Cross called the other day to tell me that had not heard from me in a while, I just felt so aggravated - instead of thankful.  I took the opportunity to remind the woman that they had cost us so much time and illness already this year.  I was respectful and matter of fact, but I realized that they have more power over me and my stress because I allow it.  Our sermon this morning was on prayer and also about worry.  I pray all of the time, but I still worry about so many things.  And I let so many things bother me.  I can sure be oversensitive.  For an illustration, Pete went all the way back to our early married days and FCA where he said I would volunteer him to pray.  And he was not comfortable doing it (even though I did not know!).  It was a fitting story today, because Coach Moore was visiting at our church with some friends.  Pete said that Jim Henry, a pastor from First Baptist Orlando, told them on a trip to Israel that you are more comfortable praying in a group when you are prayed up when you pray to God alone.  It was a good sermon.  And that followed a good sermon about what the church is from Pastor Martin at Country Church last night.  And I could listen to Bethel Road all night.  They were such a blessing and sang some favorite songs I have not heard in forever.

It's amazing how God has people placed just so, so that I can run into them on campus or at Walmart or even Country Church.  People who have a word of encouragement that strikes right where I need it and can really hear it.  I thank God still for those people who allow God to use them to help people like me in tough days, weeks, or even years.  God is good.  He surely is.  I know there are so many out there fighting terrible things, and I am thankful I have the confidence that God will help them with whatever it is - if they'll let Him.  It's just so unreal how much He loves us.

I am off to make sure my air conditioner is going full blast!  Thanks for reading this.  Thanks for praying for our family!

Wendi

 

New Update 7/13/16

Andrew went back to the neurologist on Monday.  We explained his two episodes from last week and in February (he was dizzy and could not stand or use his legs).  After pondering just a minute, Dr. Crittendon said he thought it was drug toxicity.  Andrew takes so many meds that sometimes they can just take over, I guess.  So we will make sure he drinks plenty in order to help not have that happen again.  We just got labs back today that say one drug level is a little bit high, what Dr. Crittendon suspected and Carla confirmed.  But we are not changing anything.  If we don’t count those episodes as seizures, he has had a good run without seizures.  And we want to keep it that way!

This was the year to miss The Bear.  The wind was gusting over 70 mph on top of the mountain, so they had to move the finish to the parking lot below the swinging bridge.  It was chaotic (per people who were there), but it was a good option.  And the race officials are the best.  Andrew and I helped at the Grandfather Mountain marathon on Saturday.  One finisher said the shortened Bear was his PR.  If he added the 3-4 minutes it would have taken him (at least) to get all the way to the top, he would have run his worst time.  So he told Andrew he was keeping 2016 as his PR!  I was sad that Andrew said that afternoon that he wished he could run, but we knew there was just no way after the Wednesday he had.  On the bright side, his knee feels much better; and he is out running on the roads again.  And we were both SO happy to leave the neurologist thinking he did not have seizures those times.  That is a HUGE deal, and we praise God for that.  We did not expect “good” news – how awful of me!  I know God can heal anything – no matter how long, how bad, how unlikely.  He can do anything.

Sam loves his Language Camp.  He was quiet the first 10 minutes Monday and then was totally comfortable.  Yesterday, they went up to the track; and he got to hurdle, high jump, and use the starting blocks.  He said Coach Weaver was there and told him he set a new record doing the high jump in sandals.  He had on sandals, because his school tennis shoes have become a chew toy for one of our dogs, not mentioning any names.  I have been looking for new shoes for him since before school was out, but it’s hard to find his size here.  Since Andrew and I go to Charlotte on Monday to the immunologist, maybe we can find some there!  And then we’ll have to hide them on top of the fridge!  Anyway, this camp is for children with learning difficulties, and it is the only camp some of them go to or can go to.  So they make it extra fun.  And he is having a great time while he is learning.  I am so thankful for those who invest their time in children who have a hard time, for whatever reason.  I don’t know if most summer camps would take Sam and his diabetes, and I have never felt comfortable enough to ask.  So I am thankful he gets to do this.  That is a big deal too, that God totally worked out.

~ “ But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus”

Philippians 4:19 ~

Everyone else is just busy getting things done this summer.  We started Country Church at our church on Saturday nights at 6:00.  Bethel Baptist is really doing it and using our church.  They have bands and then preaching, by Charlie Martin from Bethel.  Pete is so excited to be part of that.  He has wanted to do something on Saturday nights for a long time, and Charlie asked him to help at a different location.  When that location fell through, Pete offered our church which is only five minutes from town on the way to Blowing Rock. 

Peter and Will continue to work every day.  Andrew is Sam’s main person, and he is invaluable.  They even go to get groceries at Walmart together and have a movie planned for Saturday.  Pete has gotten a lot done on the bathroom, and we are excited for the next phase and then to finish!  We are still working on getting more “stuff” out of our house and will probably have to make a few trips to the dump and have another yard sale and donate a ton of stuff before we get to where I would like things to be.  Less is more.  That is trying to be our new motto!  For things on this earth.  My uncle and aunt sent a Christmas letter about getting rid of 75% (?) of their possessions before moving and how it affected them.  Andrew asked if we could do that, and it sounded wonderful.  We cannot hit 75 right now, but we are shooting for something reasonable by summer’s end.  I love to watch organizational shows on Netflix and now like to see how the Tiny House people do it!

We are so blessed.  I think I sometimes have to look back in order to move forward.  I tend to get bogged down.  I have been seeing things that God has worked out that I have already started taking for granted.  That affects my perspective moving forward, and I want it to affect my perspective in the best way.  So I have been looking for all of those blessings I may have missed and concentrating on being thankful for those I remember.  To run into someone or hear from someone at the perfect time is a blessing.  To look up and see two of your children coming to sit by you in church on a Wednesday night is a huge blessing.  To see your children help each other without even thinking about it.  AND, to have grease stains on the fridge handles and pretty white kitchen cabinet doors – now, that is a real blessing (that I could easily miss).  Even those mounds of laundry some days (even though the boys usually do their own) are blessings. 

~ “Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:10

In my devotional, Jesus Calling, I am constantly reminded that the trials on this earth are blessings when they make us more dependent on Him.  I pray I will remember that often.

Thanks for reading this.  We hope you all have a safe and happy summer filled with blessings from God and reminders to you that He is always there and loves you more than you can imagine.

July 7, 2016

I sent this email yesterday.  I must admit my eyes filled with tears today when I thought about going to The Bear.  And then Andrew said he wished he was running it.  But God sent me encouragement.  There is always next year!

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Andrew has had a rough day.  He feels much better now, but he called me mid-morning to tell me he had fast onset terrible fatigue and dizziness.  He also could hardly stand up and could not walk alone.  I put him on speaker phone as I ran out of my office (again) and hurried home.  Sam helped him lay on the couch and move the coffee table away.  I am thankful for my little nurse/helper.  He had his own stuff ready to go by the time I got home.

We got to the doctor, and Carla met us with the wheelchair.  He had labs after Dr. Lonas talked to him a bit.  Since the labs looked good, and Andrew felt he was getting better and not getting worse, we came home a little while ago.  He has had lunch and is resting in his room watching something on his laptop.  He was able to walk to the car and into the house alone.  So that was a good improvement.  He seems to be bouncing back pretty well, though he is very tired.  He will eat more and drink plenty of Gatorade this afternoon.

He had already decided he was not running The Bear which is tomorrow.  His pulmonologist did not tell him not to, but he told Andrew if he was still run down from his rough spring that he could always run it next year - that he had proven himself in that race.  Then he added that he wears his two Bear shirts all of the time and has not yet been asked if he ran the race himself!  We love Dr. Black and how he thinks of things that really help Andrew.  We also have more medicine information if he gets sick again.  

Anyway, because his knee has been bothering him a little bit, he had decided to not run this year.  So today was a bump in his training, but he had already decided not to race tomorrow.

He goes to the neurologist in the next week or so, so we will be checking on what these "episodes" may be.  We tend to assume they are seizures, but Dr. Lonas said we cannot know for sure.  And he said some of the more worrisome reasons should be getting worse.  So we will pray about this and see if we can find out what is causing them or at least check things off the list.  I had already checked his blood sugar yesterday, because we thought he'd lost weight.  He was not happy about having his finger pricked!  He would much rather Carla take it out of his arm!

We also go to his immunologist in a couple of weeks.  He may have some ideas too.  Andrew just finished up his chemistry class and lab, so we are thankful he has that out of the way!

Sam is doing well.  He is going to reading twice a week and has a camp for two weeks starting next week.  He has not been able to go to camp or go spend a week with anyone, so we hope he will have a great time.  I think his teacher makes it so fun they beg to come back.  This year is an Olympic theme.

Peter is working a lot and climbing.  He just started an online class.  He tries to get in 25,000 steps on his fitbit every day.  Will is also working every day and just fixed Andrew's truck for him last week.  

Pete is working and working on our bathroom renovation.  He got all of the floor down except under the vanity.  He was  not sure after the first row, but he kept on.  He has walked with us a little bit, and he has had to run when being pulled up the road by Will's puppy Sadie.  He said Sadie is strong enough to pull cars out of ditches! 

I sometimes wish life could just be mundane and boring.  I start to falter and take my eyes off of Him.  I see my child struggle - any one of them.  I see my husband walking crooked up the road.  I see him pale and worn out after working only a few minutes.  But then God shows me that He will help my children through their struggles - no matter how long or hard.  He gives Pete strength to take breaks and finish what he started.  And he IS walking!  

God knows where my life will lead.  He knows what will happen.  I need to remember that He is in charge.  Joshua 1:9 says  " Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

So I will keep working on that "getting discouraged" part.  I appreciate those around me (and some have no idea) who allow God to use them to encourage me.  

I hope your summer is going well.  It's sure flying by.  It's time to plan something for a couple of days before it's gone!  

Andrew and I look forward to helping at the food tent after the marathon finish on Saturday.  Maybe one day I'll have a marathon finisher in my family!

Thanks for praying for our family!

Why Does THAT Bother Me So?

I read somewhere once that it takes at least 13 positive things to even out one negative.  I think maybe it may be more than 13!

I have been so happy and thankful all weekend for a huge praise.  Will got his diploma.  He did not walk at graduation, but he finished.  I was doubtful at this time last year.  And though I am happy to have that checked off, I am looking at a clear answer to many prayers prayed by people who care about him.

But...as wonderful as that is.  I was knocked down last night and am still struggling with the situation.  I have (wrongly) thought it was my best bet to withdraw when others were ugly to me.  I have thought if I just keep to myself that I can protect myself from mean things.  But then a part of me wants them to know they did not bother me - showing them that they really did!

So, after such an ugly thing, I told Pete I would just withdraw and not put myself in that position.  And he told me that would not show the love of Christ.  He told me I should love with the love of Christ.  Not kill with kindness.  He said that is revenge.  He said to be aware and wait patiently for a chance to be kind or show the love of Jesus.  I sighed and told him that I would probably be waiting a long time for a chance - some people seem so self-sufficient and would not want help from someone like me anyway.

And he told me that I was wrong.  And I am.  It's more hurtful to be treated so by Christians.  So what do I do?

I show the love of Christ.  I stop the hurt already eating me up inside.  I don't nurture the "I'll show them" attitude that is trying to form.

I will try (and try and try) to put myself and my hurt aside and make it about Jesus.  I will not let it get the best of me.  And I will pray that I will be a wonderful example of Christ's love even when I feel so unloved by what happened.

I think that is what I have been trying to learn more and more.  It's not about me.  ME.  me.  It's about Him.

How would He want me to react?  I am trying to remember to keep my focus on Him.  He loves me best.  He knows me best and still loves me.  He offers grace and mercy.  I need to do the same.

Graduation Time

This post is for me last year.  The year that my child should have graduated from high school.  The year that was the hardest I had ever experienced.  The one where I would wake up several times a night not being able to breathe.  Feeling like I was in a dark hole.  Crying out to God to help me.  Waking my husband in the worst ones asking him to pray.  Shedding more tears in months than I had cried in a lifetime (and I am a cryer).

Graduating from high school was not my only concern.  Our only concern.  We went months without seeing our child or hearing from him.  We heard about him from some, and that helped.  But our hearts were broken.  He was gone.  We could only pray.  And pray we did.  Pete always said the best prayers.  My prayer was to bring him home.  Pete's was to let his eyes be open to what God showed him, so he would want to come home.

When Pete was in the hospital after one of his four strokes last spring, I was scared being in the ER with him.  But I was standing only feet from my child that I rarely saw and could only see that part as a blessing.  But then others did not talk to him, and that caused more hurt in my heart.  It's not up to us to be ugly for someone else's sake.  Sometimes that causes more heartbreak.  Even though we feel justified, we are wrong.  Just plain wrong.  That day was the beginning of some scary weeks with Pete.  And that added to my stress and burdens.  I know God carried me through that.  I was constantly crying out to Him.

He did come home last fall.  And he finished his requirements in December.  And he won't walk this year, but he will get his high school diploma.  And I am so happy inside, because of what God has done and what He will continue to do.  I know He is not finished.  He is not finished with any of us.  The ones of us who seem to be doing well.  And those of us who are not.  He will continue to work on us.

"Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:"  Philippians 1:6

So for the parent this year whose heart may be broken, I encourage you to just keep praying.  If you don't know what to pray, just ask God to give that child (or person) what he needs to see God's way.  Step back from emails and facebook and other places that make you shrink back in sadness or shame.  Where you wonder why ALL of the other children turned out so well.  Why did yours have to falter?  Would he still be here if I got him that vehicle that someone else got their child?  Would he still be here if I took him on better vacations all year?  Like others do?  Ask God to put people in your path to help you through - and it's not always who you would think.  Try to limit time with those who ask questions to feed gossip or satisfy their curiosity.  It's okay not to share.  In fact, it's okay to protect your child's privacy.  Don't be afraid to ask for prayer from people you know will pray - even without knowing all of the details.  Because those people already know that God knows - and that is what is important.  And God will give them what to say if they run into that child.  I know, because it happened in our situation.  Be brave when you receive others' announcements in the mail.  Be gracious, but don't feel you have to join in all of the festivities or celebrations when your heart is broken. Instead, take that time and energy to pray and pray some more.  Buy cards for other graduates that have a good Christian message so you can just sign your names and not have to come up with something to write during this time.  Be thankful for those who text or call on tough days just to say they are praying for you.  Even on graduation day.  And they don't expect a response or a call back, because they know you are overwhelmed: and they are not going to add to that.

My experience was out there for people to see.  I knew people talked about our family and my child.  Others told me what they said, because they had some questions themselves!  For information only.  I don't think they were planning on praying.  And that hurt.  A lot.  I avoided Walmart and other places as much as I could for a while.  I did not hear from some people, and that hurt too.  I was relying too much on people.  That burden became too much, and I was able to give it to God and leave it with Him.  And one person told me as hard as it was for it to be out there, that maybe that was better than hidden things.  And I could finally, after a long time, see that as a blessing.  I was not living a lie or living in the dark (about what was going on) during that time.  It was out in the open, and that allowed lots of precious people to pray about it.  And the situation needed lots of prayer.

I ran into people last year I had not seen in years.  And they knew what I was going through without me even telling them.  I met people I had never met before, and God used them to encourage me- because they knew how I felt.  

I would not wish that time on myself again, but I do know without a doubt that God got me through.  My husband knows how hard I cried every day and every night for a long time.  He knew how low I had gotten, and he saw how God pulled me up out of that pit.  And he saw firsthand how God worked in the life of our child.

If you have a child who is causing you to cry, I can only say to constantly turn him or her over to the Lord - Who loves them more than we do.  And if you know someone who has a wayward child, pray for their child and for them.  And don't add to their burden - by gossiping or being judgmental or too righteous.  Try to remember that we are ALL saved by grace.  Our children are not saved by their parents.  They need to be pointed to the only One Who can save them - Jesus Christ Who died for their sins, for all of our sins.  Then they have to make that decision for themselves - because they want to and not because they are expected to. 

I remember one friend who went through a tough time, and her heart was broken. During that time, my friend asked someone for a little help.  And that person felt righteous enough to knock my friend down even more.  And probably in the name of Jesus.  I am thankful my friend had friends who helped her through those dark days and showed her the real love of Jesus - instead of the righteousness of the Pharisees.  That taught me more about trying to be less judgmental (because in some things that is easy for us, but in others it is not).  Jesus would never knock me down lower, and He would not want me to do that to someone else.  He would want me to love and encourage.

When I went through my months of darkness, I had to pray constantly.  It was the only way I could function.  And some people did not understand why I could not do more than what I was doing.  And I had to give that to the Lord too.  I did not want my bad time to be an excuse to be ugly to others or not do what I needed to do each day.  And He walked with me through each day.  Sometimes I called on Him a few times in an hour to help me.  And He did.

I have had to remember that God is my only constant.  He is always there.  When others disappoint (because I know I do) or say hurtful things (because I know I do even if I don't mean to - my dear husband reminded me), God is not like that.  He is always there.  And He is always there to help me.  Not get my way but to get me through.

So, this year I can enjoy pictures more that I see of graduation.  I can breathe easier and not feel that crushing weight that I felt last year.  I know it's not because my child will get his diploma.  It's because God is faithful, and I can see where He walked me through the darkest days.  And we are on the other side.  And I love Him more and depend on Him more than ever.  And that is a blessing.  

On to the next phase of life ~keep praying for my children as they continue on.  Pray for their personal relationships with Jesus Christ.  Pray for them to go on and be servants of God without my help.  I still want to be a good witness and model for them.  But I want their choices to be to please God and do what He has for them - not for their parents.  I love them so much and want them to grow up to be men for God.  And I want them to point others to Christ.  So I will keep on praying.  I want that to be who they are - not what they seem to be.  And some of what we have gone through can lead to that.  And then it will be worth it.  We want God glorified in our lives - through the good and the bad.

All of those Trophies ~ I don't need them anymore!

Sam came downstairs with his arms full ~ of trophies and medals.  He asked, "Mommy, can I keep these? Andrew said he doesn't want them anymore."  I have not looked through each one, but there are lots and lots of running awards.  We got rid of the soccer and other ball trophies years ago in one of our moves.  Andrew kept his Bear stuff - the mugs and medals but did not feel a need to keep anything else.  He is a minimalist, but I can also learn something from him.  He does not need to keep "stuff" to remind him of those good old race days.  He knows what he did and sees no need to advertise it!  And keeping some of the most memorable ones and letting go of the rest made sense to him.

Now, Sam has not accumulated many trophies.  We tried some sports when he was younger, but it was too hard with high or low blood sugars.  We did not want to commit and then not be there.  So he has not had much experience getting many ribbons or medals or trophies.  So Andrew just handed him a treasure.  And he does not care if he (Sam) earned them.  He just likes to have them.  Maybe to build confidence or feel important.  We will put them on a shelf in his room, and one day, hopefully soon, he will not have a need for them.  But right now he is in awe of his big brother's many awards.  And I appreciate the fact that he may want to be like his brother - in the way of working hard and being diligent - but not clinging too tightly to the things of this world - and that includes awards and trophies.  We can be the biggest thing in this world (like Muhammad Ali) but not point others to Christ.  And that is a waste of our time and efforts.  A big waste.

I hope and pray that anything that my family does points to Christ.  That we don't get caught up in taking credit and thinking that we are the best thing or the biggest thing.  We don't want to get caught up at all, but we should want to be vessels - willing to let Christ shine through us.  For God to be glorified in our lives.

We have been cleaning out and getting rid of stuff.  Someone has way too many toys and Legos.  We watched Madame Blueberry in Veggie Tales, and it is so funny to see how much we depend on stuff - in little or big ways - to make us happy.  We can all improve on the stuff we collect.  Sam is still young, but I want him to see that we need to be satisfied with what we have.  Thankful.  So we can have happy hearts.

My yard sale yesterday was a lot of hard work.  Even having "stuff" right inside the front door and carrying it all out is quite an effort!  I sold things for almost nothing - some to help people out and some because I did not want to have to bring it back into my house!  Will took a good truck load to donate.  And I have been sorting some of what is left for another yard sale with friends next week.  I love getting rid of stuff.  I love making a little money.  But I also love giving things away.  I have some friends who want to pay too much to bless me. But I want them to get a lot of stuff they may need so I can bless them.  That is a great problem to have!

So for right now, I will let Sam enjoy his big brother's trophies.  And I will keep teaching him and trying to show him how to be content with what we have.  And to trust God to provide what we need.  I was just talking about how nice it would be to have plenty of money and not have to worry about bills - mostly medicine and medical in our family.  But then, I have to trust God more when the numbers don't all add up in our favor.  And He provides every time.  Every single time.  And that is a blessing to know and experience.

"But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:19

He certainly will provide all of our needs. And that will keep us closer to Him and not as dependent on anything in this world.  That we are just passing through.  I want to lay up treasures in Heaven.  And that does not mean things.  That means being a light so other people will learn about Him and know Him and accept Him as the Savior of the world.  I keep trying to get to the place where I say confidently, "Whatever it takes, Lord.  Please use me."

Thanks for reading!