It got here!

It got here!

I meant to update before.  Sam has strep again, and he felt really bad yesterday and the day before.  This weekend, I was so heartbroken to find out one of my friends lost her brother to diabetes complications.  I have been waking up in the middle of the night to check Sam.  We do that when he is off or sick, but waking up to find something has happened during the night is one of my worst fears with Sam.  Sunday, I was in a good place when I left church.  But then I got the news about my friend’s brother.  And to top that off, the devil took away my credit card and ability to write checks for the rest of the day while I tried to get ready for school and snow!  The bank stuff was the regular safety stuff, but the problems  were not connected; so that is how I know it really was the devil trying to get me.  I cut my errands short and was thankful to get home with what I needed (and I saw God’s provision there too!).

I wanted to write a message about Andrew getting his medicine, but it was so negative.  We had to work so hard to get it.  I mean, really?  He has insurance.  Always has.  I had people offering to raise money to pay for a dose, since he was getting sick and missed his first indoor meet.  He had lost a few pounds, and that is in the top five of things that can freak me out about Andrew.  I always think maybe something is going on that we don’t know yet.  It’s not being paranoid, but it’s just trying to be responsible.  I have shared with you before that I asked God to show me (knock me over the head) anything that needed to be checked.  This happened when Andrew was five, and I remember asking Him – very clearly.  Andrew finally did get his medicine (after many people worked on a seemingly impossible task) and has had two infusions.  We will check his numbers again after I check with his doctor.  He is doing much better and feeling much better.  We are so thankful he has his medicine finally, and I am sorry for what it may have cost him to wait and go without.  But God sees the whole picture, and I don’t.  So my attitude has improved, and Pete is glad I did not have to travel anywhere to talk to someone at the insurance company in person.  After calling the insurance company once again today about a letter in the mail, I was told they don’t know how his stuff is straight – because the rest of our stuff is still a mess.  While at first I was annoyed, I see now that God worked it out for Andrew – who needed it.  And then He let me see it today.  That has helped my attitude and my perspective.  I know He will help me get the other worked out.

With all of the snow and sickness and cold and dreary days, it’s easy to get down.  I am fighting that by trying to look at all of my blessings.  They are truly more than I can count.  I don’t mind cold and snow.  I do mind a cold and dreary attitude.  I don’t think that is what God has for me.  But it’s good to feel what others feel sometimes and try to learn from it whatever we can.

When we talked in Sunday School this week, I was reminded that it’s okay to be somewhere in our lives where we don’t want to be or don’t want to be very long.  It’s the waiting room – as I call it.  If I just knew how long or how it would end up, it would be easier.  That is where faith comes in.  When I get weary, I get anxious.  God tells me not to be anxious for anything – He will take care of me (Philippians 4:6).
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”  Philippians 4:6

That’s for me.  Pray.  Ask.  Be thankful.  But don’t be anxious.

I have been awakened by a shake of my shoulder. And I found my child not responsive on the floor in his room in the middle of the night.  (And that is not the first time I was compelled to check on him and find him in a place where he needed us.)  I have been comforted by a hand on my shoulder – at least a couple of times.  I know Who it was.  I know Who it is.  I have no doubts.  That’s what I strive to remember.  I get caught up in the frustration and fears.  That is human.  But because I know Him, I can remember He is with me.

Google this song if you need a new great song.  It’s great for running or walking or singing in the car at the top of your lungs.  It’s a great reminder.  Come just as we are.  He takes me when I am mean, scared, frustrated, brokenhearted, impatient, selfish, feeling sorry for myself, and all of the other things.  Thank you for praying for my family.


“Come However You Are”   City Harbour


To anyone walking down a hard road
Worn out with blisters on your feet
To anyone with a heart that's shattered
Doing your best to hold it together
With no prayer to pray and no song left to sing

Whatever pain you're dealing with
Let me offer this

Come however you are
Come with all your heart breaks
Come with all the mistakes you've made
Lay them down at the cross
Give them to the God who loves you
Hurt, scarred, falling apart
Come however you are

To the girl who never had a father
To the guy who thinks he'll never
Amount to much of anything
To those of us who feel unwanted, unneeded, Unloved and desperately incomplete

Come however you are
Come with all your heart breaks
Come with all the mistakes you've made
Lay them down at the cross
Give them to the God who loves you
Hurt, scarred, falling apart
Come however you are

Come with your regrets
Come with the things you can't take
Come with all your fears and all your shame
With everything
Come with the pieces of
Your bruised and broken heart
Don't wait, don't wait

Whatever pain you're dealing with
Let me offer this

Come however you are
Come with all your heart breaks
Come with all the mistakes you've made
Lay them down at the cross
Give them to the God who loves you
Hurt, scarred, falling apart
Come however you are

Come however you
Come however you are
Come however you
Come however you are
Come however you
Come however you are
Come however you are

The Graveside Visit

The Graveside Visit        

One of the best visits I had at Christmas was at the grave site of little Katelyn.  I think of Katelyn all year.  I think of her especially on her birthday, November 20 (1991) and on the day she died, Christmas Day (1991).  I try to visit her grave on Christmas Eve.  It is a time to slow down and stop and remember and reflect.  It’s a time to tell her I know she is not there.  It’s a time to cry and remember what is important while we are here on this earth.  My nephew had made his sister a wreath shaped like a cross.  I have seen square wreaths and letter wreaths but not a cross.  I could see where some other special people had remembered Katelyn too and left things there for her.  I had just brought myself, and Pete.

Part of that reminder is that the important things are not hustle and bustle, even though some of us try to do that to have a meaningful Christmas and not just for the craziness of it all.  It reminds me that things are not important.  The visit reminds me that it’s okay if I did not do everything I set out to do.  I have all year to be thoughtful and kind.  I don’t have to rush around and make myself and others miserable.

Visiting Katelyn’s grave reminds me that my family is so very important.  My friends.  All of them.  We just never know when we will not have more time with them here. 

I still did not get to see everyone I wished I could see on Christmas Eve.  I did not get to go to all of the homes and visit all of the loved ones I wished I could.  Sometimes my dad and I would visit eight to ten homes in one swoop.  Other Christmas Eves we stopped after a few because of something that happened.  Once I got to spend several hours alone with someone when the family had a medical emergency during our visit.  It was a sweet sweet time, though unexpected.  And when my sister joined us later, she was able to share it too. 

Above Katelyn’s grave is the one of my great grandfather.  He was my grandfather’s stepfather.  My grandfather’s father was killed in the coal mines when my grandfather was a little boy, the oldest of three.  During the Great Depression, my grandfather helped support his family that included his stepfather and new little brother.  My great grandfather loved my sister.  He loved me too, but she was very special to him.  So it is very fitting that her first little baby is buried right near him.  

Next to him is my great grandmother.  She always made sure I got in the front of the line when tons of family lined up in her small kitchen to make sure I got mashed potatoes.  She made the best, and she knew that was probably all I would eat!   It’s so unreal to see on her stone that she was born in 1899!

Next to my great grandparents are my paternal grandparents.  My grandmother died soon after my great grandmother did in 1996.  Peter was just a baby.  She had battled cancer a few times, and the last time she was home for about a year before she died.  We spent time together in a blizzard after my great grandmother’s funeral.  My grandmother said she wished she could join her in Heaven soon, and she did – at Easter time.  We talked that day, and I read the Bible to her.  It was a special time. 

My grandfather lived several years longer.  He was the most generous man.  He worked hard all of his life.  And he would do anything for us.  I remember him telling me through tears that he prayed for Andrew every night, after Andrew started getting illnesses.  He also liked to always try to slip me a $100 bill.   My mom told me to take it sometimes – it was his way of helping.  He died after suffering two aneurysms.  I stayed with him a lot in the hospital during what was supposed to be a girls’ weekend.  I remember getting to the hospital and seeing him after my brother called.  My brother-in-law took me to eat and filled me in.  When the family went to church Sunday, I spent that time alone with him.  We had gone through photo albums, and I told him stories of all of the great grandchildren.  Some of his dear friends, one a Virginia delegate, came to visit him on their way to church.  He was a much loved man who did more than we will ever know.  I still picked up the phone to call him at special times even years after he was gone. 

Even though it is sad when I miss them, I also realize how very blessed I have been in my life.  I still am very blessed with the family and friends God has given to me.  He has put so many wonderful people in my life.  To me, it’s amazing just how many there are.

The best part about the visit is knowing I will see them again.  And when I lose someone else, I know I will see them again if they go to Heaven.  There is an urgency to tell people and point them in that direction.  I feel it more and more as I get older.  I hope this year to be a better step for people to send them in the right direction so they can know the saving grace of my Savior. 

Merry Christmas From Our Family!

Merry Christmas from Our Family!

As I sit here on a cold Saturday morning in Boone, I am listening to the soft tapping of sleet and hoping Peter gets back safely from his run on campus.  I have two hunters in Virginia, but I hesitate to call them as they will be watching for deer.  My other two are probably being spoiled in Virginia.  I cannot wait to have everyone home tonight!

I spent many hours working on my Christmas cards last night.  If you don't get one and want one, please email me your address.  I have a huge list, but I don't have everyone on there I know.  It's vandenbergwj@charter.net.  I love to send Christmas cards, maybe because I love getting them!  As my list has grown over the years, I cannot put a personal message in each; so I have resigned myself to the picture card.  In my haste to get them printed this year, I only had a picture and Merry Christmas.  My sister took the picture at the beach this summer when we celebrated my parents' 50th wedding anniversary.  My parents eloped and were married in Boone on King Street at First Baptist Church.  They came over from Abingdon, VA.  How funny that I ended up living here, and that our family has so many ties to Boone and Appalachian.

I love reading Christmas letters.  I sometimes wish we could have done more ourselves throughout the year.  I sometimes wish my year had been like someone else's.  But I think as I get older, I appreciate more and more what HE has for me.  Just me.  Sometimes I am happy to get through a day.  And that is enough.  And I have some people that I don't know that I follow on a blog, and they help my perspective.  And then I have a lot of people that I DO know, and they help my perspective.

In one conversation earlier this year, I said to someone that I had become someone no one wished to be.  That was an honest feeling, but it was also a revelation to me.  Do I want to be the person whose life seems so perfect that everyone wished they could be like me? But the real revelation is that that is not me and not what I should strive for.  I want to be that person who cannot do things on her own, and that makes it easier for people to see what God does in my life.

 I sit here with tears in my eyes thinking of a lot (I cannot even begin to remember all right now) of the precious reminders God gives me through the people He surrounds me with.  And some of you don't even know!  When God uses you, you don't always know it.  So please don't ever give up doing His work, because it reaps benefits.  It either keeps someone like me going, or it points another to His way.

Psalm 56:8 says that God has recorded all of my wanderings and put all of my tears in a bottle.  The rest of this Psalm is about David trusting in God, and he was not afraid of what man would do to him.  I know God sees me at my worst - when I am mean, when I am sad, when I am frustrated, when I want to give up, when I wonder, when I just want things the way I want them!  But I know God cares about every single tear I cry.  He cares about all of my hopes and all of my crushed dreams.  And He loves me more than I can imagine.

Which brings us to Christmas.  So much of my life is survival upon this earth.  But when we leave, where will we go?  If we know, we can have no fear.  A way was made for us by the ONLY Son of God.  When Jesus was born, he bridged the gap sin placed between us and eternal life with God.  All we have to do is believe Jesus is the Son of God and that He died on the cross for our sins - being the only perfect sacrifice (John 3:16 and John 14:6).  And then we know where we will go.  We have peace about that.  We want to share with others. This is why I celebrate Christmas, the birth of my King, my Savior, my Lord, the One Who loves me the most.

Recently, something scary happened.  And I heard Pete remark to someone that the person with the emergency knew where he was going when he died.  And though it is still awful and scary, what a difference that is.  If he had died, he would be with Jesus.  And he knows it.

****************

Just a quick update on our family:

Pete was called into the ministry earlier this year.  He is under the watch care of our own church.  He has already been teaching Sunday School for a long time and has added some preaching to his list.  We were sad that he participated in his first funeral recently for a dear woman who sat in front of us in church since the boys were little.  She never moved.  She was such a blessing, and we miss her; but it was so peaceful to see someone nearing her life's end who looked forward to seeing her Savior.  She did not talk much about herself but always steered conversations to Jesus.  Pete has been to the Holy Land twice this year and still loves that trip.

Andrew is a sophomore at Appalachian and runs on the varsity cross country team.  He works hard to make great grades and helps clean with Pete or keeps Sam to earn some extra money.  He continues on his infusion therapy once a week and has not had many respiratory illnesses this year.  We still continue to try to find other things to help keep him healthy, and he has a great attitude and great determination.

Peter is a freshman at Appalachian and lives in his dad's old residence hall.  He works on campus part-time and is greeted by a very happy blond boy with glasses when he makes it home.  He recently came to eat dinner with a few of his friends, and Sam was on Cloud 9 having him here.  He is running a little here and there and keeps very busy on campus.  I offer to wash his clothes, but I think he really likes doing his own laundry at school!  He still plans on majoring in business - where his dad was.

Will is a junior at Watauga High School.  He ran cross country this fall and has been busy hunting since the season began.  He has started putting up crown molding in our den and is going to make a new mantle for me soon.  He still bikes and rides whatever he can get on.  He is my worker who is always into something.  Sam just said recently that he wished Will was his twin so they could go to school together and be in the same class.

Sam is in the third grade.  He still has difficulties reading but is on a good track this year.  His diabetes is about the same, and he is very cooperative with his constant care.  He will bring an apple and his insulin pen, resigning himself to a shot when he wants to eat!  He checks his own blood sugar at school and gets everyone moving quickly when he gets low.  We are so thankful that he is around people who love him and care for him while he is at school!  He still loves Legos and Playmobil and spends hours in his room setting up scenes or putting new sets together.  He is quick to hug and tell us he loves us.

I still work at Blue Ridge Peds, and they all were on deck to help us when I had to run and get Andrew the other day when he could not see well or hardly walk.  It brought tears to see them with the wheelchair to get him, but also that they made him feel like a celebrity and not one bit bad or scared.  Before we left, almost everyone had checked on Andrew and me.  They are a great group of caring people.  We are certainly blessed with them.

Our family is so thankful for all of the wonderful friends and family God has given to us.  We wish you a Merry Christmas and hope it's the best and most meaningful yet!

Tough day...again

Today has been tough, and I am glad it’s almost time for Shark Tank!  It is rainy here and dreary, but that gives me a sense of peace tonight.  I am tired and weary.  I am frustrated and disappointed.  But most of all, I am thankful; and I have to let those feelings win.  Because even though it was tough, there were so many people helping and so many blessings.

Andrew woke up a little out of it.  He said he had trouble going to sleep and did not sleep well.  But he fell asleep two times on the way to take Sam and then for me to drop him off.  We had worked out our schedules so I could leave to go to “The Lodge” today with the girls.  Hence, the disappointment that I could not go after what happened.  I know I needed the break and the girl time and the sister time.  But I know that the bigger picture is the bigger picture.  And my sweet girls have already made some plans a little later for us, so it immediately gives me something fun to look to.

Anyway, I try not to bug Andrew, but I told him to call me if he felt bad or weird.  He had a paper to turn in, and he had a presentation.  He seemed worn out, but I decided not to worry but to watch my phone closely in case he called.  He did call.  He was talking slowly and with much effort.  He said he was feeling weird, almost like a drunk person looks.  He said that he had some double vision and could not read words off his computer.  Then he said it was weird, but his legs were not working very well.  He thought he would just take a nap before class.  I told him I would be right there.  By the time I got to him, he was not slurring his words but almost.  He was walking like Frankenstein, very jerky and trying very hard, too hard.  I hurried him right to the doctor’s office.  My sweet nurse friends took him up to the office in a wheelchair where his talking became stuttering.  They were assessing him while rolling him in, and I had run to park my car.

In the office, his blood pressure was high.  He could barely walk, and his double vision would come and go.  But he was still being a pleasant patient and smiling and talking, even joking a little, with the nurses.  So his mood was great even though he had a lot going on.

After labs and his blood pressure coming down on its own, Dr. Adams determined that he could leave.  His walking was improving at that point too.  Dr. Adams told Andrew he may have been trying to have a seizure when everything went into slow motion and confusion and his legs would not work.  But he said if it was that, it was good that it did not turn all the way into one.  And we have to look at any positive we can get!
We went to campus and printed his paper and turned it in and went to his presentation.  I was, of course, staying in the background.  At that point, I could barely keep up with him; and he was getting a little bit grumpy.  He was determined to go help at the track meet, but I told him he would not like it if something happened.  So he agreed to come home and rest.  He was worn out by then anyway.  The turnaround, though, had been amazing to watch.

His neurologist is out of town, but the one on call told Dr. Adams to tell us to watch him and call if anything else happened.  We are praying nothing does!

I know what made a huge difference today was what surrounded me.  There were so many friends who were encouraging and concerned and helpful.  They just kind of took over and quietly helped.  It made things so much easier.  And the calls and texts I got from the girls helped a lot too.  I knew people were praying for him.

We had dinner here last night, and we had six college guys and two high school guys eating.  When all of the college guys disappeared, we found them in Sam's room looking at his Legos.  Sam cannot wait for them to come back and see his Playmobil people too.  It was so nice to have them here, and we will start doing it more often.  Andrew had a good night with friends, and I am glad it was last night and not messed up by today.

Sam came home from school over 400 even though he had good numbers throughout the day.  I think he is back to a good place now.  I just always worry that strep has crept in when those numbers pop up unexpectedly!

Please pray for Andrew as he studies for exams.  He has worked so hard this semester, and he needs his brain to cooperate.  We keep praying these seizures go away and stay away.
And I am going to focus on being thankful.  I still think it’s a good idea to watch my sad movies that make me cry – just so the tears don’t come out as meanness later on!   And I know that God knows all about my fears and frustrations.  I came across this verse again this week.  Mrs. Thrasher gave it to me years ago:

“You keep track of all my sorrows.  You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
    You have recorded each one in your book.”  Psalm 56:8

He knows how I feel, and He cares.  He collects all my tears, and this is important to Him because He loves us.

Thanks for praying.

Quick Update

Andrew went to his immunologist early (b/c of insurance changes coming soon), so it was pretty routine.  We did labs, but we did not check his IG levels this time.  That was a little odd to me, but I think it was because he has gone all fall without any serious infections.  He had a terrible upper respiratory something when he ran his regional meet up in Charlottesville, VA, but he ran a great 10K.  His liver levels are still up on the higher end of normal but were actually down a little from a couple of weeks ago.  I very much dislike going back to the numbers watch, but it seems that that is what I do.

We also met with his neurologist and increased his meds a little bit.  We talked a lot about options that are running out and maybe other options.  Please pray for clear guidance.  And please still pray for healing.  I feel as Andrew reaches age 20 that I have run out of my encouraging words from others I have held onto for many years.  The teacher who told me he believed God told him to call me one day and tell me about his own son.  The people who knew someone who struggled with seizures but went to college and never had another.  Only God and I know what they all are, and I would explain; but it’s too difficult.  But I have held onto these stories that people have told me.  The scenarios seemed like they could work…but they haven’t for him.  I know he can have his own story.  I know he does.  But in coping all of these years, I have held onto some hope that involves me making things okay by a certain time.  I feel like we are running out of time.

When the nurse measured Andrew the other day, she rattled off numbers and then said his height, which was a full inch above what I thought.  Well, she miscalculated as I thought of the first number.  My hope sparked and then just deflated.  It seems he has run out of time to grow.  I have had the talk about height from so many doctors.  I have wanted to yell at someone!  Looking back, I feel like I did not push hard enough.  I missed the opportunity to help him.  I trusted people who were not helping him as much as I thought they were.  I know he is hard to treat.  I just wish I had taken him other places sooner and not been so nice.  I wish I had been pushier.  Then I think that I am wrong.  I know God knows.  I know He can still make Andrew grow.  I know Andrew does not have to.  I just look at it as MY failure.  And in this case, I do appreciate those of you who remind me how much your brothers or friends grew in college! 

I think I equate Andrew growing with his body finally healing and getting on track.  I know maybe that is not what is meant to be.  And that is hard to accept.  I realize as he gets older that it’s harder and harder for me.  I wanted to be able to send him out on his own in a good, stable way.  I am scared that I cannot yet do that.  On the other hand, he can make his decisions now – which can be good and bad.  We will be happy to help him, but it’s up to him.  I appreciate that he listens and takes part more in what is discussed.   And I am learning to let go more and more.  And that is hard.  Not because I am a control freak but because I want him to understand the whole story.

Please just pray for Andrew ~ that he can shake off some of these illnesses with such dreary futures and that he makes good decisions for his own health. 

Sam is good.  He has had some extreme lows and some unexplained highs.  But we love seeing those numbers in the 100’s.  When I checked him and showed him a 55 today, he fell back on the couch and stuck his tongue out of the side of his mouth being dramatic.  He knew he should feel bad, so he must not have been 55 long.  I told Pete at least he is recognizing more and more what those numbers mean so he can do something about it.  And I so appreciate his sense of humor.

Peter is home for Thanksgiving, and we have enjoyed actually spending a little time with him!  We miss him even though he is right across town.  And Will is good – just trying to get a deer.  I must admit I feel relief when he comes in without one again.

Thank you for your prayers.  Thank you for your encouragement.  We are so thankful.

Happy Birthday ~ Katelyn Elizabeth Ball

I cannot believe tomorrow is Katelyn's 22nd birthday. She has celebrated all of her birthdays in Heaven ~ if there is a need to celebrate when in Heaven on just certain days! I got a text this morning from a dear friend/sister. She asked something, and I knew exactly what she was asking about ~ Katelyn. We all come back to this place this time of year. It's sad, but it's so much more than that. The first years were hard because Katelyn was the first baby in the family and for most of our friends. We did not yet know about all of the blessings that would come. So we felt the loss and felt it very acutely.  We still feel the loss, but we can see how God has worked; and that gives us hope and peace.

 November 20th will always be a day of reflection for me. I can still feel that cinder block wall. I still remember having my brother right there with me ~ knowing exactly how I was feeling and sharing that time of sorrow and concern. I can see my mom sitting in the waiting room. I can see my aunt talking to my uncle. The memories are so sharp. I remember Little Caesars in Winston and the chair that a nurse brought outside the NICU for me to sit on while Whitney visited in the nursery. I remember driving my grandfather back to the road to go home in a small rental car. So many memories half my lifetime ago ~ that seem like yesterday.

I know He lives. And I know we will see her and others we have lost. What a blessing and what hope we have. If you don't have that, please ask someone about it now. The gift of eternal life is free and just needs to be accepted.


This is last year's post ~~~~~

I wrote this original post two years ago. I just read it again...and cried. It seems like it could not be 21 years ago, and then it seems like a lifetime ago. The first weeks were the hardest. Then the first months. God was with us. He is still with us even now - He never left. Never will.

I know one of God's tiniest angels
She slipped into our lives one cold night
Not meant to stay for long
This precious little bundle
She taught us love in her short time on earth
And when it was time to go
She slipped out of our lives
But not out of our hearts
Where she will stay
And we will see her again...in Heaven
(a revision of the poem I wrote a year after she died)

Every year is one year closer...

2011 Post This is actually last year's post. I just read it and cried. But it says what I would want to say again. I am adding some song lyrics to the end. So this is a long one.

Happy Birthday this weekend to my precious little tiny Katelyn Elizabeth Ball. Every day is one day closer to seeing her again (and those great grandparents mentioned in this post!). Thinking of the family and friends and praying that her life will still have a strong impact. ~~~~~~~~

I can remember it like it was just last week. I arrived at Forsyth Hospital in Winston where my sister was in labor with her first baby. She had found out about a month before that the baby was not growing and developing. We knew some of what could be, but we did not know much. I found her watching Little House on the Prairie while nurses hovered nearby and lots of doctors were readying to attend the birth. Because Katelyn was my sister's first baby, they really wanted to do everything they could for her and my sister. My dad would check on Whitney periodically, but he would turn a greenish color and have to leave. My aunt was begging my uncle for a cigarette, but he kept reminding her calmly that she had stopped smoking. I remember arriving, checking on Whitney and Dwayne, going to the Hanes Mall to eat (and not even being tempted to shop!) while we waited...and waited.

Then I fast forward to sitting in the hall straight up against a cinder block wall. Katelyn was there, and Whitney was fine. The doctors did not think that tiny baby would make it through the night. One of her pediatricians had mercy on Russell and me and invited us to say hi to Katelyn before they took her to Baptist just a little bit away. She was as long as a newborn because she was term, but she weighed less than three pounds. I remember yellow. Her hair or her skin. And I remember loving her with everything I had. And I remember how my arms ached so badly to hold her. Now I can grab one of the other children to hold when I feel that ache, but then there was no baby to hold. And we could not hold her. I am sure Russell and I prayed for her and over her. And that was one of the only times I was within an arm's length in her whole five weeks.

In the NICU, there are very strict rules with very good reason. Still, I drove to Stuart, VA, every weekend to spend time with Whitney and go with her to the hospital even though it meant sitting on the outside. I got a couple of glimpses, and Dwayne took some pictures. No digital cameras back then! And there is a video. I ached to hold this baby, see her, and get to know her. And somehow through the wall, I was able to do just that - get to know her through pieces of information and pictures. She was supposed to have only part of a kidney. She had more than they thought. She scooted in her tiny bassinet. She scrunched her face and tried to hide from Santa Claus visiting the sick babies. In her little life, she did have personality and fight and determination. And oh was she loved.

My grandparents arrived one day to see her. My grandmother announced to my grandfather that she was going to see the baby - whether he took her or not. They totaled their very large (enormous really) Cadillac on the way to see her - in Cana, VA. It was a multi-car accident where one car stopped suddenly and several cars bumped into the back of each other. My grandparents had to rent a car half the size of theirs and continue on the trip. They got to go in and see her - because they were great grandparents and not just aunts. My grandmother came out and said of my sister, "Well, she has herself a real live baby doll." That meant so much to my sister.

Whitney and I would stop at Little Caesar's in Winston to treat ourselves to Crazy Bread before returning to their home way out in the country. Dwayne worked the night shift a lot, so Whitney appreciated the time I could come. While I was there one weekend with another friend, one of their two dogs came back shot. The other never returned. We searched all over the area where they lived and realized that no one cared if they shot someone else's dog - especially someone with a dying baby. It was a bleak, sad time. I was in charge of cleaning the bathroom when I was there. I put myself in that job. I cleaned that tub so much it's a wonder the finish did not come off. It's hard to know what to do with the energy and feelings and aches sometimes. 

Dwayne and Whitney came to Bristol on Christmas Eve in 1991, intending to spend a little time with family and return to the hospital and Katelyn on Christmas Day. I remember the phone ringing in the wee hours of the morning. It was the hospital - no cell phones back then. They cared enough to know where to find them. Dwayne and Whitney rushed to Baptist. By the time we got there a little later, Katelyn was gone. I still remember every Christmas how that felt. Again, I can grab a child now and hold him or her; and for that, I am so thankful.

I try to go and visit her grave on Christmas Eve so I can tell her I love her - even though I know she is not there. It's just a quiet place for reflection and to thank God for what He has given our family and blessed us with.

That time was a hard time in my life too. I took time off from my life the next few months and returned to school to start on a second degree. Thankfully, God worked out my own situation; and I returned to North Carolina and my own life that had seemed suspended for a few months. I remember people being so kind and helpful and thoughtful and supportive. And I still remember times of being so hurt by something someone said that I did not feel I could stand it. Sometimes I remember to keep my mouth closed. I would not want to cause that same pain and confusion for someone else. I appreciate those who quietly prayed for all of us and were there when we needed them - not just pretending to care but allowing God to use them to minister to and sustain our family.

I know one of God's tiniest angels. She slipped into our lives one cold night not meant to stay for long. And when it was time to go, she slipped out again. But she left us with something so hard to explain. In her short little life, she made such a huge impact. I cannot wait to see her again and hold her. I don't know what she will look like in Heaven, and I don't have to know. I just know I will see her, and I will know who she is! 

Happy 19th Birthday to Katelyn Elizabeth Ball. Thank you for affecting my life in such a wonderful and loving way - even though it is not empty of hurt and pain. I love you so much, and I am so happy to know you are with the One Who loves us the most. ~~~~~ Even though it was indeed scary, her parents loved her without reservation. A lot of us did. And though it has been hard without her here, we have that HOPE that we will see her again. She is worth every falling tear ~ just as they all are!

All of Me (Matt Hammitt)

Afraid to love
Something that could break
Could I move on
If you were torn away
 And I'm so close
To what I can't control
I can't give you half my heart
And pray He makes you whole

You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start

 I won't let sadness
Steal you from my arms
I won't let pain
Keep you from my heart
I dread the fear
Of all that I could lose
For every moment
I'll share with you

You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start

And Heaven brought you to this moment
It's too wonderful to speak
You're worth all of me
You're worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you
Even if I bleed
You're worth all of me
You're worth all of me

You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start

You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start
It's where I'll start

You're an Overcomer!

I continue to see things that God put in place for us the other night. And I know there are so many more. I was thinking this morning. My sister-in-law left me a message the other day that said she had heard a song and had told me that when she hears it, she will think of me. She heard it and called to tell me she thought of me and to remember that I am an overcomer. The point of the song is that through Jesus we can be overcomers - not give up and give in to circumstances and hardships. I cried because the message was sweet. I appreciated the reminder but always want to be quick to point out that I alone am not anything. Only by His grace, mercy, and love can I do anything. And I know that is what Cindy was reminding me. I also probably felt a little "Uh oh", but I shrugged it off thinking that we had done well while Pete was gone. No one was very sick. We had a couple of low blood sugars (and some highs) but nothing we could not handle. We had gotten Will to school by 7:00 every morning for 0 block welding. That was a huge feat. We had done some major cleaning while Pete was gone and had even begun crown molding in the den (Will). So I saw how God was helping me take care of my responsibilities AND the things I needed to get done - the usual things of fall cleaning and organizing and just trying to simplify life. Cindy is so sweet. She always has been. She is way way above me on the sweetness scale. Reverend Thrasher used to say, "You remind me of my sweet little Cindy." That made me feel pangs of guilt, because I knew Cindy was so much sweeter than I am! Then I went to spend two weeks with Cindy when she lived in England. We had a chance to talk (I think I woke up talking, and I fell asleep talking!) and just do everything together for two weeks. I did not have any children yet, but Whitney was expecting at home. And Cindy was not yet even dating my brother. We became like sisters. And then I realized what Reverend Thrasher meant. We were a lot alike in the way we thought and what bothered us and what we needed to talk about. That made me feel so much better. Not only did I find a forever friend, sister, and ally, but I knew it did not matter if Cindy was sweeter than I am. She is a gift. A gift of someone who understands me and slips in quietly and is just there. She does the most thoughtful things and brings a comfort that only people with that God-given gift can bring. Today, as I remember her message, I know God was using Cindy once again to encourage me. He does - even if we don't see it clearly. But we feel it. He is our only constant. Our only Hope. How wonderful to have people who slip in and remind us of these things. I have some of the most wonderful family and friends anyone could have. I am so blessed. I don't know why God chose to give me so many supportive people, but He certainly did. I will update soon and not leave this blog hanging like I have been doing lately. I want to share what God is doing, because it helps me so much that others need to hear. He hears us where we are. He is with us where we are. He loves us where we are. Always. If my people stayed silent and did not share, I would not get those blessings He intended.