I read somewhere once that it takes at least 13 positive things to even out one negative. I think maybe it may be more than 13!
I have been so happy and thankful all weekend for a huge praise. Will got his diploma. He did not walk at graduation, but he finished. I was doubtful at this time last year. And though I am happy to have that checked off, I am looking at a clear answer to many prayers prayed by people who care about him.
But...as wonderful as that is. I was knocked down last night and am still struggling with the situation. I have (wrongly) thought it was my best bet to withdraw when others were ugly to me. I have thought if I just keep to myself that I can protect myself from mean things. But then a part of me wants them to know they did not bother me - showing them that they really did!
So, after such an ugly thing, I told Pete I would just withdraw and not put myself in that position. And he told me that would not show the love of Christ. He told me I should love with the love of Christ. Not kill with kindness. He said that is revenge. He said to be aware and wait patiently for a chance to be kind or show the love of Jesus. I sighed and told him that I would probably be waiting a long time for a chance - some people seem so self-sufficient and would not want help from someone like me anyway.
And he told me that I was wrong. And I am. It's more hurtful to be treated so by Christians. So what do I do?
I show the love of Christ. I stop the hurt already eating me up inside. I don't nurture the "I'll show them" attitude that is trying to form.
I will try (and try and try) to put myself and my hurt aside and make it about Jesus. I will not let it get the best of me. And I will pray that I will be a wonderful example of Christ's love even when I feel so unloved by what happened.
I think that is what I have been trying to learn more and more. It's not about me. ME. me. It's about Him.
How would He want me to react? I am trying to remember to keep my focus on Him. He loves me best. He knows me best and still loves me. He offers grace and mercy. I need to do the same.
Wednesday, June 15, 2016
Sunday, June 5, 2016
Graduation Time
This post is for me last year. The year that my child should have graduated from high school. The year that was the hardest I had ever experienced. The one where I would wake up several times a night not being able to breathe. Feeling like I was in a dark hole. Crying out to God to help me. Waking my husband in the worst ones asking him to pray. Shedding more tears in months than I had cried in a lifetime (and I am a cryer).
Graduating from high school was not my only concern. Our only concern. We went months without seeing our child or hearing from him. We heard about him from some, and that helped. But our hearts were broken. He was gone. We could only pray. And pray we did. Pete always said the best prayers. My prayer was to bring him home. Pete's was to let his eyes be open to what God showed him, so he would want to come home.
When Pete was in the hospital after one of his four strokes last spring, I was scared being in the ER with him. But I was standing only feet from my child that I rarely saw and could only see that part as a blessing. But then others did not talk to him, and that caused more hurt in my heart. It's not up to us to be ugly for someone else's sake. Sometimes that causes more heartbreak. Even though we feel justified, we are wrong. Just plain wrong. That day was the beginning of some scary weeks with Pete. And that added to my stress and burdens. I know God carried me through that. I was constantly crying out to Him.
He did come home last fall. And he finished his requirements in December. And he won't walk this year, but he will get his high school diploma. And I am so happy inside, because of what God has done and what He will continue to do. I know He is not finished. He is not finished with any of us. The ones of us who seem to be doing well. And those of us who are not. He will continue to work on us.
"Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:" Philippians 1:6
So for the parent this year whose heart may be broken, I encourage you to just keep praying. If you don't know what to pray, just ask God to give that child (or person) what he needs to see God's way. Step back from emails and facebook and other places that make you shrink back in sadness or shame. Where you wonder why ALL of the other children turned out so well. Why did yours have to falter? Would he still be here if I got him that vehicle that someone else got their child? Would he still be here if I took him on better vacations all year? Like others do? Ask God to put people in your path to help you through - and it's not always who you would think. Try to limit time with those who ask questions to feed gossip or satisfy their curiosity. It's okay not to share. In fact, it's okay to protect your child's privacy. Don't be afraid to ask for prayer from people you know will pray - even without knowing all of the details. Because those people already know that God knows - and that is what is important. And God will give them what to say if they run into that child. I know, because it happened in our situation. Be brave when you receive others' announcements in the mail. Be gracious, but don't feel you have to join in all of the festivities or celebrations when your heart is broken. Instead, take that time and energy to pray and pray some more. Buy cards for other graduates that have a good Christian message so you can just sign your names and not have to come up with something to write during this time. Be thankful for those who text or call on tough days just to say they are praying for you. Even on graduation day. And they don't expect a response or a call back, because they know you are overwhelmed: and they are not going to add to that.
My experience was out there for people to see. I knew people talked about our family and my child. Others told me what they said, because they had some questions themselves! For information only. I don't think they were planning on praying. And that hurt. A lot. I avoided Walmart and other places as much as I could for a while. I did not hear from some people, and that hurt too. I was relying too much on people. That burden became too much, and I was able to give it to God and leave it with Him. And one person told me as hard as it was for it to be out there, that maybe that was better than hidden things. And I could finally, after a long time, see that as a blessing. I was not living a lie or living in the dark (about what was going on) during that time. It was out in the open, and that allowed lots of precious people to pray about it. And the situation needed lots of prayer.
I ran into people last year I had not seen in years. And they knew what I was going through without me even telling them. I met people I had never met before, and God used them to encourage me- because they knew how I felt.
I would not wish that time on myself again, but I do know without a doubt that God got me through. My husband knows how hard I cried every day and every night for a long time. He knew how low I had gotten, and he saw how God pulled me up out of that pit. And he saw firsthand how God worked in the life of our child.
If you have a child who is causing you to cry, I can only say to constantly turn him or her over to the Lord - Who loves them more than we do. And if you know someone who has a wayward child, pray for their child and for them. And don't add to their burden - by gossiping or being judgmental or too righteous. Try to remember that we are ALL saved by grace. Our children are not saved by their parents. They need to be pointed to the only One Who can save them - Jesus Christ Who died for their sins, for all of our sins. Then they have to make that decision for themselves - because they want to and not because they are expected to.
I remember one friend who went through a tough time, and her heart was broken. During that time, my friend asked someone for a little help. And that person felt righteous enough to knock my friend down even more. And probably in the name of Jesus. I am thankful my friend had friends who helped her through those dark days and showed her the real love of Jesus - instead of the righteousness of the Pharisees. That taught me more about trying to be less judgmental (because in some things that is easy for us, but in others it is not). Jesus would never knock me down lower, and He would not want me to do that to someone else. He would want me to love and encourage.
When I went through my months of darkness, I had to pray constantly. It was the only way I could function. And some people did not understand why I could not do more than what I was doing. And I had to give that to the Lord too. I did not want my bad time to be an excuse to be ugly to others or not do what I needed to do each day. And He walked with me through each day. Sometimes I called on Him a few times in an hour to help me. And He did.
I have had to remember that God is my only constant. He is always there. When others disappoint (because I know I do) or say hurtful things (because I know I do even if I don't mean to - my dear husband reminded me), God is not like that. He is always there. And He is always there to help me. Not get my way but to get me through.
So, this year I can enjoy pictures more that I see of graduation. I can breathe easier and not feel that crushing weight that I felt last year. I know it's not because my child will get his diploma. It's because God is faithful, and I can see where He walked me through the darkest days. And we are on the other side. And I love Him more and depend on Him more than ever. And that is a blessing.
On to the next phase of life ~keep praying for my children as they continue on. Pray for their personal relationships with Jesus Christ. Pray for them to go on and be servants of God without my help. I still want to be a good witness and model for them. But I want their choices to be to please God and do what He has for them - not for their parents. I love them so much and want them to grow up to be men for God. And I want them to point others to Christ. So I will keep on praying. I want that to be who they are - not what they seem to be. And some of what we have gone through can lead to that. And then it will be worth it. We want God glorified in our lives - through the good and the bad.
Graduating from high school was not my only concern. Our only concern. We went months without seeing our child or hearing from him. We heard about him from some, and that helped. But our hearts were broken. He was gone. We could only pray. And pray we did. Pete always said the best prayers. My prayer was to bring him home. Pete's was to let his eyes be open to what God showed him, so he would want to come home.
When Pete was in the hospital after one of his four strokes last spring, I was scared being in the ER with him. But I was standing only feet from my child that I rarely saw and could only see that part as a blessing. But then others did not talk to him, and that caused more hurt in my heart. It's not up to us to be ugly for someone else's sake. Sometimes that causes more heartbreak. Even though we feel justified, we are wrong. Just plain wrong. That day was the beginning of some scary weeks with Pete. And that added to my stress and burdens. I know God carried me through that. I was constantly crying out to Him.
He did come home last fall. And he finished his requirements in December. And he won't walk this year, but he will get his high school diploma. And I am so happy inside, because of what God has done and what He will continue to do. I know He is not finished. He is not finished with any of us. The ones of us who seem to be doing well. And those of us who are not. He will continue to work on us.
"Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:" Philippians 1:6
So for the parent this year whose heart may be broken, I encourage you to just keep praying. If you don't know what to pray, just ask God to give that child (or person) what he needs to see God's way. Step back from emails and facebook and other places that make you shrink back in sadness or shame. Where you wonder why ALL of the other children turned out so well. Why did yours have to falter? Would he still be here if I got him that vehicle that someone else got their child? Would he still be here if I took him on better vacations all year? Like others do? Ask God to put people in your path to help you through - and it's not always who you would think. Try to limit time with those who ask questions to feed gossip or satisfy their curiosity. It's okay not to share. In fact, it's okay to protect your child's privacy. Don't be afraid to ask for prayer from people you know will pray - even without knowing all of the details. Because those people already know that God knows - and that is what is important. And God will give them what to say if they run into that child. I know, because it happened in our situation. Be brave when you receive others' announcements in the mail. Be gracious, but don't feel you have to join in all of the festivities or celebrations when your heart is broken. Instead, take that time and energy to pray and pray some more. Buy cards for other graduates that have a good Christian message so you can just sign your names and not have to come up with something to write during this time. Be thankful for those who text or call on tough days just to say they are praying for you. Even on graduation day. And they don't expect a response or a call back, because they know you are overwhelmed: and they are not going to add to that.
My experience was out there for people to see. I knew people talked about our family and my child. Others told me what they said, because they had some questions themselves! For information only. I don't think they were planning on praying. And that hurt. A lot. I avoided Walmart and other places as much as I could for a while. I did not hear from some people, and that hurt too. I was relying too much on people. That burden became too much, and I was able to give it to God and leave it with Him. And one person told me as hard as it was for it to be out there, that maybe that was better than hidden things. And I could finally, after a long time, see that as a blessing. I was not living a lie or living in the dark (about what was going on) during that time. It was out in the open, and that allowed lots of precious people to pray about it. And the situation needed lots of prayer.
I would not wish that time on myself again, but I do know without a doubt that God got me through. My husband knows how hard I cried every day and every night for a long time. He knew how low I had gotten, and he saw how God pulled me up out of that pit. And he saw firsthand how God worked in the life of our child.
If you have a child who is causing you to cry, I can only say to constantly turn him or her over to the Lord - Who loves them more than we do. And if you know someone who has a wayward child, pray for their child and for them. And don't add to their burden - by gossiping or being judgmental or too righteous. Try to remember that we are ALL saved by grace. Our children are not saved by their parents. They need to be pointed to the only One Who can save them - Jesus Christ Who died for their sins, for all of our sins. Then they have to make that decision for themselves - because they want to and not because they are expected to.
I remember one friend who went through a tough time, and her heart was broken. During that time, my friend asked someone for a little help. And that person felt righteous enough to knock my friend down even more. And probably in the name of Jesus. I am thankful my friend had friends who helped her through those dark days and showed her the real love of Jesus - instead of the righteousness of the Pharisees. That taught me more about trying to be less judgmental (because in some things that is easy for us, but in others it is not). Jesus would never knock me down lower, and He would not want me to do that to someone else. He would want me to love and encourage.
When I went through my months of darkness, I had to pray constantly. It was the only way I could function. And some people did not understand why I could not do more than what I was doing. And I had to give that to the Lord too. I did not want my bad time to be an excuse to be ugly to others or not do what I needed to do each day. And He walked with me through each day. Sometimes I called on Him a few times in an hour to help me. And He did.
I have had to remember that God is my only constant. He is always there. When others disappoint (because I know I do) or say hurtful things (because I know I do even if I don't mean to - my dear husband reminded me), God is not like that. He is always there. And He is always there to help me. Not get my way but to get me through.
So, this year I can enjoy pictures more that I see of graduation. I can breathe easier and not feel that crushing weight that I felt last year. I know it's not because my child will get his diploma. It's because God is faithful, and I can see where He walked me through the darkest days. And we are on the other side. And I love Him more and depend on Him more than ever. And that is a blessing.
On to the next phase of life ~keep praying for my children as they continue on. Pray for their personal relationships with Jesus Christ. Pray for them to go on and be servants of God without my help. I still want to be a good witness and model for them. But I want their choices to be to please God and do what He has for them - not for their parents. I love them so much and want them to grow up to be men for God. And I want them to point others to Christ. So I will keep on praying. I want that to be who they are - not what they seem to be. And some of what we have gone through can lead to that. And then it will be worth it. We want God glorified in our lives - through the good and the bad.
All of those Trophies ~ I don't need them anymore!
Sam came downstairs with his arms full ~ of trophies and medals. He asked, "Mommy, can I keep these? Andrew said he doesn't want them anymore." I have not looked through each one, but there are lots and lots of running awards. We got rid of the soccer and other ball trophies years ago in one of our moves. Andrew kept his Bear stuff - the mugs and medals but did not feel a need to keep anything else. He is a minimalist, but I can also learn something from him. He does not need to keep "stuff" to remind him of those good old race days. He knows what he did and sees no need to advertise it! And keeping some of the most memorable ones and letting go of the rest made sense to him.
Now, Sam has not accumulated many trophies. We tried some sports when he was younger, but it was too hard with high or low blood sugars. We did not want to commit and then not be there. So he has not had much experience getting many ribbons or medals or trophies. So Andrew just handed him a treasure. And he does not care if he (Sam) earned them. He just likes to have them. Maybe to build confidence or feel important. We will put them on a shelf in his room, and one day, hopefully soon, he will not have a need for them. But right now he is in awe of his big brother's many awards. And I appreciate the fact that he may want to be like his brother - in the way of working hard and being diligent - but not clinging too tightly to the things of this world - and that includes awards and trophies. We can be the biggest thing in this world (like Muhammad Ali) but not point others to Christ. And that is a waste of our time and efforts. A big waste.
I hope and pray that anything that my family does points to Christ. That we don't get caught up in taking credit and thinking that we are the best thing or the biggest thing. We don't want to get caught up at all, but we should want to be vessels - willing to let Christ shine through us. For God to be glorified in our lives.
We have been cleaning out and getting rid of stuff. Someone has way too many toys and Legos. We watched Madame Blueberry in Veggie Tales, and it is so funny to see how much we depend on stuff - in little or big ways - to make us happy. We can all improve on the stuff we collect. Sam is still young, but I want him to see that we need to be satisfied with what we have. Thankful. So we can have happy hearts.
My yard sale yesterday was a lot of hard work. Even having "stuff" right inside the front door and carrying it all out is quite an effort! I sold things for almost nothing - some to help people out and some because I did not want to have to bring it back into my house! Will took a good truck load to donate. And I have been sorting some of what is left for another yard sale with friends next week. I love getting rid of stuff. I love making a little money. But I also love giving things away. I have some friends who want to pay too much to bless me. But I want them to get a lot of stuff they may need so I can bless them. That is a great problem to have!
So for right now, I will let Sam enjoy his big brother's trophies. And I will keep teaching him and trying to show him how to be content with what we have. And to trust God to provide what we need. I was just talking about how nice it would be to have plenty of money and not have to worry about bills - mostly medicine and medical in our family. But then, I have to trust God more when the numbers don't all add up in our favor. And He provides every time. Every single time. And that is a blessing to know and experience.
"But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:19
Now, Sam has not accumulated many trophies. We tried some sports when he was younger, but it was too hard with high or low blood sugars. We did not want to commit and then not be there. So he has not had much experience getting many ribbons or medals or trophies. So Andrew just handed him a treasure. And he does not care if he (Sam) earned them. He just likes to have them. Maybe to build confidence or feel important. We will put them on a shelf in his room, and one day, hopefully soon, he will not have a need for them. But right now he is in awe of his big brother's many awards. And I appreciate the fact that he may want to be like his brother - in the way of working hard and being diligent - but not clinging too tightly to the things of this world - and that includes awards and trophies. We can be the biggest thing in this world (like Muhammad Ali) but not point others to Christ. And that is a waste of our time and efforts. A big waste.
I hope and pray that anything that my family does points to Christ. That we don't get caught up in taking credit and thinking that we are the best thing or the biggest thing. We don't want to get caught up at all, but we should want to be vessels - willing to let Christ shine through us. For God to be glorified in our lives.
We have been cleaning out and getting rid of stuff. Someone has way too many toys and Legos. We watched Madame Blueberry in Veggie Tales, and it is so funny to see how much we depend on stuff - in little or big ways - to make us happy. We can all improve on the stuff we collect. Sam is still young, but I want him to see that we need to be satisfied with what we have. Thankful. So we can have happy hearts.
My yard sale yesterday was a lot of hard work. Even having "stuff" right inside the front door and carrying it all out is quite an effort! I sold things for almost nothing - some to help people out and some because I did not want to have to bring it back into my house! Will took a good truck load to donate. And I have been sorting some of what is left for another yard sale with friends next week. I love getting rid of stuff. I love making a little money. But I also love giving things away. I have some friends who want to pay too much to bless me. But I want them to get a lot of stuff they may need so I can bless them. That is a great problem to have!
So for right now, I will let Sam enjoy his big brother's trophies. And I will keep teaching him and trying to show him how to be content with what we have. And to trust God to provide what we need. I was just talking about how nice it would be to have plenty of money and not have to worry about bills - mostly medicine and medical in our family. But then, I have to trust God more when the numbers don't all add up in our favor. And He provides every time. Every single time. And that is a blessing to know and experience.
"But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:19
He certainly will provide all of our needs. And that will keep us closer to Him and not as dependent on anything in this world. That we are just passing through. I want to lay up treasures in Heaven. And that does not mean things. That means being a light so other people will learn about Him and know Him and accept Him as the Savior of the world. I keep trying to get to the place where I say confidently, "Whatever it takes, Lord. Please use me."
Thanks for reading!
Friday, May 27, 2016
Andrew's Conference Meet
We were so thankful to be able to see Andrew run his last track conference meet in Louisiana. Even though he had no PR's, he still was 9th in the 10K (31:54) and 10th in the 5K (15:16). I know those races were hard. He was so tired. But he did very well. I am amazed to look at his 10K splits, and I knew there were a few slower laps here and there. But overall, he ran really good splits, and I cannot help but think the slower ones were from the fatigue from his immune system. Knowing all of that, I was still so thankful. Because he was able to go and run. His team flew, and I think it was a good time for him.
He is already sick again though. He went to the doctor Friday and has another two week round of his best antibiotic and was instructed to do three breathing treatments a day for a while. One side of his lungs was clear, but the other side was awful. He was moving air very well, so we did not have get an x ray. We went and cleaned Thursday evening, and he did not remember me talking to him on the way home. He was out of it, and I was concerned that he was not doing the same things in order. So we are watching him closely. He sat in the rain and cold for Luke and Emily's graduation at JSB this morning, and he was so tired by the time it was over that he could not even eat. I brought him home, and he has slept a lot. He has done a breathing treatment but still sounds awful.
This is exactly what I have warned my insurance company about while I was begging them to get him his medicine. Their actions caused him to miss most of his senior track season. And I just pray we can get him better before he has a seizure or gets pneumonia. I know God will take care of him no matter what. But I am struggling again with that anger. When things calm down a little bit, I will try to focus all of this "wasted" energy on bringing Andrew's situation to attention of people who may be able to do something about it. This is not the first time with this medicine. They have held it up in January before. And they have held it up waiting for authorization that they could be very vague about. They have also done this with his seizure meds before, causing him to half doses until I could get it straightened out after days of constant work on my part and his doctor's office. They also changed Sam's insulin to a different "preferred" brand last year which caused a delay - because his prescription on file was for the insulin he had used since 2009. We also had to buy new insulin pens. Our insurance covers the insulin cartridges with a co-pay, but they won't pay for the pen that you have to use to give the insulin! And since those pens malfunction on occasion, we have to stock up some. It's very frustrating, and I need to do something constructive and helpful with this.
Sam's best part of the meet was wearing his ASU shirt and hat and sitting with Andrew and his friends on Saturday night watching other friends run. He felt so big. Andrew is such a great big brother.
It was a good meet with a lot of great performances from Appalachian athletes. It is sad to me that these events are so far away and that I am not really familiar with any of the other teams in the Sun Belt. I felt like the Southern Conference was much more familiar!
Thanks for those of you who pray for Andrew and our family. I would ask that you remember him in the next few days as he tries to get rid of most of this before summer school starts - Chemistry 2 with a lab!
Thank you!
Wendi
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9
This verse is for me. I think I feel more discouraged than angry. I just need to keep turning all of this over to Him. God already knows what is coming!
I love that new song by Lauren Daigle. I do trust in Him and need to remember that when things come my way and cannot get checked off my list.
"Trust In You"
Letting go of every single dream
I lay each one down at Your feet
Every moment of my wandering
Never changes what You see
I’ve tried to win this war I confess
My hands are weary I need Your rest
Mighty Warrior, King of the fight
No matter what I face, You’re by my side
When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!
Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings
There’s not a day ahead You have not seen
So, in all things be my life and breath
I want what You want Lord and nothing less
When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!
You are my strength and comfort
You are my steady hand
You are my firm foundation; the rock on which I stand
Your ways are always higher
Your plans are always good
There’s not a place where I’ll go, You’ve not already stood
When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!
I will trust in You!
I will trust in You!
I will trust in You!
I lay each one down at Your feet
Every moment of my wandering
Never changes what You see
I’ve tried to win this war I confess
My hands are weary I need Your rest
Mighty Warrior, King of the fight
No matter what I face, You’re by my side
When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!
Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings
There’s not a day ahead You have not seen
So, in all things be my life and breath
I want what You want Lord and nothing less
When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!
You are my strength and comfort
You are my steady hand
You are my firm foundation; the rock on which I stand
Your ways are always higher
Your plans are always good
There’s not a place where I’ll go, You’ve not already stood
When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!
I will trust in You!
I will trust in You!
I will trust in You!
Monday, May 9, 2016
May 9, 2016
Just a quick update!
Pete leaves for Israel tomorrow for 10 days. He is so excited. I have gotten his "surprise" candy at least five times, and he has found it and eaten it. So I got a little more today, and we'll see. He already found it! The Holy Land is usually one of the safest places for American tourists, and I try to remember that when I hear things on the news. I need to get his itinerary so I can email it to Rev. Thrasher - and anyone else who wants to know where he is! Sometimes we look every day to know where he is. And he is good about texting me. But sometimes when he has been gone, it's been good enough to keep everyone alive - literally. We hope this is one of those times where it's nice and calm on both sides.
Sam and I leave near the end of the week to drive to the conference meet with my dad. He will love Nichole Nordeman, Mercy Me, Steven Curtis Chapman, and Beth Moore by the time we get home. We are excited to visit a church there on Sunday morning. It will be a long trip, but we are so excited to see Andrew and his team run. Sam put them in our prayer journal at Sunday School yesterday - "Andrew and his team."
Andrew feels much better, and we thank those of you who have prayed for him. He is still a little bit tired, but he seems to be much much better. He is flying, so his trip won't be as long.
Peter will help me get some of our odd jobs done before I leave, and I am thankful for his willingness to go late at night to get things done. I don't like being in places alone after dark!
Will gets his diploma soon! He won't walk at graduation, but I am so happy for him. I cannot thank his one teacher enough. I know she will be thrilled too. Not all teachers are the same, and God gave us an extra special one to help Will get to this place. Looking back over his entire education, those special teachers made a huge difference and played a part in getting him to this point. I remember his second grade teacher making a huge impact one time with something she said. I told her about it a couple of years ago, and she did not remember it at all. But he does. And I do. It's true that teachers impact more than we know.
Sam had his last reading lesson today for a few weeks. He is doing really well. And I love to sit in the observation room and see him actually learning things. He catches himself, and I saw one time when the light bulb came right on. And he was so excited, and his teachers were too! It's slow, and it will take time; but I can already tell a difference in him. And I think he knows he can actually learn to read. We pray every morning on our way to school, and he knows we have been praying about his reading for years.
I got to meet with a special friend today that I have not seen in forever. She is going through some medical issues - just had surgery for cancer. And now she must decide what treatment path to take. I am praying that her second opinion at Duke will give her peace and clarity. It was such a blessing to hug on her today and to meet her children that I have not met before!
I also feel so thankful that someone else has only one more chemo treatment to go. I don't have permission to share, but I am thankful that God has seen this special person through his journey thus far. And I know He will continue to.
So much illness and sadness. Missing children and young people. Confused and hurting people. People who need the Lord. Our sermon Sunday was on salt and light. Matthew 5:13-16 from The Sermon on the Mount. Pete will get to go where Jesus was when He preached - the Mount of Beatitudes. I want to spend more time praying and being what God wants ME to be on this earth - to be salt and light. To be what He wants me to be. Not what I want to be. Or how I want to seem to people. You've probably figured out by now that I am NOT that person most people want to be like! I think people have started running and hiding when they see me in Walmart! No one strives to live in the sometimes constant chaos of my life. My life is not perfect or orderly or desirable.
I did not get that song "Blessings" when it first came out. My friend Lisa told me to listen to it. Then after a few times of listening, it hit me. The things that DON'T tie us to this world are blessings, because this is not our home. Oh, to be that perfect person who points others to Christ constantly because my focus is constantly on Him and not my circumstances. And not on what others are doing or have. And not how great everyone else seems to be doing on Facebook. I cry thinking of wasted time and opportunities. But because His mercies are new every morning, I still can strive every day to be that light. To be that salt. To be the one He wants me to be.
Okay, the "quick" was a stretch. Thanks for reading this. Thanks to those who pray.
If you want to see track meet results, they should be under Sun Belt Conference. I think there is a championship tab, and you can go to Outdoor Track and Field. Dad and I are not technical geniuses, so we won't be posting pictures from the meet on Facebook! Besides, we cannot do that and time and write splits and cheer. We are just praying for good efforts and a safe trip for everyone.
Love,
Wendi
Friday, May 6, 2016
Update
Thanks for reading this!
Andrew is doing well, except he has been sick for the last few weeks. And I have struggled with anger during this time. I begged BCBS since the first of February when I knew there was trouble showing he had insurance to the drug company. Once that was fixed, the reimbursement rate for the company (that we have used since he was diagnosed a few years ago) was way too low (like from 42% to 3%). So the drug company - after having weeks of trouble even reaching BCBS - found us another company. I tried to get one dose on my credit card - whatever we could do. I warned BCBS through phone calls and private FB messages that this would probably happen. They did not care as they held up his meds for over two months. So he has had a bad upper respiratory infection with coughing and bad fatigue. He has missed every track meet since the 5000 he ran in Charlotte. And we started him on antibiotics even before the doctor thought we really needed to. It escalated fast, and he is on round 2. I have talked to BCBS twice in the past week for an hour each time. They called ME. Maybe I am on their priority list, because they know that I know I have proof of contact and begging. They did offer to maybe get a gift card to "compensate" for what Andrew has been through. We are in the process of getting a case manager, and I told them a gift card (and I don't think I said "stupid" gift card) would not make up for Andrew missing most of his senior track season.
I also told them, since they asked about my issues, that he could be susceptible to that liver disease or lipodystrophy that went away and has not come back. I told them there was no explanation for the remission of those things except God and that I was trusting God would keep them at bay while Andrew's immune system is still so low. They always start out with an attitude, but at the end of the conversation really act like they understand that we need help getting our stuff.
Andrew has not had a seizure during this time, but he did call us one day from campus and could not use his legs. We got him into the peds office in a wheelchair, and Dr. Zimmerman gave him fluids for a few hours. During that time, he could not even stand up alone to go to the bathroom. He could not walk. It was scary, and that does make me angry at Blue Cross. But I also know that God had His hand on Andrew. And I share that with the insurance people, so they will know that I am upset and want things fixed BUT that our family does not totally rely on them.
So we are praying Andrew will be back to himself by conference in mid-May. He has run two PR's in the 5K and 10K. And that is a huge praise, because those are the only times he has had! My dad, Sam, and I are driving to Lafayette, LA, to watch Andrew run. My dad does not know (unless he reads this email) that I am planning the trip with some good stops in mind. He likes to eat inside a restaurant while Sam and I like to run into a favorite store or two on a break and go through a drive-thru. So we will compromise and have had some help planning some stops in places we have never been Sam and I went to BIrmingham, our halfway point, for indoor conference; so at least we have been that way already and know what to expect.
We are thankful Dad is going (I am 48, but he said I am not going alone), because Pete will be out of the country. He leaves for Israel right before we leave. And he is so excited. Andrew won't graduate in May, because he has added a nutrition major. I know his brain is working well, because he has done really well in his first Chemistry class, probably one of the toughest subjects at Appalachian. Andrew has not always seen good grades with his studying, so we are very thankful his brain seems to work better with his school work. He had a few tough years while we changed his medications, and he had more seizures.
Sam has started reading lessons at ASU. He was evaluated, after Laura got one of his notebooks I keep and showed it to her supervisor. Her supervisor is wonderful and told me after his second evaluation that he needs intense one on one help, and she believes she can teach him to read. I got tears in my eyes, and she told me I was so sweet. Then I told her that I had prayed about his reading for years. I knew something was wrong. And though he has had some really good teachers, he needed that one on one. And what is on paper at school is not always what will work. He has struggled with a huge amount of anxiety this year, and I hate to say I did not have a clue how bad it was. He does not act out. But we have also been to Asheville to Olson Huff twice, and I saw it clearly in those weeks. We are working on plans for next year, and that will include getting him the help he needs to read and whatever else he needs to feel comfortable and learn. We have been praying so hard about all of this, and God just keeps bringing people, since March, to give us answers. So we know He will help with the rest. Sam is already talking more about what bothers him and handling things much better. He was able to run into Boone Drug Friday alone (we're in there all of the time, and they know us!) to get a book he had seen, and he ended up having someone get it for him! He was beaming, clutching that Star Wars book, when he waited for me on the sidewalk. He could not have done that even a few weeks ago.
During all of this stuff, Sam has had some very low blood sugars. He also had trouble feeling his legs when he got into the car one day after school (weird that there were two instances of that!). But his blood sugar was in the 50's, so his knees probably felt extremely weak. He was fine when our wonderful nurse had checked him, but he dropped right before school let out. I was just thankful he was able to eat Smarties all the way home where he was still a little lower than he should have been. So that was a fast, scary drop. We went to the endocrinologist two weeks ago and found his a1c had drastically dropped - a great thing since it had been creeping up despite our best efforts. The doctor was extremely pleased, and Sam and I celebrated with a big Lego set that he had wanted since before Christmas. It was on the clearance table at the Lego store when we went into South Park to grab lunch. God had it right there for him. Now, we are changing everything around again as he starts to creep up again and don't know if it's illness or just the up and downs of diabetes. But we are determined to keep on top of things. And we continue to thank God for the help He always gives.
Peter is finishing his junior year at Appalachian. He just ran a 5K at school yesterday. We are happy he is running some again. He is also on a mission to help our dog lose weight. He's done a great job, and she is so much more active. We have all been on board. He will be surprised to return home tonight to find she's lost 10 more pounds, since Will shaved her this afternoon! He left the mountains of white fur on the back deck. If it blows into the neighbors' yards tonight, they will think they have awakened to snow in the morning!
Will is working on getting his CDL still and has part of it. It's a little weird to see him driving such huge things, but we think he was born that way I am just hoping and praying he will recognize where his gifts and abilities come from and do things to honor God with those talents. He has good people in his path that we know God has orchestrated. So we continue to pray over all of our boys continually. We are so thankful God is faithful.
Thanks for reading this and thanks for praying for us. We cannot begin to explain how much it means to us.
Wendi
Monday, February 8, 2016
February 2016
It's hard to believe February is already flying by! It's cold here in Boone today. It snowed and stopped and snowed and stopped and now is snowing again! This weekend, I got in a lot of wood from our last pile outside at the back of the house. I was so thankful to see there was more than I thought. I made it a game, and I worked on it for about two hours. Andrew had helped me with a cleaning job earlier in the day. Peter was not around, and Will was getting ready to go somewhere. Peter finally got back and helped with a couple of loads, and one of Will's friends helped get some in and chopped a lot of kindling. I have never appreciated help as much as I seem to now. Pete has always been there to do everything - even if I helped. But I am a little protective of him. It's hard when he insists on doing all that he can, so I am thankful when others pitch in to help when he is not looking!
On the other side of the house, Pete was taking our neighbor's dog (puppy) out, since they were out of town. I asked how it was. It was crazy trying to get a leash on her. It was so funny. The dog is so funny and full of energy. She and Lucy are friends, but Cokie has a million times more energy. So Pete was pretty occupied while I was working. With the cold today, I am so happy all of that wood is in the basement snug in the corner and not outside!
Everything is just so busy busy busy. I don't seem to have time to catch my breath some days, and it's frustrating to me. I think back to when my boys were little and should have been taking up all of my time, but this time in life seems much harder. I always had a schedule. It was flexible, but I usually had an hour to myself when they napped and another hour or two after they were in bed. It's not even running here and there and everywhere. It's just the amount of stuff that always needs to be done, and I don't feel like I ever check anything off my list!
So I have determined to do better. I have seen my husband frustrated and tired, and I know he feels the same way to an extent. So I have been praying about what to do differently. And I know God will let me know. He knows my focus is on what needs to be done next - and not always on Him.
Sam and I made handmade valentines in Sunday School to send to people. We started out with 8-10, but we mailed 22 this morning. We still have a long list, but we will have to send Easter cards too. When I think of all of the people who would love to get something in the mail, I feel terrible that my plans never materialize nearly like I would like. In a world that has gone to technology, it's so nice to get something in the mail. At Christmas, Pete's boss gives each employee money and a foster child to buy gifts for. He gives the money and list to me. This year, we ordered most of what was on the list; and Sam loved getting the packages and sorting and wrapping everything. This year, we are saving to buy a goat for a family through Samaritan's Purse. That's our Sunday School project.
Will had a vehicle parked outside our garage that looked ready for the junk yard. No engine. No tires. On blocks. I know some neighbors were probably thrilled to drive by it each day. To me, it was a reminder that my boy is at home. So I cherished the sight. Today, the vehicle went up the road. Motor in. Tires on. New paint job. I see so much there that God can use, and I pray many times each day that he will use his gifts and talents for God. He is just 18, but I pray and pray. When I wash those dirty clothes for him and fold them (when he has not done his own laundry), I consider it a privilege. I do have a kind of funny story from the other night, but I will save it for another time. He did scare me (not on purpose), and I told his friends that if I were ever going to cuss, it would have been then. So we are safe there. Not a bad word came out of my mouth or even came to mind. I listened to a video that was talked about as controversial today, and it had bad words and trash in it. That is what our young people listen to- some of them. It hurts my heart. And that bad stuff will come out at some point, if it's constantly going in.
Peter is on a roll with his tests the past couple of weeks. I pray for him all of the time too. Sam and I pray in the car every morning to get us started. But most of the time. I pray before I even get out of bed. It is good to pray, and it reminds me Who is in control - before I get off on my own tangents. Peter has been on my heart more than usual, and I feel like God is working in his life. And I am so very thankful.
Andrew ran at ETSU on Friday night. He ran a PR in his 5K. He ran a 15:10. He was fourth and needs to run a few seconds faster to make conference. So he goes to Marshall this weekend. I want to go, but I am not sure I can work that out. So I am praying for his safety and his race. He has great coaches, great friends on the team, and a great trainer. His trainer called me before he started working with their team, and his questions made me feel like he had taken the time to see what he could do for Andrew and how to be prepared in case Andrew needed help. Not many people go that extra bit, and they cannot know how much I appreciate those that do.
Which brings me to another thought I had Friday night. I passed the turn-off to a school Andrew was so excited about attending. Pete went with him for a visit to see about running. They were treated so well, and they were both so excited. Even with scholarships, it would be very expensive; but Pete was determined to do that for Andrew. I went to orientation with Andrew. I knew about orientations and how they worked. I wanted to be impressed. I wanted to feel at peace. I wanted to like the place! Everything sounded good on the surface, but I had misgivings. His schedule interfered with practice, which should not have happened at a school that size -if they were looking out for you. I talked to the people who were so animated on the stage talking to parents at orientation - when they stopped talking to each other in the hallway and noticed that I had some questions. When I expressed my concern about him living in a residence hall with his emergency situations, one woman kind of informed me that he was not the only one on campus with health problems. I wanted to go in the bathroom and cry. I kept praying. The rest of the story is that Andrew had a horrible night a few weeks before he went. I had tried really hard to be positive and supportive. I had bought his few things for his room - he's a minimalist mostly. I had packed them in a corner - his comforter, new sheets, few dishes, clothes rack, etc. But it was Andrew who told me that he could not go. That was right on the heels of an email from my aunt who gives advice but not usually to me. She had pretty much told me that I could trust the Lord, but sometimes He was telling me not to do what I was trying to trust Him to take care of! Boy, that answer was right in front of me. I am so thankful that everything else worked out for him to go to Appalachian. He had been accepted, and he was not living in a hall; so that helped. But God worked it all out. All of it. There were so many details. So as I drove by the turn-off on Friday, I let that feeling of thankfulness wash over me - all the way down to my toes.
Sam is still struggling so much in school in so many ways. We pray about that every day and what to do. He has an appointment in March in Asheville where he went when he was four. He won't see the same doctor but will see a PA. I don't know what is important enough to get an appointment with the doctor he has already seen. But I am hoping the PA will be what he needs. Snow days are a bit of relief for him. He really appreciates the break from what is really hard for him.
Pete continues to work hard. Too hard. I think this year will be the year to cut back on some things. We/he cannot keep up the pace like we have for so long. And it's probably working against us. We work extra jobs to pay for our medical bills, but now that affects our insurance price which is now through the roof. So we will see what we need to do to get in a better way there. I would love to take a huge load off his shoulders. Right now, we need to learn ways to save more money than earn more money! He is so tired. And it makes me frustrated sometimes. Well, a lot of times lately. I keep praying about this and asking God to show us what to do.
Thanks for reading this long update. We live each day very thankful right now. Last year at this time was hard. Little did we know that it would get much harder. But I can tell you that God was right with us during it all. And no one can dispute that. I was there, and I know. That's the thing about our testimonies. They are ours. We just need to be better about sharing them.
Happy snow days!
On the other side of the house, Pete was taking our neighbor's dog (puppy) out, since they were out of town. I asked how it was. It was crazy trying to get a leash on her. It was so funny. The dog is so funny and full of energy. She and Lucy are friends, but Cokie has a million times more energy. So Pete was pretty occupied while I was working. With the cold today, I am so happy all of that wood is in the basement snug in the corner and not outside!
Everything is just so busy busy busy. I don't seem to have time to catch my breath some days, and it's frustrating to me. I think back to when my boys were little and should have been taking up all of my time, but this time in life seems much harder. I always had a schedule. It was flexible, but I usually had an hour to myself when they napped and another hour or two after they were in bed. It's not even running here and there and everywhere. It's just the amount of stuff that always needs to be done, and I don't feel like I ever check anything off my list!
So I have determined to do better. I have seen my husband frustrated and tired, and I know he feels the same way to an extent. So I have been praying about what to do differently. And I know God will let me know. He knows my focus is on what needs to be done next - and not always on Him.
Sam and I made handmade valentines in Sunday School to send to people. We started out with 8-10, but we mailed 22 this morning. We still have a long list, but we will have to send Easter cards too. When I think of all of the people who would love to get something in the mail, I feel terrible that my plans never materialize nearly like I would like. In a world that has gone to technology, it's so nice to get something in the mail. At Christmas, Pete's boss gives each employee money and a foster child to buy gifts for. He gives the money and list to me. This year, we ordered most of what was on the list; and Sam loved getting the packages and sorting and wrapping everything. This year, we are saving to buy a goat for a family through Samaritan's Purse. That's our Sunday School project.
Will had a vehicle parked outside our garage that looked ready for the junk yard. No engine. No tires. On blocks. I know some neighbors were probably thrilled to drive by it each day. To me, it was a reminder that my boy is at home. So I cherished the sight. Today, the vehicle went up the road. Motor in. Tires on. New paint job. I see so much there that God can use, and I pray many times each day that he will use his gifts and talents for God. He is just 18, but I pray and pray. When I wash those dirty clothes for him and fold them (when he has not done his own laundry), I consider it a privilege. I do have a kind of funny story from the other night, but I will save it for another time. He did scare me (not on purpose), and I told his friends that if I were ever going to cuss, it would have been then. So we are safe there. Not a bad word came out of my mouth or even came to mind. I listened to a video that was talked about as controversial today, and it had bad words and trash in it. That is what our young people listen to- some of them. It hurts my heart. And that bad stuff will come out at some point, if it's constantly going in.
Peter is on a roll with his tests the past couple of weeks. I pray for him all of the time too. Sam and I pray in the car every morning to get us started. But most of the time. I pray before I even get out of bed. It is good to pray, and it reminds me Who is in control - before I get off on my own tangents. Peter has been on my heart more than usual, and I feel like God is working in his life. And I am so very thankful.
Andrew ran at ETSU on Friday night. He ran a PR in his 5K. He ran a 15:10. He was fourth and needs to run a few seconds faster to make conference. So he goes to Marshall this weekend. I want to go, but I am not sure I can work that out. So I am praying for his safety and his race. He has great coaches, great friends on the team, and a great trainer. His trainer called me before he started working with their team, and his questions made me feel like he had taken the time to see what he could do for Andrew and how to be prepared in case Andrew needed help. Not many people go that extra bit, and they cannot know how much I appreciate those that do.
Which brings me to another thought I had Friday night. I passed the turn-off to a school Andrew was so excited about attending. Pete went with him for a visit to see about running. They were treated so well, and they were both so excited. Even with scholarships, it would be very expensive; but Pete was determined to do that for Andrew. I went to orientation with Andrew. I knew about orientations and how they worked. I wanted to be impressed. I wanted to feel at peace. I wanted to like the place! Everything sounded good on the surface, but I had misgivings. His schedule interfered with practice, which should not have happened at a school that size -if they were looking out for you. I talked to the people who were so animated on the stage talking to parents at orientation - when they stopped talking to each other in the hallway and noticed that I had some questions. When I expressed my concern about him living in a residence hall with his emergency situations, one woman kind of informed me that he was not the only one on campus with health problems. I wanted to go in the bathroom and cry. I kept praying. The rest of the story is that Andrew had a horrible night a few weeks before he went. I had tried really hard to be positive and supportive. I had bought his few things for his room - he's a minimalist mostly. I had packed them in a corner - his comforter, new sheets, few dishes, clothes rack, etc. But it was Andrew who told me that he could not go. That was right on the heels of an email from my aunt who gives advice but not usually to me. She had pretty much told me that I could trust the Lord, but sometimes He was telling me not to do what I was trying to trust Him to take care of! Boy, that answer was right in front of me. I am so thankful that everything else worked out for him to go to Appalachian. He had been accepted, and he was not living in a hall; so that helped. But God worked it all out. All of it. There were so many details. So as I drove by the turn-off on Friday, I let that feeling of thankfulness wash over me - all the way down to my toes.
Sam is still struggling so much in school in so many ways. We pray about that every day and what to do. He has an appointment in March in Asheville where he went when he was four. He won't see the same doctor but will see a PA. I don't know what is important enough to get an appointment with the doctor he has already seen. But I am hoping the PA will be what he needs. Snow days are a bit of relief for him. He really appreciates the break from what is really hard for him.
Pete continues to work hard. Too hard. I think this year will be the year to cut back on some things. We/he cannot keep up the pace like we have for so long. And it's probably working against us. We work extra jobs to pay for our medical bills, but now that affects our insurance price which is now through the roof. So we will see what we need to do to get in a better way there. I would love to take a huge load off his shoulders. Right now, we need to learn ways to save more money than earn more money! He is so tired. And it makes me frustrated sometimes. Well, a lot of times lately. I keep praying about this and asking God to show us what to do.
Thanks for reading this long update. We live each day very thankful right now. Last year at this time was hard. Little did we know that it would get much harder. But I can tell you that God was right with us during it all. And no one can dispute that. I was there, and I know. That's the thing about our testimonies. They are ours. We just need to be better about sharing them.
Happy snow days!
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