The other day I read a devotional by Joni Eareckson Tada. She was writing about “Insults” and how she felt indignant about the way she had been treated in an airport. She referenced I Peter 2:23 which tells of Jesus not retaliating when insults were hurled at Him. He “entrusted Himself to Him who judges justly.”
When someone hurts my feelings, it is easy for me to feel sorry for myself. Then instead of hurting them back, I want to drop “hints” that what they said did not bother me! I have wasted a lot of time on this quest, which probably never turned out the way I wanted or intended. I thought if I was not hurting back but let them know they did not bother me, the hurt would not cut so deeply or hurt so much. But it hurt me more and took up even more of my valuable time. Jesus did not waste His precious time on this earth. Should I?
I find when I am in the middle of a crisis, I do not have time to second guess what someone meant when they wrote me a note or sent me an email or made a comment. I don’t have time!!!! My time is spent on whatever the crisis is. Maybe later, I think back and wonder; but during the time, I simply don’t have time! Instead, during those times, I draw nearer to the One who never hurts me but simply loves and helps me. I draw nearer to the One who loves me the most. Why should I care about others?
I guess because I am human? My first reaction is to retaliate – whether it is to hurt back or to be passive and make sure the person knows they did not hurt me. Maybe they did not mean to hurt me or be insensitive in the first place. I have had people tell me that they could not be me. It was not in a flattering way. It was telling me that they could not deal with some of the things I deal with. They may have meant it as a compliment, but it made me feel even more burdened with my already heavy burdens. This is when I am looking at ME instead of Him. I can be so overly sensitive and can make up things that are not even there! Who has time for that?
So there are ones who maybe mean to be encouraging but do not come across that way if they are not good with words or I am overly sensitive. Then, there are the ones who are really out to get me!
What to do about those? I am fortunate to have had very little in the way of purposeful discouragers. Along the way, I have wondered at some people who wanted to make sure I knew my children were not perfect. And it is hard when it has to do with children. But some of the comments and consistency of the discouragement made it seem very much on purpose. I tried to look at what I did and said and tried to see if I somehow was doing or saying something I should not. After that, I had to pray and move on and hope not to be around the person quite so much. Sometimes I was around them for years! But being on the other side now, it was a good lesson for me in how not to let those things bother me.
Then were the ones who picked at everything I did like it was their mission in life to point out anything I did wrong and make sure everyone knew about it. That is hard to live with for long periods of time. Thankfully, none of this happened at home. So home was a good respite, refuge, and rejuvenating place. I literally let people steal my joy! Who has time for that?
Sometimes it can be hard and blatant, and sometimes it is easier to ignore and go on. What Joni reminded me of was a different perspective. Do I need to spend time in some kind of retaliation? Or can I just pray and leave it up to the One who judges justly?
Sometimes I know I need to speak up – and for me, it would more likely be on someone else’s behalf. But most of the time, I just need to pray and trust. Instead of knowing it bothers me and using my energy to fight, I need to acknowledge it bothers me (because it sure does!) and take joy in letting it roll off of me. I can do that too. If I remember. I sure do remember faster and better when I am in His Word and can see things as they are. In this world, things are not clear to us. But in the spiritual warfare and darkness, there is Light. If I run to the Light, I can see better than if I stay over in my “feel sorry for myself” corner and feel crushed.
I need to look around. Do I make “jabs” at people who hurt me or discourage me? Do I waste time on this stuff? Do I have that time to waste?
One week I had one child in the hospital newly diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. I begged God more than once on my children’s behalf. “Not seizures, Lord, we cannot deal with that!” “Not diabetes, Lord, I already have this other child with so many things wrong.” “Please no seizures this week, Lord, I am so tired.” I can be very specific in my begging. And I know He hears me. And I try not to whine, but sometimes…
That week, my oldest had a seizure before going to bed; so I put him in bed with me. Near midnight, he started talking about his Geometry test and talking out of his head. Then came the bad seizure followed by another. I was helpless. I was scared. I was at the end of me. The ambulance came, and my son was scooped up and taken. When I last saw him, he was not breathing. I jumped in my clothes and yelled instructions at my two younger sons and took off to follow them to the hospital, all the while praying (very loudly) out loud. Fortunately, he was okay. But I will never ever forget how that felt – feeling totally helpless. Yet, I could still cry out to the One who loves me most.
So can I take some of the petty stuff that comes my way? I admit it’s harder when it comes from a friend instead of an acquaintance. But can I overlook it because they have bad days too that are overwhelming? Maybe they did not realize what they said or did. Maybe they needed to blow off some steam or transfer some hurt with or without knowing it. Is it enough to ruin my day or my week or my year? Not anymore (I hope). I want to be like Joni who wants to model Christ. Leave it to the One who judges justly. And go on and not waste time!
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Sunday, February 17, 2013
February Cruise 2013
Pete called me January 2nd on my way back from taking Peter to the foot doctor in Charlotte. I had been so sick the night before that I was not sure I could make the trip to take him, but it was too late to cancel. So my dad went with us in case I could not go in. On our way back, I felt a little better but was happy to almost be home. He was surprised when he told me he had been offered a free cruise at work and I did not act extremely excited! I was not excited about ANYTHING that day. But as I felt better, I was so excited. Until I realized that Andrew could not go...nor Peter. Then I began to feel pulled and very worried. I prayed about it, and friends and family encouraged us to go on. So I began to plan...
I left phone numbers with everyone I could think of who may need them - teachers, professors, friends, family, etc. I shared phone numbers with people who were probably wondering why I thought they may need them! But everyone was gracious and helpful and encouraging. My parents insisted on coming to stay the week at my house, so that helped a lot. Still, I was worried that no one here would be on high alert for Andrew as it seems I always am.
We took off last Saturday morning for Florida. We had planned to go Friday night and spend Saturday at Disney World with our other child I am always on high alert for. He has wanted to go back to "Mickey Mouse's House", and I think he should be able to go - with all he goes through. But after fighting over Andrew's seizure medicine with our insurance company for two days straight (again...), I was exhausted and behind in my packing and preparing. Sam said he was fine with stopping somewhere like Chuck E. Cheese because Chuck E. was fun too! Bless his little heart (which makes me want to take him to WDW even more before he gets much older!).
We stopped at Chuck E. Cheese in South Carolina at lunch time on a Saturday. This one was small and had about five birthday parties going on and did NOT have one single Pac Man game! Pete and Will blasted all of the records on basketball while Sam came to me for more coins to play more games. He had a great 1 1/2 hours. I wish I had brought a book, but I enjoyed watching the boys play basketball and Sam running around oblivious to the big crowds which usually overwhelm him.
We got to Jacksonville to find the "hot pool" was not working - or was working with cold water. Oh well. We got up Sunday morning to go to church and hear a pastor Pete works with quite a bit over the phone but had never met in person. Great service and great music. We sat upstairs at Sam's request and ended up sitting where someone signs the service. Everyone was very friendly and happy that we were there. We were invited to lunch but ended up going to Pete's favorite place - The Waffle House - right near our hotel. The hotel was beautiful and had a pool right in the lobby.
One thing I noticed at the hotel was a number of Mennonite couples. They were actually going on the cruise, so it was interesting to me to observe them the whole week. I don't know if any were Amish, but some were definitely dressed more conservatively than the others.
On Monday morning. we took off for the airport. Pete had gone before us to help, so we made a quick trip to Walgreens to kill some time and get a magazine and Sam a small toy (he gets so excited over anything). We also got some chocolate which came in handy later in the week! Then off to the port we went!
We found the port and parked and were greeted by someone to help with our luggage. I made sure we had the luggage tags on each piece and regretted leaving my matching bright ribbon at home. We had luggage tags, but I like to spot all of mine easily together with polka dotted or gingham ribbon. Black suitcases start to look alike when piled together! We got our carry on bags and made it into the port with our ID's, birth certificates, and other paperwork. We were fortunate to get seated at a great time and did not have to wait long to board. In the meantime, Sam turned gray; so I got a snack for him while Will got him some water. He perked back up quickly from a 51.
After boarding the ship, Will helped us get settled at a window table right near the pool but in the shade. I stayed with our bags as Will and Sam went to get something to eat. Tons of people were pouring in, so they were gone a little while. Sam came back with his lunch that Will had gotten him and started eating. Will finally came back, and I dreaded the long line. But Will had gotten TWO lunches and asked me which I wanted! What a great young man. So we sat and ate and people watched. Will took Sam off to explore the ship while we waited to check into our cabin. I read my book - and shared our extra chairs and eventually our table with some people still trying to figure out the process.
We got to our cabin and unpacked just what we thought we would need. By the time Pete got there in early afternoon, we were organized and had our luggage against one wall. We went to our emergency training session and found our muster station and got Sam his ship bracelet. We checked out the water park up on the deck, the putt putt, the walking track, the gym, etc.
Every morning I got up and walked. I walked on the outside track unless the wind was too bad. Then I walked at the gym at the front of the ship on a treadmill with a window looking out onto the ocean with its own TV! Walking goes a lot faster when I am watching a favorite show or on the deck of a moving ship!
We went into Freeport when the ship stopped, but it was not the same as Nassau. We only stayed about 30 minutes and boarded again. On Wednesday, we boarded a boat being tossed around by waves to get to the private island of Half Moon Cay. Someone had told Pete to splurge and get a cabana which helped us be on the first boat over with very little waiting AND have a quiet little place out of the sun but right near the water. We also had the bath house right up behind us! We swam in the clearest, bluest water I have ever seen and saw the whitest, softest sand. We had hamburgers and hot dogs for lunch and stayed all day. It was beautiful. I got to swim and read and watch the parasailing. We also had a group of people right near us who got into the water with all of their clothes on - shoes included- and stayed for long periods of time. They seemed to be having the time of their lives, and I think they may have been Mennonites too. Sam spent his whole day building a ship out of sand and digging the biggest hole he could. My children love to dig holes in the sand! It was a great day, and we returned to the ship with a good tired and a little bit of sunburn!
On Thursday, Valentine's Day, we got off at Nassau. I went "purse shopping" with the best and ended up having a great hour watching how the sellers and buyers interact. I like to keep a pocket book until it wears out. I don't have a closet full of them. And if I pick up one at TJ Maxx that I like, it is always one of the $89.99 ones or more! I was very happy with the one I found and am excited to change from my Vera Bradley that desperately needs a break! I met Pete and the boys at an ice cream store - they had gone to the Straw Market. Pete was happy I finally found my Valentine's Day gift. We headed back to the ship and did not do any other excursions though we heard the aquarium in Atlantis was wonderful.
On Friday, we were to be at sea the whole day returning to Jacksonville sometime during the night or early morning. It was chilly and rainy which does not bother me a bit, but the ship was rocking a little which had really started to get to me. Then we heard an announcement that there was a medical emergency and we would need to port at Port Canaveral. Sam and I went up to the walking track and watched as they took a couple of people off the boat. We had already prayed for them. We stayed out until the ship got going again - it was chilly out there!
We ate breakfast Friday morning in the dining room. We had only gone to the formal dining room a few times, but our waiter knew Sam's name and had picked up on the fact that he is diabetic. He went the extra mile to offer him things not on the menu. He sought us out and said bye to Sam. Sam was excited to tell Peter that "that man knew my name!"
We loaded our car and were happy to see it still the same as we left it. We saw other people excitedly getting out of their cars to begin their cruise! We stopped to get gas and a quick bite to eat, and I drove way into South Carolina before we stopped again. It was hard not to stop at a couple of places that had outlets right off the interstate for my convenience! But I was anxious to get home to Andrew and Peter. We stopped and took another quick break and went on. In Charlotte we hit rain then snow, fog, and ice! Fortunately, 85 South kept moving, and we got off in Gastonia to hit 321. That is when I turned over the keys and decided that Richard Petty was tired. Pete drove us into Hickory where the snow disappeared. We did not see any more until later in the evening!
We got home to some very excited people to see us - mostly Sam, but that is totally okay! While Pete went to clean one of his places (yes, he is crazy sometimes!), I got my stuff all unpacked and started a load of laundry. It began to snow more and more.
I noticed my house was a little brighter than I had left it! The windows are shining. Andrew evidently had his own personal transportation to and from school most days - my dad. I have not figured out all they did yet, but they stocked our fridge. And my mom made my favorite chocolate cake from scratch! We are so thankful they stayed with the boys and did so much with them and for us!
I will write more later on some of the preaching I heard on the ship. Two totally different preachers with two totally different styles gave basically the same message one day on not worrying - that God goes before us and makes a way. The music I listened to was great, but the preaching and teaching really hit home. I came back reminded of things that I needed reminders of! I also wrote down some quotes from one preacher I cannot wait to share with our preacher, but I am pretty sure since they are not his style he cannot use them!
We are very thankful for this mid-winter trip and for the memories we made. And we are so thankful to be home and back together as a family. Thanks for all of the prayers!
I left phone numbers with everyone I could think of who may need them - teachers, professors, friends, family, etc. I shared phone numbers with people who were probably wondering why I thought they may need them! But everyone was gracious and helpful and encouraging. My parents insisted on coming to stay the week at my house, so that helped a lot. Still, I was worried that no one here would be on high alert for Andrew as it seems I always am.
We took off last Saturday morning for Florida. We had planned to go Friday night and spend Saturday at Disney World with our other child I am always on high alert for. He has wanted to go back to "Mickey Mouse's House", and I think he should be able to go - with all he goes through. But after fighting over Andrew's seizure medicine with our insurance company for two days straight (again...), I was exhausted and behind in my packing and preparing. Sam said he was fine with stopping somewhere like Chuck E. Cheese because Chuck E. was fun too! Bless his little heart (which makes me want to take him to WDW even more before he gets much older!).
We stopped at Chuck E. Cheese in South Carolina at lunch time on a Saturday. This one was small and had about five birthday parties going on and did NOT have one single Pac Man game! Pete and Will blasted all of the records on basketball while Sam came to me for more coins to play more games. He had a great 1 1/2 hours. I wish I had brought a book, but I enjoyed watching the boys play basketball and Sam running around oblivious to the big crowds which usually overwhelm him.
We got to Jacksonville to find the "hot pool" was not working - or was working with cold water. Oh well. We got up Sunday morning to go to church and hear a pastor Pete works with quite a bit over the phone but had never met in person. Great service and great music. We sat upstairs at Sam's request and ended up sitting where someone signs the service. Everyone was very friendly and happy that we were there. We were invited to lunch but ended up going to Pete's favorite place - The Waffle House - right near our hotel. The hotel was beautiful and had a pool right in the lobby.
One thing I noticed at the hotel was a number of Mennonite couples. They were actually going on the cruise, so it was interesting to me to observe them the whole week. I don't know if any were Amish, but some were definitely dressed more conservatively than the others.
On Monday morning. we took off for the airport. Pete had gone before us to help, so we made a quick trip to Walgreens to kill some time and get a magazine and Sam a small toy (he gets so excited over anything). We also got some chocolate which came in handy later in the week! Then off to the port we went!
We found the port and parked and were greeted by someone to help with our luggage. I made sure we had the luggage tags on each piece and regretted leaving my matching bright ribbon at home. We had luggage tags, but I like to spot all of mine easily together with polka dotted or gingham ribbon. Black suitcases start to look alike when piled together! We got our carry on bags and made it into the port with our ID's, birth certificates, and other paperwork. We were fortunate to get seated at a great time and did not have to wait long to board. In the meantime, Sam turned gray; so I got a snack for him while Will got him some water. He perked back up quickly from a 51.
After boarding the ship, Will helped us get settled at a window table right near the pool but in the shade. I stayed with our bags as Will and Sam went to get something to eat. Tons of people were pouring in, so they were gone a little while. Sam came back with his lunch that Will had gotten him and started eating. Will finally came back, and I dreaded the long line. But Will had gotten TWO lunches and asked me which I wanted! What a great young man. So we sat and ate and people watched. Will took Sam off to explore the ship while we waited to check into our cabin. I read my book - and shared our extra chairs and eventually our table with some people still trying to figure out the process.
We got to our cabin and unpacked just what we thought we would need. By the time Pete got there in early afternoon, we were organized and had our luggage against one wall. We went to our emergency training session and found our muster station and got Sam his ship bracelet. We checked out the water park up on the deck, the putt putt, the walking track, the gym, etc.
Every morning I got up and walked. I walked on the outside track unless the wind was too bad. Then I walked at the gym at the front of the ship on a treadmill with a window looking out onto the ocean with its own TV! Walking goes a lot faster when I am watching a favorite show or on the deck of a moving ship!
We went into Freeport when the ship stopped, but it was not the same as Nassau. We only stayed about 30 minutes and boarded again. On Wednesday, we boarded a boat being tossed around by waves to get to the private island of Half Moon Cay. Someone had told Pete to splurge and get a cabana which helped us be on the first boat over with very little waiting AND have a quiet little place out of the sun but right near the water. We also had the bath house right up behind us! We swam in the clearest, bluest water I have ever seen and saw the whitest, softest sand. We had hamburgers and hot dogs for lunch and stayed all day. It was beautiful. I got to swim and read and watch the parasailing. We also had a group of people right near us who got into the water with all of their clothes on - shoes included- and stayed for long periods of time. They seemed to be having the time of their lives, and I think they may have been Mennonites too. Sam spent his whole day building a ship out of sand and digging the biggest hole he could. My children love to dig holes in the sand! It was a great day, and we returned to the ship with a good tired and a little bit of sunburn!
On Thursday, Valentine's Day, we got off at Nassau. I went "purse shopping" with the best and ended up having a great hour watching how the sellers and buyers interact. I like to keep a pocket book until it wears out. I don't have a closet full of them. And if I pick up one at TJ Maxx that I like, it is always one of the $89.99 ones or more! I was very happy with the one I found and am excited to change from my Vera Bradley that desperately needs a break! I met Pete and the boys at an ice cream store - they had gone to the Straw Market. Pete was happy I finally found my Valentine's Day gift. We headed back to the ship and did not do any other excursions though we heard the aquarium in Atlantis was wonderful.
On Friday, we were to be at sea the whole day returning to Jacksonville sometime during the night or early morning. It was chilly and rainy which does not bother me a bit, but the ship was rocking a little which had really started to get to me. Then we heard an announcement that there was a medical emergency and we would need to port at Port Canaveral. Sam and I went up to the walking track and watched as they took a couple of people off the boat. We had already prayed for them. We stayed out until the ship got going again - it was chilly out there!
We ate breakfast Friday morning in the dining room. We had only gone to the formal dining room a few times, but our waiter knew Sam's name and had picked up on the fact that he is diabetic. He went the extra mile to offer him things not on the menu. He sought us out and said bye to Sam. Sam was excited to tell Peter that "that man knew my name!"
We loaded our car and were happy to see it still the same as we left it. We saw other people excitedly getting out of their cars to begin their cruise! We stopped to get gas and a quick bite to eat, and I drove way into South Carolina before we stopped again. It was hard not to stop at a couple of places that had outlets right off the interstate for my convenience! But I was anxious to get home to Andrew and Peter. We stopped and took another quick break and went on. In Charlotte we hit rain then snow, fog, and ice! Fortunately, 85 South kept moving, and we got off in Gastonia to hit 321. That is when I turned over the keys and decided that Richard Petty was tired. Pete drove us into Hickory where the snow disappeared. We did not see any more until later in the evening!
We got home to some very excited people to see us - mostly Sam, but that is totally okay! While Pete went to clean one of his places (yes, he is crazy sometimes!), I got my stuff all unpacked and started a load of laundry. It began to snow more and more.
I noticed my house was a little brighter than I had left it! The windows are shining. Andrew evidently had his own personal transportation to and from school most days - my dad. I have not figured out all they did yet, but they stocked our fridge. And my mom made my favorite chocolate cake from scratch! We are so thankful they stayed with the boys and did so much with them and for us!
I will write more later on some of the preaching I heard on the ship. Two totally different preachers with two totally different styles gave basically the same message one day on not worrying - that God goes before us and makes a way. The music I listened to was great, but the preaching and teaching really hit home. I came back reminded of things that I needed reminders of! I also wrote down some quotes from one preacher I cannot wait to share with our preacher, but I am pretty sure since they are not his style he cannot use them!
We are very thankful for this mid-winter trip and for the memories we made. And we are so thankful to be home and back together as a family. Thanks for all of the prayers!
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Rough Night - February 1, 2013
Please pray for Andrew as he rides back from an indoor meet in Winston with the Appalachian team. He had a seizure and did not get to run. I don't know details, but it did not require medication; and he was talking soon after. They almost took him to the hospital though, so I am anxious to hear what happened. The coaches said he could ride with them. When Coach Weaver called, I was halfway ready to go out the door; but they said he seemed okay. So I did not go. He has texted me and said they were leaving.
I am so disappointed and frustrated. I am disappointed because he has worked hard and could not run. I am very frustrated that I have spent hours on the phone with insurance about his seizure meds (not the first round we have had over the years), and he could not get the dose his doctor prescribed. We should be able to get it next week. Since it is so expensive, we just had to wait. I told them he might have a seizure in the meantime, but they do not care. This has been a huge source of my anxiety - his medicine costs and the insurance's ability to deny whatever they want. So please pray we can get this handled or find an alternate source to help pay, so he can have what he needs.
We are thankful for those around Andrew who help him - so thankful. It's hard to not be there each time he needs us. Very very hard.
Thanks for praying for him. I hope to be picking him up within the hour - before more bad weather.
Andrew and I have spent a lot of time driving together this week in the ice and snow. We made it up and out our road Monday when it was a solid sheet of ice - praying the whole way! Pete could not get out of the flat driveway and ended up driving through the yard! Will told me that others took out mailboxes and landed in ditches. Yesterday, we got into town after a slick ride down the whole Deerfield Road. I talk the whole time - partly because I am a little nervous and partly to tell Andrew what I am doing. I love that my car has two low gears so I don't use my brakes much. And just this morning - through a lot of snow on the roads. We also had a time getting home Wednesday evening before the flooding got too bad. I picked up Andrew at practice and took him to his truck. He followed me home, and we got there just before our one way that was not blocked got too bad. He has been tired, but he has had a good week and really enjoys his classes.
It's just one of those nights to pray and keep turning things over. I don't like seizures, and I don't like dealing with insurance companies. And I really hurt for Andrew. So please pray for him and for the other situations - that we can just do what we need to do and let them go. Andrew is good at that.
Thanks so much. Be safe in the upcoming weather!
Wendi
Friday, January 18, 2013
Close Call ~ but so thankful
Yesterday, Sam and I feel like we had a close call. One of my good friends heard of a student with a medical emergency, so she texted me to see where Andrew was in class. I could not think but did remember he had a class in that building. We started driving to campus. I had picked Sam up early due to impending snow, and we started praying. We prayed that it was not Andrew but still prayed for the person it really was. Close to campus we got word that we were not needed. Sam said, "Mommy, the tears did not come out of my eyes." He said they were there, but they did not come out. A few had come out of mine and then a few more of relief and being thankful. We still prayed for the other student who had a bad day. We were just thankful to find Andrew home eating lunch - safe and sound.
Pete has an opportunity to take us on a cruise. Andrew and Peter cannot go due to classes, and they are okay with that. The rest of us are looking forward to a nice, warm vacation in the middle of winter; but there is that part of me so reluctant and fearful to leave Andrew behind. I am working on everything for him and for Peter, but the fear still grips me from time to time. I just want to be here if he needs me. He has a significant increase in his medicine, so he should not have problems, especially during the daytime which is rare anyway. But the devil likes me to be on pins and needles all day some days waiting to see if something might happen. Those are the days I catch myself not taking full breaths and not being able to settle down. It's like I am waiting or expecting something bad to happen. It has been so bad in the last months, the waiting for something, but seems to be lifting. Even though I am so thankful Andrew had a good day yesterday, I want to be confident he will be taken care of when it's not a good day.
I don't have much to share except that I have been in a very bad place for months and feel like I am finally seeing the light of day. I need to read my Bible more. I have the devotionals that I refer to from time to time that help so much and are based on scripture. I only listen to Christian radio (except few country songs when Will is in the car). It's like I have been so deep in the middle of the storm that I cannot find my way out. My dad was talking at Christmas about his trip to a big water park with Pete and several of the grandsons a few years ago. He came down a huge slide and hit the bottom and could not get out of the chute. The more he tried to grab the side and pull himself out of a couple of feet of water, the more he got confused and disoriented. He did it twice and finally was pulled up once. He credits Pete for saving his life because it really scared him. I may not always feel that scared when I am floundering, but I sure cannot find my way out. And when my stomach hurts, and I wake up in the middle of the night feeling fear; I know that I am more scared than I even know. So I have been reaching out to Him. I have reached out, and I have reached out in desperation. And I know He has always been there. He is waiting for me to be still and stop floundering. He has given me signs in so many ways. He has brought to my face things for which I am so thankful. He has used friends and family to gently remind me. He has used words in the devotionals or songs and verses to settle my fears and calm my heart.
I am sharing this, because I can now. I feel like I am rising up out of that pit - the one we jump, fall, slide or otherwise end up in. And I am not all of the way out yet, but I know I will be. He is the One helping me. It's not me.
So I am looking forward to a trip that is such a huge treat and blessing for our family. I don't like leaving any behind, but they can have a little independence that will be good for them. And they have plenty of people who care about them and who have stepped up to help and just be there while we are away. It's funny that I don't realize right away that God can use others to help them when I am not around (a reminder from a friend). And this cruise will have no bars or gambling, so the atmosphere should be more restful for me. We are even trying to work in a day at Mickey Mouse's House for Sam who has been the only one to request to go. We will try to go to the Magic Kingdom right before we leave Florida. We are not Disney experts and would appreciate any websites or discounts or other helpful information some of you may have!
Stay safe in the snow! Ours is melting already, but it was pretty to look out and see such huge fluffy flakes. And I know the ski mountains are happy and relieved to get a big snow. The world looks so much prettier covered with the pure white snow. My goal is for things not to look ugly when it melts. I want my insides to match my outside.
And Happy Weekend. Andrew and Will both run at Appalachian tomorrow at the Holmes Center. Thanks to the brave ones who read to this point! We appreciate you! I know I have posted this song before, but I know someone else may need the words. You can hear it on Youtube.
P.S. Peter's girlfriend who had the bad wreck a couple of weeks ago is doing great. Her grandmother died at the end of the week, so they just had a tough time all of the way around. She knows God was with her and that the wreck could have been so different. She and the others involved are okay.
Love,
Wendi
"Not For A Moment (After All)" Meredith Andrews
[Verse 1]
You were reaching through the storm
Walking on the water
Even when I could not see
In the middle of it all
When I thought You were a thousand miles away
Not for a moment did You forsake me
Not for a moment did You forsake me
[Chorus]
After all You are constant
After all You are only good
After all You are sovereign
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Not for a moment will You forsake me
[Verse 2]
You were singing in the dark
Whispering Your promise
Even when I could not hear
I was held in Your arms
Carried for a thousand miles to show
Not for a moment did You forsake me
[Chorus]
And every step every breath you are there
Every tear every cry every prayer
In my hurt at my worst
When my world falls down
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Even in the dark
Even when it's hard
You will never leave me
After all
[Chorus]
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Pete has an opportunity to take us on a cruise. Andrew and Peter cannot go due to classes, and they are okay with that. The rest of us are looking forward to a nice, warm vacation in the middle of winter; but there is that part of me so reluctant and fearful to leave Andrew behind. I am working on everything for him and for Peter, but the fear still grips me from time to time. I just want to be here if he needs me. He has a significant increase in his medicine, so he should not have problems, especially during the daytime which is rare anyway. But the devil likes me to be on pins and needles all day some days waiting to see if something might happen. Those are the days I catch myself not taking full breaths and not being able to settle down. It's like I am waiting or expecting something bad to happen. It has been so bad in the last months, the waiting for something, but seems to be lifting. Even though I am so thankful Andrew had a good day yesterday, I want to be confident he will be taken care of when it's not a good day.
I don't have much to share except that I have been in a very bad place for months and feel like I am finally seeing the light of day. I need to read my Bible more. I have the devotionals that I refer to from time to time that help so much and are based on scripture. I only listen to Christian radio (except few country songs when Will is in the car). It's like I have been so deep in the middle of the storm that I cannot find my way out. My dad was talking at Christmas about his trip to a big water park with Pete and several of the grandsons a few years ago. He came down a huge slide and hit the bottom and could not get out of the chute. The more he tried to grab the side and pull himself out of a couple of feet of water, the more he got confused and disoriented. He did it twice and finally was pulled up once. He credits Pete for saving his life because it really scared him. I may not always feel that scared when I am floundering, but I sure cannot find my way out. And when my stomach hurts, and I wake up in the middle of the night feeling fear; I know that I am more scared than I even know. So I have been reaching out to Him. I have reached out, and I have reached out in desperation. And I know He has always been there. He is waiting for me to be still and stop floundering. He has given me signs in so many ways. He has brought to my face things for which I am so thankful. He has used friends and family to gently remind me. He has used words in the devotionals or songs and verses to settle my fears and calm my heart.
I am sharing this, because I can now. I feel like I am rising up out of that pit - the one we jump, fall, slide or otherwise end up in. And I am not all of the way out yet, but I know I will be. He is the One helping me. It's not me.
So I am looking forward to a trip that is such a huge treat and blessing for our family. I don't like leaving any behind, but they can have a little independence that will be good for them. And they have plenty of people who care about them and who have stepped up to help and just be there while we are away. It's funny that I don't realize right away that God can use others to help them when I am not around (a reminder from a friend). And this cruise will have no bars or gambling, so the atmosphere should be more restful for me. We are even trying to work in a day at Mickey Mouse's House for Sam who has been the only one to request to go. We will try to go to the Magic Kingdom right before we leave Florida. We are not Disney experts and would appreciate any websites or discounts or other helpful information some of you may have!
Stay safe in the snow! Ours is melting already, but it was pretty to look out and see such huge fluffy flakes. And I know the ski mountains are happy and relieved to get a big snow. The world looks so much prettier covered with the pure white snow. My goal is for things not to look ugly when it melts. I want my insides to match my outside.
And Happy Weekend. Andrew and Will both run at Appalachian tomorrow at the Holmes Center. Thanks to the brave ones who read to this point! We appreciate you! I know I have posted this song before, but I know someone else may need the words. You can hear it on Youtube.
P.S. Peter's girlfriend who had the bad wreck a couple of weeks ago is doing great. Her grandmother died at the end of the week, so they just had a tough time all of the way around. She knows God was with her and that the wreck could have been so different. She and the others involved are okay.
Love,
Wendi
"Not For A Moment (After All)" Meredith Andrews
[Verse 1]
You were reaching through the storm
Walking on the water
Even when I could not see
In the middle of it all
When I thought You were a thousand miles away
Not for a moment did You forsake me
Not for a moment did You forsake me
[Chorus]
After all You are constant
After all You are only good
After all You are sovereign
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Not for a moment will You forsake me
[Verse 2]
You were singing in the dark
Whispering Your promise
Even when I could not hear
I was held in Your arms
Carried for a thousand miles to show
Not for a moment did You forsake me
[Chorus]
And every step every breath you are there
Every tear every cry every prayer
In my hurt at my worst
When my world falls down
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Even in the dark
Even when it's hard
You will never leave me
After all
[Chorus]
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
A "Normal" Christmas
On Christmas Eve, my dad and I delivered gifts like we try to do every Christmas Eve. Sometimes we are joined by my sister for at least part of our deliveries. In the past, we have taken little people who did not want to be away from Mommy for a few hours. But most of the time, it's my dad and me. The one time each year that we spend time together delivering presents, visiting with dear people, and goofing off a little (and making pacts not to tell my mom some things that my dad always ends up telling her - like where we leave some presents when people are not home!). This Christmas Eve was no exception. This year, we delivered gifts in Abingdon - a first for us. We got to see some of the decorations in downtown historic Abingdon which was a treat for me. We were right near the old hospital where Andrew and Peter were born. We went out in the country some but also got to see some of the beautiful historic homes. If I don't move to Maine when I get older and become like Jessica Fletcher, I may just move to Abingdon and live near Main Street so I can walk to the Barter and the Martha Washington.
Anyway, as we delivered gifts, it struck me that this is a "normal" Christmas. It was a little sad because we did not take gifts to some we went to last year. They are celebrating their first Christmas in Heaven - so we are a little sad but they are not! We took stuff to sick people. We took gifts to people who no longer go out much. We visited dear people, and I felt a little tear eyed at some because I was so thankful to get to see them and spend time with them. No one in our family was sick or in the hospital, so my dad and I were free to deliver gifts and visit until time to spend time with our own family.
I thought of so many I know spending their first Christmas without loved ones for the first time. And I know they must have wanted a "normal" Christmas. They wanted one like so many others that maybe were even taken for granted just a little bit. They wanted to be delivering gifts and visiting and feeling free to act silly with their closest family.
We had one of those Christmases 21 years ago. I remember waking up so early hearing my brother-in-law Dwayne on the phone. He and Whitney took off for Winston-Salem as fast as we could get them in my brother's car. By the time we got to Winston a little bit after they did, our sweet little five week old Katelyn was gone to Heaven. We made the long drive home and slept and it did not feel like Christmas. We knew it was the day we celebrate Jesus' birth, and we did not forget that. In fact, we were even closer to Him and more thankful than ever that little Katelyn was with Him. We knew that. But we did not feel like celebrating and opening gifts and being silly and funny.
The next day, I went to work with my dad at the family business while plans were being made for Katelyn's funeral. It was hard to be there and not with them, but he needed me to help - there was no one else. So I was helping where I could and remembered feeling so alone even with all of the sympathy and concern of friends and family. It was just plain...hard. And sad.
I had to go do some errands to get ready for the funeral, and I ran into some friends who had not yet heard about Katelyn. They talked of their fun and silly Christmas together as a family, and, for a moment, I felt a little envious. I felt they had a "normal" Christmas, but none of our Christmases would ever be normal again. That's how it felt. And I felt so so empty. I really needed to hold that baby. But now she was not coming home at all but being buried. And I would never ever hold her. And that hurt. It made my arms hurt. I could only imagine how my sister and brother-in-law felt if that was the way I felt.
Looking back, I can still feel that. So I know what God has done. He has blessed us beyond measure. There will be more losses. There will be more sadness. But there is always HOPE. So the hopelessness may be there for a while, but there is always hope. Always.
We have had so many Christmases. When Andrew was born a few days before Christmas, he had to stay in the hospital for a week. When our families gathered for Christmas Eve, I was there with empty arms and had just gotten out of the hospital. I remember feeling so bad and so sick. Pete had to stop and get me some peanut butter to make a sandwich because that was all I wanted. I had a new Peanuts sweatshirt to wear with my knit pants, and I can remember it like yesterday. I even remember Pete running into the room where I was to tell me that my friend's husband just announced they were expecting. That helped, but I was still afraid of my baby. I was afraid of his seizures and medicine - just so afraid. It was a hard Christmas, but we were all close to being together. And I could go to the NICU to hold my precious baby.
Driving to see him not long after, I decided in the car that I was his mother; and God gave him to me to love and care for. So I have tried to care for him, and I have loved him with my whole heart. He just turned 19.
So even if an ice storm keeps us at home on Christmas or we go away together as a family on a much-needed vacation getaway, a "normal" Christmas is one with family together. And even though I have wished that my family could have more normal times when times are tough, I would not trade my story for another. My story has all of the characters in it that I love - even that little Katelyn Elizabeth Ball. The best part is that I will get to see her again. Every day is one day closer.
"Normal" does not a Christmas make. Jesus makes Christmas. And He has been with me through every single one. He is the One Who matters.
Anyway, as we delivered gifts, it struck me that this is a "normal" Christmas. It was a little sad because we did not take gifts to some we went to last year. They are celebrating their first Christmas in Heaven - so we are a little sad but they are not! We took stuff to sick people. We took gifts to people who no longer go out much. We visited dear people, and I felt a little tear eyed at some because I was so thankful to get to see them and spend time with them. No one in our family was sick or in the hospital, so my dad and I were free to deliver gifts and visit until time to spend time with our own family.
I thought of so many I know spending their first Christmas without loved ones for the first time. And I know they must have wanted a "normal" Christmas. They wanted one like so many others that maybe were even taken for granted just a little bit. They wanted to be delivering gifts and visiting and feeling free to act silly with their closest family.
We had one of those Christmases 21 years ago. I remember waking up so early hearing my brother-in-law Dwayne on the phone. He and Whitney took off for Winston-Salem as fast as we could get them in my brother's car. By the time we got to Winston a little bit after they did, our sweet little five week old Katelyn was gone to Heaven. We made the long drive home and slept and it did not feel like Christmas. We knew it was the day we celebrate Jesus' birth, and we did not forget that. In fact, we were even closer to Him and more thankful than ever that little Katelyn was with Him. We knew that. But we did not feel like celebrating and opening gifts and being silly and funny.
The next day, I went to work with my dad at the family business while plans were being made for Katelyn's funeral. It was hard to be there and not with them, but he needed me to help - there was no one else. So I was helping where I could and remembered feeling so alone even with all of the sympathy and concern of friends and family. It was just plain...hard. And sad.
I had to go do some errands to get ready for the funeral, and I ran into some friends who had not yet heard about Katelyn. They talked of their fun and silly Christmas together as a family, and, for a moment, I felt a little envious. I felt they had a "normal" Christmas, but none of our Christmases would ever be normal again. That's how it felt. And I felt so so empty. I really needed to hold that baby. But now she was not coming home at all but being buried. And I would never ever hold her. And that hurt. It made my arms hurt. I could only imagine how my sister and brother-in-law felt if that was the way I felt.
Looking back, I can still feel that. So I know what God has done. He has blessed us beyond measure. There will be more losses. There will be more sadness. But there is always HOPE. So the hopelessness may be there for a while, but there is always hope. Always.
We have had so many Christmases. When Andrew was born a few days before Christmas, he had to stay in the hospital for a week. When our families gathered for Christmas Eve, I was there with empty arms and had just gotten out of the hospital. I remember feeling so bad and so sick. Pete had to stop and get me some peanut butter to make a sandwich because that was all I wanted. I had a new Peanuts sweatshirt to wear with my knit pants, and I can remember it like yesterday. I even remember Pete running into the room where I was to tell me that my friend's husband just announced they were expecting. That helped, but I was still afraid of my baby. I was afraid of his seizures and medicine - just so afraid. It was a hard Christmas, but we were all close to being together. And I could go to the NICU to hold my precious baby.
Driving to see him not long after, I decided in the car that I was his mother; and God gave him to me to love and care for. So I have tried to care for him, and I have loved him with my whole heart. He just turned 19.
So even if an ice storm keeps us at home on Christmas or we go away together as a family on a much-needed vacation getaway, a "normal" Christmas is one with family together. And even though I have wished that my family could have more normal times when times are tough, I would not trade my story for another. My story has all of the characters in it that I love - even that little Katelyn Elizabeth Ball. The best part is that I will get to see her again. Every day is one day closer.
"Normal" does not a Christmas make. Jesus makes Christmas. And He has been with me through every single one. He is the One Who matters.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Merry Christmas 2012
Merry Christmas from the Vandenbergs 2012
Merry Christmas! We hope you all are well and have a wonderful Christmas celebrating Jesus’ birth and why He was born and what He did for all of us. God loves us so much that He gave his only begotten Son. (John 3:16) All we have to do is believe in Him and that He died for all of our sins ~ making a way to the Father for us. All we have to do is believe and accept that most precious gift of all! Christmas is one of the best times to remember and reflect on that Gift ~ for me.
We are thankful in our family for that Gift and the promises He has given. He has promised to be with us, and He is. In the good times and the bad, He is here. We may not understand the big picture, but we believe He is here all of the time. What a blessing that is ~ that hope.
We have had many changes this year. Pete has taken two trips to the Holy Land with his new job. I cannot imagine what it is like to be where Jesus was – to walk where He walked and sit where He sat. It would be amazing to see places we read about in the Bible. And he got to do it twice this year! From our point of view, it was scary to be there; but what he saw overshadowed any fear.
Andrew is a freshman at Appalachian. His plans changed at the last minute due to illness, but he is where he should be. It has been a blessing – from the people who helped him get where he needed to be to his professors, his advisor, his coaches, staff, and even ASU Police. His road is still far from easy, but he is flourishing; and we are so thankful for all of the people who help him and encourage him.
Peter is a senior and looking at colleges. He continues to be a big help to us in so many ways. He has battled some injuries, but he is determined to get back on track, literally. He works hard in school and is sweet and respectful. Those teenager hugs and thank you’s are a blessing from Peter!
Will is back on his bike after breaking a hand this summer at Rocky Knob – a new mountain bike park. He ran cross country and PR’d a few times and even won some small races. He is building a dog house, and I have a few things for him to do at home when he is ready!
Sam is doing well. His last endo appointment showed his a1c down a bit, and we are so thankful (and a little surprised!). He is getting more and more independent about checking his blood sugars and what to do when he is low. We hope he will feel good about giving himself shots in the next 2-3 years. He loves his brothers and likes to have one of his parents within earshot at all times. He had a low blood sugar scare one summer morning, and it threw us for a loop. But we look back and see how provisions were made before a scary situation when seconds counted. We also see clearly that God literally gives us extra hands when we need them to do what seems scary or impossible.
I have been learning that it’s okay to be where I am. It’s okay to be in a tough spot or a storm. And I am old enough to know they don’t, and won’t, last forever. I read something that said when we are at our weakest, we can see God’s work more clearly and His strength. Sometimes the bad things are not the worst things. I am still “learning to lean” and remembering to lean and not try to work everything out myself. It makes breathing much easier (when I do remember!).
So at the end of another year… Merry Christmas. We are one year closer to the best God has for us!
Still my favorite verse ~ “But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
The good thing about being sick?
I am sick. I got sick this weekend, and it has not gotten much better. Usually I can just coast right through and maybe take a nap on the weekend or go to bed early during the week. I try to save "sick" days for my boys. I am not brave. I am sometimes a wimp. And sometimes I bring it on myself by not slowing down right when I should. Sometimes I get myself in a bad way!
This weekend, I was going on a girls weekend. We were going to Susan's fishing lodge on the river near Nashville. On the way to Bristol to meet the girls, after cleaning up and packing as fast as I could, I got a really sick headache. Then my ear stopped up. On the way, I got so sick that I was having Whitney and Lisa dig through my pocketbook for medicine while Cindy drove. They gave me ibuprofen and a Benadryl that they had. We stopped to eat and give me a break. I almost fell asleep eating a baked potato at Cracker Barrel! Then, after assuring them I did not need to turn around, I fell asleep and felt better once I woke up and we were almost there.
The next morning, my ear was still stopped up; but I got up and walked for over an hour up and down a gravel road on the property. I covered up my ear and felt much better after a hot shower in that beautiful stone bathroom I like so much! We kayaked for over 3 1/2 hours on the river, and I felt so peaceful and a little like I was on Survivor at the same time. We pulled over to eat a delicious lunch of chicken salad croissants, chips, and soft drinks. Everything tastes even better when you are outside and have worked up a good appetite doing something fun. We even passed food to each other (eating in our kayaks) with our paddles! That was really Survivor-like. When we got back, we went and did a little Christmas shopping and passed a small town Christmas parade with the real Santa and Mrs. Claus. Sometimes you can just tell when they are real. We came back and ate a great dinner of grilled pork chops, baked potatoes, and corn. Both nights, I slept great. I did not hear a thing and trusted that Lisa would be the first to awaken me if anything went on (she did not sleep as deeply as some of us out there near the river!).
But coming back, it hit me again. I felt so bad. Bad turned to worse which has turned into two days at home! I never do this! But I have watched a movie I have wanted to watch for a long time - after sleeping through a few Murder, She Wrote episodes.
Sam took care of me yesterday. He got an ice pack for my head. He tucked me in on the couch. He kissed my forehead and said, "Who do I love? Who do I love?" He also brought me his food and his insulin pen if he was hungry. I got a couple of "I hope you feel better" comments last night and even a teenager kiss! I got my medicine and something for dinner that cost a lot more at the grocery store near the pharmacy than what it would have cost at Walmart - from my dear husband. I have had calls and texts to check on me. All of these are good things about being sick.
Another good thing is to slow down and be able to think without doing many things at one time. I put things on hold, because I cannot do them right now anyway. So I have been able to think about things I am looking forward to and about things for which I am thankful. They have brought tears this morning - letting me know for sure that I need more quiet time with Him.
I have been so overwhelmed, and even anxious, for months. I don't think I realized it until recently. But I feel myself climbing out and being pulled out of yet another pit. I am so thankful for that too.
So when I am sick, I need to remember it's not all bad. I feel terrible. I don't like the sick feelings and the headaches and all that comes with it, but there are some good things too. For those things, I am so very thankful. What a great time, right before Christmas, to be reminded and assured and reassured.
This weekend, I was going on a girls weekend. We were going to Susan's fishing lodge on the river near Nashville. On the way to Bristol to meet the girls, after cleaning up and packing as fast as I could, I got a really sick headache. Then my ear stopped up. On the way, I got so sick that I was having Whitney and Lisa dig through my pocketbook for medicine while Cindy drove. They gave me ibuprofen and a Benadryl that they had. We stopped to eat and give me a break. I almost fell asleep eating a baked potato at Cracker Barrel! Then, after assuring them I did not need to turn around, I fell asleep and felt better once I woke up and we were almost there.
The next morning, my ear was still stopped up; but I got up and walked for over an hour up and down a gravel road on the property. I covered up my ear and felt much better after a hot shower in that beautiful stone bathroom I like so much! We kayaked for over 3 1/2 hours on the river, and I felt so peaceful and a little like I was on Survivor at the same time. We pulled over to eat a delicious lunch of chicken salad croissants, chips, and soft drinks. Everything tastes even better when you are outside and have worked up a good appetite doing something fun. We even passed food to each other (eating in our kayaks) with our paddles! That was really Survivor-like. When we got back, we went and did a little Christmas shopping and passed a small town Christmas parade with the real Santa and Mrs. Claus. Sometimes you can just tell when they are real. We came back and ate a great dinner of grilled pork chops, baked potatoes, and corn. Both nights, I slept great. I did not hear a thing and trusted that Lisa would be the first to awaken me if anything went on (she did not sleep as deeply as some of us out there near the river!).
But coming back, it hit me again. I felt so bad. Bad turned to worse which has turned into two days at home! I never do this! But I have watched a movie I have wanted to watch for a long time - after sleeping through a few Murder, She Wrote episodes.
Sam took care of me yesterday. He got an ice pack for my head. He tucked me in on the couch. He kissed my forehead and said, "Who do I love? Who do I love?" He also brought me his food and his insulin pen if he was hungry. I got a couple of "I hope you feel better" comments last night and even a teenager kiss! I got my medicine and something for dinner that cost a lot more at the grocery store near the pharmacy than what it would have cost at Walmart - from my dear husband. I have had calls and texts to check on me. All of these are good things about being sick.
Another good thing is to slow down and be able to think without doing many things at one time. I put things on hold, because I cannot do them right now anyway. So I have been able to think about things I am looking forward to and about things for which I am thankful. They have brought tears this morning - letting me know for sure that I need more quiet time with Him.
I have been so overwhelmed, and even anxious, for months. I don't think I realized it until recently. But I feel myself climbing out and being pulled out of yet another pit. I am so thankful for that too.
So when I am sick, I need to remember it's not all bad. I feel terrible. I don't like the sick feelings and the headaches and all that comes with it, but there are some good things too. For those things, I am so very thankful. What a great time, right before Christmas, to be reminded and assured and reassured.
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