I got an email recently. Right before the person signed his name, he put a special word. I know he was praying and wished me well. But the word had irked me before. Well, not the word really but the misuse of it.
Once I got a scathing email. It cut me down and was a terrible thing to receive. I wish I had never read it! I had to forward it to Pete AND one of my friends and let them counsel me. The person used the SAME word as they signed off the mean email.
I was visiting a friend at her business, and she was telling me how this woman had misrepresented something big to her; and it was costing her money and lots of headaches. She was trying to correct the deal, but the woman would not budge. The woman had lied and been hard to deal with in a business sense. But every time she left my friend's business, she used the SAME word as her departing word!
So be careful how you sign off - in writing or in person! I would not want to say a word that makes it sound like I am praying for that person and wishing him the best while I am doing my own worldly thing.
So now I can enjoy the word again. It has taken back its meaning that others have tried to take away. It's a great word really. Just be careful how you use it!
And the actual word does not matter as much. It's the other words and actions that speak louder than that word. I just am reminded to not "cover" my own agendas with something that appears I am close to God and wishing His best for someone (especially when I am really not).
Just like when I tell someone I am praying for them, I stop and pray right then (or pray again right then). If I say I will do it, I want to do it. I appreciate all who pray for me and my family. Those prayers get us by.
Just a thought after seeing that word...
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Monday, November 19, 2012
Happy 21st Birthday ~ Katelyn Elizabeth Ball
I wrote this original post two years ago. I just read it again...and cried. It seems like it could not be 21 years ago, and then it seems like a lifetime ago. The first weeks were the hardest. Then the first months. God was with us. He is still with us even now - He never left. Never will.
I know one of God's tiniest angels
She slipped into our lives one cold night
Not meant to stay for long
This precious little bundle
She taught us love in her short time on earth
And when it was time to go
She slipped out of our lives
But not out of our hearts
Where she will stay
And we will see her again...in Heaven
(a revision of the poem I wrote a year after she died)
Every year is one year closer...
2011 Post
This is actually last year's post. I just read it and cried. But it says what I would want to say again. I am adding some song lyrics to the end. So this is a long one. Happy Birthday this weekend to my precious little tiny Katelyn Elizabeth Ball. Every day is one day closer to seeing her again (and those great grandparents mentioned in this post!). Thinking of the family and friends and praying that her life will still have a strong impact.
~~~~~~~~
I can remember it like it was just last week. I arrived at Forsyth Hospital in Winston where my sister was in labor with her first baby. She had found out about a month before that the baby was not growing and developing. We knew some of what could be, but we did not know much. I found her watching Little House on the Prairie while nurses hovered nearby and lots of doctors were readying to attend the birth. Because Katelyn was my sister's first baby, they really wanted to do everything they could for her and my sister. My dad would check on Whitney periodically, but he would turn a greenish color and have to leave. My aunt was begging my uncle for a cigarette, but he kept reminding her calmly that she had stopped smoking. I remember arriving, checking on Whitney and Dwayne, going to the Hanes Mall to eat (and not even being tempted to shop!) while we waited...and waited.
Then I fast forward to sitting in the hall straight up against a cinder block wall. Katelyn was there, and Whitney was fine. The doctors did not think that tiny baby would make it through the night. One of her pediatricians had mercy on Russell and me and invited us to say hi to Katelyn before they took her to Baptist just a little bit away. She was as long as a newborn because she was term, but she weighed less than three pounds. I remember yellow. Her hair or her skin. And I remember loving her with everything I had. And I remember how my arms ached so badly to hold her. Now I can grab one of the other children to hold when I feel that ache, but then there was no baby to hold. And we could not hold her. I am sure Russell and I prayed for her and over her. And that was one of the only times I was within an arm's length in her whole five weeks.
In the NICU, there are very strict rules with very good reason. Still, I drove to Stuart, VA, every weekend to spend time with Whitney and go with her to the hospital even though it meant sitting on the outside. I got a couple of glimpses, and Dwayne took some pictures. No digital cameras back then! And there is a video. I ached to hold this baby, see her, and get to know her. And somehow through the wall, I was able to do just that - get to know her through pieces of information and pictures.
She was supposed to have only part of a kidney. She had more than they thought. She scooted in her tiny bassinet. She scrunched her face and tried to hide from Santa Claus visiting the sick babies. In her little life, she did have personality and fight and determination. And oh was she loved.
My grandparents arrived one day to see her. My grandmother announced to my grandfather that she was going to see the baby - whether he took her or not. They totaled their very large (enormous really) Cadillac on the way to see her - in Cana, VA. It was a multi-car accident where one car stopped suddenly and several cars bumped into the back of each other. My grandparents had to rent a car half the size of theirs and continue on the trip. They got to go in and see her - because they were great grandparents and not just aunts. My grandmother came out and said of my sister, "Well, she has herself a real live baby doll." That meant so much to my sister.
Whitney and I would stop at Little Caesar's in Winston to treat ourselves to Crazy Bread before returning to their home way out in the country. Dwayne worked the night shift a lot, so Whitney appreciated the time I could come. While I was there one weekend with another friend, one of their two dogs came back shot. The other never returned. We searched all over the area where they lived and realized that no one cared if they shot someone else's dog - especially someone with a dying baby. It was a bleak, sad time. I was in charge of cleaning the bathroom when I was there. I put myself in that job. I cleaned that tub so much it's a wonder the finish did not come off. It's hard to know what to do with the energy and feelings and aches sometimes.
Dwayne and Whitney came to Bristol on Christmas Eve in 1991, intending to spend a little time with family and return to the hospital and Katelyn on Christmas Day. I remember the phone ringing in the wee hours of the morning. It was the hospital - no cell phones back then. They cared enough to know where to find them. Dwayne and Whitney rushed to Baptist. By the time we got there a little later, Katelyn was gone. I still remember every Christmas how that felt. Again, I can grab a child now and hold him or her; and for that, I am so thankful. I try to go and visit her grave on Christmas Eve so I can tell her I love her - even though I know she is not there. It's just a quiet place for reflection and to thank God for what He has given our family and blessed us with.
That time was a hard time in my life too. I took time off from my life the next few months and returned to school to start on a second degree. Thankfully, God worked out my own situation; and I returned to North Carolina and my own life that had seemed suspended for a few months. I remember people being so kind and helpful and thoughtful and supportive. And I still remember times of being so hurt by something someone said that I did not feel I could stand it. Sometimes I remember to keep my mouth closed. I would not want to cause that same pain and confusion for someone else. I appreciate those who quietly prayed for all of us and were there when we needed them - not just pretending to care but allowing God to use them to minister to and sustain our family.
I know one of God's tiniest angels. She slipped into our lives one cold night not meant to stay for long. And when it was time to go, she slipped out again. But she left us with something so hard to explain. In her short little life, she made such a huge impact. I cannot wait to see her again and hold her. I don't know what she will look like in Heaven, and I don't have to know. I just know I will see her, and I will know who she is!
Happy 19th Birthday to Katelyn Elizabeth Ball. Thank you for affecting my life in such a wonderful and loving way - even though it is not empty of hurt and pain. I love you so much, and I am so happy to know you are with the One Who loves us the most.
~~~~~
Even though it was indeed scary, her parents loved her without reservation. A lot of us did. And though it has been hard without her here, we have that HOPE that we will see her again. She is worth every falling tear ~ just as they all are!
All of Me (Matt Hammitt)
Afraid to love
Something that could break
Could I move on
If you were torn away
And I'm so close
To what I can't control
I can't give you half my heart
And pray He makes you whole
You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start
I won't let sadness
Steal you from my arms
I won't let pain
Keep you from my heart
I dread the fear
Of all that I could lose
For every moment
I'll share with you
You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start
And Heaven brought you to this moment
It's too wonderful to speak
You're worth all of me
You're worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you
Even if I bleed
You're worth all of me
You're worth all of me
You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start
It's where I'll start
I know one of God's tiniest angels
She slipped into our lives one cold night
Not meant to stay for long
This precious little bundle
She taught us love in her short time on earth
And when it was time to go
She slipped out of our lives
But not out of our hearts
Where she will stay
And we will see her again...in Heaven
(a revision of the poem I wrote a year after she died)
Every year is one year closer...
2011 Post
This is actually last year's post. I just read it and cried. But it says what I would want to say again. I am adding some song lyrics to the end. So this is a long one. Happy Birthday this weekend to my precious little tiny Katelyn Elizabeth Ball. Every day is one day closer to seeing her again (and those great grandparents mentioned in this post!). Thinking of the family and friends and praying that her life will still have a strong impact.
~~~~~~~~
I can remember it like it was just last week. I arrived at Forsyth Hospital in Winston where my sister was in labor with her first baby. She had found out about a month before that the baby was not growing and developing. We knew some of what could be, but we did not know much. I found her watching Little House on the Prairie while nurses hovered nearby and lots of doctors were readying to attend the birth. Because Katelyn was my sister's first baby, they really wanted to do everything they could for her and my sister. My dad would check on Whitney periodically, but he would turn a greenish color and have to leave. My aunt was begging my uncle for a cigarette, but he kept reminding her calmly that she had stopped smoking. I remember arriving, checking on Whitney and Dwayne, going to the Hanes Mall to eat (and not even being tempted to shop!) while we waited...and waited.
Then I fast forward to sitting in the hall straight up against a cinder block wall. Katelyn was there, and Whitney was fine. The doctors did not think that tiny baby would make it through the night. One of her pediatricians had mercy on Russell and me and invited us to say hi to Katelyn before they took her to Baptist just a little bit away. She was as long as a newborn because she was term, but she weighed less than three pounds. I remember yellow. Her hair or her skin. And I remember loving her with everything I had. And I remember how my arms ached so badly to hold her. Now I can grab one of the other children to hold when I feel that ache, but then there was no baby to hold. And we could not hold her. I am sure Russell and I prayed for her and over her. And that was one of the only times I was within an arm's length in her whole five weeks.
In the NICU, there are very strict rules with very good reason. Still, I drove to Stuart, VA, every weekend to spend time with Whitney and go with her to the hospital even though it meant sitting on the outside. I got a couple of glimpses, and Dwayne took some pictures. No digital cameras back then! And there is a video. I ached to hold this baby, see her, and get to know her. And somehow through the wall, I was able to do just that - get to know her through pieces of information and pictures.
She was supposed to have only part of a kidney. She had more than they thought. She scooted in her tiny bassinet. She scrunched her face and tried to hide from Santa Claus visiting the sick babies. In her little life, she did have personality and fight and determination. And oh was she loved.
My grandparents arrived one day to see her. My grandmother announced to my grandfather that she was going to see the baby - whether he took her or not. They totaled their very large (enormous really) Cadillac on the way to see her - in Cana, VA. It was a multi-car accident where one car stopped suddenly and several cars bumped into the back of each other. My grandparents had to rent a car half the size of theirs and continue on the trip. They got to go in and see her - because they were great grandparents and not just aunts. My grandmother came out and said of my sister, "Well, she has herself a real live baby doll." That meant so much to my sister.
Whitney and I would stop at Little Caesar's in Winston to treat ourselves to Crazy Bread before returning to their home way out in the country. Dwayne worked the night shift a lot, so Whitney appreciated the time I could come. While I was there one weekend with another friend, one of their two dogs came back shot. The other never returned. We searched all over the area where they lived and realized that no one cared if they shot someone else's dog - especially someone with a dying baby. It was a bleak, sad time. I was in charge of cleaning the bathroom when I was there. I put myself in that job. I cleaned that tub so much it's a wonder the finish did not come off. It's hard to know what to do with the energy and feelings and aches sometimes.
Dwayne and Whitney came to Bristol on Christmas Eve in 1991, intending to spend a little time with family and return to the hospital and Katelyn on Christmas Day. I remember the phone ringing in the wee hours of the morning. It was the hospital - no cell phones back then. They cared enough to know where to find them. Dwayne and Whitney rushed to Baptist. By the time we got there a little later, Katelyn was gone. I still remember every Christmas how that felt. Again, I can grab a child now and hold him or her; and for that, I am so thankful. I try to go and visit her grave on Christmas Eve so I can tell her I love her - even though I know she is not there. It's just a quiet place for reflection and to thank God for what He has given our family and blessed us with.
That time was a hard time in my life too. I took time off from my life the next few months and returned to school to start on a second degree. Thankfully, God worked out my own situation; and I returned to North Carolina and my own life that had seemed suspended for a few months. I remember people being so kind and helpful and thoughtful and supportive. And I still remember times of being so hurt by something someone said that I did not feel I could stand it. Sometimes I remember to keep my mouth closed. I would not want to cause that same pain and confusion for someone else. I appreciate those who quietly prayed for all of us and were there when we needed them - not just pretending to care but allowing God to use them to minister to and sustain our family.
I know one of God's tiniest angels. She slipped into our lives one cold night not meant to stay for long. And when it was time to go, she slipped out again. But she left us with something so hard to explain. In her short little life, she made such a huge impact. I cannot wait to see her again and hold her. I don't know what she will look like in Heaven, and I don't have to know. I just know I will see her, and I will know who she is!
Happy 19th Birthday to Katelyn Elizabeth Ball. Thank you for affecting my life in such a wonderful and loving way - even though it is not empty of hurt and pain. I love you so much, and I am so happy to know you are with the One Who loves us the most.
~~~~~
Even though it was indeed scary, her parents loved her without reservation. A lot of us did. And though it has been hard without her here, we have that HOPE that we will see her again. She is worth every falling tear ~ just as they all are!
All of Me (Matt Hammitt)
Afraid to love
Something that could break
Could I move on
If you were torn away
And I'm so close
To what I can't control
I can't give you half my heart
And pray He makes you whole
You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start
I won't let sadness
Steal you from my arms
I won't let pain
Keep you from my heart
I dread the fear
Of all that I could lose
For every moment
I'll share with you
You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start
And Heaven brought you to this moment
It's too wonderful to speak
You're worth all of me
You're worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you
Even if I bleed
You're worth all of me
You're worth all of me
You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start
It's where I'll start
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Thankful
This is Thanksgiving week. The week to be thankful. The week to remember to be thankful! Happy Thanksgiving!
I think it's a great time to look back over the year and see where I have been and all God has brought me through. It's the same this year. Some of the stuff is hard - but it's old news. It's a pain, but it keeps on coming. Like a storm that won't go away. Then there is new stuff. New twists and turns. New and unexpected things. Not all welcome things.
I think what God has been teaching me in the past few months is that it is okay to be where I am. I am still in that waiting room. Still in a storm. The storm gets more fierce but then dies down again. Sometimes it rages to a point when I don't think I can take much more, and then it gets worse; and I see I can, with Help.
Another thing God has been teaching me is that I don't have to despair in the place I am. It can change. Like we say about Boone weather - give it a minute, and it will change. Whether I am in the place for a few minutes, hours, months, or years, it can change in an instant. I have a friend who has been "stuck" somewhere for years now. She gets tired and sad, but she has been there with grace; and it speaks volumes to me. She is a blessing while just trying to do as God wants her to be.
I had the opportunity to go on a retreat this weekend. It was eye-opening. On the way there, I was hoping that the speaker would talk on certain things where I have some struggles right this minute. Well, she did. She did NOT talk on the subject I had hoped, but she DID talk about what I really needed. God knew what I needed to hear. He knew what would ring true in my ears. He knew what would open my eyes. And He knew what would remind me to look at him and stop looking in other places. When will I remember that?
As we head into this week, I will be remembering (with a ton of others) my first niece. She would be 21 this year. I cannot help but wonder what she would look like, who she would act like, where she would be in college, etc. For years, I thought of her as a tiny baby. I still do, but I can see her as older now. I don't know what she will look like in Heaven, but I am sure I will know her. I am thankful for the little bit of time we had with her. I am thankful for the things she taught me. I am even thankful for the tears dripping down right now as I remember how empty our arms felt 21 years ago. And I am thankful that God filled those arms time and time again. She was not replaced, but we were blessed. And she is not gone forever - just in a blink. Though it seems longer right now, it will one day be a blink. And I am thankful for her parents who have always set such an example for me.
I am thankful my children are all safely tucked in their beds. I am thankful that they had a normal weekend. I am thankful that the noise I heard the other night was the wind and not Andrew.
I have so many things I worry about and try not to worry about. I have reason to be concerned and on guard, but the worrying almost does me in sometimes. I am thankful that when I cry out to Him, He hears me and sends what I need.
Nichole Nordeman has a line in her song "Sunrise" that says, "How would I know morning if I knew not midnight?" I appreciate the provisions made for me and my family this year (and all of the other years too!). I am thankful for the One Who loves me like no other. He knows me by name. He died for me.
Happy Thanksgiving!
I think it's a great time to look back over the year and see where I have been and all God has brought me through. It's the same this year. Some of the stuff is hard - but it's old news. It's a pain, but it keeps on coming. Like a storm that won't go away. Then there is new stuff. New twists and turns. New and unexpected things. Not all welcome things.
I think what God has been teaching me in the past few months is that it is okay to be where I am. I am still in that waiting room. Still in a storm. The storm gets more fierce but then dies down again. Sometimes it rages to a point when I don't think I can take much more, and then it gets worse; and I see I can, with Help.
Another thing God has been teaching me is that I don't have to despair in the place I am. It can change. Like we say about Boone weather - give it a minute, and it will change. Whether I am in the place for a few minutes, hours, months, or years, it can change in an instant. I have a friend who has been "stuck" somewhere for years now. She gets tired and sad, but she has been there with grace; and it speaks volumes to me. She is a blessing while just trying to do as God wants her to be.
I had the opportunity to go on a retreat this weekend. It was eye-opening. On the way there, I was hoping that the speaker would talk on certain things where I have some struggles right this minute. Well, she did. She did NOT talk on the subject I had hoped, but she DID talk about what I really needed. God knew what I needed to hear. He knew what would ring true in my ears. He knew what would open my eyes. And He knew what would remind me to look at him and stop looking in other places. When will I remember that?
As we head into this week, I will be remembering (with a ton of others) my first niece. She would be 21 this year. I cannot help but wonder what she would look like, who she would act like, where she would be in college, etc. For years, I thought of her as a tiny baby. I still do, but I can see her as older now. I don't know what she will look like in Heaven, but I am sure I will know her. I am thankful for the little bit of time we had with her. I am thankful for the things she taught me. I am even thankful for the tears dripping down right now as I remember how empty our arms felt 21 years ago. And I am thankful that God filled those arms time and time again. She was not replaced, but we were blessed. And she is not gone forever - just in a blink. Though it seems longer right now, it will one day be a blink. And I am thankful for her parents who have always set such an example for me.
I am thankful my children are all safely tucked in their beds. I am thankful that they had a normal weekend. I am thankful that the noise I heard the other night was the wind and not Andrew.
I have so many things I worry about and try not to worry about. I have reason to be concerned and on guard, but the worrying almost does me in sometimes. I am thankful that when I cry out to Him, He hears me and sends what I need.
Nichole Nordeman has a line in her song "Sunrise" that says, "How would I know morning if I knew not midnight?" I appreciate the provisions made for me and my family this year (and all of the other years too!). I am thankful for the One Who loves me like no other. He knows me by name. He died for me.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Who Is In Control?
Well, I know God is. I was thinking today that I do not like to be dependent. I do not like to have to have faith. I want to know all will be okay. I want to see how it will be okay. I can have that and forget it all too easily.
I ready somewhere not long ago that being in a bad place is not the worst place to be. All bad places vary, of course. I feel like I have had things coming at me from ALL sides. And it affects how I react and take all of those things in. And it affects my days and my life.
But if I step back and look at it as a tough time as a whole, it seems like something I can turn over all at once to Him. He can take over. And I can rest. Will I do it? It is an all day, every day thing sometimes. But when I am the weakest, that is when I can see and feel His strength. This is the time I can clearly see Him work - because I cannot do it myself. It's either impossible or too much or I am too weary.
I am tired from having sick children. It takes a lot to keep up with appointments and treatments and prescriptions and refills and monitoring and insurance and everything else. I am tired from checking on them a lot during the night sometimes. I am tired of worrying about what will be next. I am really tired of worrying about how to take care of some of their things and whether I do enough and how I can afford this or that if they need it. I am not tired of my children, but the sick part does get me weary. I know they get that way sometimes too.
When I voted, I voted the way I felt I should after I really really prayed. It was clear to me I could not vote for someone for President who is for abortion. If those who believe in abortion knew my children would be sick and cost extra money, would they feel that my children were worth being born? On Facebook, I have seen a quote from Ronald Reagan who said he noticed those who support abortion have already been born. I don't know if he said that, but it is true. I don't believe we should kill life - no matter how old it is, no matter how sick it could be, or how convenient it is. We, who are here, had a chance to be born. Who are we to kill those who have not yet been born? I know it's easy to jump on the wagon to explain abortion away or to give reasons or excuses. But I want no part of that. I know in my heart it is killing, and I cannot vote for someone who believes it is okay.
I also could not vote for someone who stands up for so many things that the Bible says are not okay. While no candidate was perfect, the one I could not vote for stood up and clearly proclaimed his beliefs and feelings. I feel very uneasy having such a President. I want someone who will look to God (and lets us know). I want someone who is not afraid to stand up for what is right. I want someone who cares about our people and our military and will do everything to help this great country. I am not disrespectful, but I am distressed greatly.
But I know Who is in control. And He knew how last night would go. He knows I fear for my sick children. He knows. And He loves me. He loves us all. Whether we acknowledge Him or not. He forgives. He forgets. He died for us. He sacrificed for us. Imperfect us. A lot of times, ungrateful us. And a lot of times in this country, defiant us.
I know people are searching. They are looking for a person to fill that hole or void. They are searching and looking, and He waits and wants us to come to Him. He wants us to find what we are searching for while we are looking everywhere but at Him.
I do it still. I try to fix and figure out and plan. I forget that He loves me. He loves me more than anyone. And when I am at my lowest and weakest, that is when I can see His work. I can see where He pulls me up.
So I resolve to try to live so He will know I love Him. I am not ashamed of Him. When I feel discouraged, I will turn to Him for encouragement. When I am fearful, I will turn to Him for peace. When I am tired, I will turn to Him for rest.
When someone hurts my feelings, I will let Him remind me to go on. When I am frustrated, I will let Him remind me that He is in control and is helping me. When I don't know what else to do, I will let Him give me answers.
Whether it's the election or the everyday problems of this time in my life, I will look to Him. He loves me and is waiting for me to turn His way.
"I Look to You" (Selah)
As I lay me down,
Heaven hear me now.
I'm lost without a cause
After giving it my all.
Winter storms have come
And darkened my sun.
After all that I've been through
Who on earth can I turn to?
I look to you.
I look to you.
After all my strength is gone,
In you I can be strong
I look to you.
I look to you.
And when melodies are gone,
In you I hear a song.
I look to you.
About to lose my breath,
There's no more fighting left,
Sinking to rise no more,
Searching for that open door.
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsty.com/selah-i-look-to-you-lyrics.html ]
And every road that I've taken
Lead to my regret.
And I don't know if I'm going to make it.
Nothing to do but lift my head
I look to you.
I look to you.
After all my strength is gone,
In you I can be strong
I look to you.
I look to you.
And when melodies are gone,
In you I hear a song.
I look to you.
My levees are broken
My walls have come
Tumbling down on me
The rain is falling.
Defeat is calling.
I need you to set me free.
Take me far away from the battle.
I need you.
Shine on me.
I look to you.
I look to you.
After all my strength is gone
In you I can be strong
I look to you.
I look to you.
And when melodies are gone,
In you I hear a song.
I look to you.
I ready somewhere not long ago that being in a bad place is not the worst place to be. All bad places vary, of course. I feel like I have had things coming at me from ALL sides. And it affects how I react and take all of those things in. And it affects my days and my life.
But if I step back and look at it as a tough time as a whole, it seems like something I can turn over all at once to Him. He can take over. And I can rest. Will I do it? It is an all day, every day thing sometimes. But when I am the weakest, that is when I can see and feel His strength. This is the time I can clearly see Him work - because I cannot do it myself. It's either impossible or too much or I am too weary.
I am tired from having sick children. It takes a lot to keep up with appointments and treatments and prescriptions and refills and monitoring and insurance and everything else. I am tired from checking on them a lot during the night sometimes. I am tired of worrying about what will be next. I am really tired of worrying about how to take care of some of their things and whether I do enough and how I can afford this or that if they need it. I am not tired of my children, but the sick part does get me weary. I know they get that way sometimes too.
When I voted, I voted the way I felt I should after I really really prayed. It was clear to me I could not vote for someone for President who is for abortion. If those who believe in abortion knew my children would be sick and cost extra money, would they feel that my children were worth being born? On Facebook, I have seen a quote from Ronald Reagan who said he noticed those who support abortion have already been born. I don't know if he said that, but it is true. I don't believe we should kill life - no matter how old it is, no matter how sick it could be, or how convenient it is. We, who are here, had a chance to be born. Who are we to kill those who have not yet been born? I know it's easy to jump on the wagon to explain abortion away or to give reasons or excuses. But I want no part of that. I know in my heart it is killing, and I cannot vote for someone who believes it is okay.
I also could not vote for someone who stands up for so many things that the Bible says are not okay. While no candidate was perfect, the one I could not vote for stood up and clearly proclaimed his beliefs and feelings. I feel very uneasy having such a President. I want someone who will look to God (and lets us know). I want someone who is not afraid to stand up for what is right. I want someone who cares about our people and our military and will do everything to help this great country. I am not disrespectful, but I am distressed greatly.
But I know Who is in control. And He knew how last night would go. He knows I fear for my sick children. He knows. And He loves me. He loves us all. Whether we acknowledge Him or not. He forgives. He forgets. He died for us. He sacrificed for us. Imperfect us. A lot of times, ungrateful us. And a lot of times in this country, defiant us.
I know people are searching. They are looking for a person to fill that hole or void. They are searching and looking, and He waits and wants us to come to Him. He wants us to find what we are searching for while we are looking everywhere but at Him.
I do it still. I try to fix and figure out and plan. I forget that He loves me. He loves me more than anyone. And when I am at my lowest and weakest, that is when I can see His work. I can see where He pulls me up.
So I resolve to try to live so He will know I love Him. I am not ashamed of Him. When I feel discouraged, I will turn to Him for encouragement. When I am fearful, I will turn to Him for peace. When I am tired, I will turn to Him for rest.
When someone hurts my feelings, I will let Him remind me to go on. When I am frustrated, I will let Him remind me that He is in control and is helping me. When I don't know what else to do, I will let Him give me answers.
Whether it's the election or the everyday problems of this time in my life, I will look to Him. He loves me and is waiting for me to turn His way.
"I Look to You" (Selah)
As I lay me down,
Heaven hear me now.
I'm lost without a cause
After giving it my all.
Winter storms have come
And darkened my sun.
After all that I've been through
Who on earth can I turn to?
I look to you.
I look to you.
After all my strength is gone,
In you I can be strong
I look to you.
I look to you.
And when melodies are gone,
In you I hear a song.
I look to you.
About to lose my breath,
There's no more fighting left,
Sinking to rise no more,
Searching for that open door.
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsty.com/selah-i-look-to-you-lyrics.html ]
And every road that I've taken
Lead to my regret.
And I don't know if I'm going to make it.
Nothing to do but lift my head
I look to you.
I look to you.
After all my strength is gone,
In you I can be strong
I look to you.
I look to you.
And when melodies are gone,
In you I hear a song.
I look to you.
My levees are broken
My walls have come
Tumbling down on me
The rain is falling.
Defeat is calling.
I need you to set me free.
Take me far away from the battle.
I need you.
Shine on me.
I look to you.
I look to you.
After all my strength is gone
In you I can be strong
I look to you.
I look to you.
And when melodies are gone,
In you I hear a song.
I look to you.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Tough Day
Andrew has had a tough day. As tough as it was, I could see God in almost everything.
I got a call from Andrew's cell. I was thinking about him and praying for him this morning when it occurred to me that if something happened to him, Pete's number is on his dog tags. I thought he was calling me to answer my "how are you" text. It was a classmate telling me to hurry over to campus - that he needed me. I raced over with two precious nurses and ran up the stairs into the building as fast as I could. He was smiling at me to let me know he was okay. His class was gone (except for the WHS grad who called me). There was an ASU police officer and Andrew's professor. Everyone was so kind. Andrew was okay and was able to walk down one set of stairs while one of my nurse friends pulled my car around. He was okay and starving. Sam was tickled to see him in the car in the pick up line. We came home and got him settled on the couch to rest. Dr. Zimmerman had kindly looked at him and did not see any obvious sickness. So I ran to the high school to get Will.
In the 25 minutes I was gone, Sam felt bad; so he checked his own blood sugar. Sure enough, he had dropped considerably in 30 minutes since I had checked him. He just did not eat anything like he should have. He waited until I got home to tell me that and that Andrew had gotten sick. Sam told me that he patted Andrew and told him he would be okay. He was okay when I got home - just very tired.
Had to take a break...the wind is blowing like I have never heard it blow at this house!
Anyway, we have Laura with us. She is helping me with the boys tonight. She, Sam, and Will are having a sleepover in Sam's room.
Andrew has not run a fever or anything yet, so we are keeping a close eye on him. I called the non-emergency line to let them know he is sick. They were very ugly (long story, and I will address it later with someone), but I hope they made a note of what I told them - for Andrew's sake. That was frustrating and made me cry.
Pete sent me a text and said he may be gone a few more days. Okay. Well, I just asked God to help me. My main help is not here on a bad day to be away. But we have done this before, and I know God is right here with us. Pete has no clue about our day. He is too far away!
So we are praying for a peaceful night. And we are praying for a calmer storm than is expected. When I had those random thoughts this morning, I know God was putting that in my mind so I would be more ready. And He has been with us and provided for us on other tough nights.
So we are praising Him in this storm - literally. As the wind and frustration and fear all swirl around us, we are comforted knowing the One who loves us the most is right here in this place.
Thanks for praying for our family!
I got a call from Andrew's cell. I was thinking about him and praying for him this morning when it occurred to me that if something happened to him, Pete's number is on his dog tags. I thought he was calling me to answer my "how are you" text. It was a classmate telling me to hurry over to campus - that he needed me. I raced over with two precious nurses and ran up the stairs into the building as fast as I could. He was smiling at me to let me know he was okay. His class was gone (except for the WHS grad who called me). There was an ASU police officer and Andrew's professor. Everyone was so kind. Andrew was okay and was able to walk down one set of stairs while one of my nurse friends pulled my car around. He was okay and starving. Sam was tickled to see him in the car in the pick up line. We came home and got him settled on the couch to rest. Dr. Zimmerman had kindly looked at him and did not see any obvious sickness. So I ran to the high school to get Will.
In the 25 minutes I was gone, Sam felt bad; so he checked his own blood sugar. Sure enough, he had dropped considerably in 30 minutes since I had checked him. He just did not eat anything like he should have. He waited until I got home to tell me that and that Andrew had gotten sick. Sam told me that he patted Andrew and told him he would be okay. He was okay when I got home - just very tired.
Had to take a break...the wind is blowing like I have never heard it blow at this house!
Anyway, we have Laura with us. She is helping me with the boys tonight. She, Sam, and Will are having a sleepover in Sam's room.
Andrew has not run a fever or anything yet, so we are keeping a close eye on him. I called the non-emergency line to let them know he is sick. They were very ugly (long story, and I will address it later with someone), but I hope they made a note of what I told them - for Andrew's sake. That was frustrating and made me cry.
Pete sent me a text and said he may be gone a few more days. Okay. Well, I just asked God to help me. My main help is not here on a bad day to be away. But we have done this before, and I know God is right here with us. Pete has no clue about our day. He is too far away!
So we are praying for a peaceful night. And we are praying for a calmer storm than is expected. When I had those random thoughts this morning, I know God was putting that in my mind so I would be more ready. And He has been with us and provided for us on other tough nights.
So we are praising Him in this storm - literally. As the wind and frustration and fear all swirl around us, we are comforted knowing the One who loves us the most is right here in this place.
Thanks for praying for our family!
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Update on the boys
Andrew is doing much better. He tried to run Friday, and he stopped around four miles. He was not getting anywhere, he felt. He does not realize that his recent pneumonia takes so much more out of him. In a lot of ways, I am glad he does not count that. But I wish he would give himself a little slack. He has enjoyed fall break - even rested some and ate well. He leaves our house around 6 or a little later every day and returns 12 hours later. Sometimes he can come home for a couple of hours in between everything. And that helps. He can fix his own food and rest up or study. I am so glad he has managed his time so well this first semester!
Peter is battling injuries as he tries to finish up cross country. I know he is disappointed, but he may run in college; so this is not the end of cross country. We need to get him better for track. He is enjoying his senior year and his friends. I am thankful for all of the great people he is around.
Will is busy as usual - running and biking anytime he can. He has not needed stitches in a while, and I am proud of him for that! Pete leaves again soon, so I will have to keep a careful eye on him this time! No hatchets in the field! He has come through a little tough time and learning experience, and I am thankful for the person he is. And I am thankful for the encouragers from different places. He is also.
Sam is so sick right now. He has a double ear infection, low fever, cough, and wheezing. He is still pretty sick, so he is missing tomorrow at school. Through all of this, his sugars have been pretty consistent. So we are thankful for that. He is so excited to go to a pumpkin festival in Virginia this weekend. He has talked and talked about it. We had a school meeting last week, and he asked when I could meet with his teachers again so he could play Legos by himself! He also ran his second cross country meet and was 8th in the 1st through 3rd graders. He missed a medal by one place, so we got him a Happy Meal which was much better since it came with a Scooby Doo Halloween bucket!
Pete leaves soon for his second overseas trip. He is so excited. I am not. I am excited for him, and I am happy he is so excited. But I have a dread about when he leaves. Last time it seemed so long. I am thankful for texting though! He had no clue when I was getting his texts. I had it figured out, but he never did. I got one every morning when I woke up - starting with the second morning. The first morning I did not hear from him and did not get a text until after lunch! I know it will go by fast with all of the boys' things. I am trying to get ready...
We appreciate all of the people who pray for us. We can feel those prayers. Sometimes we need them most when we are not in crisis mode. So thank you. I have had some huge answered prayers with Andrew's medicine this week. So I know people join me in praying.
Happy Fall!
Peter is battling injuries as he tries to finish up cross country. I know he is disappointed, but he may run in college; so this is not the end of cross country. We need to get him better for track. He is enjoying his senior year and his friends. I am thankful for all of the great people he is around.
Will is busy as usual - running and biking anytime he can. He has not needed stitches in a while, and I am proud of him for that! Pete leaves again soon, so I will have to keep a careful eye on him this time! No hatchets in the field! He has come through a little tough time and learning experience, and I am thankful for the person he is. And I am thankful for the encouragers from different places. He is also.
Sam is so sick right now. He has a double ear infection, low fever, cough, and wheezing. He is still pretty sick, so he is missing tomorrow at school. Through all of this, his sugars have been pretty consistent. So we are thankful for that. He is so excited to go to a pumpkin festival in Virginia this weekend. He has talked and talked about it. We had a school meeting last week, and he asked when I could meet with his teachers again so he could play Legos by himself! He also ran his second cross country meet and was 8th in the 1st through 3rd graders. He missed a medal by one place, so we got him a Happy Meal which was much better since it came with a Scooby Doo Halloween bucket!
Pete leaves soon for his second overseas trip. He is so excited. I am not. I am excited for him, and I am happy he is so excited. But I have a dread about when he leaves. Last time it seemed so long. I am thankful for texting though! He had no clue when I was getting his texts. I had it figured out, but he never did. I got one every morning when I woke up - starting with the second morning. The first morning I did not hear from him and did not get a text until after lunch! I know it will go by fast with all of the boys' things. I am trying to get ready...
We appreciate all of the people who pray for us. We can feel those prayers. Sometimes we need them most when we are not in crisis mode. So thank you. I have had some huge answered prayers with Andrew's medicine this week. So I know people join me in praying.
Happy Fall!
Do I Encourage or Discourage?
In recent weeks, I have been so tired. When I am tired, I am much more sensitive. My dear husband always (lovingly) reminds me that I say and do things that probably are not taken the way I intended them to be taken. He reminds me that I must give others the benefit of the doubt. And when he cannot deny there was some jabbing or mean stuff going on, he reminds me to be thankful for my many blessings and not let it bother me like it does! So sometimes I have to call someone else (if I dare!) and try to get them to sympathize with me. Sometimes I just want someone to say, "I cannot believe he/she said that to you!!!" But I realize that the best way is to let it sting and then let it go. I am working on that. I have had to work on it a lot lately it seems! Maybe it's me. But it has also made me think on whether I am encouraging or discouraging. Am I building up or tearing down?
When I was younger, I felt as if some people were the "haves" and we were the "have nots". That did not bother me most of the time, but sometimes it hurt when certain things were pointed out to me - a lot. So sometimes I tried to make sure that the other people knew I was not bothered by their attempts to bother me. I think maybe sometimes I came across as a little bit discouraging myself. I did not mean to be. I just wanted to make the point that what was really bothering me did not. Silly, I know. Silly to spend time even thinking about it. But I did. I felt knocked down and did not want the other people to know. I had so many people encouraging me, but the discouraging hurt; and I fought back a little bit. I am sorry for that now. I am sorry I was so sensitive, and I am sorry if I discouraged anyone while trying to let them know they had not discouraged me!
These days, I am most of the time different. Things that bothered me then don't bother me now. But things that do seem to bother me most concern my children. I appreciate help in helping my children, but I don't need competition or discouragement. They don't either!
So in dealing with my children, I have learned where not to tread - sometimes. I keep a close circle of people I can trust to ask opinions or advice or for their prayers or wisdom. God has certainly blessed me with some people who are always there with encouragement no matter what. And I try not to talk to too many people. As children get older, they don't want everyone to know everything about them anyway.
But lately, it's been me who feels discouraged. I sometimes have a feeling about things, and sometimes those feelings are confirmed. It's hard when it seems clear that someone is trying to discourage. I am not sure why anyone would think I would need discouragement! But it can happen in different forms - mean joking, jabs, being left out, being made fun of, not keeping a word, etc. Sometimes we imagine it's happening, but sometimes it really is.
So there is my husband again asking why I pay any attention when I have so many blessings. He is right. And he is right in reminding me that even though I try to be very careful (especially in some areas) that I hurt people's feelings too without meaning to or knowing it. So I ask myself if I am encouraging or discouraging. I will try harder to encourage and pay more attention to things that may discourage.
Just some stuff for me to think about...
When I was younger, I felt as if some people were the "haves" and we were the "have nots". That did not bother me most of the time, but sometimes it hurt when certain things were pointed out to me - a lot. So sometimes I tried to make sure that the other people knew I was not bothered by their attempts to bother me. I think maybe sometimes I came across as a little bit discouraging myself. I did not mean to be. I just wanted to make the point that what was really bothering me did not. Silly, I know. Silly to spend time even thinking about it. But I did. I felt knocked down and did not want the other people to know. I had so many people encouraging me, but the discouraging hurt; and I fought back a little bit. I am sorry for that now. I am sorry I was so sensitive, and I am sorry if I discouraged anyone while trying to let them know they had not discouraged me!
These days, I am most of the time different. Things that bothered me then don't bother me now. But things that do seem to bother me most concern my children. I appreciate help in helping my children, but I don't need competition or discouragement. They don't either!
So in dealing with my children, I have learned where not to tread - sometimes. I keep a close circle of people I can trust to ask opinions or advice or for their prayers or wisdom. God has certainly blessed me with some people who are always there with encouragement no matter what. And I try not to talk to too many people. As children get older, they don't want everyone to know everything about them anyway.
But lately, it's been me who feels discouraged. I sometimes have a feeling about things, and sometimes those feelings are confirmed. It's hard when it seems clear that someone is trying to discourage. I am not sure why anyone would think I would need discouragement! But it can happen in different forms - mean joking, jabs, being left out, being made fun of, not keeping a word, etc. Sometimes we imagine it's happening, but sometimes it really is.
So there is my husband again asking why I pay any attention when I have so many blessings. He is right. And he is right in reminding me that even though I try to be very careful (especially in some areas) that I hurt people's feelings too without meaning to or knowing it. So I ask myself if I am encouraging or discouraging. I will try harder to encourage and pay more attention to things that may discourage.
Just some stuff for me to think about...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)