Merry Christmas From Our Family!

Merry Christmas from Our Family!

As I sit here on a cold Saturday morning in Boone, I am listening to the soft tapping of sleet and hoping Peter gets back safely from his run on campus.  I have two hunters in Virginia, but I hesitate to call them as they will be watching for deer.  My other two are probably being spoiled in Virginia.  I cannot wait to have everyone home tonight!

I spent many hours working on my Christmas cards last night.  If you don't get one and want one, please email me your address.  I have a huge list, but I don't have everyone on there I know.  It's vandenbergwj@charter.net.  I love to send Christmas cards, maybe because I love getting them!  As my list has grown over the years, I cannot put a personal message in each; so I have resigned myself to the picture card.  In my haste to get them printed this year, I only had a picture and Merry Christmas.  My sister took the picture at the beach this summer when we celebrated my parents' 50th wedding anniversary.  My parents eloped and were married in Boone on King Street at First Baptist Church.  They came over from Abingdon, VA.  How funny that I ended up living here, and that our family has so many ties to Boone and Appalachian.

I love reading Christmas letters.  I sometimes wish we could have done more ourselves throughout the year.  I sometimes wish my year had been like someone else's.  But I think as I get older, I appreciate more and more what HE has for me.  Just me.  Sometimes I am happy to get through a day.  And that is enough.  And I have some people that I don't know that I follow on a blog, and they help my perspective.  And then I have a lot of people that I DO know, and they help my perspective.

In one conversation earlier this year, I said to someone that I had become someone no one wished to be.  That was an honest feeling, but it was also a revelation to me.  Do I want to be the person whose life seems so perfect that everyone wished they could be like me? But the real revelation is that that is not me and not what I should strive for.  I want to be that person who cannot do things on her own, and that makes it easier for people to see what God does in my life.

 I sit here with tears in my eyes thinking of a lot (I cannot even begin to remember all right now) of the precious reminders God gives me through the people He surrounds me with.  And some of you don't even know!  When God uses you, you don't always know it.  So please don't ever give up doing His work, because it reaps benefits.  It either keeps someone like me going, or it points another to His way.

Psalm 56:8 says that God has recorded all of my wanderings and put all of my tears in a bottle.  The rest of this Psalm is about David trusting in God, and he was not afraid of what man would do to him.  I know God sees me at my worst - when I am mean, when I am sad, when I am frustrated, when I want to give up, when I wonder, when I just want things the way I want them!  But I know God cares about every single tear I cry.  He cares about all of my hopes and all of my crushed dreams.  And He loves me more than I can imagine.

Which brings us to Christmas.  So much of my life is survival upon this earth.  But when we leave, where will we go?  If we know, we can have no fear.  A way was made for us by the ONLY Son of God.  When Jesus was born, he bridged the gap sin placed between us and eternal life with God.  All we have to do is believe Jesus is the Son of God and that He died on the cross for our sins - being the only perfect sacrifice (John 3:16 and John 14:6).  And then we know where we will go.  We have peace about that.  We want to share with others. This is why I celebrate Christmas, the birth of my King, my Savior, my Lord, the One Who loves me the most.

Recently, something scary happened.  And I heard Pete remark to someone that the person with the emergency knew where he was going when he died.  And though it is still awful and scary, what a difference that is.  If he had died, he would be with Jesus.  And he knows it.

****************

Just a quick update on our family:

Pete was called into the ministry earlier this year.  He is under the watch care of our own church.  He has already been teaching Sunday School for a long time and has added some preaching to his list.  We were sad that he participated in his first funeral recently for a dear woman who sat in front of us in church since the boys were little.  She never moved.  She was such a blessing, and we miss her; but it was so peaceful to see someone nearing her life's end who looked forward to seeing her Savior.  She did not talk much about herself but always steered conversations to Jesus.  Pete has been to the Holy Land twice this year and still loves that trip.

Andrew is a sophomore at Appalachian and runs on the varsity cross country team.  He works hard to make great grades and helps clean with Pete or keeps Sam to earn some extra money.  He continues on his infusion therapy once a week and has not had many respiratory illnesses this year.  We still continue to try to find other things to help keep him healthy, and he has a great attitude and great determination.

Peter is a freshman at Appalachian and lives in his dad's old residence hall.  He works on campus part-time and is greeted by a very happy blond boy with glasses when he makes it home.  He recently came to eat dinner with a few of his friends, and Sam was on Cloud 9 having him here.  He is running a little here and there and keeps very busy on campus.  I offer to wash his clothes, but I think he really likes doing his own laundry at school!  He still plans on majoring in business - where his dad was.

Will is a junior at Watauga High School.  He ran cross country this fall and has been busy hunting since the season began.  He has started putting up crown molding in our den and is going to make a new mantle for me soon.  He still bikes and rides whatever he can get on.  He is my worker who is always into something.  Sam just said recently that he wished Will was his twin so they could go to school together and be in the same class.

Sam is in the third grade.  He still has difficulties reading but is on a good track this year.  His diabetes is about the same, and he is very cooperative with his constant care.  He will bring an apple and his insulin pen, resigning himself to a shot when he wants to eat!  He checks his own blood sugar at school and gets everyone moving quickly when he gets low.  We are so thankful that he is around people who love him and care for him while he is at school!  He still loves Legos and Playmobil and spends hours in his room setting up scenes or putting new sets together.  He is quick to hug and tell us he loves us.

I still work at Blue Ridge Peds, and they all were on deck to help us when I had to run and get Andrew the other day when he could not see well or hardly walk.  It brought tears to see them with the wheelchair to get him, but also that they made him feel like a celebrity and not one bit bad or scared.  Before we left, almost everyone had checked on Andrew and me.  They are a great group of caring people.  We are certainly blessed with them.

Our family is so thankful for all of the wonderful friends and family God has given to us.  We wish you a Merry Christmas and hope it's the best and most meaningful yet!

Tough day...again

Today has been tough, and I am glad it’s almost time for Shark Tank!  It is rainy here and dreary, but that gives me a sense of peace tonight.  I am tired and weary.  I am frustrated and disappointed.  But most of all, I am thankful; and I have to let those feelings win.  Because even though it was tough, there were so many people helping and so many blessings.

Andrew woke up a little out of it.  He said he had trouble going to sleep and did not sleep well.  But he fell asleep two times on the way to take Sam and then for me to drop him off.  We had worked out our schedules so I could leave to go to “The Lodge” today with the girls.  Hence, the disappointment that I could not go after what happened.  I know I needed the break and the girl time and the sister time.  But I know that the bigger picture is the bigger picture.  And my sweet girls have already made some plans a little later for us, so it immediately gives me something fun to look to.

Anyway, I try not to bug Andrew, but I told him to call me if he felt bad or weird.  He had a paper to turn in, and he had a presentation.  He seemed worn out, but I decided not to worry but to watch my phone closely in case he called.  He did call.  He was talking slowly and with much effort.  He said he was feeling weird, almost like a drunk person looks.  He said that he had some double vision and could not read words off his computer.  Then he said it was weird, but his legs were not working very well.  He thought he would just take a nap before class.  I told him I would be right there.  By the time I got to him, he was not slurring his words but almost.  He was walking like Frankenstein, very jerky and trying very hard, too hard.  I hurried him right to the doctor’s office.  My sweet nurse friends took him up to the office in a wheelchair where his talking became stuttering.  They were assessing him while rolling him in, and I had run to park my car.

In the office, his blood pressure was high.  He could barely walk, and his double vision would come and go.  But he was still being a pleasant patient and smiling and talking, even joking a little, with the nurses.  So his mood was great even though he had a lot going on.

After labs and his blood pressure coming down on its own, Dr. Adams determined that he could leave.  His walking was improving at that point too.  Dr. Adams told Andrew he may have been trying to have a seizure when everything went into slow motion and confusion and his legs would not work.  But he said if it was that, it was good that it did not turn all the way into one.  And we have to look at any positive we can get!
We went to campus and printed his paper and turned it in and went to his presentation.  I was, of course, staying in the background.  At that point, I could barely keep up with him; and he was getting a little bit grumpy.  He was determined to go help at the track meet, but I told him he would not like it if something happened.  So he agreed to come home and rest.  He was worn out by then anyway.  The turnaround, though, had been amazing to watch.

His neurologist is out of town, but the one on call told Dr. Adams to tell us to watch him and call if anything else happened.  We are praying nothing does!

I know what made a huge difference today was what surrounded me.  There were so many friends who were encouraging and concerned and helpful.  They just kind of took over and quietly helped.  It made things so much easier.  And the calls and texts I got from the girls helped a lot too.  I knew people were praying for him.

We had dinner here last night, and we had six college guys and two high school guys eating.  When all of the college guys disappeared, we found them in Sam's room looking at his Legos.  Sam cannot wait for them to come back and see his Playmobil people too.  It was so nice to have them here, and we will start doing it more often.  Andrew had a good night with friends, and I am glad it was last night and not messed up by today.

Sam came home from school over 400 even though he had good numbers throughout the day.  I think he is back to a good place now.  I just always worry that strep has crept in when those numbers pop up unexpectedly!

Please pray for Andrew as he studies for exams.  He has worked so hard this semester, and he needs his brain to cooperate.  We keep praying these seizures go away and stay away.
And I am going to focus on being thankful.  I still think it’s a good idea to watch my sad movies that make me cry – just so the tears don’t come out as meanness later on!   And I know that God knows all about my fears and frustrations.  I came across this verse again this week.  Mrs. Thrasher gave it to me years ago:

“You keep track of all my sorrows.  You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
    You have recorded each one in your book.”  Psalm 56:8

He knows how I feel, and He cares.  He collects all my tears, and this is important to Him because He loves us.

Thanks for praying.

Quick Update

Andrew went to his immunologist early (b/c of insurance changes coming soon), so it was pretty routine.  We did labs, but we did not check his IG levels this time.  That was a little odd to me, but I think it was because he has gone all fall without any serious infections.  He had a terrible upper respiratory something when he ran his regional meet up in Charlottesville, VA, but he ran a great 10K.  His liver levels are still up on the higher end of normal but were actually down a little from a couple of weeks ago.  I very much dislike going back to the numbers watch, but it seems that that is what I do.

We also met with his neurologist and increased his meds a little bit.  We talked a lot about options that are running out and maybe other options.  Please pray for clear guidance.  And please still pray for healing.  I feel as Andrew reaches age 20 that I have run out of my encouraging words from others I have held onto for many years.  The teacher who told me he believed God told him to call me one day and tell me about his own son.  The people who knew someone who struggled with seizures but went to college and never had another.  Only God and I know what they all are, and I would explain; but it’s too difficult.  But I have held onto these stories that people have told me.  The scenarios seemed like they could work…but they haven’t for him.  I know he can have his own story.  I know he does.  But in coping all of these years, I have held onto some hope that involves me making things okay by a certain time.  I feel like we are running out of time.

When the nurse measured Andrew the other day, she rattled off numbers and then said his height, which was a full inch above what I thought.  Well, she miscalculated as I thought of the first number.  My hope sparked and then just deflated.  It seems he has run out of time to grow.  I have had the talk about height from so many doctors.  I have wanted to yell at someone!  Looking back, I feel like I did not push hard enough.  I missed the opportunity to help him.  I trusted people who were not helping him as much as I thought they were.  I know he is hard to treat.  I just wish I had taken him other places sooner and not been so nice.  I wish I had been pushier.  Then I think that I am wrong.  I know God knows.  I know He can still make Andrew grow.  I know Andrew does not have to.  I just look at it as MY failure.  And in this case, I do appreciate those of you who remind me how much your brothers or friends grew in college! 

I think I equate Andrew growing with his body finally healing and getting on track.  I know maybe that is not what is meant to be.  And that is hard to accept.  I realize as he gets older that it’s harder and harder for me.  I wanted to be able to send him out on his own in a good, stable way.  I am scared that I cannot yet do that.  On the other hand, he can make his decisions now – which can be good and bad.  We will be happy to help him, but it’s up to him.  I appreciate that he listens and takes part more in what is discussed.   And I am learning to let go more and more.  And that is hard.  Not because I am a control freak but because I want him to understand the whole story.

Please just pray for Andrew ~ that he can shake off some of these illnesses with such dreary futures and that he makes good decisions for his own health. 

Sam is good.  He has had some extreme lows and some unexplained highs.  But we love seeing those numbers in the 100’s.  When I checked him and showed him a 55 today, he fell back on the couch and stuck his tongue out of the side of his mouth being dramatic.  He knew he should feel bad, so he must not have been 55 long.  I told Pete at least he is recognizing more and more what those numbers mean so he can do something about it.  And I so appreciate his sense of humor.

Peter is home for Thanksgiving, and we have enjoyed actually spending a little time with him!  We miss him even though he is right across town.  And Will is good – just trying to get a deer.  I must admit I feel relief when he comes in without one again.

Thank you for your prayers.  Thank you for your encouragement.  We are so thankful.

Happy Birthday ~ Katelyn Elizabeth Ball

I cannot believe tomorrow is Katelyn's 22nd birthday. She has celebrated all of her birthdays in Heaven ~ if there is a need to celebrate when in Heaven on just certain days! I got a text this morning from a dear friend/sister. She asked something, and I knew exactly what she was asking about ~ Katelyn. We all come back to this place this time of year. It's sad, but it's so much more than that. The first years were hard because Katelyn was the first baby in the family and for most of our friends. We did not yet know about all of the blessings that would come. So we felt the loss and felt it very acutely.  We still feel the loss, but we can see how God has worked; and that gives us hope and peace.

 November 20th will always be a day of reflection for me. I can still feel that cinder block wall. I still remember having my brother right there with me ~ knowing exactly how I was feeling and sharing that time of sorrow and concern. I can see my mom sitting in the waiting room. I can see my aunt talking to my uncle. The memories are so sharp. I remember Little Caesars in Winston and the chair that a nurse brought outside the NICU for me to sit on while Whitney visited in the nursery. I remember driving my grandfather back to the road to go home in a small rental car. So many memories half my lifetime ago ~ that seem like yesterday.

I know He lives. And I know we will see her and others we have lost. What a blessing and what hope we have. If you don't have that, please ask someone about it now. The gift of eternal life is free and just needs to be accepted.


This is last year's post ~~~~~

I wrote this original post two years ago. I just read it again...and cried. It seems like it could not be 21 years ago, and then it seems like a lifetime ago. The first weeks were the hardest. Then the first months. God was with us. He is still with us even now - He never left. Never will.

I know one of God's tiniest angels
She slipped into our lives one cold night
Not meant to stay for long
This precious little bundle
She taught us love in her short time on earth
And when it was time to go
She slipped out of our lives
But not out of our hearts
Where she will stay
And we will see her again...in Heaven
(a revision of the poem I wrote a year after she died)

Every year is one year closer...

2011 Post This is actually last year's post. I just read it and cried. But it says what I would want to say again. I am adding some song lyrics to the end. So this is a long one.

Happy Birthday this weekend to my precious little tiny Katelyn Elizabeth Ball. Every day is one day closer to seeing her again (and those great grandparents mentioned in this post!). Thinking of the family and friends and praying that her life will still have a strong impact. ~~~~~~~~

I can remember it like it was just last week. I arrived at Forsyth Hospital in Winston where my sister was in labor with her first baby. She had found out about a month before that the baby was not growing and developing. We knew some of what could be, but we did not know much. I found her watching Little House on the Prairie while nurses hovered nearby and lots of doctors were readying to attend the birth. Because Katelyn was my sister's first baby, they really wanted to do everything they could for her and my sister. My dad would check on Whitney periodically, but he would turn a greenish color and have to leave. My aunt was begging my uncle for a cigarette, but he kept reminding her calmly that she had stopped smoking. I remember arriving, checking on Whitney and Dwayne, going to the Hanes Mall to eat (and not even being tempted to shop!) while we waited...and waited.

Then I fast forward to sitting in the hall straight up against a cinder block wall. Katelyn was there, and Whitney was fine. The doctors did not think that tiny baby would make it through the night. One of her pediatricians had mercy on Russell and me and invited us to say hi to Katelyn before they took her to Baptist just a little bit away. She was as long as a newborn because she was term, but she weighed less than three pounds. I remember yellow. Her hair or her skin. And I remember loving her with everything I had. And I remember how my arms ached so badly to hold her. Now I can grab one of the other children to hold when I feel that ache, but then there was no baby to hold. And we could not hold her. I am sure Russell and I prayed for her and over her. And that was one of the only times I was within an arm's length in her whole five weeks.

In the NICU, there are very strict rules with very good reason. Still, I drove to Stuart, VA, every weekend to spend time with Whitney and go with her to the hospital even though it meant sitting on the outside. I got a couple of glimpses, and Dwayne took some pictures. No digital cameras back then! And there is a video. I ached to hold this baby, see her, and get to know her. And somehow through the wall, I was able to do just that - get to know her through pieces of information and pictures. She was supposed to have only part of a kidney. She had more than they thought. She scooted in her tiny bassinet. She scrunched her face and tried to hide from Santa Claus visiting the sick babies. In her little life, she did have personality and fight and determination. And oh was she loved.

My grandparents arrived one day to see her. My grandmother announced to my grandfather that she was going to see the baby - whether he took her or not. They totaled their very large (enormous really) Cadillac on the way to see her - in Cana, VA. It was a multi-car accident where one car stopped suddenly and several cars bumped into the back of each other. My grandparents had to rent a car half the size of theirs and continue on the trip. They got to go in and see her - because they were great grandparents and not just aunts. My grandmother came out and said of my sister, "Well, she has herself a real live baby doll." That meant so much to my sister.

Whitney and I would stop at Little Caesar's in Winston to treat ourselves to Crazy Bread before returning to their home way out in the country. Dwayne worked the night shift a lot, so Whitney appreciated the time I could come. While I was there one weekend with another friend, one of their two dogs came back shot. The other never returned. We searched all over the area where they lived and realized that no one cared if they shot someone else's dog - especially someone with a dying baby. It was a bleak, sad time. I was in charge of cleaning the bathroom when I was there. I put myself in that job. I cleaned that tub so much it's a wonder the finish did not come off. It's hard to know what to do with the energy and feelings and aches sometimes. 

Dwayne and Whitney came to Bristol on Christmas Eve in 1991, intending to spend a little time with family and return to the hospital and Katelyn on Christmas Day. I remember the phone ringing in the wee hours of the morning. It was the hospital - no cell phones back then. They cared enough to know where to find them. Dwayne and Whitney rushed to Baptist. By the time we got there a little later, Katelyn was gone. I still remember every Christmas how that felt. Again, I can grab a child now and hold him or her; and for that, I am so thankful.

I try to go and visit her grave on Christmas Eve so I can tell her I love her - even though I know she is not there. It's just a quiet place for reflection and to thank God for what He has given our family and blessed us with.

That time was a hard time in my life too. I took time off from my life the next few months and returned to school to start on a second degree. Thankfully, God worked out my own situation; and I returned to North Carolina and my own life that had seemed suspended for a few months. I remember people being so kind and helpful and thoughtful and supportive. And I still remember times of being so hurt by something someone said that I did not feel I could stand it. Sometimes I remember to keep my mouth closed. I would not want to cause that same pain and confusion for someone else. I appreciate those who quietly prayed for all of us and were there when we needed them - not just pretending to care but allowing God to use them to minister to and sustain our family.

I know one of God's tiniest angels. She slipped into our lives one cold night not meant to stay for long. And when it was time to go, she slipped out again. But she left us with something so hard to explain. In her short little life, she made such a huge impact. I cannot wait to see her again and hold her. I don't know what she will look like in Heaven, and I don't have to know. I just know I will see her, and I will know who she is! 

Happy 19th Birthday to Katelyn Elizabeth Ball. Thank you for affecting my life in such a wonderful and loving way - even though it is not empty of hurt and pain. I love you so much, and I am so happy to know you are with the One Who loves us the most. ~~~~~ Even though it was indeed scary, her parents loved her without reservation. A lot of us did. And though it has been hard without her here, we have that HOPE that we will see her again. She is worth every falling tear ~ just as they all are!

All of Me (Matt Hammitt)

Afraid to love
Something that could break
Could I move on
If you were torn away
 And I'm so close
To what I can't control
I can't give you half my heart
And pray He makes you whole

You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start

 I won't let sadness
Steal you from my arms
I won't let pain
Keep you from my heart
I dread the fear
Of all that I could lose
For every moment
I'll share with you

You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start

And Heaven brought you to this moment
It's too wonderful to speak
You're worth all of me
You're worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you
Even if I bleed
You're worth all of me
You're worth all of me

You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start

You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start
It's where I'll start

You're an Overcomer!

I continue to see things that God put in place for us the other night. And I know there are so many more. I was thinking this morning. My sister-in-law left me a message the other day that said she had heard a song and had told me that when she hears it, she will think of me. She heard it and called to tell me she thought of me and to remember that I am an overcomer. The point of the song is that through Jesus we can be overcomers - not give up and give in to circumstances and hardships. I cried because the message was sweet. I appreciated the reminder but always want to be quick to point out that I alone am not anything. Only by His grace, mercy, and love can I do anything. And I know that is what Cindy was reminding me. I also probably felt a little "Uh oh", but I shrugged it off thinking that we had done well while Pete was gone. No one was very sick. We had a couple of low blood sugars (and some highs) but nothing we could not handle. We had gotten Will to school by 7:00 every morning for 0 block welding. That was a huge feat. We had done some major cleaning while Pete was gone and had even begun crown molding in the den (Will). So I saw how God was helping me take care of my responsibilities AND the things I needed to get done - the usual things of fall cleaning and organizing and just trying to simplify life. Cindy is so sweet. She always has been. She is way way above me on the sweetness scale. Reverend Thrasher used to say, "You remind me of my sweet little Cindy." That made me feel pangs of guilt, because I knew Cindy was so much sweeter than I am! Then I went to spend two weeks with Cindy when she lived in England. We had a chance to talk (I think I woke up talking, and I fell asleep talking!) and just do everything together for two weeks. I did not have any children yet, but Whitney was expecting at home. And Cindy was not yet even dating my brother. We became like sisters. And then I realized what Reverend Thrasher meant. We were a lot alike in the way we thought and what bothered us and what we needed to talk about. That made me feel so much better. Not only did I find a forever friend, sister, and ally, but I knew it did not matter if Cindy was sweeter than I am. She is a gift. A gift of someone who understands me and slips in quietly and is just there. She does the most thoughtful things and brings a comfort that only people with that God-given gift can bring. Today, as I remember her message, I know God was using Cindy once again to encourage me. He does - even if we don't see it clearly. But we feel it. He is our only constant. Our only Hope. How wonderful to have people who slip in and remind us of these things. I have some of the most wonderful family and friends anyone could have. I am so blessed. I don't know why God chose to give me so many supportive people, but He certainly did. I will update soon and not leave this blog hanging like I have been doing lately. I want to share what God is doing, because it helps me so much that others need to hear. He hears us where we are. He is with us where we are. He loves us where we are. Always. If my people stayed silent and did not share, I would not get those blessings He intended.

Another Tough Night

Last night was rough. Pete got in yesterday morning, and we were so happy to see him. Andrew left to go to a track meeting before 9:00, without me knowing. Pete went to bed, after traveling over 6600 miles in the last day, and he barely woke when a call came in. I noticed the different ring and asked him about it. He said he saw it was from Coach and thought he could not answer because he was in Israel! I went upstairs to ask Andrew why Coach might be calling, and his room was dark. My heart sank as Will told me he had left for a meeting. At that moment, my phone rang - Peter. He was heading over to the field house to check on Andrew. They had called him. I was in my pj's with my glasses on, ready for bed. I jumped in some clothes while waking Pete up. He got dressed, and we drove off with the flashers on. I drove while Pete talked to Peter. Coach had called me and told me they had called 911 since Andrew was purple.

I was in disbelief - not expecting the call since he has been doing so well for so long. I was sad, but I was determined to get to him as quickly as I could safely. We drove up to the stadium and were met with all of the lights from two fire trucks, two ambulances, police, and we were thankful that Peter's friend was waving us down and showing us where to go. I ran up the stairs to a crowded hallway with all of these people in uniforms. I worked my way past them to see Andrew. And they were clearing the way. They knew I needed to be right beside him. It was probably almost a minute before I realized that the fireman holding the oxygen for Andrew was Lonnie, a fellow church member and friend. Andrew was back, so I could breathe better. We answered questions and assured them that we have a night plan. We have figured out what seems safest and best at night to get rest. We walked a wobbly Andrew down the hall and down the elevator and out to the car. We thanked everyone and were thankful he was okay.

We got home and got him in bed. About an hour later, I heard him get up. His head was killing him. So we got him a little Pepsi and ibuprofen, and I tucked him back in bed in my spot. I was within earshot on the den couch (this is where the house plan works out well that our bedroom is where a garage was supposed to be originally). After that, we slept well until after 5:00. Everyone got to school and work on time. All homework had been done and finished up. I took Andrew to the doctor and got some labs (please pray the liver labs that crept up just a little will be normal when we check them again next week) and had him looked at before he went on to class. Most people would not expect someone to go to class the day after something like that. But Andrew does better on a schedule getting his stuff done. He does not like to be behind. Coach told him not to come to practice, and he was relieved to have a little break since he was so tired. He did well and came home this afternoon and took a nap. No headache today. Nothing. Just tired.

It's hard to know your friends and teammates saw you in that state. It's sad to do so well for so long and then have to start over. I know for me that the longer we go without an emergency, the better I feel. I am not fanatical about missing any phone call. I breathe more deeply and feel more at peace more of the time. Then something happens, and I am on high alert again. I sleep lighter and keep waiting for a call. I am sure Andrew goes through something similar, but he does not think about it all of the time like I tend to do. Peter put a post on FB about talking to God about these things and feeling the burden being lifted from his shoulders. So I have tried to do that today too. I let myself feel what I don't like to feel and get it over with. I keep praying. And this weekend, I will watch a sad movie to get the crying out. It's just stuff that seems to help after trying to do the main thing. Turning it all over to God. He is still in control. I don't have to understand. I don't have to think too far ahead (which I am so bad about doing this so much). And I will have to constantly remind myself and be reminded of this.

I pulled up the song by Fernando Ortega last night called "Jesus, King of Angels". It is a song about watching over this house tonight and keeping the fears and doubts away. It reminds me that God cares about every single little thing that happens. I will post the words below.

That's all for now. Andrew and I are watching Shark Tank. My world traveler is asleep as are my two blondies. I am enjoying the normalcy of this evening. Andrew runs in Regionals next week in Charlottesville, VA. Please pray for him to be better and be able to finish training. Please pray for safety for him and the team as they travel.

Thanks to all of those who pray for us. Thank you for caring for us. If you don't have this assurance, please ask someone about it. Andrew knows where he is going when he dies. I know where he is going. If I didn't, I cannot imagine facing this time and time again. Even Pete, flying across the ocean into what some consider a dangerous place, knows where he is going so ultimately does not do stupid things but does not worry needlessly while gone.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6wOhVh2bct8

"Jesus, King of Angels" Fernando Ortega

Jesus, King of Angels, Heaven's light Shine Your face upon this house tonight
 Let no evil come into my dreams Light of Heaven keep me in Your peace

Remind me how You made dark spirits flee
And spoke Your power to the raging sea
And spoke Your mercy to a sinful man
Remind me Jesus, this is what I am

The universe is vast beyond the stars
But You are mindful when the sparrow falls
And mindful of the anxious thoughts
That find me, surround me and bind me

With all my heart I love You, Sovereign Lord
Tomorrow let me love You even more
And rise to speak the goodness of Your name
Until I close my eyes and sleep again

The universe is vast beyond the stars
But You are mindful when the sparrow falls
And mindful of the anxious thoughts
That find me, surround me and bind me

Jesus, King of Angels, Heaven's light
Hold my hand and keep me through this night

Two Flat Tires ~ and the blessings found in them!

Two Flat Tires ~ and the blessings found in them I went to watch Will run in Hickory last Wednesday. It was so hot when Sam and I got out of the car in Lenoir to run into Walmart for Gatorade. We drove as fast as we could to get there on time, and I was a little stressed pulling into a parking spot – thinking the race was getting ready to start. We had left in plenty of time but had gotten stuck in traffic coming down the mountain. It was so hard to turn into the spot that I felt like my power steering had gone out! After the races, Will came out to check for me and found my front tire almost flat. I drove to two stations to put air in it before I remembered I have AAA! I pulled into the Hobby Lobby parking lot and waited for the tow truck. Sam and I went across the parking lot and got some dinner (mostly for him as he had not eaten in a while). We waited in the parking lot, and I looked longingly at Hobby Lobby wishing I had time to go in and buy even just one thing. The man from Fisher’s Towing came and put my spare tire on, and Sam and I were on our way home. We had the sweetest conversation about Heaven, angels, the devil, and Jesus. We talked about how things are not perfect on this earth and how God knows all and controls all, and that there is no way we can see the big picture. And that is why even though he (Sam) has diabetes and Andrew has seizures and other things (and Peter has nosebleeds, Sam added), we know God is in control and that there is a bigger picture. We trust that and know that God is good and loves us and takes care of us all of the time – even when someone is in a horrible situation. When he asked about angels, he brought up the time I was shaken awake to find Andrew in the floor beside his bed. We talked about how God uses people and can do things without people’s help (like shaking my shoulder in the middle of the night) when He is helping us. So the first blessing was the sweet conversation and time we had because of that flat tire. While we are thankful for the people who stopped and asked if we had help, and we are thankful for AAA, we are most thankful for the timing. And I was just in Hendersonville at a meet last weekend where I could have had a flat! The second nail was found this weekend while washing my car. I kept trying to spray something off a back tire and found a big roofing nail. Another one? We had already decided to get new tires, knowing we needed to in September or October. So I was thankful I found the nail BEFORE the new tires which are getting put on tomorrow! And at 45, I am so thankful for my dad who got my tires much cheaper than I could get them when I checked here. I have been trying to keep things in perspective – the right perspective. And the tires have helped me see things to be thankful for that I might have missed. Andrew did great in his first ASU meet. He was 11th overall and 4th on the team. As Pete puts it, if the race had been three yards shorter, he would have been 10th and 3rd on the team. But we were so excited for him to be up there and to stay up there. He has gained back a couple of pounds from the 5-7 he recently dropped. He really likes his classes this semester. Will is doing well so far in his meets. He ran the Son Run 5K this past weekend and won. Our family has run this race for many many years, and this may have been the last one! So we are glad he ran it and represented our family once again. Sam is doing well. He just turned nine and loves playing with Legos. He is getting so tall and loves to see Peter. He misses him more than he realizes. When they had the bomb threats called in for all of our schools last Tuesday, the first thing he said when he saw me was, “Mommy, I am not scared. I am not scared.” Bless his heart. Maybe I looked scared or stressed when I found him at the Methodist Church! Peter is loving school and says English and American History are his favorite classes. He has made a lot of friends and enjoys living in the same hall Pete did as a freshman! He works out a lot and is easing back into running. Our sermon yesterday really hit the mark. It really spoke to me. I have to slow down. I have to put things in better perspective. I have to take that time to “be still” and be able to listen and not always be running around or talking or even thinking so hard! I found a new CD that I love. It has hymns. Some are the hymns sung by some of my favorite artists. Others are remixed. If you google Nichole Nordeman and “Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus (Look Up)”, you will love that song! Thanks for reading. Thanks for praying for our family!

Updates and Changes

Andrew's appointments went well a few weeks ago.  We really had to work to get both appointments on the same day, so Sam ended up going with us; and we left very very early.  We had a hard time keeping his (Sam's) blood sugar in normal ranges as he would not eat breakfast - so unlike him!  He would not eat until after lunchtime.  But he finally straightened out and was a little bit droopy for the first half of the day. 

Andrew's pulmonologist is the best.  We saw him at a new location, and we found it pretty easily without a GPS.  I am probably the person who needs one the most, but the verbal directions from their office were great!  Dr.Black went over EVERYTHING with us.  He even told Andrew how to tolerate all of the antibiotics better and put things in his notes that other doctors probably thought but never shared.  Some of those things actually helped me feel better about "possibilities" lurking in the back of my thoughts.  Thinking hard on Andrew's illnesses can be helpful at times, but it can also wear me out.  Anyway, he was very happy with how he is; and he will check on him again in December right before Christmas.

Our next appointment was good.  At the immunologist.  Things seemed a little off kilter at the office, and we could not get labs due to the timing of the appointment (but they had changed it - not us!).  The doctor was kind and checked over everything (we took labs and office visit notes to both docs), and he knew what he was looking for.  The only bad thing I picked up on was that he no longer talks about when Andrew can maybe try going off the infusions.  He told me about a shot that was trying to get FDA approval.  I hate that he can possibly be tied to this for the rest of his life.  It's not just the drug or having to do it - but it's the cost hanging over his head.  Even though this is rare, insurance coverage can be horrible.  It is scary.  And all of the new stuff scares me because of trouble they have caused before.  Comments from an insurance employee like "He needs to get a new drug or a new insurance policy" are very scary to me.  It makes me mad, but I have been trying up until the next dose time to get meds so Andrew will not have seizures or something.  Fortunately, his drug company covers what insurance does not.  I know God has made this way for us to get him this one medicine.  And I should keep on trusting Him.  I just cannot help but worry what will happen if that help is no longer available.  I do not want him to die from pneumonia or a seizure because of an insurance company.  Those thoughts do lurk in the back of my mind too.  And I constantly have to pray about those worries.

The immunologist asked if I thought Andrew was better, worse, or about the same (like an eye doctor!).  I told him that he seems okay,  no worse, but I was concerned because of all of the respiratory infections he has had on the infusions.  I just now remembered that I do not have his latest numbers on his levels because they did not call me!  I will have to check on that on Monday!

Sam's endocrine appointment went well on Monday.  His a1c was up just a little bit, but we had already changed his Lantus dose (24 hour insulin) and ratios; and that has helped.  But he has had some low lows in the past few weeks, which is unlike him.  I hope he settles in well at school that starts on Monday.  It's scary to send him if I think he may be low.  He keeps going, so it's hard to catch.  And once he feels badly enough, he gets past the point of telling anyone.  That is just how bad it can make you feel.  I have already prayed that his teachers and others around him will be able to tune into how he does.

I think this is enough updates for one post!  I have more.  College, high school, and elementary school start this week.  I have been getting stuff ready for everyone and going to meetings, and not getting much accomplished at some of those meetings, etc.  I think I need to write a post about how parents feel and need to be treated sometimes!  I also had a big meeting about 911 calls that I probably should not share about.  But I can ask that people pray if I have to call 911 that I will get someone who will tune in and do their best to help me with whatever the situation is.

We appreciate those who pray for us.  We know the prayers are going up, and we can feel them.  And no matter how frustrated, scared, or even angry I get being a mother, I know God loves my children so much more than I ever could.  And I have to remind myself to keep that perspective when I walk through the difficult days.  No reason to make things harder, but I tend to!  Thanks!

P.S.  Andrew was 4th in The Bear out of over 800 runners!  And Will got 11th on his first trip up the mountain with a great time!!!

Andrew on Friday

We had a sunny day in Boone today, and, while I really don’t mind rain, I was glad for the break especially for those who had flooding.

I am asking for prayer for Andrew this Friday as we go to two appointments in Charlotte.  The first is a work-in at 8:30 at the pulmonologist, and the second is a few miles down the road at 10:00 with the immunologist.  We will leave super early because of traffic – which means we will have to get home as soon as we can after The Bear!

Andrew is looking forward to running the race again this year, but he is so tired this week.  I am trying to keep his “tired” in perspective – he could not finish his 12 mile run yesterday after church and had to stop at 11 ½.  Pete told him he could just run more today – of course he was kidding! 

For some reason, I have dreaded these appointments – well, one of them.  I keep thinking that the treatments (weekly infusions) were supposed to be 18 months to two years.  We have passed the two year mark, and he has struggled a lot with bronchitis and pneumonia-like illness since our last visit in December.  I looked back over his appointments, and I feel disheartened that he has had to take strong antibiotics several times.  This is exactly what the infusions are supposed to help.  And while he is still getting sick so frequently, I don’t think stopping them is the best thing for Andrew.

And there is more.  I try not to borrow more things to worry about, but it is right in my face.  And it’s overwhelming, and it’s hard.  And I worry that Andrew will feel discouraged which makes me feel like I have to hide mine.  So for the other things weighing in with these, I feel a constant pull and tug; and I cannot seem to let it go or get anything checked off my worry list.  And I know better!  I know so much better!

So Carla printed off Andrew’s labs since January, and I have his sick dates and prescription dates.  It just does not look like he is doing better. 

I know Who the Healer is.  I know Him very well, and I trust Him to take care of Andrew.  And it’s not that I think He needs me.  But I do feel that He called me to be Andrew’s mother, and I do feel He uses doctors and medicine to help people.  But it is never cut and dry.  There are choices, hard choices.  You have to choose the doctor and medicines carefully.  I have chosen before and wrecked something else in his fragile body.  I did not do it on purpose.  I have learned to listen and ask more and not just trust anyone.  And I believe Andrew has really good doctors who care about him and want to help him. 

Peter was really sick last Friday.  He had a horrible headache, and I tried to get him squared away so he could go to sleep and wake up much better like we usually do.  But he started throwing up and could not seem to stop or to feel better.  I methodically did all I knew to do (including calling a friend to run it by her!).  And I put my hands on him and whispered a prayer for him.  I practically had to carry him from the bathroom to my bed, and I could still do it.  And I wanted him to feel better fast.  I wanted him to turn the corner.  I wanted him well.  And when he finally fell into a fitful sleep, I made sure he had a cool cloth on his pounding head and a fan to give him some soothing noise and a cool breeze. 

And when he felt better, I wished all of their illnesses were like that.  Quick and then better.  No residual effects.  No rush to the ER or the specialist.  I let myself, in my tired state, feel a little sorry for myself.  I took my eyes off of Him, and now I am trying to regain my focus.

Psalm 56:3 says, “Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You.”  David was hiding from the Philistines.  Now there is real fear.  I think my problem is fear.  It’s not that I don’t trust God.  It’s not that I don’t have faith.  I just let that fear creep in.  And I know He is stronger than anything I fear.  But I get wrapped up in it.  And He will help me unwrap myself.  He wants me close to Him and not bound up by fear.

So please pray for Andrew this Friday – and this Thursday as he and Will will be running up Grandfather Mountain.  And Sam who has crazy numbers with no explanation right now.  And Peter who is starting to run again.  Please pray for me that I will be able to remember quickly Who conquers fear and everything else that comes against me, as a child of God.

Happy Mother's Day!

I am so blessed.  I have been blessed with a wonderful mother and am so thankful to still have one wonderful grandmother.  I grew up with a lot of grandparents and great grandparents.  They had brothers and sisters, so I also had lots of great aunts and uncles and great greats!  They all loved me.  While I did not realize how fortunate I was to almost have too many places to go on Christmas Eve, I sure was.  As they started dying, their loss was felt more and more; and I was so glad I took time to go to family reunions and had to when I was little!  It makes you understand yourself a little more, I think, when you see others acting like you - sometimes good and sometimes not so good!  But it was always entertaining and filled with fun. 

So tomorrow is Mother's Day, and I am so thankful for my mom and my grandmother and all of the others I have to help me through this journey.  I have an aunt who is like a second mom.  I have friends who are like second moms and have had to fill in from time to time with words of wisdom.  God has given me so much and so many to help me.  Sometimes we don't listen to the obvious people, and God is gracious enough to send others to get through!

When I was growing up, I knew my mom was the smartest person I knew.  She could help us with school work and with our projects.  She could make clothes for us and decorate our rooms better than any DIY network show.  She could work inside and outside the house.  She was thoughtful and took care of many people in many different ways.  She helped us with our spiritual walks and was honest with us so we would learn lessons that we would need.  My dad worked hard - six days a week for most of my childhood - so my mom made sure we were taken care of and that we had what we needed when we needed it!

When I was older, I remember talking to my mom one day and she was telling me she probably was not going to an activity she always enjoyed.  She told me things had been "different" or funny, but she did not know why.  That was the beginning of the end of her time at the church where we all grew up, got baptized, got married, held funerals, and had a huge family.  That time was the toughest my mom ever went through.  I remember she asked people what was wrong, and they would not tell her.  It was unbelievable how she was treated by people she had known for years.  It was almost like an Amish shunning.  To this day, she still does not know who stirred up what against her.  No one would tell her even what it was all about.  I harbor a tiny bit of bitterness there still that pops up when I see certain people acting as though they are working for the Lord.  I know they were involved and never have gone to her and settled things.  But I have to remember that I have probably unwittingly been a part of the devil's work at times too, so I try to not let it take root.  It was a hurtful time, and I am thankful it did not do more damage to her physically than it did.  My mom was diagnosed with MS in early 1996.

After weeks and weeks of hurt, my parents began attending a church where the pastor we had had at their previous church was an interim.  They have worked in that church and found lots more families to love and support and have gotten a tremendous outpouring of love and support.  I know God works things together for good.  Sometimes the journey seems as though it may kill us and that we will never recover, but He is always faithful and will never leave us.

Joni Eareckson Tada had a devotional that reminded us what we do to people may not be seen by them, but it is ALL seen by God.  So we are to watch what we do, and we should be assured that He sees all and will help us through what others seek to do against us.  That is comforting - for He is the One Who loves us the most.  I think knowing that got my mom through those dark days when she lost so many.

But then others were there who had been there before.  And they have always been and continue to be faithful friends who believe in the same One and want to work for Him and not their own selfish desires.

My mom is not perfect, but she is an example of the Lord living through her.  And she always points us, her children, to Him - not herself or what she thinks.  She shares things she has learned and is still learning, so we will be quickly reminded of the perspective we should have or strive for.

Happy Mother's Day to my mother.  She is an encourager, a supporter, a prayer warrior, a hard worker, a great example, a beautiful person, the most thoughtful person I know, a great seamstress, a great cleaner, the best chocolate cake baker, and so many other things.  But the most important job God gave her on this earth while serving Him was to be our mom.  We are so glad He gave her to us!

May 2 ~ 2012 & 2013

I wrote this email earlier today before we went to the neurologist.  We increased Andrew's new (old drug he took 2-6 grade) and will decrease the other main one until he is off of it in 5 weeks!  Please pray for his liver and for the medicine to work as well as it did before.

I thank God that He worked in the way He did last year.  And I thank Him that he brought it straight to my attention today in my Beth Moore book.

We are having Scooby Doo weather here today (misty and foggy).  Will has a mountain bike race, so we hope to end this day well!   Thanks!

~~~~~~~~~


This is the National Day of Prayer in our country - in case you did not know or remember!  I am reminding you, because I would rather be reminded now than late at night when I finally hear something about it on TV.

Today, as I opened my Beth Moore devotional for May 2, I saw something I had written last year.  The heading on the page is "When was the last time you felt like everything in your life was quaking except your stability in Christ?"  It talks about Abraham and being willing to follow in obedience and asking for guidance - even when we don't know where we are going or we don't understand.  It refers to the promises in Isaiah that God will satisfy our needs and strengthen us.  We can lean on His power - which has everything we need "for life and godliness."

Anyway, what I scribbled was "Andrew - seizure May 1 - pm.  Won 3200 conference May 2, 2012."  I remember Pete hesitating with the Diastat, knowing if he gave it to him, Andrew probably could not run his meet the next day.  And we both knew how hard he had worked and how badly he wanted to run.  But then we both said if something happened to him, he could not run anyway.  There should have been no way that Andrew could run the next day.  He could not even get up the next morning!  But he did, and he got to school in time to make himself eligible to run later that day.  He sat in a chair near me and drank Gatorade and water all day at the meet at Lenoir Rhyne.  And then he ran - the next to the last event.  I watched (in turn 4) and prayed and prayed as he went around that track.  Only a few others there knew what he had been through, and they were praying too.  He was so far ahead, but I was not sure he could run the whole way.  I had seen what his body had gone through the night before and knew the effects of his medication were still in him.  But he ran the whole way, and he won.

You know sometimes we need to feel that "pat on the back" from God?  I got one that day.  And He has given me many others.  I just need to be "still" enough to feel them and recognize them.  

So I wanted to share.  And you know it is not about the running or the winning - but about the bigger plan and Who is in control.  Because you know there are many other days that do not have this ending - especially for Andrew.  God's timing is perfect.

Thanks to all of you who help us in so many ways!

National Day of Prayer

Tomorrow is the National Day of Prayer.  While I am so thankful we still have it in our country (and we certainly should!!!), I have read articles that make it seem like some people want "politically correct" prayers being prayed in Washington.  I don't know if it's true, but it caused my heart to hurt.

After all, we are praying to God.  He is the One we should be trying to please.  When we ask ourselves "What would Jesus do?", we should look in the Bible to see what Jesus would do.  If we are not sure, we should err on doing the best right thing we can after praying about it.  We should not look to ourselves for that answer, but to God.  When we look to ourselves, we find our own agendas, our pride, our flawed perspectives, etc.  When we look to God, things become clearer.  They won't always be totally clear here on this earth, but looking to God and asking what He would want us to do sure helps us make better decisions.

Making better decisions will not allow as much compromise.  Looking to God will keep us from voting for things that are clearly wrong in the Bible.

We should not confuse loving one another with loving and accepting all that people do.  If I hated sinners, I would have to hate myself first.  I sin.  I have to ask forgiveness.  I get up and keep trying.  I do this constantly.  But I know that justifying what I do (when I sin) by making other people accepting of it has nothing to do with right or wrong with God.  Sin is sin.  Wrong is wrong.  It does not matter who does it, who supports it, or who accepts it!  I must look to God.  He is the One I care about pleasing.  He is the One  Who sent His precious Son for me!  No one else did that .  No one else could do that!

Do I compromise?  I do all of the time.  I don't want to step on toes or hurt feelings.

Do I ride the fence?  I am sure I do more than I realize.

But I know what is clear to me.  I will not vote for abortion or those who wish to keep it legal.  I read an article today about a doctor on trial for late term abortions.  The babies would have lived if he had not killed them as they were born.  Have you ever seen a newborn baby?  Would you be outraged if you saw someone kill a newborn baby right in front of you?  Would it hurt?  Would it be awful?  Why is it okay to kill babies in a hospital or clinic?  Why?  Is our country that "off" that we just seem to accept it?  If someone has an abortion, are they happy they had one?  Do they live their lives in blissful peace?  If I did something and really did not realize the consequences, why would it haunt me afterwards?  Maybe because it was wrong?  And we have a loving and forgiving God.  But we must ask for forgiveness.  I am so thankful He wants us to ask, and He does forgive.

I am so disappointed our President and other leaders have come out supporting gay marriage.  I don't want a  President who does not seem to mind that he is supporting what the Bible says clearly is wrong.  I respect our President, but I won't vote for him.  I don't like him.  I wish his term was up.  Maybe some can overlook this because of the economy.  What is more important?  Looking to see if Jesus would support something like this or our economy.  Maybe our economy is a reflection of our country's direction.  And that direction scares me.

But then I remember Who is in control.  I remember to Whom I will answer and do answer to today.  I can call upon Him, and He is there.  None of the others are.  None of them can help me.  None of them died to give me eternal life.  But Jesus did.  And He will stand beside me on judgment day.  The least I can do is stand for Him while I am still here!

So tomorrow, I will pray for my country.  I will pray for the wavering hearts, the lazy hearts, the bad hearts, and all of the others.  I will pray for the ones who want us to look to God to stand strong and not be caught off course, derailed by the devil himself.  I will pray for myself - for guidance and wisdom and to know when to take a stand and when to not be silent.  I will pray to be brave and to sacrifice and be more willing to share what God has done and can do.  We all need to start looking up and stop being derailed.

Have you seen "The Passion of the Christ"?  How could you watch that movie as a believer and not feel what Jesus did for us?  And all we have to do is accept His gift of eternal life.  And if we accept it, we should want to stand for Him.

And do you know what happened to Mel Gibson after he spent so much time and money on that film?  I firmly, very firmly, believe that the devil was after him and caused him to fall and fail in so many ways.  I believe he was attacked, so he could not do more than he did to spread the good news.  I have prayed for Mel Gibson.  He may still be living a relatively normal life if he had not stepped out and given us this gift of a movie about our Lord.

It's okay not to be popular.  It's okay to feel lonely sometimes.  It is nothing compared to what Jesus felt on this earth.  It's okay to stand up.  But if I stand up in God's name, I had better be looking at Him and not my own agendas and pride.  That means being firm and unwavering, but it also means standing because the root of the stance is love.  I love my country.  I love the people who disagree with me.  (Although sometimes I don't like them.)

PRAY.  Pray to the One Who loves us the most.  He will give us the direction we need.

A Quick Update!

Sam's appointment in Charlotte went much better than I had expected yesterday. His a1c was down almost a whole point and in a much better range. I told Dr. Parker it's hard to work so hard for a "C". He told me yesterday was an A+. But I told him we do the same stuff and never know what the number will be. So we talked about what to do, and we do those things. So he really encouraged me and said some things that others have told me - so maybe it will stick better! (Some of you know I was really anxious and discouraged about all of the diabetes stuff!)


We got to shop for some stuff we needed to find, and that was fun. We did not do much, but Sam says Pottery Barn Kids is his favorite store! He looked at Lego books while I looked in the store! One of the girls helped me with a purchase, and she also showed me how to make a bed the way they make them in the store. I just always want to crawl right in one because they look so comfortable!

So Sam is squared away with his numbers for the time being. We will get his new lenses for his glasses today - not as strong and thinner. He was sick off and on all last week with something that made his side hurt and made him run a fever one day. So he missed more school which is not a good thing for him. But we worked and worked at home, and he finally has mastered something he has worked on for months.

Andrew is still coughing a little bit. He had two antibiotics three weeks ago together, and they stopped working. So we called his pulmonologist, and the doctors started him on another, stronger antibiotic. This one can make you tear or pull something easily, so he has taken off two weeks from running. He is almost done with it, so the cough bothers me a lot - even though it's little compared to what it was.

The good thing is that his thyroid labs are finally normal. His new seizure drug is almost in a good range, so hopefully he can start cutting the other. His liver labs were good, but they need to stay where they are and not go up. I try not to think about that too much. He is usually in a great mood and is almost finished with his freshman year at Appalachian!!!! He loves most of his classes and has worked very hard. I cannot say enough about how Appalachian has worked with him and for him. It has been the best place for him - and so many different people have been a great part of that.

Peter goes back to the foot doctor at the end of May, and we are hoping he will get out of that brace sooner than later. He was interviewed for the radio last week. Since he is going to Appalachian, he answered questions about his dad, mentioned his aunt, and talked about Andrew. I am excited to hear it. He is thankful to have a place to start running again, and Sam and I have started college shopping for him.

Will is doing better in some places where he has struggled this year. He continues to be a big help to me, and I continue to try to keep up with him and help him keep his commitments and responsibilities (as opposed to just being frustrated with him all of the time). He has had a taste of success, and I think he likes it!

Pete just got back from Israel last Thursday. He had a great trip, but he was ready to get home. We missed him more this time, I think. I know I had a harder time with him gone. We are thankful he was a huge help on his trip and that he was safe and got home when he was supposed to!

Thanks for praying and asking about the boys. They really helped me a lot while he was gone - without me having to ask. Doing Pete's cleaning jobs and taking the trash to the dump were the hardest "extra" tasks to have in an already busy week. But they took turns helping and taking care of Sam. I am so thankful for them.

Have a great week! Thanks again for praying!

Gone again!

We dropped Pete off at the airport yesterday...again.  Here is his itinerary for anyone who wants to follow along!  http://www.templetontours.com/holyland/30401.pdf

I felt a little more clingy yesterday and told him that I would be sad - but we were happy for him to go!  It's hard the first bit, knowing he is gone for that long.  But some people are gone a lot longer.

Sam was a little clingy too.  He ate his lunch with one hand on his daddy's leg.

We always get rushed right before we drop him off - and he was on the phone with a potential problem; so we did not talk much in the 10 minutes before (I hope the late person was okay and got to her airport in time!).  So all of the sudden, he was gone!

Sam went to sleep, and I made a decision to drive a little extra and treat myself to a trip to the Pottery Barn Outlet.  Sam and I had fun looking, but we only went in a few more stores because of shopper's boredom (his) and rising irritation (mine!).  But instead of getting frustrated, we just came on home since we found some great bargains at one of my favorite stores - things actually on our home list!

We stopped at Krispy Kreme, and it is hard to believe a dozen doughnuts can disappear so fast!  It's just a good thing we don't have one in Boone!  A really good thing.

Today was hard.  I woke up tired, and it went downhill from there.  The highlight of my day was talking to my grandmother who has hip surgery tomorrow.  She turned 88 last week, and she has not been able to do much for months due to arthritis pain.  So I told her we would jog around the block soon.  We laughed and laughed - our favorite thing to do on the phone.  I remember once she called and said my life sounded like "Little House on the Prairie," because I had a pipe burst, a furnace problem, and a few other things at once while Pete was out of town.  When Andrew got sick, I called her and told her I had turned into "Marcus Welby, MD."  It made things seem not so heavy when we laughed.

Anyway, I knew the devil was after me today.  He would not let up.  He hurt my feelings and jabbed me at every point and in every chance. Once I realized what was going on, I prayed harder.  My boys have worked hard to get stuff done today to help me, and it makes a difference to look that way instead of the way I was looking - down and out and feeling sorry for myself.

Andrew had some labs and will have more this week.  He has some odd things that may be fine.  He has slightly elevated liver labs, but they are still in the normal range.  I hoped my AST and ALT watching was over, but here we are again.  We are trusting for good, low numbers so he can continue to take his seizure meds.  AND we have to get his cough under control.  It's no better with two antibiotics, so there was a call into another doctor when I left today.  I guess feeling overwhelmed is something I do more than I think.  But I am praying it is all good and will all be fine.  Andrew certainly is not worrying today!  He is just out there doing what he should.

Thanks again for all of the prayers.  We appreciate them so much!

Prayers

Andrew has another week and a half before we get his labs. We will be checking his medication dose to see if he can start going off another medication. And, we will be checking his liver levels. He will also have his thyroid checked to see if he is finally on the right dose - after months of being off. Please pray that all is well and that this new plan will help him. The medication he is taking now was stopped in the 6th grade when he developed undetermined liver disease. If it was auto-immune hepatitis, it disappeared and never came back. Sometimes not knowing something can be a blessing, but I am praying hard that his seizure meds were not the cause after all. And if three doctors have agreed (one is the gastroenterologist) that it's okay to try them again, then that in itself is positive (and really unheard of) to me. I know God worked all of that out.


In my April 4th entry in my Beth Moore devotional (tomorrow is Grandmother's 88th birthday!), I highlighted what she said. "Faith is God's invitation to make the impossible possible. He is glorified when we are enabled to do what we're unable to do." I know that I do not know enough to take care of Andrew (I am unable) - yet God has sent us to some wonderful places with help. And we have had to leave seemingly good places that did not help him and find others. He has worked all of this out. I "ran" the disease category on Jeopardy last night. I only missed one question but actually had the correct word in my answer. I am not a medical person, so knowing Andrew has gone to places with such wonderful doctors is totally God's thing. And it is easier to look back now and see it. And I cannot ever forget that He will not stop now - even if things get muddled and confusing again. He is in control.

And talking about being unable. Pete and I can both say that we never saw leaving the hospital with Sam. I remember him calling me to tell me he had given him a shot for the first time. I asked him how it was. One of my dear friends stopped by to check on Sam when I had to check his blood sugar for the first time. Sam and I both cried, and she cried with us. But it all got better, and we got to take him home in record time. And most newly diagnosed diabetics that sick are shipped to Charlotte or Baptist, but we were able to stay here and got the best education we could in the time we were at Watauga. God had just the right nurses, from the ultra conservative in ICU to the funny male nurse in pediatrics, to help us on the start of that journey. Now all of the boys check Sam and figure up and give him shots. While I need more back up people than just Laura and my sister, I am grateful for the people at school who take care of him when he is there. They were willing to learn and do. One woman said she just worried that when Sam left HP that he would remember her as the person who always gave him shots in his bottom. I told her not to worry - we all have to do that! He would remember her as one of his helpers.

Peter just decided on a school! It's great to be a Mountaineer! He is going to walk on at Appalachian since he cannot run until probably July. He is excited, and we are so excited for him!

Will is Will and is going through a little rough patch in one area right now. While he is too old for me to share details, he could use prayer in getting some stuff straightened out. He is such a good boy and has so many gifts. We all get off track sometimes and seem to struggle instead of to thrive in certain areas. But I am thankful that in the ones that count the most that he is great. He is very thoughtful and helpful at critical times. I am praying to get some things worked out for him that will make his life better.

Pete leaves next week for another 10 day trip. I am excited for him and dreading it a little for me! That is a long time for him to be gone! But we have done it before, and everything has worked out. I thought I would worry about him being in danger while he was gone, but really I never had time to go beyond the first thoughts. And when we did have the chopping the thumb incident and the seizure, we had people to step up and help.

Thanks for all of your prayers. Thanks for your encouragement and help. Thanks for being part of God making the impossible possible. We can look around and see SO many blessings. Sometimes they are so clear and so abundant that it is truly overwhelming.

I have so many on my heart with sickness and financial problems and family problems - so much heartache and hurting. If you are one of those, I am praying for you individually. And if you think I don't know, be assured I pray collectively. I know people pray for me without knowing what is going on. They answer that "nudge" to pray. Having that hope that only comes in Christ Jesus makes ALL the difference no matter what we go through in this world, our temporary home.

Happy Spring! Even though Easter is gone, we can still celebrate it all year!

Thanks again!

Two appointments ~ quality time with boys

Tuesday, I was able to spend the whole day with two of my boys!  Sam had a great day with Peter - he loved having Peter's attention and just hanging out.  I think Peter enjoyed a break from school to spend the day with us!

Sam's eye appointment went well.  We got there a little early, and they took us right back.  He had to do the whole, long exam.  He sat right in the chair and answered all of their questions.  When Dr. Saunders checked him, he found his eyes are slightly better...again.  The goal for him, being farsighted, is that his eyes get so much better that he only needs thin glasses.  Dr. Saunders said he checked him three different times for something, and Sam consistently gave the same answer.  I thought it was sweet when Dr. Saunders asked, "The first one, the second one, or are they about the same?"  Sam would quietly answer, "Yes."  Then he started answering one or two. 

We left and went to the mall for lunch.  Peter's appointment was not for another couple of hours.  We ate and looked around a bit.  Peter and Sam went to the sporting goods while I checked on a few things on my "running" list (the list I always seem to have something on!).  Then we took off for Peter's appointment.

I guess I was like Peter - thinking he would be able to stop using his foot brace as much.  But the doctor wanted him to continue to wear it for two more months and then come back.  Then he said he would probably have Peter continue to wear it for two more months and come back.  If all was well then (four months!), he would consider letting him take it off and start doing some things.  Peter was so disappointed - to say it lightly.  I reminded the doctor that Peter wanted to run in college.  He smiled and said he remembered.  He also said if the foot is not healed, that some people end up with screws in their feet.  I guess it's the bone and the location that makes it so hard to stay healed.  I knew not to talk to Peter too much, so I told him to pray about the first two months and go from there.  In the meantime, I told him we would check into a membership at the Wellness Center so he can swim and work out.  And, we got Krispy Kreme doughnuts on the way home to help ease the disappointment!

It's not the end of the world, but it's the end of Peter's high school career.  He did try to run on that foot for over a year before we found the problem.  I feel really bad about that, but now it needs to be fixed correctly so he can go on from where he is now.  It is hard to see him disappointed, but he is learning one of life's lessons for sure. 

So we rode home in quiet - with Peter listening to music and Sam sound asleep.  It was a long day, but it was a treasured day with two of my biggest blessings.

Today is an unexpected snow day - a great day to catch up on school work, watch some good movies on Netflix, and work on scholarship apps!  I am glad my boys had this unexpected break - their mommy needed it for them!

Thanks for praying for my boys!

We HOPE

This has been a rough week.  Really really rough.  Pete spoke last night in the Wednesday night Bible study at church.  I told him in the car that he could have helped my week if he had practiced on me earlier in the week ~ I needed to hear what he was sharing!  He talked about the ONE name above all names.  And the ONE person who can save us.  He told some funny stories to illustrate, but he spoke from Philippians and reminded us to give our burdens over to Him.

Monday night was one of those bad nights.  Andrew had a short but terrible seizure.  He was so locked up that he trembled badly coming out of everything.  When he is lying there not able to yet move, but his eyes are looking at me telling me he is okay, I am relieved but trying to figure it all out.  I am thankful yet dreading another time?  When will it end?  Will it?  Will he be okay?  Will he have a seizure at night and get sick and die without me waking up?

One time I shared that I was nudged awake.  I was.  I have NO doubts.  And I know Who nudged me.  I have felt fear, frustration, despair, and many other things over this.  I dread seeing my phone light up when Andrew is away from me (which is a lot).  Is he okay?  Is someone calling from the college or the track meet again?

I try not to baby him.  But we drive him around when we need to.  We turn up the ringers on our phones some days and hope they don't ring with an emergency.  I have hovered around buildings on campus waiting for him just in case.

We take him to doctors.  We get his medicine - even if we have to fight or beg for it.  And most of all, we love him.  We are his biggest fans and supporters - his family.  We cheer him on.  We are proud of him.  We are inspired by him.  We enjoy being around him.  We love laughing with him.

Yet...he scares me so badly sometimes I am not sure if I can take any more.  That is this week.  I had a tough night with Andrew in a lot of ways.  He had the seizure.  I felt the effects.  I hated the seizure.  I was scared that 911 would  not send someone in time.  I was afraid he may have another.  I did not sleep that well on the couch.  Instead of waking up feeling better and thankful, I woke up the next morning crying.  Uh oh.  That was not good.  I felt defeated and sad - in a lot of ways.

I have prayed.  Others have prayed.  Pete and I prayed over Andrew after the trauma passed that night.  But the dread had set in again.  I hated that Sam sat on the couch not moving while EMS came into our home to check on Andrew.  I could not seem to stand any of it.  And have no doubts, we prayed a lot, loudly, while all of this was going on.

My nerves felt shot.  We all get to that point when we feel we have been put through the wringer.  I told Pete that the least little thing seemed huge.  I felt so weary.  I wanted to crawl in a hole and only let a few people get close.  I just felt detached even though I knew better.

That was a lot for Tuesday.  Then Wednesday I woke up not crying but with an idea.  The idea that I thought maybe we could try this summer started tonight.  Andrew saw his neurologist today - even when he did not have an appointment yesterday morning.  It went so fast.  The doctors I talked with were on board and thought the idea was reasonable.  The negative is that if it does not work, options are running out.  But I cannot dwell on that right now.  I am too busy praying this will work.

Sometimes I get answers correct on Jeopardy because I don't have more information on a subject to confuse me.  So it's the answer I know, or I don't know the answer (not a clue).  I told Andrew's doctor that my limited knowledge made things simpler for me sometimes - even in his complex medical conditions.  That is why I understood the idea that did NOT come from me.  God sent it. I know He did.  He worked it out.  I had this idea over two years ago.  I did not think it up myself then either.  And I was so upset this week that I would not have remembered easily - I was trying to take a break from thinking too much or too hard.  So the idea replaced the tears of the day before.

Andrew started a third medication tonight.  He will take it for a few weeks.  We will do some labs and hopefully start taking away the other medicine.  We need TWO big things.  We need his liver to be okay.  And we need this old drug that we stopped using when he was in the 6th grade to control his seizures.  That is the simple part.

With all of his health issues, who knows why anything happens.  He does not follow a textbook case in anything he has.  So this is a good time for him to take something unlikely to work and let it work anyway.

Tough week.  But it's a week when I have felt my arms being held up to keep the waters from overflowing.  Maybe this week was harder so I would listen to the idea whispered in my ear.  Maybe being brought down allowed me to be still.

Thanks for praying for Andrew.  Please keep on.  We HOPE and pray this will work.

Quick Update

Just a quick update:

Andrew is doing okay.  He is very tired and not feeling like himself, but we are still working on getting his thyroid medicine right. And he has increased his seizure meds to where they were before the insurance gave us fits.  He is working hard and running hard.  His days start well before 6:00 am, so I am glad spring break is coming soon for him!  He can rest and watch Net Flix and rest some more!

Peter got his leg brace today.  It fits from the top of his lower leg to the end of his foot.  It will keep his leg/foot straight so his foot will continue to be in the proper position for healing or to keep it healed!  We were fortunate to get to Hickory and back before it started snowing...again.  So now, it can pour.  We got that checked off the big list!  Peter goes to DECA on Sunday, and we will miss him.  He will be back Wednesday.  His senior year is flying by way too fast.  He goes back to the foot doctor mid-March to see if his foot has healed.

Will got a new bike...again.  Only this child could sell his bike and then buy another - in an ICE STORM!  I had to fuss at him for wheeling and dealing on his own.  It is a pretty bike, and I hope it stays around for a little while!  We have talked and walked and talked about settling down and being satisfied with what we have.  It's a problem a lot of us have these days - we need that good deal!  (It runs in my family - not naming any names!)

Sam is doing well.  He has a long check list that he is not aware of...yet.  It consists (and is still in my head) of all of the things that bother me.  The things he is behind in, the learning difficulties he has, the goals he has not met.  I am just going to tackle them - with God's help.  His sugars have been mostly good.  He has a little cough but has not been sick.  We are so thankful for that!  He said one night out of the blue recently (I put it on FB already) that I would not have to remind him in Heaven to check his blood sugar because his pancreas would work!  He understands more than we think!  And what a great reminder!

Pete is not sure when he will be going on another long trip - maybe not until fall.  So I have started bugging him about finishing up the bathrooms and moving on to some other projects!  Will is still on standby too!

I cried all the way to work the other morning.  Pete drove because it was pretty icy.  A song came on, and I don't remember which one it was, and I just had tears rolling down my cheeks.  Pete prayed with me and for me.  He reminded me to keep casting all of those cares and worries.  And I keep trying.  It felt good to have reminders everywhere in the past two days that HE is with me.  There were so many things that I know were sent from Him directly to me - reminders of how He cares and how He provides.

Today, I heard a Quick Word with Beth Moore THREE times!  The scripture was Jeremiah 33:6-16.  I am going to go back and read it a few more times.  There was a reason I heard her three times today when I miss her most days.

There are so many things that make my heart heavy - so much sickness and so much sadness.  I have been reminded over and over that He is in control.  He loves us and cares for us.  I praise Him because of Who He is!

Jumping Over the Stumblers!

The other day I read a devotional by Joni Eareckson Tada. She was writing about “Insults” and how she felt indignant about the way she had been treated in an airport. She referenced I Peter 2:23 which tells of Jesus not retaliating when insults were hurled at Him. He “entrusted Himself to Him who judges justly.”


When someone hurts my feelings, it is easy for me to feel sorry for myself. Then instead of hurting them back, I want to drop “hints” that what they said did not bother me! I have wasted a lot of time on this quest, which probably never turned out the way I wanted or intended. I thought if I was not hurting back but let them know they did not bother me, the hurt would not cut so deeply or hurt so much. But it hurt me more and took up even more of my valuable time. Jesus did not waste His precious time on this earth. Should I?

I find when I am in the middle of a crisis, I do not have time to second guess what someone meant when they wrote me a note or sent me an email or made a comment. I don’t have time!!!! My time is spent on whatever the crisis is. Maybe later, I think back and wonder; but during the time, I simply don’t have time! Instead, during those times, I draw nearer to the One who never hurts me but simply loves and helps me. I draw nearer to the One who loves me the most. Why should I care about others?

I guess because I am human? My first reaction is to retaliate – whether it is to hurt back or to be passive and make sure the person knows they did not hurt me. Maybe they did not mean to hurt me or be insensitive in the first place. I have had people tell me that they could not be me. It was not in a flattering way. It was telling me that they could not deal with some of the things I deal with. They may have meant it as a compliment, but it made me feel even more burdened with my already heavy burdens. This is when I am looking at ME instead of Him. I can be so overly sensitive and can make up things that are not even there! Who has time for that?

So there are ones who maybe mean to be encouraging but do not come across that way if they are not good with words or I am overly sensitive. Then, there are the ones who are really out to get me!

What to do about those? I am fortunate to have had very little in the way of purposeful discouragers. Along the way, I have wondered at some people who wanted to make sure I knew my children were not perfect. And it is hard when it has to do with children. But some of the comments and consistency of the discouragement made it seem very much on purpose. I tried to look at what I did and said and tried to see if I somehow was doing or saying something I should not. After that, I had to pray and move on and hope not to be around the person quite so much. Sometimes I was around them for years! But being on the other side now, it was a good lesson for me in how not to let those things bother me.

Then were the ones who picked at everything I did like it was their mission in life to point out anything I did wrong and make sure everyone knew about it. That is hard to live with for long periods of time. Thankfully, none of this happened at home. So home was a good respite, refuge, and rejuvenating place. I literally let people steal my joy! Who has time for that?

Sometimes it can be hard and blatant, and sometimes it is easier to ignore and go on. What Joni reminded me of was a different perspective. Do I need to spend time in some kind of retaliation? Or can I just pray and leave it up to the One who judges justly?

Sometimes I know I need to speak up – and for me, it would more likely be on someone else’s behalf. But most of the time, I just need to pray and trust. Instead of knowing it bothers me and using my energy to fight, I need to acknowledge it bothers me (because it sure does!) and take joy in letting it roll off of me. I can do that too. If I remember. I sure do remember faster and better when I am in His Word and can see things as they are. In this world, things are not clear to us. But in the spiritual warfare and darkness, there is Light. If I run to the Light, I can see better than if I stay over in my “feel sorry for myself” corner and feel crushed.

I need to look around. Do I make “jabs” at people who hurt me or discourage me? Do I waste time on this stuff? Do I have that time to waste?

One week I had one child in the hospital newly diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. I begged God more than once on my children’s behalf. “Not seizures, Lord, we cannot deal with that!” “Not diabetes, Lord, I already have this other child with so many things wrong.” “Please no seizures this week, Lord, I am so tired.” I can be very specific in my begging. And I know He hears me. And I try not to whine, but sometimes…

That week, my oldest had a seizure before going to bed; so I put him in bed with me. Near midnight, he started talking about his Geometry test and talking out of his head. Then came the bad seizure followed by another. I was helpless. I was scared. I was at the end of me. The ambulance came, and my son was scooped up and taken. When I last saw him, he was not breathing. I jumped in my clothes and yelled instructions at my two younger sons and took off to follow them to the hospital, all the while praying (very loudly) out loud. Fortunately, he was okay. But I will never ever forget how that felt – feeling totally helpless. Yet, I could still cry out to the One who loves me most.

So can I take some of the petty stuff that comes my way? I admit it’s harder when it comes from a friend instead of an acquaintance. But can I overlook it because they have bad days too that are overwhelming? Maybe they did not realize what they said or did. Maybe they needed to blow off some steam or transfer some hurt with or without knowing it. Is it enough to ruin my day or my week or my year? Not anymore (I hope). I want to be like Joni who wants to model Christ. Leave it to the One who judges justly. And go on and not waste time!