A "Normal" Christmas

On Christmas Eve, my dad and I delivered gifts like we try to do every Christmas Eve.  Sometimes we are joined by my sister for at least part of our deliveries.  In the past, we have taken little people who did not want to be away from Mommy for a few hours.  But most of the time, it's my dad and me.  The one time each year that we spend time together delivering presents, visiting with dear people, and goofing off a little (and making pacts not to tell my mom some things that my dad always ends up telling her - like where we leave some presents when people are not home!).  This Christmas Eve was no exception.  This year, we delivered gifts in Abingdon - a first for us.  We got to see some of the decorations in downtown historic Abingdon which was a treat for me.  We were right near the old hospital where Andrew and Peter were born.  We went out in the country some but also got to see some of the beautiful historic homes.  If I don't move to Maine when I get older and become like Jessica Fletcher, I may just move to Abingdon and live near Main Street so I can walk to the Barter and the Martha Washington.

Anyway, as we delivered gifts, it struck me that this is a "normal" Christmas.  It was a little sad because we did not take gifts to some we went to last year.  They are celebrating their first Christmas in Heaven - so we are a little sad but they are not!  We took stuff to sick people.  We took gifts to people who no longer go out much.  We visited dear people, and I felt a little tear eyed at some because I was so thankful to get to see them and spend time with them.  No one in our family was sick or in the hospital, so my dad and I were free to deliver gifts and visit until time to spend time with our own family.

I thought of so many I know spending their first Christmas without loved ones for the first time.  And I know they must have wanted a "normal" Christmas.  They wanted one like so many others that maybe were even taken for granted just a little bit.  They wanted to be delivering gifts and visiting and feeling free to act silly with their closest family.

We had one of those Christmases 21 years ago.  I remember waking up so early hearing my brother-in-law Dwayne on the phone.  He and Whitney took off for Winston-Salem as fast as we could get them in my brother's car.  By the time we got to Winston a little bit after they did, our sweet little five week old Katelyn was gone to Heaven.  We made the long drive home and slept and it did not feel like Christmas.  We knew it was the day we celebrate Jesus' birth, and we did not forget that.  In fact, we were even closer to Him and more thankful than ever that little Katelyn was with Him.  We knew that.  But we did not feel like celebrating and opening gifts and being silly and funny.

The next day, I went to work with my dad at the family business while plans were being made for Katelyn's funeral.  It was hard to be there and not with them, but he needed me to help - there was no one else.  So I was helping where I could and remembered feeling so alone even with all of the sympathy and concern of friends and family.  It was just plain...hard.  And sad. 

I had to go do some errands to get ready for the funeral, and I ran into some friends who had not yet heard about Katelyn.  They talked of their fun and silly Christmas together as a family, and, for a moment, I felt a little envious.  I felt they had a "normal" Christmas, but none of our Christmases would ever be normal again.  That's how it felt.  And I felt so so empty.  I really needed to hold that baby.  But now she was not coming home at all but being buried.  And I would never ever hold her.  And that hurt.  It made my arms hurt.  I could only imagine how my sister and brother-in-law felt if that was the way I felt. 

Looking back, I can still feel that.  So I know what God has done.  He has blessed us beyond measure.  There will be more losses.  There will be more sadness.  But there is always HOPE.  So the hopelessness may be there for a while, but there is always hope.  Always.

We have had so many Christmases.  When Andrew was born a few days before Christmas, he had to stay in the hospital for a week.  When our families gathered for Christmas Eve, I was there with empty arms and had just gotten out of the hospital.  I remember feeling so bad and so sick.  Pete had to stop and get me some peanut butter to make a sandwich because that was all I wanted.  I had a new Peanuts sweatshirt to wear with my knit pants, and I can remember it like yesterday.  I even remember Pete running into the room where I was to tell me that my friend's husband just announced they were expecting.  That helped, but I was still afraid of my baby.  I was afraid of his seizures and medicine - just so afraid.  It was a hard Christmas, but we were all close to being together.  And I could go to the NICU to hold my precious baby.

Driving to see him not long after, I decided in the car that I was his mother; and God gave him to me to love and care for.  So I have tried to care for him, and I have loved him with my whole heart.  He just turned 19. 

So even if an ice storm keeps us at home on Christmas or we go away together as a family on a much-needed vacation getaway, a "normal" Christmas is one with family together.  And even though I have wished that my family could have more normal times when times are tough, I would not trade my story for another.  My story has all of the characters in it that I love - even that little Katelyn Elizabeth Ball.  The best part is that I will get to see her again.  Every day is one day closer. 

"Normal" does not a Christmas make.  Jesus makes Christmas.  And He has been with me through every single one.  He is the One Who matters. 

Merry Christmas 2012

Merry Christmas from the Vandenbergs 2012

Merry Christmas! We hope you all are well and have a wonderful Christmas celebrating Jesus’ birth and why He was born and what He did for all of us. God loves us so much that He gave his only begotten Son. (John 3:16) All we have to do is believe in Him and that He died for all of our sins ~ making a way to the Father for us. All we have to do is believe and accept that most precious gift of all! Christmas is one of the best times to remember and reflect on that Gift ~ for me.


We are thankful in our family for that Gift and the promises He has given. He has promised to be with us, and He is. In the good times and the bad, He is here. We may not understand the big picture, but we believe He is here all of the time. What a blessing that is ~ that hope.


We have had many changes this year. Pete has taken two trips to the Holy Land with his new job. I cannot imagine what it is like to be where Jesus was – to walk where He walked and sit where He sat. It would be amazing to see places we read about in the Bible. And he got to do it twice this year! From our point of view, it was scary to be there; but what he saw overshadowed any fear.


Andrew is a freshman at Appalachian. His plans changed at the last minute due to illness, but he is where he should be. It has been a blessing – from the people who helped him get where he needed to be to his professors, his advisor, his coaches, staff, and even ASU Police. His road is still far from easy, but he is flourishing; and we are so thankful for all of the people who help him and encourage him.


Peter is a senior and looking at colleges. He continues to be a big help to us in so many ways. He has battled some injuries, but he is determined to get back on track, literally. He works hard in school and is sweet and respectful. Those teenager hugs and thank you’s are a blessing from Peter!


Will is back on his bike after breaking a hand this summer at Rocky Knob – a new mountain bike park. He ran cross country and PR’d a few times and even won some small races. He is building a dog house, and I have a few things for him to do at home when he is ready!


Sam is doing well. His last endo appointment showed his a1c down a bit, and we are so thankful (and a little surprised!). He is getting more and more independent about checking his blood sugars and what to do when he is low. We hope he will feel good about giving himself shots in the next 2-3 years. He loves his brothers and likes to have one of his parents within earshot at all times. He had a low blood sugar scare one summer morning, and it threw us for a loop. But we look back and see how provisions were made before a scary situation when seconds counted. We also see clearly that God literally gives us extra hands when we need them to do what seems scary or impossible.


I have been learning that it’s okay to be where I am. It’s okay to be in a tough spot or a storm. And I am old enough to know they don’t, and won’t, last forever. I read something that said when we are at our weakest, we can see God’s work more clearly and His strength. Sometimes the bad things are not the worst things. I am still “learning to lean” and remembering to lean and not try to work everything out myself. It makes breathing much easier (when I do remember!).


So at the end of another year… Merry Christmas. We are one year closer to the best God has for us!


Still my favorite verse ~ “But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31

The good thing about being sick?

I am sick.  I got sick this weekend, and it has not gotten much better.  Usually I can just coast right through and maybe take a nap on the weekend or go to bed early during the week.  I try to save "sick" days for my boys.  I am not brave.  I am sometimes a wimp.  And sometimes I bring it on myself by not slowing down right when I should.  Sometimes I get myself in a bad way!

This weekend, I was going on a girls weekend.  We were going to Susan's fishing lodge on the river near Nashville.  On the way to Bristol to meet the girls, after cleaning up and packing as fast as I could, I got a really sick headache.  Then my ear stopped up.  On the way, I got so sick that I was having Whitney and Lisa dig through my pocketbook for medicine while Cindy drove.  They gave me ibuprofen and a Benadryl that they had.  We stopped to eat and give me a break.  I almost fell asleep eating a baked potato at Cracker Barrel!  Then, after assuring them I did not need to turn around, I fell asleep and felt better once I woke up and we were almost there. 

The next morning, my ear was still stopped up; but I got up and walked for over an hour up and down a gravel road on the property.  I covered up my ear and felt much better after a hot shower in that beautiful stone bathroom I like so much!  We kayaked for over 3 1/2 hours on the river, and I felt so peaceful and a little like I was on Survivor at the same time.  We pulled over to eat a delicious lunch of chicken salad croissants, chips, and soft drinks.  Everything tastes even better when you are outside and have worked up a good appetite doing something fun.  We even passed food to each other (eating in our kayaks) with our paddles!  That was really Survivor-like.  When we got back, we went and did a little Christmas shopping and passed a small town Christmas parade with the real Santa and Mrs. Claus.  Sometimes you can just tell when they are real.  We came back and ate a great dinner of grilled pork chops, baked potatoes, and corn.  Both nights, I slept great.  I did not hear a thing and trusted that Lisa would be the first to awaken me if anything went on (she did not sleep as deeply as some of us out there near the river!).

But coming back, it hit me again.  I felt so bad.  Bad turned to worse which has turned into two days at home!  I never do this!  But I have watched a movie I have wanted to watch for a long time - after sleeping through a few Murder, She Wrote episodes.

Sam took care of me yesterday.  He got an ice pack for my head.  He tucked me in on the couch.  He kissed my forehead and said, "Who do I love?  Who do I love?"  He also brought me his food and his insulin pen if he was hungry.  I got a couple of "I hope you feel better" comments last night and even a teenager kiss!  I got my medicine and something for dinner that cost a lot more at the grocery store near the pharmacy than what it would have cost at Walmart - from my dear husband. I have had calls and texts to check on me.   All of these are good things about being sick. 

Another good thing is to slow down and be able to think without doing many things at one time.  I put things on hold, because I cannot do them right now anyway.  So I have been able to think about things I am looking forward to and about things for which I am thankful.  They have brought tears this morning - letting me know for sure that I need more quiet time with Him. 

I have been so overwhelmed, and even anxious, for months.  I don't think I realized it until recently.  But I feel myself climbing out and being pulled out of yet another pit.  I am so thankful for that too.

So when I am sick, I need to remember it's not all bad.  I feel terrible.  I don't like the sick feelings and the headaches and all that comes with it, but there are some good things too.  For those things, I am so very thankful.  What a great time, right before Christmas, to be reminded and assured and reassured.

Be careful how you sign your name...

I got an email recently.  Right before the person signed his name, he put a special word.  I know he was praying and wished me well.  But the word had irked me before.  Well, not the word really but the misuse of it.

Once I got a scathing email.  It cut me down and was a terrible thing to receive.  I wish I had never read it!  I had to forward it to Pete AND one of my friends and let them counsel me.  The person used the SAME word as they signed off the mean email.

I was visiting a friend at her business, and she was telling me how this woman had misrepresented something big to her; and it was costing her money and lots of headaches.  She was trying to correct the deal, but the woman would not budge.  The woman had lied and been hard to deal with in a business sense.  But every time she left my friend's business, she used the SAME word as her departing word!

So be careful how you sign off - in writing or in person!  I would not want to say a word that makes it sound like I am praying for that person and wishing him the best while I am doing my own worldly thing.

So now I can enjoy the word again.  It has taken back its meaning that others have tried to take away.  It's a great word really.  Just be careful how you use it!

And the actual word does not matter as much.  It's the other words and actions that speak louder than that word.  I just am reminded to not "cover" my own agendas with something that appears I am close to God and wishing His best for someone (especially when I am really not).

Just like when I tell someone I am praying for them, I stop and pray right then (or pray again right then).  If I say I will do it, I want to do it.  I appreciate all who pray for me and my family.  Those prayers get us by.

Just a thought after seeing that word...

Happy 21st Birthday ~ Katelyn Elizabeth Ball

I wrote this original post two years ago.  I just read it again...and cried.  It seems like it could not be 21 years ago, and then it seems like a lifetime ago.  The first weeks were the hardest.  Then the first months.  God was with us.  He is still with us even now - He never left.   Never will. 

I know one of God's tiniest angels
She slipped into our lives one cold night
Not meant to stay for long
This precious little bundle

She taught us love in her short time on earth
And when it was time to go
She slipped out of our lives
But not out of our hearts
Where she will stay
And we will see her again...in Heaven
 (a revision of the poem I wrote a year after she died)

Every year is one year closer...

2011 Post

This is actually last year's post. I just read it and cried. But it says what I would want to say again. I am adding some song lyrics to the end. So this is a long one. Happy Birthday this weekend to my precious little tiny Katelyn Elizabeth Ball. Every day is one day closer to seeing her again (and those great grandparents mentioned in this post!). Thinking of the family and friends and praying that her life will still have a strong impact.

~~~~~~~~

I can remember it like it was just last week. I arrived at Forsyth Hospital in Winston where my sister was in labor with her first baby. She had found out about a month before that the baby was not growing and developing. We knew some of what could be, but we did not know much. I found her watching Little House on the Prairie while nurses hovered nearby and lots of doctors were readying to attend the birth. Because Katelyn was my sister's first baby, they really wanted to do everything they could for her and my sister. My dad would check on Whitney periodically, but he would turn a greenish color and have to leave. My aunt was begging my uncle for a cigarette, but he kept reminding her calmly that she had stopped smoking. I remember arriving, checking on Whitney and Dwayne, going to the Hanes Mall to eat (and not even being tempted to shop!) while we waited...and waited.

Then I fast forward to sitting in the hall straight up against a cinder block wall. Katelyn was there, and Whitney was fine. The doctors did not think that tiny baby would make it through the night. One of her pediatricians had mercy on Russell and me and invited us to say hi to Katelyn before they took her to Baptist just a little bit away. She was as long as a newborn because she was term, but she weighed less than three pounds. I remember yellow. Her hair or her skin. And I remember loving her with everything I had. And I remember how my arms ached so badly to hold her. Now I can grab one of the other children to hold when I feel that ache, but then there was no baby to hold. And we could not hold her. I am sure Russell and I prayed for her and over her. And that was one of the only times I was within an arm's length in her whole five weeks.

In the NICU, there are very strict rules with very good reason. Still, I drove to Stuart, VA, every weekend to spend time with Whitney and go with her to the hospital even though it meant sitting on the outside. I got a couple of glimpses, and Dwayne took some pictures. No digital cameras back then! And there is a video. I ached to hold this baby, see her, and get to know her. And somehow through the wall, I was able to do just that - get to know her through pieces of information and pictures.

She was supposed to have only part of a kidney. She had more than they thought. She scooted in her tiny bassinet. She scrunched her face and tried to hide from Santa Claus visiting the sick babies. In her little life, she did have personality and fight and determination. And oh was she loved.

My grandparents arrived one day to see her. My grandmother announced to my grandfather that she was going to see the baby - whether he took her or not. They totaled their very large (enormous really) Cadillac on the way to see her - in Cana, VA. It was a multi-car accident where one car stopped suddenly and several cars bumped into the back of each other. My grandparents had to rent a car half the size of theirs and continue on the trip. They got to go in and see her - because they were great grandparents and not just aunts. My grandmother came out and said of my sister, "Well, she has herself a real live baby doll." That meant so much to my sister.

Whitney and I would stop at Little Caesar's in Winston to treat ourselves to Crazy Bread before returning to their home way out in the country. Dwayne worked the night shift a lot, so Whitney appreciated the time I could come. While I was there one weekend with another friend, one of their two dogs came back shot. The other never returned. We searched all over the area where they lived and realized that no one cared if they shot someone else's dog - especially someone with a dying baby. It was a bleak, sad time. I was in charge of cleaning the bathroom when I was there. I put myself in that job. I cleaned that tub so much it's a wonder the finish did not come off. It's hard to know what to do with the energy and feelings and aches sometimes.

Dwayne and Whitney came to Bristol on Christmas Eve in 1991, intending to spend a little time with family and return to the hospital and Katelyn on Christmas Day. I remember the phone ringing in the wee hours of the morning. It was the hospital - no cell phones back then. They cared enough to know where to find them. Dwayne and Whitney rushed to Baptist. By the time we got there a little later, Katelyn was gone. I still remember every Christmas how that felt. Again, I can grab a child now and hold him or her; and for that, I am so thankful. I try to go and visit her grave on Christmas Eve so I can tell her I love her - even though I know she is not there. It's just a quiet place for reflection and to thank God for what He has given our family and blessed us with.

That time was a hard time in my life too. I took time off from my life the next few months and returned to school to start on a second degree. Thankfully, God worked out my own situation; and I returned to North Carolina and my own life that had seemed suspended for a few months. I remember people being so kind and helpful and thoughtful and supportive. And I still remember times of being so hurt by something someone said that I did not feel I could stand it. Sometimes I remember to keep my mouth closed. I would not want to cause that same pain and confusion for someone else. I appreciate those who quietly prayed for all of us and were there when we needed them - not just pretending to care but allowing God to use them to minister to and sustain our family.

I know one of God's tiniest angels. She slipped into our lives one cold night not meant to stay for long. And when it was time to go, she slipped out again. But she left us with something so hard to explain. In her short little life, she made such a huge impact. I cannot wait to see her again and hold her. I don't know what she will look like in Heaven, and I don't have to know. I just know I will see her, and I will know who she is!

Happy 19th Birthday to Katelyn Elizabeth Ball. Thank you for affecting my life in such a wonderful and loving way - even though it is not empty of hurt and pain. I love you so much, and I am so happy to know you are with the One Who loves us the most.


~~~~~
Even though it was indeed scary, her parents loved her without reservation. A lot of us did. And though it has been hard without her here, we have that HOPE that we will see her again. She is worth every falling tear ~ just as they all are!


All of Me (Matt Hammitt)

Afraid to love
Something that could break
Could I move on
If you were torn away

And I'm so close
To what I can't control
I can't give you half my heart
And pray He makes you whole

You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start

I won't let sadness
Steal you from my arms
I won't let pain
Keep you from my heart
I dread the fear
Of all that I could lose
For every moment
I'll share with you

You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start

And Heaven brought you to this moment
It's too wonderful to speak
You're worth all of me
You're worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you
Even if I bleed
You're worth all of me
You're worth all of me

You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start

You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start
It's where I'll start

Thankful

This is Thanksgiving week.  The week to be thankful.  The week to remember to be thankful!  Happy Thanksgiving! 

I think it's a great time to look back over the year and see where I have been and all God has brought me through.  It's the same this year.  Some of the stuff is hard - but it's old news.  It's a pain, but it keeps on coming.  Like a storm that won't go away.  Then there is new stuff.  New twists and turns.  New and unexpected things.  Not all welcome things. 

I think what God has been teaching me in the past few months is that it is okay to be where I am.  I am still in that waiting room.  Still in a storm.  The storm gets more fierce but then dies down again.  Sometimes it rages to a point when I don't think I can take much more, and then it gets worse; and I see I can, with Help. 

Another thing God has been teaching me is that I don't have to despair in the place I am.  It can change.  Like we say about Boone weather - give it a minute, and it will change.  Whether I am in the place for a few minutes, hours, months, or years, it can change in an instant.  I have a friend who has been "stuck" somewhere for years now.  She gets tired and sad, but she has been there with grace; and it speaks volumes to me.  She is a blessing while just trying to do as God wants her to be.

I had the opportunity to go on a retreat this weekend.  It was eye-opening. On the way there, I was hoping that the speaker would talk on certain things where I have some struggles right this minute.  Well, she did.  She did NOT talk on the subject I had hoped, but she DID talk about what I really needed.  God knew what I needed to hear.  He knew what would ring true in my ears.  He knew what would open my eyes.  And He knew what would remind me to look at him and stop looking in other places.  When will I remember that?

As we head into this week, I will be remembering (with a ton of others) my first niece.  She would be 21 this year.  I cannot help but wonder what she would look like, who she would act like, where she would be in college, etc.  For years, I thought of her as a tiny baby.  I still do, but I can see her as older now.  I don't know what she will look like in Heaven, but I am sure I will know her.  I am thankful for the little bit of time we had with her.  I am thankful for the things she taught me.  I am even thankful for the tears dripping down right now as I remember how empty our arms felt 21 years ago.  And I am thankful that God filled those arms time and time again.  She was not replaced, but we were blessed.  And she is not gone forever - just in a blink.  Though it seems longer right now, it will one day be a blink.  And I am thankful for her parents who have always set such an example for me.

I am thankful my children are all safely tucked in their beds.  I am thankful that they had a normal weekend.  I am thankful that the noise I heard the other night was the wind and not Andrew. 

I have so many things I worry about and try not to worry about.  I have reason to be concerned and on guard, but the worrying almost does me in sometimes.  I am thankful that when I cry out to Him, He hears me and sends what I need. 

Nichole Nordeman has a line in her song "Sunrise" that says, "How would I know morning if I knew not midnight?"  I appreciate the provisions made for me and my family this year (and all of the other years too!).  I am thankful for the One Who loves me like no other.  He knows me by name.  He died for me.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Who Is In Control?

Well, I know God is.  I was thinking today that I do not like to be dependent.  I do not like to have to have faith.  I want to know all will be okay.  I want to see how it will be okay.  I can have that and forget it all too easily.

I ready somewhere not long ago that being in a bad place is not the worst place to be.  All bad places vary, of course.  I feel like I have had things coming at me from ALL sides.  And it affects how I react and take all of those things in.  And it affects my days and my life.

But if I step back and look at it as a tough time as a whole, it seems like something I can turn over all at once to Him.  He can take over.  And I can rest.  Will I do it?  It is an all day, every day thing sometimes.  But when I am the weakest, that is when I can see and feel His strength.  This is the time I can clearly see Him work - because I cannot do it myself.  It's either impossible or too much or I am too weary.

I am tired from having sick children.  It takes a lot to keep up with appointments and treatments and prescriptions and refills and monitoring and insurance and everything else.  I am tired from checking on them a lot during the night sometimes.  I am tired of worrying about what will be next.  I am really tired of worrying about how to take care of some of their things and whether I do enough and how I can afford this or that if they need it.  I am not tired of my children, but the sick part does get me weary.  I know they get that way sometimes too.

When I voted, I voted the way I felt I should after I really really prayed.  It was clear to me I could not vote for someone for President who is for abortion.  If those who believe in abortion knew my children would be sick and cost extra money, would they feel that my children were worth being born?  On Facebook, I have seen a quote from Ronald Reagan who said he noticed those who support abortion have already been born.  I don't know if he said that, but it is true.  I don't believe we should kill life - no matter how old it is, no matter how sick it could be, or how convenient it is.  We, who are here, had a chance to be born.  Who are we to kill those who have not yet been born?  I know it's easy to jump on the wagon to explain abortion away or to give reasons or excuses.  But I want no part of that.  I know in my heart it is killing, and I cannot vote for someone who believes it is okay.

I also could not vote for someone who stands up for so many things that the Bible says are not okay.  While no candidate was perfect, the one I could  not vote for stood up and clearly proclaimed his beliefs and feelings.  I feel very uneasy having such a President.  I want someone who will look to God (and lets us know).  I want someone who is not afraid to stand up for what is right.  I want someone who cares about our people and our military and will do everything to help this great country.  I am not disrespectful, but I am distressed greatly.

But I know Who is in control.  And He knew how last night would go.  He knows I fear for my sick children.  He knows.  And He loves me.  He loves us all.  Whether we acknowledge Him or not.  He forgives.  He forgets.  He died for us.  He sacrificed for us.  Imperfect us.  A lot of times, ungrateful us.  And a lot of times in this country, defiant us. 

I know people are searching.  They are looking for a person to fill that hole or void.  They are searching and looking, and He waits and wants us to come to Him.  He wants us to find what we are searching for while we are looking everywhere but at Him.

I do it still.  I try to fix and figure out and plan.  I forget that He loves me.  He loves me more than anyone.  And when I am at my lowest and weakest, that is when I can see His work.  I can see where He pulls me up. 

So I resolve to try to live so He will know I love Him.  I am not ashamed of Him.  When I feel discouraged, I will turn to Him for encouragement.  When I am fearful, I will turn to Him for peace.  When I am tired, I will turn to Him for rest.

When someone hurts my feelings, I will let Him remind me to go on.  When I am frustrated, I will let Him remind me that He is in control and is helping me.  When I don't know what else to do, I will let Him give me answers.

Whether it's the election or the everyday problems of this time in my life, I will look to Him.  He loves me and is waiting for me to turn His way.

"I Look to You"  (Selah)

As I lay me down,
Heaven hear me now.
I'm lost without a cause
After giving it my all.

Winter storms have come
And darkened my sun.
After all that I've been through
Who on earth can I turn to?

I look to you.
I look to you.
After all my strength is gone,
In you I can be strong
I look to you.
I look to you.
And when melodies are gone,
In you I hear a song.
I look to you.

About to lose my breath,
There's no more fighting left,
Sinking to rise no more,
Searching for that open door.
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsty.com/selah-i-look-to-you-lyrics.html ]
And every road that I've taken
Lead to my regret.
And I don't know if I'm going to make it.
Nothing to do but lift my head

I look to you.
I look to you.
After all my strength is gone,
In you I can be strong
I look to you.
I look to you.
And when melodies are gone,
In you I hear a song.
I look to you.

My levees are broken
My walls have come
Tumbling down on me

The rain is falling.
Defeat is calling.
I need you to set me free.

Take me far away from the battle.
I need you.
Shine on me.

I look to you.
I look to you.
After all my strength is gone
In you I can be strong
I look to you.
I look to you.
And when melodies are gone,
In you I hear a song.
I look to you.    

Tough Day

Andrew has had a tough day.  As tough as it was, I could see God in almost everything. 
I got a call from Andrew's cell.  I was thinking about him and praying for him this morning when it occurred to me that if something happened to him, Pete's number is on his dog tags.  I thought he was calling me to answer my "how are you" text.  It was a classmate telling me to hurry over to campus - that he needed me.  I raced over with two precious nurses and ran up the stairs into the building as fast as I could.  He was smiling at me to let me know he was okay.  His class was gone (except for the WHS grad who called me).  There was an ASU police officer and Andrew's professor.  Everyone was so kind.  Andrew was okay and was able to walk down one set of stairs while one of my nurse friends pulled my car around.  He was okay and starving.  Sam was tickled to see him in the car in the pick up line.  We came home and got him settled on the couch to rest.  Dr. Zimmerman had kindly looked at him and did not see any obvious sickness.  So I ran to the high school to get Will.
In the 25 minutes I was gone, Sam felt bad; so he checked his own blood sugar.  Sure enough, he had dropped considerably in 30 minutes since I had checked him.  He just did not eat anything like he should have.  He waited until I got home to tell me that and that Andrew had gotten sick.  Sam told me that he patted Andrew and told him he would be okay.  He was okay when I got home - just very tired. 

Had to take a break...the wind is blowing like I have never heard it blow at this house!

Anyway, we have Laura with us.  She is helping me with the boys tonight.  She, Sam, and Will are having a sleepover in Sam's room. 

Andrew has not run a fever or anything yet, so we are keeping a close eye on him.  I called the non-emergency line to let them know he is sick.  They were very ugly (long story, and I will address it later with someone), but I hope they made a note of what I told them - for Andrew's sake.  That was frustrating and made me cry.

Pete sent me a text and said he may be gone a few more days.  Okay.  Well, I just asked God to help me.  My main help is not here on a bad day to be away.  But we have done this before, and I know God is right here with us.  Pete has no clue about our day.  He is too far away! 
So we are praying for a peaceful night.  And we are praying for a calmer storm than is expected.  When I had those random thoughts this morning, I know God was putting that in my mind so I would be more ready.  And He has been with us and provided for us on other tough nights. 

So we are praising Him in this storm - literally.  As the wind and frustration and fear all swirl around us, we are comforted knowing the One who loves us the most is right here in this place.

Thanks for praying for our family!

Update on the boys

Andrew is doing much better.  He tried to run Friday, and he stopped around four miles.  He was not getting anywhere, he felt.  He does not realize that his recent pneumonia takes so much more out of him.  In a lot of ways, I am glad he does not count that.  But I wish he would give himself a little slack.  He has enjoyed fall break - even rested some and ate well.  He leaves our house around 6 or a little later every day and returns 12 hours later.  Sometimes he can come home for a couple of hours in between everything.  And that helps.  He can fix his own food and rest up or study.  I am so glad he has managed his time so well this first semester!

Peter is battling injuries as he tries to finish up cross country.  I know he is disappointed, but he may run in college; so this is not the end of cross country.  We need to get him better for track.  He is enjoying his senior year and his friends.  I am thankful for all of the great people he is around.

Will is busy as usual - running and biking anytime he can.  He has not needed stitches in a while, and I am proud of him for that!  Pete leaves again soon, so I will have to keep a careful eye on him this time!  No hatchets in the field!  He has come through a little tough time and learning experience, and I am thankful for the person he is.  And I am thankful for the encouragers from different places.  He is also.

Sam is so sick right now.  He has a double ear infection, low fever, cough, and wheezing.  He is still pretty sick, so he is missing tomorrow at school.  Through all of this, his sugars have been pretty consistent.  So we are thankful for that.  He is so excited to go to a pumpkin festival in Virginia this weekend.  He has talked and talked about it.  We had a school meeting last week, and he asked when I could meet with his teachers again so he could play Legos by himself!  He also ran his second cross country meet and was 8th in the 1st through 3rd graders.  He missed a medal by one place, so we got him a Happy Meal which was much better since it came with a Scooby Doo Halloween bucket!

Pete leaves soon for his second overseas trip.  He is so excited.  I am not.  I am excited for him, and I am happy he is so excited.  But I have a dread about when he leaves.  Last time it seemed so long.  I am thankful for texting though!  He had no clue when I was getting his texts.  I had it figured out, but he never did.  I got one every morning when I woke up - starting with the second morning.  The first morning I did not hear from him and did not get a text until after lunch!  I know it will go by fast with all of the boys' things.  I am trying to get ready...

We appreciate all of the people who pray for us.  We can feel those prayers.  Sometimes we need them most when we are not in crisis mode.  So thank you.  I have had some huge answered prayers with Andrew's medicine this week.  So I know people join me in praying.

Happy Fall!

Do I Encourage or Discourage?

In recent weeks, I have been so tired.  When I am tired, I am much more sensitive.  My dear husband always (lovingly) reminds me that I say and do things that probably are not taken the way I intended them to be taken.  He reminds me that I must give others the benefit of the doubt.  And when he cannot deny there was some jabbing or mean stuff going on, he reminds me to be thankful for my many blessings and not let it bother me like it does!  So sometimes I have to call someone else (if I dare!) and try to get them to sympathize with me.  Sometimes I just want someone to say, "I cannot believe he/she said that to you!!!"  But I realize that the best way is to let it sting and then let it go.  I am working on that.  I have had to work on it a lot lately it seems!  Maybe it's me.  But it has also made me think on whether I am encouraging or discouraging.  Am I building up or tearing down?

When I was younger, I felt as if some people were the "haves" and we were the "have nots".  That did not bother me most of the time, but sometimes it hurt when certain things were pointed out to me - a lot.  So sometimes I tried to make sure that the other people knew I was not bothered by their attempts to bother me.  I think maybe sometimes I came across as a little bit discouraging myself.  I did not mean to be.  I just wanted to make the point that what was really bothering me did not.  Silly, I know.  Silly to spend time even thinking about it.  But I did.  I felt knocked down and did not want the other people to know.  I had so many people encouraging me, but the discouraging hurt; and I fought back a little bit.  I am sorry for that now.  I am sorry I was so sensitive, and I am sorry if I discouraged anyone while trying to let them know they had not discouraged me!

These days, I am most of the time different.  Things that bothered me then don't bother me now.  But things that do seem to bother me most concern my children.  I appreciate help in helping my children, but I don't need competition or discouragement.  They don't either!

So in dealing with my children, I have learned where not to tread - sometimes.  I keep a close circle of people I can trust to ask opinions or advice or for their prayers or wisdom.  God has certainly blessed me with some people who are always there with encouragement no matter what.  And I try not to talk to too many people.  As children get older, they don't want everyone to know everything about them anyway.

But lately, it's been me who feels discouraged.  I sometimes have a feeling about things, and sometimes those feelings are confirmed.  It's hard when it seems clear that someone is trying to discourage.  I am not sure why anyone would think I would need discouragement!  But it can happen in different forms - mean joking, jabs, being left out, being made fun of, not keeping a word, etc.  Sometimes we imagine it's happening, but sometimes it really is.

So there is my husband again asking why I pay any attention when I have so many blessings.  He is right.  And he is right in reminding me that even though I try to be very careful (especially in some areas) that I hurt people's feelings too without meaning to or knowing it.  So I ask myself if I am encouraging or discouraging.  I will try harder to encourage and pay more attention to things that may discourage.

Just some stuff for me to think about...

More cheers, more tears

Well, I guess maybe I should not plan on getting to a cross country meet without crying this season! Sam and I were on our way this morning - everyone else took different vehicles - and it hit me again.  I think today it was because I am tired from Thursday night.  I thought I would be up checking on Sam whose blood sugar was a little off earlier in the afternoon.  But I slept on the couch after an eventful night with Andrew at the doctor's office.  He had spiked a 103 fever suddenly and probably has a touch of pneumonia (which, don't think I won't ponder on why he has that later) and then he had a seizure in the office.  He had me, Dr. Zimmerman, and two precious nurses to help him; and it was still hard.  But I slept okay and kept going the next day - to work and to take Andrew to what he had to do Friday.  I think once I am still for a little while things hit me - the scary things and frustrating things.

I was also worried about Peter.  I kept handing him over to God and taking him back like I know I am not supposed to do!  He has tried to be easy on his leg, and I know he has a lot going on.  So we had prayed this morning before we all left, and I felt better.  But then on the way there...

But fortunately, I work with a lot of great people at the meets.  I learned of a terrible illness in one family and resolved to pray diligently for them.  I saw people who asked about Andrew.  I saw people who had their own tough times with their children too.  We are all in this together, so it's best to encourage and pray.

And I think I felt knocked down some this week.  Don't ask me why I let some silly stuff get to me.  But sometimes it does.  People can be so mean for no reason.  But I don't have to let them bother me.  Sometimes I do though.  I felt mean Thursday night.  I ran into Walmart to get Andrew a couple of things and some girls were being silly and getting in the carts - which is probably one reason the carts don't work well sometimes.  They were totally oblivious to anyone else needing a cart and needing to hurry!  Even though they did get on my nerves I was not mean.  So I told God I was sorry for my attitude - I was tired and worried and in a hurry.  But still...I should not be mean or feel like being mean.  And for those who are mean, I will try harder to not let them win. 

We have homecoming at church tomorrow.  Then Andrew and I are going to a music performance for one of his classes.  I have spent a little time on the Appalachian campus the last couple of days with him.  I am so thankful he is here, and I can be here to spend that time with him.  Maybe we will get to go to a play soon!  I am not overly worried, but I always liked to go for my classes; so I will just go with him!

Today I thought how fortunate I am to live in such a beautiful place and how fortunate I am to enjoy this time with my family.  Will won the JV race today, and it was so fun to watch him run that fast.  I was not expecting that, and I hope it was a boost for him.  He is rearranging his room right now.  Such a funny boy sometimes.  His room is huge - actually like two rooms together, so he has a lot of ways to arrange it!  It needs to be painted, so that will be a huge undertaking; but he knows how to paint and wants to do it too!  One more thing on my list for him to help me do!

I know one thing for sure.  I need to keep my eyes on Him.  When I don't, I get into trouble immediately.  I will keep working on that!!!!

I Look To You (Selah)

 
As I lay me down,
Heaven hear me now.
I'm lost without a cause
After giving it my all.

Winter storms have come
And darkened my sun.
After all that I've been through
Who on earth can I turn to?

I look to you.
I look to you.
After all my strength is gone,
In you I can be strong
I look to you.
I look to you.
And when melodies are gone,
In you I hear a song.
I look to you.

About to lose my breathe,
There's no more fighting left,
Sinking to rise no more,
Searching for that open door.

And every road that I've taken
Lead to my regret.
And I don't know if I'm going to make it.
Nothing to do but lift my head

I look to you.
I look to you.
After all my strength is gone,
In you I can be strong
I look to you.
I look to you.
And when melodies are gone,
In you I hear a song.
I look to you.

My levees are broken
My walls have come
Tumbling down on me

The rain is falling.
Defeat is calling.
I need you to set me free.

Take me far away from the battle.
I need you.
Shine on me.

I look to you.
I look to you.
After all my strength is gone,
In you I can be strong
I look to you.
I look to you.
And when melodies are gone,
In you I hear a song.
I look to you.

Peter is 17!

I remember hurrying to the OR for Peter's birth - a semi-emergency c-section.  I was talking to a med student (who I am sure decided against obstetrics after this experience!) when my alarm started sounding on the baby monitor.  The nurse hopped off her stool and slid an oxygen mask over my face.  They hurried to get me in the OR before someone having hand surgery.  We were in Abingdon in a smaller, but good, hospital.

My sister got to go in since everyone was hurrying.  She really was not supposed to!  But I was so glad she was there.  I was a little panicky with some things going on with the anesthesia, but it started wearing off by the time Peter arrived.

I kept asking, "What is it?"  I meant, boy or girl?  No one would answer, but finally Pete came over and said, "It's a boy, and he looks just like Andrew!"  Well, once I got a good look at this second little boy, I could tell he did not look like Andrew to me!  He was adorable like Andrew, but his little head was not bruised like Andrew's had been.  He had big eyes and long eye lashes.  I never could figure out his hair when he was tiny.  I would comb it neatly, and it always escaped.  I did not know it was curly!  Peter finally looked like Peter when I stopped trying to slick his hair down!

Peter slept so much on the way home that I kept poking him gently to make sure he was breathing!  Pete took me to the Red Lobster before we came back to Boone, and I remember him sleeping through the whole meal!  Andrew was such a good little person, and so he was no trouble in the restaurant.  And I remember going to baby Gap at the Johnson City Mall.  That was a real treat back then, and I loved to dress up my little boys.  They had some of the cutest "bargain" outfits!

Peter taught Andrew to climb on the couch.  He and Andrew would ask if they could splash in the tub.  They were best friends and were always there for each other.  For years and years, they shared a room.  They still just have a thin wall between them now.  They are not the same, but they are true brothers.  They have welcomed two more brothers, but I will always remember how well they complemented each other and how they have been there for each other.

As Peter turned 17 today in his senior year, I just love to look back at his sweet little pictures and that precious little face and be reminded of the fun we have had.  He makes me laugh.  He is such a good boy. 

Happy Birthday, Peter!  We are so thankful for you.  We hope your year is exciting and fun as you grow into new territory soon!  We know God has a plan for you, and we will be here to see it and help and encourage you!

The end of me ~ a great place to be?

Greg Laurie talked to me the other morning on the way to Charlotte as Sam happily watched a new movie in the seat behind me.  I tried not to cry off all of my make-up, but I knew he was talking to me.  His message was "The Perfect Storm", and he referred to a lot of what I already knew - and what Toby talked about in one of his sermons not long ago.  We are in a storm, coming out of one, or starting to go into another.  We are in one of those places.  There are storms in life.  Then he kept on going.  I think he was on the Sea of Galilee when doing this message.  He talked about how quickly a storm can whip up there.  Pete had told me that in the spring when he went - how quickly the calm waters can start churning and become scary.

As he kept talking, he was assuring me that Jesus is right with me - all of the time, even during the storm.  He caught my attention when he said at the end of me is not a bad place to be.  He said, "When you tell God you cannot get through this without Him, that's not a bad thing."  That's not a direct quote but pretty close.  He said when we are at the end of ourselves, we have to look to Him.  Fortunately, He is patient as we go through all of our resources and reserves first.  I know I do.  He also said that Jesus will come through for us when we need Him with what we need.  He said it may seem last minute, but it will be when we need it.  It's not really last minute.  I just need to trust more that He will come through.  He won't leave me hanging.

So this week when the overwhelming things have come, I did not do so well at first.  I got my feelings hurt.  I cried when I got a letter from someone I expressed concern to who blamed me and discounted my concern until it really hurt.  I let things bother me that should not have.  I lost focus.  I did not read my devotional for a couple of days and really really needed it. 

Sometimes I work better in distress - bad distress or in crisis mode.  When things calm down, I sometimes fall apart.  It does not make sense except in crisis mode I don't have time to notice the little things that may bother me on a normal day.  I would not notice feeling left out - I would not care!  I would not notice the jab - I would not hear it!  I would not worry about the person not doing his or her job - I would just make sure I did what I should!  I would not let those things bother me!  They would not have a place.

I guess when I take my eyes off of Him, like Peter did while walking on water, I see too many things that distract me from what I should be doing or what I should be focused on.  Well, guess nothing.  I know I do.

I am thankful for Greg Laurie's ministry.  I am thankful that he was on the radio while I was going up I-85.  I know it was not a coincidence that that message was on at that time.  I heard it.  I heard God speaking to me.  I am trying to be a better listener!

I have given over Andrew's pulled muscle and my concerns over his health.  And this week we did get some good labs on him. 

I have given over Peter's tendonitis right in the middle of his senior year of cross country.  And he is taking care of it and has talked to a couple of coaches this week.  And I am trying not to look ahead too much to June!

I am giving over Will's difficulties that he is having right now.  God knows what they are.  He is a good boy, and he can get through this. 

I am giving over Sam's difficulties in school and being thankful for better blood sugar numbers this week. 

I am giving over my anxiety that tries to creep through every once in a while as Pete plans another overseas trip soon.

I keep giving and giving and trying not to forget Who loves them most.  Who also loves ME most.

I am thankful He takes the time to remind me in a Joni devotional or a radio broadcast or in a song or in a verse that hits home.  I am so thankful He loves me.  Oh how He loves me.

Andrew's first college meet!

Andrew ran his first Appalachian cross country meet Friday evening at the Greenway!  We were so happy to go and see him.  In true Andrew fashion, he was probably in the last 10 as they started and then moved up a bit before they went out of sight for a while.  When they came back into sight on the other side of the covered bridge, he had moved up - way up!  He ended up running a 25:59 8K (5 miles) and was 15th overall and 6th on the team and only a few seconds from 5th!  It was his first 8K race (unless he had run a road race - and I don't think The Bear counts!).  He looked so good - so smooth and so strong. 

Of course Pete is running around all excited and happy during the race.  I was excited too, but I tend to ponder more.  I know more on which to ponder too.  So sometimes I have more for which to be thankful.  And I am thankful.  I want Andrew to do well.  I want him to be healthy.  I want him to overcome this stuff that gets in his way.  But I know what is most important is what points to God.  I need to be willing to know that sometimes things won't go our way or be understood by us.  I will know without a doubt how I wish things could go and how I want them to go.  But I need to be more willing to trust that things will go the way they need to for HIS glory.  Friday, I was pondering on whether he could keep the pace.  I know things others don't know.  I know what we are working on medically.  I should have just enjoyed watching!

I have talked of my grandfather who prayed and prayed for Andrew when he was still alive.  He had a limited education, helped support his family of four boys during the depression, lost his father in the coal mines when he was seven, built his own business from scratch, worked six days a week most of his life, and was more generous than most people would ever be willing to be.  While he was not perfect (none of us are!), he knew where to go when he could not help Andrew in the way he would like.  He still tried to slide me money to help pay for travel expenses to the doctor and for medical bills.  And he called to check on us on a regular basis even when it was hard for him to find my number (until Whitney put it right next to his phone).  For years after he died, I would start to pick up the phone and call my special grandfather to share something with him.  I go to visit his grave sometimes - my grandmother is there and my little niece and other loved family members.  I know he is not there, but it is a place to be still and remember him and appreciate him.  Because he knew he had to get on his knees when he could not take care of something for me - or for Andrew.  And for someone who tried to be self-sufficient all of his life, that was a big deal to know he knew that and acknowledged it.

My grandfather was not on the front page of the newspaper.  He was not the wealthiest man in the town where he lived and worked for most of his life.  But he was a very hard worker, and he was very well loved.  When he died, people who worked for him came to tell stories of how he had helped them.  Friends told how he had paid the bill at the restaurant for them before he left ahead of them.  He helped people out of jams.  He was remembered for his hard work and work ethic.  All of these people knew he was not perfect, but they loved and appreciated him just as we did.  The point is that we don't have to be famous or out front to make a difference.  His difference was that he lived what he believed about hard work.  And as he got older and found out firsthand that he could not work things out himself, he knew to get on those knees.  He, like a lot of us, had to learn that over years and through experiences; but it still speaks to me greatly.

My grandfather would be so proud of Andrew - for his hard work and determination.  As my dad gets older, it is clear to see some of the same traits in him as my grandfather - sometimes in different ways.  I won't share that with him yet - that observation!  So Andrew is not out front, but he is out there and working hard and showing us what miracles are.  And when other things may come his way, he will just keep going the same way he is now.  And as his mom, I think it's okay - even great - to enjoy the good days and great races as long as I give credit where credit is due. 

Cannot wait to see what else is ahead for this boy.  I was so happy to see Peter bragging about Andrew on Facebook and saying he knows God has a plan for Andrew.  God has a plan for everyone.  The ones whose lives seem toughest right now and those who seem to be on easy street.  We need to be willing to watch and wait and listen so we can go in the direction He would have us to go.  So many things have worked out for Andrew in the past several weeks that could have just been disappointment and potential disaster.  So I am thankful for all of those things.  All of them.  And, again, I know I don't know the half of it!

Sam is EIGHT!

How in the world can it be?  Sam is eight?  I remember bringing him home to three very eager to see him brothers.  They watched his every move.  I should have never worried about what they would think.  They absolutely loved him and cannot even remember what life was like without him.  He has shown them how to love bigger and better, not to take things for granted, taught them major responsibility, and shown them how he just keeps going forward even with his big and little obstacles.

Before he was one, he was found to be extremely farsighted.  He wore glasses before his first birthday and patches too.  The boys thought he was adorable but worried about others making fun of him.  But we got used to the glasses and patches and thought he was the cutest person in the world.

When he was almost two, he had to have eye surgery scheduled.  It was a little stressful because it was his eyes, but he did great and continues to do well.  Not even a month after that, he had double hernia surgery.  Again, he did well; and we were glad to be done with all of that!

When he turned five, he was having a bit of trouble with accidents off and on.  A little while later, we found out why - diabetes.  That was and still is a biggie.  He will have to work with this the rest of his life.  He does well most of the time, but it's hard that we cannot just send him wherever with whomever - even to play sports or go on field trips.  It can be very limiting, but Sam is so fortunate to have three brothers and an extra special cousin who can take care of his diabetes. 

Now at eight, he has a really big and really weird looking "tooth" that turned out to be extra!  He goes to the oral surgeon the morning to have it taken out.  I am nervous because of the not eating in the morning and his sugar that has been off all week because of strep throat.  So I am looking very forward to getting him home and letting him rest tomorrow. 

He may not be up to watching Andrew run in his first ASU meet, but Will will be a good big brother and stay home with him.  Sam is sunshine, and he is fortunate to have brothers who love him so.

We are having cupcakes - white with buttercream frosting - at Sam's request.  They had monster trucks, sprinkles, and ring pops on top.  We will have a bigger party later, but popsicles at school and cupcakes at home sounded good to him.  We started our celebrating early on the way home from cross country this week by stopping at Chuck E. Cheese in Asheville!  He and his daddy had a great time playing games and getting tickets.  Mommy only contributed a little but had fun too!

I feel like Sam should be six - not seven or eight!  He is getting taller and growing up!  He is still our baby, but we have been trying to help him be who he will be!  It's fun to see some of Andrew, some of Peter, and a lot of Will in him.  Then there is the other part that Pete declares comes from my dad.  Then he is left handed like his aunt (Whitney). 

So Happy 8th Birthday to my special baby boy - the one who has kept me busy and kept my focus on the right place - the one who freely hugs me and kisses me and tells me over and over he loves me - the one who likes to "help" clean or pick up - the one who rubs my head when it hurts - the one who will be here for a while after the other boys leave.  Off to eat cupcakes!

Tears and Cheers

Today was supposed to be a fun day!  We left Boone yesterday afternoon - just three of us which was kind of odd.  We spent the night at a hotel with a pool and a putting green, so someone thought he was on a huge vacation!  Andrew was at home with Laura spending the night at our house with him.  They were joined by Grandad and Mimi who took them out to eat and who knows what else?  I got to watch some Home & Garden TV and read in my book.  I got to sleep a tiny bit later than usual.  We got in the car to go to the cross country meet and figured out we were only a few minutes away from the park.

As we were going down the road, I saw Krispy Kreme.  All of the sudden, it hit me.  This would be one of my last trips to this meet!  I did okay last year when Andrew was a senior.  But it hit me that he would not be there today.  When he was a freshman, we got off the interstate right at that Krispy Kreme and were so early that we stopped to get a treat.  Sam did not have diabetes then, and we were new cross country people.  Peter, Will, Sam, and I had left super early to get to the meet. 

So I started crying.  Pete thought I was crying because Andrew would not be there.  I am sure that was part of it, but it's also Peter's senior year.  He keeps getting injured, and I don't want him to run out of time before he has some of those great races I know he has in him.  I was probably a little nervous for him.

But as we entered the park, tears were dripping off my cheeks.  I kept my sunglasses on and kept to myself a lot today.  And I yelled for that boy I was worried about.  I also prayed for him as he got ready to run and ran.  He is not where he needs to be, but we will work on that.  Then I yelled for that next boy who just started running again not long ago.  He did pretty well keeping up in his race.  He has a mountain bike race tomorrow, so I am praying he does not hurt anything in that! 

On the way home, I felt we needed to spend time with the little boy with us who turns EIGHT this week!  Six, maybe.  Eight, no way!  So we detoured to Chuck E. Cheese and extended his little vacation.  And as we left the shopping center, we stopped at Lifeway and bought a new CD so I could sing out some of my heart on the way home.  Pete and Sam slept through most of that!

We met with lot of ASU students at a progressive dinner tonight and then went and cleaned.  So I am pretty worn out and should sleep well tonight!  I think I am tired and weary and need to watch a sad movie and cry my eyes out.  Especially so the next cross country meet won't be so hard on me! 

I determined the weary part yesterday before the other hit.  I told Pete if Blue Cross would stop sending me stamped mail, it would save them a million dollars, I am sure!  I have determined that no one likes to tie up loose ends and get things straight.  They cause me so many extra phone calls and extra work because of it.  So I am going to do my part and then let them do theirs.  I also am getting a home phone on Monday.  It's the only way I can feel better about calling 911 if we ever need them again.  No one has called us back to check on the problem, so I need to take care of that the best I can too.  I am going to get on the school website every day and keep up with my children.  I am going to keep working to find what works with Sam to help him learn and retain what he has learned.  I am going to get my house clean- and my basement!  I am going to weed my flower beds in the front of my house that look like a jungle.  I am going to roll out of bed and walk in the mornings and not be afraid of the sounds I hear!

But...I am also going to be more thankful.  I am going to enjoy my family more.  I am going to feel free to say no or give someone else a chance to do some of the easy stuff I do.  I am going to read my Bible more.  I am going to walk more and read more and have fun more.  I am going to write more notes and cards like I used to do and tell people I hope they feel better or how they helped me last week or last year.  Just to let them know...

That crying sure got me this morning.  But I am not ashamed or embarrassed by it.  I don't have regrets about my boys getting older.  We all wish we had a little (or a lot) more time - especially if we enjoy being around our children.  I stayed home with them for so long and was fortunate to work at night when they were sleeping and could work at home!  I have been to almost every meet and race and have loved every single one.  I have seen good races, great races, surprise races, disappointing races, terrible races, and miracle races.  As a mom, I felt them all too! 

And I am not trying to hold Andrew back - at all.  That boy ran a time trial this week and came in the middle of 21 runners and PR'd by almost a minute!  He is on his way.  He has been to a week of classes and is finding his way (with Laura's help!).  He has a lot of exciting things ahead.  But I did miss him today.

This sure is a rambling post.  Oh well.  That's my life right now.  Sam has a consult with an oral surgeon on Wednesday.  He turns eight on Thursday and may have surgery on Friday!  Andrew runs Friday in his first college meet.  So tomorrow, I hope God reminds me to rest up and get ready.  But I know He will be right there.  He always is.  He has shown me up front and close some miracles lately.  I don't want to take for granted those things.  And He is there through the big and the little - it'a all important to Him.  And I am thankful for that too!

College!

As Andrew heads to his first day of college on Tuesday, I find myself fluctuating with emotions.  I am so happy for him and proud of him for always trying so hard and doing his best.  I am relieved he will be home at night and be at Appalachian during the day.  I am thankful for those who help with last minute changes in plans and for understanding and support and encouragement.  As so many ask him when he is "moving in",  he has answered nicely or looked at me to explain.  That is when I wish he did not have to worry about the "extras" - the things he has to go against every single day.  Sometimes we just roll along, and other times the "extras" stop us in our tracks.  Sometimes it is a big deal.  Sometimes it is just the mom who cries and prays and hopes they will go away.  It gets old.  But when I look up, I know God is right here; and we can keep on going. 
Sometimes I will see something else much worse, and it puts things in perspective.  So comments made with good intentions have not broken through my thankfulness the past few weeks as all Andrew's plans changed.  Sitting in orientation this week, I felt at home.  I felt we were where we belong with Andrew.  He feels that way too.  He is so excited.  He has walked on the cross country team.  He went with Laura to find all of his class buildings this afternoon.  The decision to change was his.  We did have some talks about commitments made, what was best, what should be considered, etc.  But I prayed for a few days while he thought and prayed.  Pete and I are relieved.  We are thankful.  And we are so excited for him.
We did find out in the last couple of weeks that his thyroid is way way way out of whack.  We are trying to correct it now.  I will just say that in a few weeks, he should feel like a new person; but I would not be able to function like he is!  He does not complain, so it was not obvious.  It was just found in a routine check up.  And while I was upset that he goes to so many specialists and still was not checked, I know that it could be the cause of recent problems and should be an easy fix.  And I try not to think it is something else.
Sam has been doing well.  He has had some lows, and some nights I set my alarm a couple of times to check him.  He loves his second grade teacher and is working on loving school.  He has a "tooth" that has concerned us because it looks awful.  The dentist took lots of x-rays this week and found his two permanent teeth still to come in.  So he has to go to an oral surgeon to get the extra one pulled.  They want to be extra careful because of his diabetes and make sure he is not in pain that will cause him not to eat.  We should schedule that for soon.  He is so happy our neighbor is back home afer suffering a stroke.  She just got her new puppy back tonight, and she is determined that Sam and Walker will grow up together and give her dog a playmate while helping Sam with his fear of dogs.  That was one of the first things she said to me when she got home from the nursing home!
Will is having fun on bike #10?  He has been released by the doctor for his hand and is trying to get in shape for cross country while catching up on his bike riding.  I told him that broken bones were totally prohibited.  He smiled and nodded okay.  I have been looking in my home magazines for projects he can do for me while in construction classes. 
Peter is doing better and better with his foot but having some hamstring issues again!  I hope to get him in the pool this week.  I cannot believe he is a senior, and I cannot believe how fast this has all gone!
Pete goes back to Israel in October, and this time my busy project is not trying to paint the equivalent of three rooms while he is gone!  While I am excited for him, I do dread the days he is gone for me.  I think my project will be much smaller; although Will has been talking about "opening up" the downstairs.  Most of our rooms have doors, and that has started to drive him crazy!
This morning, our Sunday School lesson was on authority - more specifically, Jesus' authority.  We talked about the temple and how He turned over the tables of the moneychangers.  One part of our discussion was about why people do not believe in Jesus.  I really think we try to control everything ourselves - either because we like control or because we want to make sure it's covered.  And some people have probably not gotten to a place in their lives where they realize they have no control.  When bad things happen, those who believe can lean on Jesus and trust Him.  Sometimes those who don't believe become believers.  I am so thankful that everything is not dependent on me or in my control.
Toby gave our sermon from 2 Corinthians 4:8-18.  I thought he was talking right to me.  I am thankful we have those eternal things to look ahead to and forward to.
Thanks for praying for our family. We sure have felt those prayers the last few weeks.  And we know people pray for us even when they don't know what is going on!  Toby said that people are coming out of a storm, in the middle of a storm, or approaching a storm.  I feel in some ways we have been in one for a very very long time.  I measure that with my sleep and calmness level, I think.  But today could be the day that changes.  The storm may go away.  I know it will one day.  And though I tend to think it will be later rather than sooner, I realize that is not very optimistic.  So I am looking for the calm this week.  With all of Andrew's stuff, I feel my breaths deeper and better.  I feel as if a weight has been lifted - a huge, heavy one. 
So as my first child goes to college this week, I am so happy and not taking it for granted one bit.  This is huge.  And the great thing I realized is that is even bigger than I can even know.  Have a great week!
Love,
Wendi

Another School Year...

Watauga County Schools started today!  It's hard to believe.  Sam loved 2nd grade and his teacher.  I was nervous all day for some reason.  Just concerned that he was being watched closely enough after the other week I guess.  Once we get his stuff settled more, I will feel better.  I just wish it was easier to do it and get it done.  His teacher is wonderful, and he has so many people to look out for him.  Still, it was hard to wonder about him all morning until I finally called!

Peter and Will said their days were good.  They are happy to see their friends.

Andrew was home today by himself!  I would have traded places with him for a bit!  His plans have changed for fall, and we are still working on that.  He feels good about where he is, and we do too. 

Andrew's thyroid is way off.  Not just a little bit.  Not by a lot.  It is off by more than a lot.  I am so upset that I have not known this before now.  But he goes to a specialist.  He has labs all of the time.  I guess I will have to be more careful in watching some things.  Hopefully he will bounce back quickly to a good number.  I must admit, it is frustrating.

It is hard for me to depend on others sometimes.  I am so disappointed lately.  Will asked me the other week if I like anyone right now.  I guess he was right.  I was frustrated with some things with Sam.  I am frustrated about our county 911 system that will not work for me when I need it.  I am frustrated that people do not answer their phones or call back or follow up.  I get frustrated when I need a little help with my child, and I cannot seem to get it.  So I guess sometimes it does seem like I don't like people.  Maybe I should just not like the way they act - or don't act.

I am trying to focus on what I do know and what is working and go from there.  Trying.  And in the last week or so, I have had people step up to help me.  They have been there to listen and guide and give help where I needed it.  So I do know what it is like for people to want to help - whether it's their job or not.  And that is so encouraging.

Happy School Year to my boys.  Two at WHS, one at HP, and one in college!  It's hard to believe!  We are so blessed.  These boys have so much ahead of them this year.  It will be exciting!

Thankful

Wow.  It has been a crazy few days.  So many things to consider and pray about.  So many messages coming from all over to encourage and help.  I really love looking back over this week and remembering the many "conversations" I have had or messages I have received and know they came from God.  I have no doubts.  People have spoken out.  They have typed the message, prayed, and hit the send button.  I am overwhelmed with thankfulness.  There are so many things.  I will one day be more specific, but so many things have worked out - not just some obvious things but so many others.  And I know that I don't know everything!

I was so tired today that I fell asleep sitting up this afternoon!  I went to bed late last night after Sam's sugar got too low, and I had to wait to check him a couple of more times.  He was fine, but it's hard to get some carbs and peanut butter into a tired little seven year old whose blood sugar has made him even more tired!  I am thankful he is cooperative most of the time, and he becomes cooperative pretty quickly in those few times he is not!

I am thankful for the friends and family who have been in touch over the past few days.  So many.  Some knew I needed them.  Others did not.  But nothing was random.  It all fit into the puzzle, and nothing was repeated or the same.  I am in awe of the messages I have received from those willing to send them.

I am thankful for my friends who love me and pray for me - and my decisions and through my difficulties.  I am thankful for friends who love me and pray for  me even when they don't even know how desperately it is needed right that moment.  I am thankful for friends who can help me laugh through a hurtful situation - because do I really have that time to waste - having my feelings hurt?  If not for them, I would take the time - believe me, I would.

I am thankful for the promises of God.  I have so many things I am working on.  I need to check on Sam's glasses soon.  I need to check with the dentist about a certain tooth.  I need to check on Andrew's labs that did not come back normal for his thyroid tests.  I need to check on some paperwork.  I am anxious about Sam starting second grade and being without us.  I am happy but apprehensive to have another senior so soon.  I need to stay on top of one child's school work this year.  I need to write more notes and emails and get rid of more stuff in my house and pay more attention to my family and neighbors.  The list goes on and on.  But I know that God is with me.  He will show me the way if I keep my eyes on Him.

I am thankful that now that summer is almost over, I can go on a quick trip with the "girls".  These girls have known me  my whole life or close to it.  We will go to the same places, eat at the same restaurant (and maybe have the same waitress we had once for 3-4 years in a row), talk, giggle, sneak on FB when my sister is not looking, lift weights, do water aerobics, maybe walk four miles to Krispy Kreme (it just did not seem that far at the time!), send each other silly texts while riding or walking together, play little jokes on each other (only nice ones!), make store returns for each other, talk about our children, lament that my sister's favorite outlet is no longer there, call and check on our families while we are gone, pray together, and just love spending precious time being together.  As we get older, it's harder to find the one weekend; and the time is more precious.  We have been doing this for at least 18-20 years.  One year, I was almost to Bristol and threw gum out the window only to have it fly back into the car and into my thick, long hair.  My niece Laura looked at me like I was crazy when I walked into her house with gum in my hair and calmly got the peanut butter and pulled it out!  I had just read that tip in a magazine.  Nothing was going to ruin my day!

I am just overwhelmed with thankfulness this week.  It has been a good week.  I am tired, but it's a good tired.  I would not trade it.  I have been bombarded with so much love that I got the message.  He is with me.  He loves me.  He has overwhelmed me this week in particular.

Blessed This Weekend

After a difficult week, our family was blessed with a good, peaceful weekend.  We worked so hard Friday night and Saturday - helping Pete with a project.  The more people we had, the faster the project went.  It was hard work but went by fast.  We were all together.  We all worked hard together, laughed some together, rubbed our aching backs and arms together, and just were together.  They may not have appreciated it as much as I have.  Despite the hard work, it was good just to be together in one place.  It's good to know I enjoy being with my own family so much - no matter what we are doing!

We are blessed to have a daddy in our family who works so hard.  He is not afraid to have one or two or four or more jobs.  He works hard and appreciates simple things.  He took the boys to buy a new TV last weekend.  We have not bought a new TV in many many years.  They have been talking about one for years.  They did not get anything fancy, but it was much better than what we have been watching - not that I would have known the difference.  They have all been tickled and have enjoyed it so much.  It has come in handy for them to sit together when it's hot and watch something together.  Andy Griffith is a favorite.  Sam has tons of PBS favorites still. 

We are blessed that Andrew is okay.  He had a rough Monday night.  He has a dad who can do what I cannot do to help him.  I am so thankful he was home.  So Andrew is okay.  The rough night is over.  We are still working on his college stuff.  He is excited, and I am trying to be.

We are blessed that Peter can run again.  He has missed it.  He is looking forward to his senior year and has senior pictures this week!  I cannot believe it!  He held Sam while I threw on some clothes Friday morning while we heard the sirens getting closer.  While Sam usually teases Peter and tells him he does not love him, Sam buried his head in Peter's shoulder and said over and over, "I love you, Peter." 

We are blessed that Will is who he is - though it is difficult to keep up with him sometimes.  He has so many things going for him and can do so many things.  I just pray that he will be able to use his many talents and abilities to serve the Lord when he is older - though he could right now.  He is the one you would want on the disaster response teams or building something that would be difficult for most of us.  Our job is to stay right with him and help him find the things the Lord has for him.

We are extra blessed this weekend that Sam is okay.  He woke up quiet Friday.  I never leave in the mornings without checking his blood sugar.  I was getting ready to do that when I asked if he was okay.  He jumped off my bed like something had bitten him.  He was screaming and crying and clutching at me - all of the sudden.  He was screaming for me to help him and was screaming "Mommy" and "Daddy" over and over.  He said things were crawling on his arms.  He kept saying other things that tell us he was so scared.  I was able to get him into the kitchen and check his blood sugar, but by the time we got in there he was jerking.  I cannot tell you how I got icing on his gums or poured the orange juice that I sat in the floor and poured down his mouth while he was still screaming.  Well, I do know how really.  It was God helping me.  He showed me what to do when I could not think clearly - over the screams and frustration that I could not get anyone to hear me yet.  Sam was terrorized.  It was not until I got the sugar in him that I could run upstairs and get the boys to help.  My 911 call did no good until Andrew got on and gave them our address that I had been shouting constantly over Sam's screams.  We sat on the couch while we listened to the sirens getting closer and closer.  The EMT's checked him, and I thought he was still trembling; but then I figured out it was me.  We had our doctor check him out, and he as been close by ever since.  He told me what was crawling on him and that he knows they were not real, now.  I have talked to him to let him know that he needs to let us know if he feels anything like this coming on. 

I have been fighting feeling sorry for myself all week.  I have been tired, and I am old enough to know that is wasted energy! 

Proverbs 3:5-6 says, "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.  In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." 

Such a simple pair of verses to try to remember when I don't understand and when I doubt myself.  That is what I do mostly.  I am thankful for the ones who remind me Who is in control.  They gently remind me that no matter what, He is here.

Thanks to those who pray for our family.  We appreciate the prayers and know God will give us what we need - even on those tough days or during the tough weeks.

A dear friend sent me this song that I had not heard before.  I am sure someone else can benefit from it too.


http://soundcloud.com/plumb-1/08-need-you-now-how-many-times

"Need You Now"  Plumb

Well, everybody's got a story to tell
And everybody's got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there's beauty here
So, I guess you're tired of holding on
I can't let go, I can't move on
I want to believe there's meaning here

Chorus:
How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

Standing on a road I didn't plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise

Chorus

Though I walk, though I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, please stay right beside me
With every single step I take

How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?

Chorus

I need you now
I need you now

Quick Update

It's hot here!  I am not complaining, because I know it is much hotter almost anywhere else!  But it is hot!!!  When my dear husband buys a new air conditioner, I know it is really hot.  We are also glad we were at the beach for a few days last week and not this hotter week!

It was good to get away together for a few days.  We packed a lot into a few days and enjoyed being together.  It's very different now that the boys are old enough to do some things by themselves.  We needed a little break, and they needed that time together before Andrew goes to school! 

It's been a tough summer here in Boone.  Not even a week after little Peyton died, another boy (16) died in an auto accident.  Then so many other things were happening to people all around us.  So much heartbreak.  But also so much hope.  I don't know how people get through these tragedies without hope.

We still have not heard from Andrew's other lab work.  He did go to orientation and loved it.  We went college shopping yesterday so he could okay the bedding I found at TJ Maxx.  Keeping up with his list keeps my mind a little busy when thinking of him going away.  He also got some great news on scholarships this week.  He was awarded a check through the mail from the IDF and got a call last night that he was one of 30 recipients of over 700 applicants for a UCB Scholarship (for people or caregivers of people with seizures).  They were good scholarships and will be very helpful.

Sam is doing well.  He is running a little bit high the past couple of days, but anything can affect his sugar it seems.  He is working hard on his "school work" and things are starting to click some days.  We try to do a lot of fun things that don't seem like work.  He and Andrew go to the endocrinologist in the next couple of weeks, so we will work on his school plan with the doctor.  He has opened an "office" at the top of the stairs to "help" people and let them talk about people bothering them.  I cannot figure out where he got the idea, but he had Andrew make him signs.  It reminds me of something from the Peanuts.

Peter is starting to run again after physical therapy for his foot.  He is a huge help driving and doing errands.  He is helping Sam with his reading which is not as boring as Mommy!

Then there is Will...Will got a new "used" mountain bike right before we went on vacation.  He worked very hard in our neighborhood to earn enough money to be able to get it.  He could not wait to get on it when we got back.  He did, and he wrecked at Rocky Knob and broke his hand and scraped his face to pieces on one side - along with a shoulder and a big gash under his eye.  (He put pictures on facebook that I saw BEFORE I saw him in person!)  He had x-rays, and we were thankful his shoulder was okay.  He has a splint wrapped in ace bandages which are already looking quite dirty even though he has not had them a week!  He is out of biking and running for four weeks.  And mowing and many other things!  Instead of sitting around and pouting, he is out doing whatever he can and has already been able to earn some more money in the neighborhood!

Having a good perspective really makes a difference.  Mine gets messed up quite frequently, and I let petty things get the best of me.  I let things weigh me down and bother me that should just roll or bounce off!  Who really has time for that?  But that also is a signal to me that I am not reading enough in my Bible and/or praying enough or that I am worn out and need to be still for a little bit.  I try so hard, and I am still trying so hard; but I am not hopeless - far from it.  I think the reason I cannot write my story that I have in my head is because I am not far enough along in it.  That could be frustrating, but it is also another hopeful thing. 

This is a song sung at Peyton's funeral.  I wrote about it in my blog.  I know God helped that young man get the words out in some heartbreaking moments, and I know the song ministered to many. 

"How He Loves" David Crowder Band

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.

We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like a unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don't have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way...

He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.

Whoa! how He loves us.
Whoa! how He loves us.
Whoa! how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.

I think my favorite part of this song is how many times it tells us He loves us.  He loves us more than anyone else could or can. 

Thanks for reading this.  Happy Weekend!

Love,
Wendi